Rethinking Porn Addiction - A Sexual Health Show

"I hate myself."

"If anyone knew what I've done, they would be appalled."

"I'm unworthy of love."

These statements are fueled by sexual shame. The definition of sexual shame is: "... A visceral feeling of humiliation and disgust toward one's own body and identity as a sexual being, and a belief of being abnormal, inferior and unworthy."

Brené Brown says shame needs 3 things to thrive: Secrecy, silence, and judgement.

So, today we're going to talk about sexual shame.

Specifically, we'll talk about where it comes from, how it impacts us, and hopefully we'll dive into what to do about it as individuals, and as couples.

I promise I'll stop looking at porn...

I commit to my partner...

I commit to myself...

I commit to God...

And yet, a few days/weeks/months later, I'm typing words in the search bar.

Words I'm ashamed of.

Then I sit and look at things that go completely against my values.

Why can't I stop?

Why do I feel so out-of-control?

Why can't I just not look?

How is this not an addiction?

And if it's not... what is it?

Let's talk bout that in this week's episode.

Exploitation is when a person leverages their power and control to get what they want.

Do you have an outcome or a goal in mind when you tune in to our show?

Is your goal to stop (or get your partner to stop) looking at porn?

Is your goal to convince yourself or your partner that porn is acceptable, and not a problem?

When you approach these sexual health conversations with a specific goal in mind, it's easy to subtly exploit your partner to get the outcome you desire. To find people or experts who validate your perspectives...

To use "helpful" resources as weapons to dismiss or undermine your partner's desires...

To use threats of severing the relationship to get what you want...

Exploitation undermines productive sexual health conversations at EVERY turn.

So, this week we're going to talk about how we subtly exploit each other, and how that exploitation kills curiosity and empathy and gets in the way of us creating strong, nourishing, and connecting sexual health agreements with the people we love.

(If you enjoy today's conversation, check out our other episodes at rethinkingpornaddiction.com)

The conversation around pornography is often (sadly) one-sided.

The husband is typically the one trying to stop watching porn, and all the focus is on him: Why does he watch it? What support does he need? When will he screw up again?

Rarely do we give proper attention to the needs, experiences, and perspectives of the wife/partner.

Today, in proper Rethinking Porn Addiction fashion, we're going to have a wives episode!

Kristin (Jake's wife), Cami (Hans' wife), and Angilyn (Nate's wife) will be sitting down with Doug to talk about the ways "rethinking" porn addiction has impacted their lives.

How have their beliefs and perspectives shifted over time?

What has been helpful, and what hasn't?

What has helped them create strong marriages despite being married to imperfect men who have occasionally consumed sexual imagery?

We hope you tune in, and that you share this with anyone who has a partner struggling with porn.

If it's not medically accurate to call pornography an addiction (as we've talked about in past conversations), what does it mean when you feel out-of-control?

How do you draw the line between problematic behavior that's outside your value system... and sexual behavior that's out of control?

Is there a point where you should start to feel worried?

When should you seek out help?

How do you know whether or not you're downplaying a problem... or overreacting to one?

Let's talk about it!

Sexual Health and Healthy Sexuality...

They sound the same, but they're not.

Today we're going to dive deeper into the principles and ideas of sexual health.

We'll talk about how everyone's definition of "Healthy Sexuality" is a little different.

We'll talk a bit about the myth that there is no "moral floor."

And we'll delve into what it looks like for you to start developing a more clear definition of sexual health for yourself, and for your relationship.

Most of us grew up feeling like our worthiness, our virtue, and our ability to be loved hinged on whether or not we were obeying certain rules or keeping commandments.

When you break a rule or disobey a commandment, it can leave an irremovable stain on your character.

Principles, on the other hand, are "a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning."

They should be at the root of the "rules" we live by.

Last week, we introduced the Six Principles of Sexual Health: • Honesty

• Shared Values

• Consent

• Pleasure

• Protection from STI's and Unwanted Pregnancy

• Non-Exploitation

This week we are going to talk about how these principles fit into our morals, and rules.

We'll explore how these principles can elevate the conversation beyond mere rule-following...

How they can become a roadmap for breaking the chains of shame...

Developing true connection with yourself and your partner... Talking to your children about sex and porn...

And ultimately, developing sexual health.

If I were to ask you how to develop physical health, you'd probably say something like, "Eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, and get 8 hours of sleep."

You probably wouldn't say, "Don't get sick."

But when we talk about developing sexual health, typically all we focus on is avoiding "disease."

Staying away from the bad stuff...

But sexual health isn't just moving away from things you don't want.

It's moving towards things you DO want.

So, in this conversation, we're going to start talking about the fundamentals of sexual health... namely, the balance of safety and pleasure.

They are both important aspects of your sexual health, and it's important to talk about them together. We're excited for you to join us!

Things I've heard people say in the last week:

"I'm addicted to Oreos."

"I'm addicted to my phone."

"My sister is addicted to heroin."

"I'm addicted to porn."

In each of these conversations, the word "addiction" was used. But I'm pretty sure someone being addicted to Oreos is not the same as being addicted to heroin.

In this conversation, we're going to talk to the mental and sexual health experts.

What does "addiction" actually mean?

When is "addiction" the right word to use in relation to porn?

What other words could we be using?

Why does it even matter what words we use?

Let's talk about it!

We all have beliefs around pornography. We have different beliefs about what pornography actually is. We have different beliefs about the damage porn can do us. We have different beliefs around sexual imagery is acceptable or not acceptable to view. At the source of our actions, our words, and even our emotions... are our beliefs. In order to RETHINK Porn Addiction, we must learn to get curious about our beliefs. Getting curious doesn't mean we need to CHANGE them. But by getting curious, we learn to understand our beliefs... and as a result, we learn to understand ourselves more deeply. This week, we're going to get curious and show what it's like to question our beliefs.