“Honor has never been sentimental about Christmas. Do you remember the first time we ever watched the Late Late Toy Show together as a family? And she said she wanted to smash all of the toys with a hammer just to make all the other children cry?”

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Dave from the office was in chorge of payroll until he did a course in human resources in the Smurfit Business School in Blackrock and returned to work six weeks later having lost his sense of smell, his sense of taste and – most tragically of all – his sense of humour.

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly is a grandfather and his old man is building a prison called Robbin’ Island.

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“Dad,” she goes, “you are so not a sexist. You’re horrible to women and men. It’s one of the few things I actually like about you.”

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Lauren, the new Lady Managing Director of Hook, Lyon and Sinker, thinks I have a problem taking orders from women. Which is complete horseshit, of course. I worked behind the bor at the annual Foxrock Golf Club Ladies Foursomes event for seven years in a row and took thousands of orders from women. Mostly for gin and tonics.

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I walk into the office to discover that all of my most treasured possessions have been stuffed into a cordboard box, which is sitting on my desk. We’re talking my ‘That’s Leinstertainment’ travel mug. We’re talking my 13 letters of censure from the Property Services Regulatory Authority. We’re talking my signed photograph of Richie McCaw (“To Ross,” it says. “You could have been one of the all-time greats,” words which still bring a tear to my eye, even though I told him specifically what to write).

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Hennessy and the old man have bought Hook, Lyon & Sinker, but the way Hennessy’s talking, it’s not looking like yours truly is their first choice for managing director

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The annual Iron Stomach Contest is as much a part of UCD life as wearing your schools rugby jersey for the first 10 weeks of first year and experimenting with your sexuality by getting off with people who didn’t go to fee-paying secondary schools.

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My daughter is doing a Closet Purge for her vlog. A purge with a difference – it’s Sorcha’s closet and there’s petrol involved

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The old man asks me for my thoughts on the Budget – like it affects me somehow?“What Budget?” I go.

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