We mentioned last that Tal Ben Shahar in his book “Happier” lists five categories, five areas, that contribute to the 40% category, the category that gives us some element of control to impact our happiness. Those five areas again are: Spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional well-being. And as I mentioned, at first blush it sounds like the five areas cover the totality of our life – every aspect: just do these 5 all-inclusive areas well, and yes, you’ll be happier. (pause) But what Tal Ben Shahar helps us understand, is that for most of us, we don’t need a total life overhaul and that’s not at all what he intends to convey. Instead, what we’ll learn is that there are realistic, manageable, attainable skills in each of these categories which we can learn and implement, that can truly help us increase our happiness.

Today we’ll begin talking about the 40% category of what we can do, deliberate activities, to raise our level of happiness in a real and consistent way. Let’s being with talking about expectations, meaning, if I start doing what the research tells me to do, what can I realistically hope to feel, and to see change and evolve in my life.

We are almost ready to talk about the 40% category – deliberate activities. Remember that this is the category that offers us the best chance of increasing feelings of happiness. And please bear with me as I continue to stress that increasing happiness is a personal choice that needs to be made by each individual, based on his or her circumstances, needs, and desires. It can’t be something imposed by others, or a social expectation or pressure, or the litmus test of whether you’re a mentally healthy person. What I’ve encountered in a therapeutic context are statements like “things really are good in my life and I’m so grateful for so much, so I don’t get why I don’t feel in sync with this reality. I feel a heaviness or a blahness that weighs on me.” For statements like these – for these individuals, the first thing we’ll do is some investigating to make sure that their assessment of reality is accurate. And if it is, then we dive into the advice that we will learn about in the 40% category.

We learned about the impact that genetics have on our happiness set point - recall that it was 50% - and we talked about how its human nature to return to that set point even after experiencing significant positive or negative life changes. This is best understood by the concept of hedonic adaptation, which we explained briefly last time. Today we’ll expand on hedonic adaptation to better understand the impact that circumstances have on our happiness level. Remember that circumstances and deliberate activities were the other two significant factors found by Sonja Lubomirsky in her research.

We spoke last about genetics accounting for 50% of our happiness set point, and I’m curious if that percentage is in line with your thinking; or were you under the impression that genetics would play a bigger role, or perhaps a smaller one. As we mentioned, genetics is accompanied by circumstances and deliberate activities, as the three factors that influence a person’s chronic happiness level. Before we define and understand these latter two factors, let’s talk a little bit more about the role that genetics play.

With toxic positivity remaining on our radar, let’s now move to talking about the ways through which we can increase and sustain, our happiness level. There are two highly notable individuals who are going to start us off and guide us on this next step in our learning. The first is Tal Ben Shahar. The second person we’re going to learn so much from is Sonja Lyubomirsky.

Last week I shared with you that part of me feels anxious spending so much time on toxic positivity. And, then there are the other pieces which know the path to authentic long term happiness, has to travel this road. We have to gain a sophisticated understanding of the things which get in the way, and toxic positivity is a big one. So picking up from the question I left unanswered last time, what are the negative side effects of toxic positivity?

We talked last about toxic positivity, and I encouraged you notice the thoughts and feelings that come up when you reflect on this concept - and I did the same. I thought about my nature of being a realist, and whether in a world often fixated on feeling good, my perspective just brings people down and detracts from their desire to feel happy. And I sat for a while just pondering that, and to be perfectly honest, it wasn’t the most comfortable space to sit in. (Pause) But if there’s one thing I’ve learned through lots of therapy it’s that growth happens in precisely those spaces – the uncomfortable ones. And as I grappled within myself, I remembered something I learned a while back, which is: that being perpetually positive isn’t the same thing as being hopeful or optimistic.

We talked last recording about the directive to amp up our joy in the month of adar. And we talked about how this implies that we all have a baseline of happiness to be able to do this. We also asked whether a person can be commanded to feel a certain way. And if so, are those feelings really authentic? These questions got me thinking about something else: Is “mishenichnas Adar Marbim B’simcha” in a sense our version, the Jewish version of the platitudes and cliches we see all over about being happy.

It’s convenient although honestly it really wasn’t planned, to begin studying happiness in the month of Adar because of the idea בשמחה משנכנס אדר מרבים when the month of Adar comes we should increase our joy. This statement may seem straightforward and simple, but if you give it some attention it really lends itself to a lot of challenging thoughts.