This week we are wandering the halls of a ghostly hospital while we discuss “Audrey Pauley”! We’re talking whether or not Doggett could love a cat, if this episode is anti-organ donation, that they’re really forcing the Doggett-Reyes lovelorn gazing, how much we hate Steven and his stupid little pajamas, and how messed up it is that everybody is ready to start chopping up Reyes at a moment’s notice. We side-eye Reyes’ super-real “parents” “from Mexico City” (yeah, right!), boo the longest death scene in TV history, count down the days until we see our beloved Ellen Bledsoe again, and celebrate Reyes becoming Falling Guy. You wouldn’t download a DVD, unless you’re in Antarctica.

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This week we are chasing alien cults across the Canadian border while we discuss “Providence”! We’re talking Doggett sleeping his way through this entire episode, wondering why on earth Skinner sucks so badly now, shake our heads at everyone suddenly converting to Christianity out of nowhere, lament that Reyes has nothing to do these days, and marvel at the fact that somehow, through it all, Brad is the only one in the cast keeping it real. How did this happen? We posit that Baby William is the Boss Baby prophesied in scripture, wonder if Mulder is finally fulfilling Clyde Bruckman’s prophecy, figure that Father McCue is somehow to blame for all of this, and struggle to understand what exactly the show is saying about aliens and religion these days. Does anyone understand? I’m Episcopalian! I don’t get it!

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This week we are smuggling alien writings on our cool motorcycles while we discuss “Provenance”! We’re talking Neal McDonough’s icy blue eyes, how much we miss Machete Scully, that Elvira should be Kersh’s secretary, how boring Toothpick Man is compared to bad ol’ CSM, trucker zoomies, and that Skinner just kind of sucks now. We reaffirm that you shouldn’t smother your kids with a PSA, object to the word ‘rubbings’, struggle to piece together the plot, and laugh at Doggett getting run over in a really silly way.

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This week we are untangling our reincarnated souls and their crimes while we discuss “Hellbound”! We’re talking our excitement about the inclusion of some coal mines, that Doggett has apparently seen TONS of skinned bodies in New York (tons!), Sweet Willy teaching himself how to make mac ‘n’ cheese and cut stock market deals, and discuss whether or not Doggett and Reyes can actually solve a case without Scully. We wonder why Doggett is touching all this evidence all the time, lovingly tease Reyes for wandering around with her unhelpful soulful feelings, get worried about Central Park’s lantern-body redecoration, and wonder when exactly Scully is going to actually do the job she’s being paid to do. Wise words from Doggett: Picking your victim because of their birthday is the very DEFINITION of a serial killer!

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This week we are wandering the Mexican desert without our memories while we discuss “John Doe”! We’re talking drug lord charm bracelets, our new fave the Mexican Cigarette Smoking Man, whether Doggett is experiencing a hangover from Skinner’s New Years party, get some Reyes lore dropped on us, and the return of yellow Mexico lighting. How else will we know where we are! We wince a little at Reyes’ accent, wonder what ideas were noodling around Vince’s head, get sad that they destroyed Mulder’s apartment set, and see Doggett’s wife for the first time. Just remember, if you’re trying to communicate across a language barrier, try this one: Soy ha-ha?

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This week we are checking our 90s emails while we discuss “Trust No 1”! We’re talking the Windows Movie Maker montage that starts this episode, go into hysterics about the melodramatic email, celebrate the return of Terrance Quinn, get excited about more bad Scully driving, and wave at tiny Mulder as he runs on and off the screen. Hopefully he’s on to better things. We wonder where that second baby disappeared to, speculate that the Shadow Man was one of Mulder’s assigned secret agents, laugh at super-soldiers zooming into quarry walls, and ridicule Dearest Dana, as is right.

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This week we are standing still and letting ants crawl all over us while we discuss “Lord of the Flies”! We’re talking yet another Kim Manners bug episode, the very-bizarre and distracting Skyrim music, the star of the episode Dr. Rocky Branzino, and welcome Aaron Paul as a proto-Jesse Pinkman onto the show. We mansplain Syd Barrett to each other, think it would be more fun if Doggett loved The Dumbass Show, wonder how furiously Vince Gilligan was taking notes behind the scenes, and get excited about Brad hanging out with Skinner. And remember these wise words from Doggett: The bugs are gone! They’re gone!

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This week we are hopping between parallel universes while we discuss “4-D”! We’re talking the unexpected delight of Skinner and Brad’s team-up, Doggett’s favorite Polish sausage stand (do NOT call them hot dogs), how Monica’s favorite move is wiping mustard off people’s chins, and spend a truly ridiculous amount of time debating how long you can leave chicken sitting out. Honestly, it’s like half the episode. We talk Brad taking notes from Skinner on how to be bitchy, how much Skinner loves pulling the plug on beloved team members, congratulate Doggett on his comedic timing, and wonder if we’ve ended up in the We’re Done Here parallel universe. A special highlight to Skinner’s best line yet: Say hi to mama.

Note: Please check out our guest spot on That Nostalgia Show’s “Humbug” episode, and then check out the rest of their back catalog!

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This week we are decoding secret demonic messages while we discuss “Daemonicus”! We’re talking how disgusting it is to cheat at Scrabble, Professor Scully, how much quippy Doggett really doesn’t work, the continuing saga of Scully emailing and driving, and how apparently Robert Patrick can’t remember his lines because of his fear of demons. Sure, buddy. We lose our minds a little bit at Doggett’s embarrassing theory, get grossed out because of all the vomit, wonder exactly how messy Reyes’ car is, and sigh a lot because apparently Doggett is in love with Scully. So is everyone, man, you’re not special!

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This week we are uncovering what must be the two-dozenth secret conspiracy at the FBI while we discuss “Nothing Important Happened Today II”! We’re talking how you just can’t tell your coworkers to zip it and cooperate, Brad and his squeaky chair, whether or not Scully is on quaaludes, how instantly hateable Brad is, and how the writing staff were really proud of their little tagline. We discover that Doggett can apparently just un-fire himself, wonder whether Skinner is going through nanobot withdrawal, laugh at the nightmare fakeout, and realize that of course Kersh is a hat guy. Phrase of the week: A little bureaucratic pimp job. You can’t just say that, Doggett!

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