Secret Spirits

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].

More content on how to set boundaries: https://secretspirits.com/2025/09/30/sample-premium-post-whos-in-control-here/

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].

Welcome. Today, I'd like to draw your attention to how our Code of Ethics, the Yamas and Niyamas can be applied to our discussions around codependent behaviors.

As a reminder, we define codependent partners as: 

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.”  (Codependent No More, Melody Beattie, 1986)

How many of us are parents? How many of us are trying to navigate an impossible situation, desperately seeking to find a balance? Trying desperately to hold the family together, to hold your husband’s feet to the ground for fear that he’ll float away if you let go even for a second.  

Let’s discuss how we can employ the use of our Yoga Ethics to help guide our decisions and behaviors through this challenging time. 

In our practice of the Yamas, External “restraints” or moral disciplines for how to behave in community with others. The practice of finding balance is identified as brahmacharya, translated as the “right use of energy”. When we consider the “right use of energy”, we are speaking about conserving our vital energy and directing it healthily.

This practice is directly connected to our Tapas, translated as Austerity/Discipline. The topic of tapas is found within the Niyamas or our Internal “observances” or personal disciplines that focus on self-care and inner development. 

Austerity is commonly defined as the quality of living with little or no luxuries. The practice of self-discipline and austerity, through all efforts (physical, mental, and verbal) to burn away impurities and build inner strength. 

Now to make the connection between Codependent Partners, the Right Use of Energy and Austerity/Discipline.

I am someone who fell into very predictable codependent patterns, in a desperate effort to hold my family together, amidst my husband’s behavior becoming erratic and unstable over an extended period of time. 

I often encourage this community to find grace in our own pitfalls, that we were REACTING out of the BEST of intentions under the WORST of circumstances. That said, finding grace for our behaviors is NOT giving ourselves the permission to continue behaving in a codependent manner. 

The key to arresting the codependent cycle is DETACHING. When we consider the word detaching, we define it as: “stopping our own reactivity to our partner’s behaviors.”   

Considering that definition, of stopping our own reactivity - that sounds entirely similar as finding our “right use of energy”. It does not serve us to engage in codependent behaviors; it does not propel us forward in any way. Our energy is better directed in a variety of other avenues. 

For example: 

And now for the tricky bit. The application of austerity or self-discipline. This aspect poses a particular challenge when considering all the aspects of pop culture that influence our days.

Austerity, the practice of applying self-discipline across our physical, mental, and verbal efforts. Burning away any impurities that arise within our own humanity. 

Here I’d like to remind you of the physical practice of yoga, the Asana. Consider the most challenging physical posture that you can comprehend. For me, that’s the handstand. My constant challenger. Consider all the work that’s required to even consider inverting into a free handstand. Consider the mental discipline, the physical discipline, and the inner voice that you employ to encourage or discourage yourself. 

You actively and willingly engage in the hard work, knowing your time under tension will be brief and rewarding. 

This is your example of austerity in practice. 

Now, how do you apply austerity in your relationship with a good person suffering from addiction or alcoholism? Through the application and upholding of healthy boundaries. Recall, when we consider setting a boundary, we consider the following aspects;

Consider the active enforcement of boundaries, combined with the efforts of DETACHING from your partner, a good person suffering from addiction, as your time under tension. As you navigate this journey, this independent awakening, as your hard work, your time under tension. 

It may not feel brief, but it WILL be rewarding. 

Are you engaging in Codependent behaviors? 

Do you need to DETACH? 

Do you see how your energy needs to be focused in a more healthy and productive direction?

Can you employ austerity or self-discipline? 

Can you enact and enforce boundaries that will complement your vital energy and austerity? 

This is a gentle reminder, there is a way out, there is a clear path forward. And I’m not inferring to either “stay” or “leave” your partner. 

Instead, I’m suggesting you focus on yourself. 

You can do this. I know you can. 

XOXO, Anonymously Becks 

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].

https://secretspirits.com/2025/12/02/thanksgiving-holiday-reflections-svadhyaya-or-self-study/

Welcome. How was your holiday?

For today’s episode, let’s employ one of our most valuable tools, the tool of Svadhyaya (Yoga Ethics) or “Self-Study”. Together, we will review the events of the holiday, the holiday weekend, and reflect on our emotions, our reactions, our behaviors and OUR choices. Recall the mission of Secret Spirits, to support the wives, partners, girlfriends of addicts and alcoholics – to guide YOU toward your own awakening. To illuminate the truth and demonstrate a better way.

With that, let’s dive in.

First, let’s ensure we are ready for self-reflection.

