Replacing Judgment with Curiosity

We love hearing from our readers (and listeners of our podcast), so we were delighted to hear from many of you this week. Last week we wrote about the importance of listening to our inner teacher, and several readers wrote back sharing a similar challenge. They wrote about how when they pause long enough to listen to what their inner teacher might be saying to them, they end up hearing the loud and negative voice of their inner critic instead.

A good teacher, coach, or leader certainly, at times, needs to offer critique. The key is to provide it in a way that is growth-producing and not in a way that is shaming and diminishes a person's confidence. The same is true with our inner critic. For example, if I agree to do a favor for a friend and then drop the ball and let my friend down, it's healthy for me to critique myself and learn from what happened, but not to shame myself and forget about all of the times I have been there for them.

Curiosity is key to learning and growth. So in the example above, I can shift from criticism to becoming curious about why I didn't follow through on my promise to my friend. By doing this, I might realize that I am busy and overwhelmed with too many tasks, or that I often say "yes" when I can't or don't want to, or I might have some other important insight. Burying myself in criticism will not help me learn or change.

When we shift our criticism to curiosity, it becomes an opportunity for our inner teacher to instruct us. This is good advice for relating to others as well. If we tweak the example above and imagine a scenario where a friend doesn't follow through on something they committed to doing and lets us down., we can see that this wisdom also applies. We may at first feel angry and critical of our friend and want to distance ourselves from them. If we can work to shift to curiosity, though, we might wonder, "That's not like them to drop the ball. I wonder what else might be happening in their life that caused this." Such a thought may lead us to reach out and check in with our friend, which might strengthen our friendship.

Making it Personal Questions

1. Is there some way in which you are being too critical of yourself or someone else right now?
2. How might curiosity help you begin to shift to a place where you can learn, instead of judge?
3. What could you start to do this week to help you make that happen?