“Ducky, you’re a great friend. I’ll see you after the first divorce.”

This week’s hottest movie is... Pretty in Pink. This film has everything: Duckie serving glam-goth like he’s the spare heir in a vampire dynasty, more blazers and perms than you’d ever expect to see on literally everyone, and a prom dress so underwhelming you’ll never be able to brush your teeth without thinking about it again. If you love goth flair, adults-in-teen-clothes energy, and delightfully cursed DIY dresses, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Renfield (2023)

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“It's a little bit like if Sulley from Monsters, Inc. was sexy.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Your Monster. This movie has everything: a wellness look that screams “post-punk spa day.” An ex so bad he’s begging to be put in a bear suit. and an open bowl of Covid-flavored beans. If you love monster-meets-messy romance, petty ex-revenge, and chaotic health-hazard snack discourse, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Pretty in Pink (1986)

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“Not since Hook has more intention been placed into someone’s eyebrows.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Beastly. This film has everything: a hexed hall monitor in winged eyeliner, a drug-deal gone wrong turned Shakespearean IOU, and stump speeches for the Green Committee so honest it will break your heart. If you love cursed meet-cutes, campaign-level pettiness, and a script written like a horoscope, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Your Monster (2024)

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"Maybe mayonnaise can save democracy."

This week’s thirstiest movie is... Beautician and the Beast. This film has everything: a bigger, moodier version of Massimo, but with his own country; the literal nanny turning into a union organizer; and a dictator’s entire political ideology crumbling under the seductive, life-changing power of a mayonnaise-heavy sandwich. If you love fascist makeovers, hostile breakfast seating arrangements, and chickens with full emotional arcs, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Beastly (2011)

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“He only knows doggy style, Paige.”

This week’s hottest movie is... Beauty and the Beast. This film has everything: A cursed himbo with fangs, A toddler named after his visible head trauma. The full BEAST System™: bombardment via dinner theater, aggressive emotional bonding, a shift to “respectable boyfriend mode,” a library bribe, and a farewell gift that’s basically romantic spyware with a live feed. If you love gothic castles, enchanted codependency, and wondering whether a teacup was born a teacup, this episode’s for you.

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Up Next: Beautician and the Beast (1997)

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“It takes three minutes to become an astronaut, according to this movie.”

This week’s hottest space mess is... Armageddon. This film has everything: Instant Astronauts, Thirst traps for middle America, A rogue Glock bouncing around in a spaceship. If you love seatbelt montages, flag-based character development, and gun safety violations in orbit, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Beauty and the Beast (1991)

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“Are we just going to ignore the fact that Antonio Banderas drinks his brother’s head juice?”

This week’s hottest movie is The Mask of Zorro. This film has everything: a horny duel, a lusty confessional booth admission, and a vigilante live-action Puss in Boots. If you love pickled domes, teacup waltzing, and historical accuracy that’s legally inadmissible, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Armageddon (1998)

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“General Racism was Omar’s right-hand guy.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Jewel of the Nile. This film has everything: juggling Sufis, a slow-speed plane chase, and a boat with no driver, towing nothing but red flags. If you wish David Lean had cast Michael Douglas in Lawrence of Arabia, this episode’s for you.

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Up Next: The Mask of Zorro (1998)

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“There’s no dick that good in the world.”

This week’s thirstiest mess of a movie is... Fool’s Gold. This film has everything: a maybe-teen yacht goblin, a grown man earnestly saying “boat swain,” and Kevin Hart playing a rum-soaked rapper-slash-loan-shark-slash-island oligarch. If you love sketchy ages, mispronounced nautical ranks, and shootouts that defy physics and employment law, this episode’s for you.

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Up Next: The Jewel of the Nile (1985)

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Two villains, both alike in evil.

This week’s thirstiest movie is Runaway Bride. This film has everything: performative egg eating, a third-act Homer Eisenhower reveal, and a print news column that’s basically if Andrew Tate knew how to read and immediately started doxxing hot women for USA Today. If you love petty shade, chaotic horse escapes, and two villains finding love, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Fool's Gold (2008)

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