The holiday originated in 1621, a harvest feast between the Plymouth colonists and the Wampanoag tribe. The Plymouth colonists struggled through their first year; the Wampanoag people helped them by sharing valuable knowledge of the land and its resources.

When the colonists had their first successful harvest, they held a feast to celebrate and give thanks. The Wampanoag people were invited to share in this three-day harvest festival, which included deer, fowl, seafood and other foods.

In 1863, Abraham Lincoln issued a proclamation declaring a national day of thanksgiving to be celebrated on the last Thursday of November. Of course, we could go deeper into the history of the holiday, but that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to continue on our own journey of awakening.

After reviewing the brief overview of the history of the holiday of Thanksgiving, a reminder of the purpose of the celebration.

I have some questions to kick off our episode of self-reflection. For today, I will first pose the question before providing my own reflective response.

I’ll share how I feel. I am relieved to have navigated this first holiday of the holiday season. It wasn’t as smooth or effortless as I would have liked. That’s why today’s exercise in self-reflection is so important to me. I want to identify the pitfalls in my behaviors, moods, and expectations and course-correct for the coming Christmas holiday.

I had trouble managing timing on the Thanksgiving holiday. I wanted to make a beautiful french pastry to contribute to the family meal. I had this vision in my head of arriving with a somewhat exotic pastry in hand as my contribution. I thought making the dish would be a bonding moment for my daughter and me.

I failed to read the directions for all the components, and my pastry dough was frozen when I needed to assemble it. While trying to troubleshoot that aspect, I became rushed and sloppy. I through the dish together in a hurry and was so displeased with its appearance. I refused to bring it as an offering to the meal.

I can see now how that was a decision in DIRECT OPPOSITION to the meaning of the holiday. Not the example I am striving to set for my children.

(deep breath) This is a complex question for me at this moment. I found myself feeling very grumpy before the Thanksgiving dinner. In reflection, I can see how my feelings of discourse were directly tied to the expectations I had of my husband’s behaviors. A phantom limb sort of reaction, a deep sense of repetitive behaviors looming at the evening’s Thanksgiving dinner table.

I expected my husband’s ability to “cope” with being surrounded by HIS family to be challenged. And guess what, I was right. He failed to cope in a healthy manner. He has admitted to smoking his “vape” (against my house rules) the night of the Thanksgiving dinner. In reality, I believe he engaged in his disease.

I believe he took more of his prescription medication than he is directed to by his team of physicians and psychiatrists. This is something that, now that my kids are back in school for the day, I have time to ruminate on, and consider what tools are available to me.

If you have been listening to this podcast for several weeks, you may have gleaned that my husband is living separately from the kids and me. He is in a sober living environment, where he is drug and alcohol tested regularly.

So my first call this morning, after school drop off was to the family coach at his sober living environment, to alert them to my beliefs of his behaviors, and request testing for specific types of use.

After placing that call, I release any responsibility or thought on the subject. I give that to the team in place, and know that if my husband is indeed abusing his prescriptions (as I suspect he is, and how I have observed him to have behaved in the past), then my only option is to enforce further protections around the kids and me.

In her book, Marriage on the Rocks, Janet Geringer Woititz states; “What about the children? They are the most vulnerable of all. They are victims, and they are powerless. They are dependent and defenseless. They know no other way of life…We communicate to them what our values are, and they pick them up as their own. If we are unclear, they will be unclear.”

That said, for my kids, this Thanksgiving holiday, they observed my husband’s appearance looking “off”. His eyes appeared to be glazed over after the dinner. He couldn’t sit at the dinner table with his family, so he anxiously wandered around the kitchen and the kids’ area. He asked repetitive questions to topics that we had previously discussed.

And my reaction? I was GRUMPY, I was angry that he was going to “ruin the holiday” for the rest of us.

The truth is, this entire scenario is and was PREDICTABLE.

My husband, a person who suffers from a severe and persistent mental illness, had a PREDICTABLE coping mechanism. Even though he has been sober the past few months, it doesn’t mean that he is infallible.

Where I feel validated in my anger is this. My husband COULD HAVE got up and left the dinner. He could’ve said, “This is too triggering for me, I need to go to the sober house or a meeting”. He also COULD have woken the next day, called me and admitted to his shortcomings. Instead, I observe him repeating his pattern of ruthlessly hiding his behaviors.

And that is the space where I find THE TRUTH.

The truth is, LOTS of people struggle during the holidays.

The only way to enact CHANGE is to be the change. To make the FIRST RIGHT DECISION.

And my husband didn’t do that this weekend. And I find that very concerning and troubling.

Truthfully, when I consider his sobriety, it has to be black and white. In fact, its one of the ONLY things (at least that I can think of) that is in fact black and white.

He is either stone cold sober OR in active addiction.

