Roland with My Homies: A Stephen King's Dark Tower Book Club

This week on ROLAND WITH MY HOMIES, we say the B-Word, which is "Bloodmancy."

Just because your podcast hasn't gotten its red wings doesn't mean the rest of us can't get super horned up to the sounds of violent exsanguination! That's right, Ka-Babbies, we're reading THE LITTLE SISTERS OF ELURIA, a delectable little confection collected in the short story anthology EVERYTHING'S EVENTUAL. In this short prequel novel, Roland gets beaten up by a pack of mutants and spends most of the story strapped to a hammock while unsettling vampire stuff happens all around him. Oh lord, I hope the resolution has something to do with a Christian dog!

ALSO: we chat with Danielle's mom, tell a funny story from Danielle and Mike's wedding, make explicit the implicit in regards to SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY, and authoritatively assert our opinions on whether you're allowed to say The B-Word. 

This podcast was recorded on Thanksgiving Eve in 2017, to set the scene, so prepare to hear our thoughts about Roy Moore and how everyone in our lives wants to hear our STRANGER THINGS takes.

ROLAND WITH MY HOMIES is a SPOILER ZONE so please read the book first. 

DISCUSSED: 

START OF PODCAST

0:00.000

Hello and Welcome

0:00.000

Is The Dark Tower Sexy or Just Horny?

0:47.158

Why Read Eluria after the Gunslinger?

1:54.119

I wish PS4 did backwards compatibility like Xbox One

3:04.319

Recap begins

3:24.390

Stranger Things is a little better than The Dark Tower

4:27.580

Danielle would book an AirBnB in Eluria

5:47.317

Unclear if Mike properly used the word "Bemused"

7:08.000

Roland thinks it's wrong to kill the only sign of life in a ghost town

7:42.039

Mike admits when he's wrong

11:39.401

 

 

Dark Tower Religion stuff

15:52.654

Josh reveals how often he tunes out Mike and Danielle

17:17.910

I'm not actually going to splice anything in from a previous episode screw that man

17:22.575

Witch Doctors in my Beyonce Facebook group

18:49.358

What Roland would think about Roy Moore

20:21.673

Do they, Danielle?

21:05.433

Is there a JFK drinking game on this show? There is now!!

22:26.531

9/11

23:15.203

Roland convalesces

24:42.285

Danielle's mom calls and asks us about Stranger Things, discussion of D+M's Wedding

27:35.362

Our apartment is the ideal environment for podcasting

36:09.144

Dinner Time?

36:36.264

Jenna the Hot One

36:38.515

The "doctors" ahhhhh!! (Danielle's Lucille Bluth impression)

38:01.862

James and John

39:12.342

Extremely Professionally, Danielle and Josh are chatting to each other on Google Hangouts during the recording.

39:27.433

Josh uses the B-word

40:10.395

REF: What We Do in the Shadows

40:47.737

Will anyone know these politics references?

43:15.529

Is the soup nasty or delicious?

44:12.833

We finally address the gendered hostility in the podcast

44:48.092

Holy hell, I can't believe we were making #MeToo riffs last Thanksgiving we are living in a hellish perpetual present

45:21.189

Kisses for all! (Danielle reads unsexy erotica)

46:08.630

Debate upon the legitimacy of Roland's boner

49:12.750

Only magic could turn Roland into a two-pump chump

49:28.027

Josh vs. Leftist Women

53:19.142

Just because you haven't gotten your Red Wings doesn't mean everyone is turned off by the smell of blood

54:05.610

LINK: Stephen King's Boners Tumblr

55:35.810

For some reason this all reminds Josh about Bloodborne

57:50.156

http://stephenkingsboners.tumblr.com/

 

Canned Ham?

1:00:58.847

Hooboy

1:03:37.802

Josh vs. Stephen King's Misogyny

1:06:05.171

Josh actually liked this story but...

1:07:03.618

Parner up early and you don't have to grow

1:08:57.430

Danielle is ride-or-die for Wendy Torrance

1:10:05.612

Is King self-aware enough about Roland's nostalgia?

1:12:50.875

I think King addresses this in The Drawing of the Three

1:15:06.689

Josh doesn't know he's describing Odetta Holmes

1:16:43.933

Mike confuses Stephen King for Kurt Vonnegut

1:17:09.441

What Roland has done so far

1:17:14.987

Danielle pulls some random passage to talk about not sure of her point here

1:18:13.386

Another Pee Break

1:18:26.947

Mario Odyssey

1:18:45.831

Did Pauleen Fuck Donkey Kong? (Do you need to ask?)

1:19:56.602

B-Word So Sorry

1:20:37.694

http://www.zeldarocks.com/The-Seven-Starred-Lotus-Super-Mario-RPG-Mandala.html

1:23:22.945

An Intervention on the B-Word

1:24:11.106

Mike says bitch but it's like almost midnight at this point so sorry

1:24:29.620

A discussion of Dracula and Danse Macabre and Oscar Wilde

1:29:00.200

Josh loves Dracula

1:30:46.682

Men just get off from evil

1:34:16.395

Through your women you will all be mine

1:36:32.734

Oscar Wilde???

1:37:02.053

 

 

Anality

1:42:48.062

That's Ka, baby

1:43:28.478

Danielle shouts "KILL THE DOG, ROLAND!!"

1:45:15.177

The opposite of this would be a creature that steals life in some way, don't you think?

1:46:10.222

Mike takes five minutes to say the most banal platitudes in podcast history

1:46:23.079

God help us, water sports

1:47:45.196

Does Josh like this story?

