Sex for Smart People*

On cunnilingus, jealousy, and fear of the unknown (but not necessarily at the same time). Polyamory/pleasure scholar Antonia Levy joins us to discuss her research into the polyamory movements in the U.S. and Germany, the trouble with poly-normativity, and the complexity of using “polyamory” as a label. We address listener questions about getting comfortable with oral sex, and ways of softening the edges around jealousy when it feels all-consuming. Where is the line between trusting you are just not into something and recognizing a need to work through hang-ups about it? What do you do when you are in a healthy, long-term, open relationship but may never feel comfortable with the thing your partner desires the most? Also, hear Antonia’s thoughts about sex in the context of Muslim culture and Dave’s rant about the book Twilight.

Drumroll, please… religion, racism, AND pronoun usage!! LGBTQ rights organizer/researcher Cole Parke, who embodies empathy so fully it is practically a superpower, joins us to share about their experience organizing between queer communities and communities of faith, and also about how they work against hate and violence toward LGBTQ people in Uganda, Russia, and elsewhere. We collectively address a listener question about reconciling being gay and being Christian, and we share experiences of learning and admitting we’ve been wrong & the beauty of shutting the fuck up and listening. Is it really possible to hold others in love when they have conflicting or even oppressive views toward us? And if someone you are dating holds some racist views, is that a dealbreaker? Stephanie and Dave share their thoughts on Valentine’s Day. Learn why “Jesus likes it rough”, and “glitter is the herpes of the craft world”! This is a long one, but a really really good one, we promise.

Sex therapist/psychoanalyst Dr. Michael Aaron is our guest of honor this time. Hear his and our perspectives on things like: What to do when you feel less ravenous about sex than your partner feels? Is it really honestly possible to feel coziness/familiarity and also sexiness/mystery/excitement in a long term partnership? How do you begin to talk to your partner about your interest in power play? (Trigger warning, around the half hour mark, we talk explicitly about rape fantasies.) And did you know that *just this past year*, kinky behavior was officially de-pathologized in clinical psychology terms (we think it is about fucking time)? Plus, Dave is super silly and loopy on NyQuil, and he and Stephanie share their favorite pick-up lines.

Happy 2014! Meet the fabulous sex columnist Twanna Hines, of funkybrownchick.com. We discuss the line between fun flirtation and creepiness, we celebrate the beauty of human connection in general, and we talk about the distinction between open relationships and cheating (spoiler: it’s all about the honesty and communication). Also: role play! There is an actual role play in this one. And Dave and Stephanie check in about the podcast’s mission statement, we share some resources for healing sexual trauma, Dave rants about why ‘Love, Actually’ may be the least romantic film ever made, and Twanna talks about menstruation! Oh yes.

We are joined by super wise professor/researcher Laura Portwood-Stacer to discuss the complexity of the idea of the personal as the political, including some unpacking of the hefty concepts of heteronormativity and sex positivity. Where’s the line between a political identity that you should be out about and a bedroom practice that you should be discreet about? Is it ever ok for a woman to choose not to come in the context of a casual hook-up, or is that letting guys off the hook? And if a woman who is attracted to women is in her early thirties and has not yet had sex with a woman, has she completely missed the boat? Also, hear Dave’s extended boat metaphors, a love song from BONOBONOBONOBO, and Stephanie and Laura’s Quickies about Jesus. Yes: Jesus!

Badass sexuality educator/activist Adjoa Tetteh joins us to discuss ways of shifting the culture around talking about safer sex, how to love your WHOLE body (even and especially when it’s hard), what to do if you find our your spouse has recently had unprotected sex with someone else, what the fuck is actually up with HPV, and much much more. Plus Stephanie’s thoughts on 50 Shades of Grey, Adjoa’s mad props to breast feeding, a song about pleasure during childbirth, and our very first crowd source question!

The vibrant/wise/internationally-acclaimed theater artist Taylor Mac is here to talk with us about loving and queering and celebrating, oh yes! Sometimes making the bed when you don’t want to is an act of love. Communication does not have to be dramatic! What to do when you have been out with someone a few times but you haven’t heard from them in awhile.This, and much much more. Plus a tour update and song about longterm commitment from Love Songs for the Rest of Us.

Here are some links to things that were mentioned in the episode:

Our guest is the super epic badass, Diana Adams, who is a lawyer for non-traditional families’ rights and longterm activist for sexual freedom between consenting adults. Diana shares about her work in helping people create intentional partnerships and families and gives a sort of State of Sexual-Freedom-Rights Address. Questions/discussions about what to do when you want an open relationship but your partner does not, resources for buying sex toys, ways of figuring out what you are into, and “going with the flow” versus the potential steaminess/profundity of using words to communicate about your desires, and more. Also, tour updates and a feminist anthem from Love Songs for the Rest of Us.

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Here are some links and resources from this episode:

Ideas, legal and otherwise!

Third Parent Adoptions

Legal Mediation

some writing about red/green/yellow as safe words

some writing about talking about safer sex

Organizations!

Unmarried Equality

Woodhull Freedom Foundation

Family Matters Project

BONOBONOBONOBO/ Love Songs For The Rest Of Us

Books!

Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century by Barbara Carrellas

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, a book about exploring non-monogamy

Places to get sex toys!

Babeland (in store and online, has educators in-store)

adamandeve.com (online)

vibereview.com (online)

Mr. S (in store and online, particularly for people with penises interested in BDSM)

Quotations!

“Single mothers are the largest group of people in poverty in this country– historically in our welfare state the answer is “well just get them married” rather than disentangling financial support from a sexual relationship. We have this historical baggage about women being in a sexual relationship in exchange for financial support during their mothering years and I think that’s dangerous. I’m interested in supporting people while the law is catching up.” -Diana Adams in an interview with 14karatliving.com

“Date your own species.” –Reid Mihalko

Uncategorizable!

Six Tools For Women Who Give Too Much, a teleclass series with Diana Adams and Reid Mihalko

Hysterical Literature, by Clayton Cubitt

Hey Smart People, if you are new to this podcast, we recommend that you start here. In this episode, recorded live in front of an (amazingly sexy) audience at the Bowery Poetry Club, we share our personal stories, our mission statement and why we are passionate about doing this podcast. We also address queries from the audience about things like: keeping consent talk sexy, starting the conversation about having an open relationship, and beginning to explore the sex party scene. Plus, music performances by Salty Brine, Ian Axness, and BONOBONOBONOBO, and learn what our audience thinks is the sexiest. Our love is what we make of it, yo. We’re so glad and grateful that you are in this conversation with us.