There is no longer any space for the consideration of things like “California sober”, or tiptoeing SO close to the line that it gets blurred.

Well, as I mentioned, I called the people who are shrouding me with safeguards. I asked them to be vigilant. I asked for extra drug testing, testing that would be impossible for him to evade.

We have couples therapy this week, where I will address the behaviors I observed. And that’s where I stand at this moment in time. It’s not the most comfortable place to be. I often feel like I’m living in limbo, some space between being a married couple and being divorced.

I trust that this is the exact space where I need to be in this moment. Learning, growing, and observing. And that’s where I will continue to be until I can find peace in some direction.

In broader terms, where are you in this journey?

Is your partner in active addiction? How did you manage the Thanksgiving holiday?

Is your partner sober? What did the holiday bring to your household?

As an ever-present reminder, YOU, ME, WE are never alone in this. Support, help, a listening ear is always available. You just need the courage to reach out your hand, and ask for help.

XOXO, Anonymously Becks

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].

The holidays can be challenging for any family. Let alone a family navigating the murky waters of addiction or alcoholism. On the precipice of such a challenging event, the Thanksgiving dinner that is looming in our distance. Let’s briefly remind ourselves of our;

With that, let’s dive into this week’s mini-episode.

With the prospect of the great Thanksgiving Dinner looming in the distance, as partners of good people suffering from addiction or alcoholism. Our minds have already begun a neurotic examination of possible scenarios that will undoubtedly lead to triggering emotions in our partners. (Deep breath)

This is a gentle reminder, THIS IS NOT YOUR ROLE HERE.

Take a deep breath and LET GO of that role.

That is a HUGE burden you have been carrying. And again, WE KNOW that we fall into that role as a logical reaction to our partners’ behaviors when they are in active addiction. Born of the best of intentions, under the worst of circumstances.

So IF THAT is not our role. What is our role? Let’s discuss.

A reminder here, we define a boundary as a sphere of safety around your persons. That encompasses;

“What boundaries do YOU need to feel safe this Thanksgiving?”

(Deep breath) That’s a big question. Now, recognize that your family, or your partner’s family’s expectations for the holiday, have no business influencing the answer to that question.

Any justification or excuse you may feel compelled to use to avoid setting an appropriate and healthy boundary needs to be evaluated, disarmed, and reconciled.

So I ask again, “What boundaries do YOU need to feel safe this Thanksgiving?”

Do you need to,

These are only options to get your creative juices flowing, so you can craft a plan that;

The above are boundaries around the dinner event itself.

But let’s talk about the BIG boundary that needs to be in place. Are you ready?

“You will accept nothing, other than sobriety this holiday.” Say it out loud, over and over again, until you find peace, logic, and serenity in that statement.

You will accept NOTHING short of a fully sober partner. That is THE MAIN BOUNDARY that needs to be upheld and enforced before ANY OTHER BOUNDARY can be ventured or gained.

What do I mean by this? Simple.

If you enact a variety of boundaries to prop up your day, to protect your peace. And your partner is living in active addiction, and quite predictably becomes intoxicated. What exactly is it that you have protected or gained through your efforts?

You must FIRST ensure your MAIN BOUNDARY, your BIG SCARY BOUNDARY, is in place before you structure your day.

Know this truth, this is a FACT of being married to a good person suffering from addiction or alcoholism – regardless of the day of the week – regardless of the looming holiday.

This coming holiday simply serves as an opportunity to practice your newly learned skills.

To step out of the natural codependent role. And into a role that is PRODUCTIVE, PROPELS YOU (and your kids – if you have them) FORWARD, towards a better tomorrow.

With that, let’s discuss your skills, the tool kit YOU need to be equipped with this week. In brief;

Let’s discuss in greater detail.

Let’s remind ourselves of the definition of Co-Dependent Partners;

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is OBSESSED with controlling that person’s behavior.” Defined by Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More. 

For me, my codependent tendencies are so deeply entrenched with enmeshment, I have to remind myself to DETACH. To not only detach myself from my partner, who is in his sober infancy of sorts. But also to DETACH MYSELF FROM THE OUTCOMES. To allow him to bear the consequences of his actions, his choices.

When I evaluate my logical, somewhat natural response to my husband’s mood, behaviors, choices, etc. If I can identify how I am seeking to CONTROL his behaviors and the outcome of a scenario. Then I can more easily recognize when I am on the precipice of a codependent relapse.

If and possibly WHEN your inner seas become stormy, or turbulent, you sense your partner is somehow unstable. And you feel those codependent thoughts, emotions, reactions begin to engage, that’s your cue – to turn your focus from your partner, to yourself. To focus on DETACHING.

