Sean Healy: Tools

When anxiety rises in the relationship, each person’s automatic anxiety management patterns start to get easier to see.

One member of the relationship starts to go into fix-it mode and the other starts to shut down.

Perhaps instead of talking to each other about the present points of friction, we start to complain to third parties. It may become so predictable that you already know who your partner will go to first to complain about you to. On the flip side, they probably know who your first go-to person is to.

If we have children together then we may find that to distract from the growing distance and tension we become overly involved in our children's lives.

This episode looks at some of these autopilot patterns for the purpose of giving us more clarity and control in continuing to work towards healthier relating.

This episode draws from some Bowen Family Systems theory and in particular Bowen Family Systems author Roberta M. Gilbert. I would certainly recommend her work when seeking to have a better understanding of the patterns that drive our relationships and family system.

There are many ways in which we can give ourselves away and not provide adequate self-support. We are human and compassion for self is required when exploring this area of life.

What did I learn from my family system about choosing togetherness and the temporary approval of others at the expense of my self-approval? This has significant ramifications in both our professional and personal lives.

In this episode, we look at a couple of self-abandonment categories, namely emotional self-abandonment, financial self-abandonment and physical self-abandonment. What did we learn in these areas both directly and indirectly from our families in these areas?

Gaining insight into how our past family system experience isn't for the purpose of blame but rather to allow us to more readily choose how we want to take control of our lives going forward. How much and how well am I actually showing up in my own life, rather than just following a bunch of scripted rules and expectations I picked up in childhood?

May you have every success and joy in your life journey!

When we first get into a relationship the conversational exchanges can be highly invigorating, fascinating and rewarding! Over time, however, they can become less so, if we don't continue to make them a priority.

We can benefit from meaningful exchanges with multiple others so that the burden of our emotional well being is not placed squarely in the hands of our partner. However, if we begin to find that conversations of significance are progressively being had with a person or persons other than our partner, then this could be a red flag.

Am I continuing to make time to share with my partner things that are significant to me and continuing to invite them to share with me? So many distractions, social media and vigorous workplace exchange can over time make me neglectful of remaining present to my relationship. This episode looks at this topic and what we can do to avoid accidentally putting our relationship under threat.

There are a number of dysfunctional relating patterns that we can fall into over time in our romantic relationships. These patterns lower desire and build frustration and resentment.

Some examples of adults falling into a parent to child style of relating are the Peter Pan and Wendy Syndrome and/or what's known as paying your partner's mummy or daddy bill.

I want a partner who meets all my needs without me having to do much. I want a partner that heals all the wounding of my childhood. I want someone to look after me so that I don't have to be burdened by the job.

Choosing to become part of a couple means that whilst you hold onto a healthy sense of separateness, you also agree to contribute to the ‘us’ and togetherness side of the relationship. This means compromise and willingly shouldering some responsibility.

This episode looks at some of the parent/child like rut that we can fall into and the way it can erode healthy vibrant adult to adult relating.

We spend so much time in our lives but rarely allocate space to specifically observe how we are using our time. Time is a non-renewable resource so how it is spent can become very significant and precious.

However, it is easy to slip into habits, get lost on the internet or have time simply seem to vanish on us. Conducting an audit may help us to become aware of small adjustments that could yield big returns to our life quality.

This episode also looks at the misperception that in the future you'll have more time. The habits, perceptions and structure you have around time at present are more than likely going to be the same unless you make some adjustments. Unless you refine your relationship with life in your present set of circumstances, going forward and achieving more can actually lead to you feeling more time pressure and not less.

Depending on the type of family system we grew up in, one of the things we learned was that telling others what to do was the way to feel less anxious. When you behave and think as I want you to then I can feel ok.

This episode looks at the belief that we can control the way others think, feel and behave. Sometimes it works but rudely people then start thinking for themselves again! I want the people around me to be confident and free-thinking as long as your expressions of confidence are sanctioned by me and meet with my approval.

The closer I am to you the more likely your behaviour will become anxiety-producing to me from time to time.

So we can try our luck and turn ourselves inside out shaping others or we can begin by first assessing our reactiveness.

It is my job to regulate me. Once I have assessed and gained insight into what my reaction is evoking in me, I can proceed with greater calmness and clarity. I imagine that this would maximise my chances of success in promoting the most healthy and genuine relational experiences, going forward.

Growing up some of us learned that the way to seek love, validation and approval was to give, give, give. We may have even gotten really skilled at anticipating and meeting the needs of others before they themselves even became aware of what they needed.

Over fixation on others can lead to resentment and exhaustion in us especially as we wait in vain for someone to give to us. When is it your turn? It can get so imbalanced that we can become uncomfortable with receiving. We get so skilled at looking after everyone else that when it comes to meeting our own needs and wants we can end up drawing a blank or feeling guilty.

This episode looks at healthy and unhealthy care, as well as how we can begin to focus on loving ourselves, approving of ourselves instead of chasing after others all the time in the off chance that we will get some crumbs of love and appreciation.

At first, it's as if we can't get enough of one another. Can't spend enough time together, can listen to our partner speak for hours, crave their touch and attention. However, the allure of our cherished one and their mutual fascination on us starts to drop away with the demands of life.

If we aren't mindful we start to have less and less moments where we feel seen, known and heard by our partner. Eventually, we can be in a relationship and yet feel alone.

This episode looks at the importance of continuing to make intimate exchange a priority in a world of multiple demands so that our relationship remains a place of ongoing love and emotional nourishment.

Families can be intense and sometimes overreact emotionally to certain situations that present themselves. When we grow up in emotionally intense families we can experience family members becoming highly anxious about our life choices.

Emotional outbursts, uninvited advice-giving, ridicule and talking behind other family members backs about them can end up being the order of the day. 

The emotional education we directly or indirectly received in our childhoods can have a huge influence on our present-day adult relationships and even affect our professional environments.

This episode looks at some of the tools we may need to help us have more fulfilling adult relationships and manage emotional overreacting in ourselves and others more effectively.