“The brown barrel is loaded, Paige.”

This week’s hottest movie is... Mean Girls. This film has everything: a talent-show plea of “don’t look at me” that stuns, a pastry-dynasty slapdown, and a casual confession that is utterly pitch-black. If you love stage-fright spirals, mean-girl pastry wars, and hush-tone bombshells, this episode’s truly for you!

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Up Next: High School Musical (2006)

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"He both did and didn’t have sex with his mom and sister.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Not Another Teen Movie. This film has everything: a jock with an alarmingly “supportive” sister, A TED talk on how to give a proper 'Slow Clap', and an entrance so dramatic the whole school freezes until Amanda Becker moves. If you love parody deep-cuts, chaotic prom energy, and Captain America before the serum, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Mean Girls (2004)

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“Ducky, you’re a great friend. I’ll see you after the first divorce.”

This week’s hottest movie is... Pretty in Pink. This film has everything: Duckie serving glam-goth like he’s the spare heir in a vampire dynasty, more blazers and perms than you’d ever expect to see on literally everyone, and a prom dress so underwhelming you’ll never be able to brush your teeth without thinking about it again. If you love goth flair, adults-in-teen-clothes energy, and delightfully cursed DIY dresses, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Not Another Teen Movie (2001)

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“It's a little bit like if Sulley from Monsters, Inc. was sexy.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Your Monster. This movie has everything: a wellness look that screams “post-punk spa day.” An ex so bad he’s begging to be put in a bear suit. and an open bowl of Covid-flavored beans. If you love monster-meets-messy romance, petty ex-revenge, and chaotic health-hazard snack discourse, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Pretty in Pink (1986)

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“Not since Hook has more intention been placed into someone’s eyebrows.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Beastly. This film has everything: a hexed hall monitor in winged eyeliner, a drug-deal gone wrong turned Shakespearean IOU, and stump speeches for the Green Committee so honest it will break your heart. If you love cursed meet-cutes, campaign-level pettiness, and a script written like a horoscope, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Your Monster (2024)

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"Maybe mayonnaise can save democracy."

This week’s thirstiest movie is... Beautician and the Beast. This film has everything: a bigger, moodier version of Massimo, but with his own country; the literal nanny turning into a union organizer; and a dictator’s entire political ideology crumbling under the seductive, life-changing power of a mayonnaise-heavy sandwich. If you love fascist makeovers, hostile breakfast seating arrangements, and chickens with full emotional arcs, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Beastly (2011)

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“He only knows doggy style, Paige.”

This week’s hottest movie is... Beauty and the Beast. This film has everything: A cursed himbo with fangs, A toddler named after his visible head trauma. The full BEAST System™: bombardment via dinner theater, aggressive emotional bonding, a shift to “respectable boyfriend mode,” a library bribe, and a farewell gift that’s basically romantic spyware with a live feed. If you love gothic castles, enchanted codependency, and wondering whether a teacup was born a teacup, this episode’s for you.

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Up Next: Beautician and the Beast (1997)

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“It takes three minutes to become an astronaut, according to this movie.”

This week’s hottest space mess is... Armageddon. This film has everything: Instant Astronauts, Thirst traps for middle America, A rogue Glock bouncing around in a spaceship. If you love seatbelt montages, flag-based character development, and gun safety violations in orbit, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Beauty and the Beast (1991)

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“Are we just going to ignore the fact that Antonio Banderas drinks his brother’s head juice?”

This week’s hottest movie is The Mask of Zorro. This film has everything: a horny duel, a lusty confessional booth admission, and a vigilante live-action Puss in Boots. If you love pickled domes, teacup waltzing, and historical accuracy that’s legally inadmissible, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Armageddon (1998)

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“General Racism was Omar’s right-hand guy.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Jewel of the Nile. This film has everything: juggling Sufis, a slow-speed plane chase, and a boat with no driver, towing nothing but red flags. If you wish David Lean had cast Michael Douglas in Lawrence of Arabia, this episode’s for you.

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Up Next: The Mask of Zorro (1998)

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