Your mantra, when you recognize your tides rising – your inner seas picking up speed and turbulence. Your mantra needs to be this:

To STOP YOUR OWN REACTIVITY to your partner’s behaviors. TO STOP YOUR OWN REACTIVITY.

If your partner chooses to become intoxicated – THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO – EXCEPT TO ENACT YOUR BOUNDARY. Thats the truth. You cannot control them, you cannot make choices for them. You cannot ENABLE THEM any further. Set the boundary, stop your codependent, enabling behaviors, and DETACH.

Repeat the mantra over and over in your mind, throughout the day. This is your armor, this is where you return to when the tides begin to rise.

Now is the time to remind yourself of common manipulation tactics that can be employed on you in your partner’s efforts to protect their disease.

*These tactics are reviewed in greater detail in our articles entitled “Identifying Manipulative Behaviors in Addiction” & “The Complex Relationship between Manipulation, Love Bombing, and Codependency.”

Gaslighting  – manipulating someone into questioning their perception of reality. 

Guilt Trip – Emotional manipulators are masters at leveraging your guilt to their advantage. 

Excessive Charm or Flattery – Manipulators use exaggerated praise to gain trust. 

Silent Treatment – Deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, texts, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power. 

Passive Aggression – The manipulator may make sarcastic jokes or comments that can later be dismissed as “I was just joking” or “You take everything too seriously”. 

Victimhood – Exaggerated or imagined personal issues. Exaggerated or imagined health issues. Dependency. Co-dependency. Deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor. Playing weak, powerless, or the martyr. 

Isolation – There is safety in numbers, which is why manipulators work to isolate you from the people and places you feel most comfortable.  

Shifting Blame – a tactic where a person refuses to take responsibility for their own mistakes or actions and instead assigns fault to someone else. It is important to note that shifting blame is also a form of verbal abuse.

more on It is important to note:

It may seem obvious, that the GOAL of the manipulator is to gain control over another person’s feelings, or to cause emotional chaos through coercive control. 

Armed with a solid, clinical definition of common manipulative tactics, when you’re in the moment with your partner, you need to apply a lens of critical thinking.

If they attempt to employ some manipulation, some lie, in order to either become intoxicated or protect their intoxication. You need to apply your lens of critical thinking.

FIND the TRUTH within their lie or manipulation and address the TRUTH paired with the BOUNDARY.

For example;

“Yes, family CAN be triggering. I know that I will never FULLY understand the pain your family has inflicted. However, we agreed that our home will be sober. If you are not sober, or cannot be sober, you cannot return home with us (or stay the night with us, or continue to live with us).”

Apply your lens of critical thinking to locate the truth within the manipulation or lie, THAT is how you disarm it.

You give voice to the truth, you stand firm in the truth and you REFUSE to enable them to hurt their body through intoxication.

This is your gentle reminder – of the true definition of love. Or how we, in this community define the word LOVE – as something other than a deeply felt emotion.

Remind yourself over and over again of the truth until it feels natural and logical.

Enabling is a selfish act, born of selfish fears. THAT IS NOT A DEMONSTRATION OF LOVE for your partner. Enabling behaviors allow them to harm their mind, body and soul.

Codependency and codependent behaviors, while UNDERSTANDABLE, and certainly a natural reaction to the ecosystem of living with someone in active addiction. IS NOT A DEMONSTRATION OF LOVE for your partner. Codependent behaviors lead to enabling your addicted partner to continue to harm their own mind, body, and soul. THAT’S THE TRUTH.

You need to thoughtfully make the choice to arrest those behaviors and thought patterns, and seek the truth.

Love is creating a thoughtful, healthy boundary and enforcing it. Love is not allowing your partner to believe their own lies. Love is acting out of integrity and ethics in all our dealings. Love is showing empathy, but shrouding yourself with appropriate safeguards.

The holidays can be hard, yes.

Do people get through them without spiraling towards self destruction, YES.

Can you find the courage, the strength to protect your sphere of safety around persons this Thanksgiving? YES, I believe you can.

Listen to this podcast episode over and over again until it makes sense. Until you can see the logic. And distinguish the truth through the manipulations.

Do you understand the importance of a boundary?

And can you understand demonstrations or acts of real love?

You can do this; you are never alone. Help is always available.

XOXO, Anonymously Becks

Do you like this content? Do you find it helpful for navigating your own journey? If you do, please take the time to subscribe to the Secret Spirits podcast. By subscribing to this channel, you can help me, Anonymously Becks, keep providing content tailored to the wife of an addict or alcoholic.

If you have comments, suggestions, or are open to sharing your own experience being bound to an addict or alcoholic, email me today@ [email protected].