1:53:42.703

Preview The Stand

1:54:47.230

Josh watched IT when he was 4

1:56:09.583

Danielle talks about her thesis

1:57:40.842

 

 

We ended up on Podbean

1:58:38.048

Mike will hook you up with pirate copies of Maude

2:00:12.561

How much stand to read

2:00:13.773

Keeeeeeeep Readin'!

2:00:55.835

 

MUSIC:

"Wool" by Big Ups

"Bumper Tag" by John Deley

Keeeeeeep Readin' "The Little Sisters of Eluria," because we don't even start talking about it in this episode!! This is just the chill sesh from immediately before we start talking about the story. We talk about which books are on The List (spoiler: we add one!), our various childhood traumas, and more! It's the Loosey-Goosiest Roland With My Homies yet!!

DISCUSSED:

Confirmation of Reading Order

0:00.000

Word Processor of the Gods

1:08.646

Josh is in such a dark world he assumes all positivity is sarcasm

2:16.990

HELLO AND WELCOME

2:45.033

Discussion of whether to add books to the list

2:45.033

Eaze Spot

5:41.191

D is "so fucking pumped" for The Stand

7:28.834

D want this podcast to outlast the Trump presidency

8:56.864

In every fucking episode we argue about how to pronounce Wolves of the Calla

10:27.154

After we're done with The Dark Tower

11:19.969

Following My Bliss

12:08.302

What! We actually add The Talisman to the list

13:40.000

Trumppppppp

15:32.308

Mike's Story About Childhood's End

17:04.895

What we were reading in middle school

18:39.409

What Mike did with the settlement

22:16.107

What the HECK does a twelve year old want to read that book for

24:22.923

She means the beam

28:17.881

Danielle's high school experience

29:13.411

Mike and Josh have similar outlooks on the future

32:34.728

START OF PODCAST

34:57.005

Chaos reigns this week on Roland With My Homies!

Hey guys, I'm kind of sorry that the podcast is late. I now realize why other podcasts have producers. It's not because it's necessarilly too much work, but because it's really hard to listen to your own fucking stupid voice for hours at a time every fucking week. I now know when I'm about to say something stupid just by looking at the waveform.

Anyway, sorry to those of you who are following along at home. In this episode, we're talking about "The Oracle and the Mountain." Roland does some HARD DRUGS and then has to listen to some HARD TRUTHS about his relationship with his tween companion Jake. Sounds like absolute hell to me, but at least he gets laid again. 

Most of this episode is about Yaddle from Star Wars, though. Peace!

Discussed: 

00:06:15 I know what I mean when I'm talking about Black Light Posters, but I wonder if anyone else does...00:06:42 Does Danielle have a bit of a cold here?00:07:45 Dude, I wish I had spliced this all together into one podcast at this point.00:08:33 Roland cockblocks Jake00:09:07 Standing Stone vs. Speaking Ring00:09:22 Wait, what IS a Speaking Ring? I still don't know.00:11:58 Roland gives Jake the jawbone and ties him up00:13:04 Mescaline facts00:16:09 This is a hard cut to remove some personal information!!00:16:22 What went down in the back rows of the theater when Star Wars first came out00:17:46 Mike says "bitch" I thought he was supposed to be the nice one00:19:08 The whole last third of the dark tower movie is basically the Zion part of The Matrix Reloaded00:19:42 Josh sends the photo that tanks the podcast00:20:02 Jenny Slate should play the succubus00:21:50 Danielle's claim to fame00:23:23 Still talking about Yaddle00:24:46 Danielle hates on women again00:26:16 The Homies lament Peak TV00:27:56 Roland demands the Oracle speak prophecy before he will put out00:28:58 The Three00:29:37 Josh has edited a Wikia page about the Star Wars character Yaddle, and then he proudly posted a screenshot of his edit to the Skype window, and I just don't know what to do with this because if I edited it out the show would be like ten minutes which now that I type it all out would probably not be a bad thing00:31:09 ???? I couldn't bear to edit this out because Josh sounds so happy. 00:32:15 Reference: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001 probably)00:32:56 Pretty Racist Stuff here00:35:29 Danielle revels in yelling gender epithets00:36:39 Roland tries to slut shame the Oracle, who retorts by infanticide-shaming him.00:37:49 Danielle once again says the b-word with gusto.00:39:10 Josh does a reading00:39:52 Josh's thinks his Chinese food has arrived but I think we find out later that it hadn't00:40:48 We say "bitch" so much I am so sorry it's on the list00:41:45 Jake is basically Morty at this point, and we're not the first people to make that connection00:42:27 Josh tries to send Mike a funny Dark Tower meme, but it's just another erotic picture of Yaddle00:42:50 We DO have a website, at Rolandwith.Club00:43:33 The only real beauty is order and love and light00:45:54 Jake wishes he could have lived in Gilead00:47:14 Well, I guess that's just how it is!00:47:35 We close the book on The Gunslinger and kind of sum things up even though there's one more episode about it after this.00:50:09 Borderline transphobia

 

NEXT TIME: We go back in time to before we knew that the original episode didn't record and finish up THE GUNSLINGER. We have a nice chat about THE SLOW MUTANTS and THE GUNSLINGER AND THE MAN IN BLACK. I don't know what else we talk about but I bet it's a three hour discussion about why Josh should watch Steven Universe. 

 

Music: Doctor Turtle | The Freeharmonic Orchestra

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 Fonts: A Dripping Marker and Stranger Things

Yaddle Picture (NSFW)