Sex, Secrets, & Sass

What does it actually mean to practice ethical non-monogamy? What do you do when one partner wants to open the relationship and the other absolutely does not? And can we please stop pretending jealousy means you’re doing something wrong?

In this episode, we’re joined by Nicole Sonnefeldt, an alternative relationship and lifestyle coach and educator, for a candid conversation about non-monogamy, kink, jealousy, sex work, communication, and all the things people are often curious about but may be afraid to actually say out loud.

• What ethical, or “conscious,” non-monogamy actually means
• Nicole’s decision to leave therapy and move into coaching
• The emotional toll of hiding parts of yourself and living a double life
• Nicole’s own journey into non-monogamy
• Why monogamy shouldn’t automatically be treated as the only “normal” relationship structure
• Jealousy as information rather than evidence that something is wrong
• How to talk to your partner if you’re curious about opening your relationship
• What happens when one person wants non-monogamy and the other doesn’t
• Why opening a relationship won’t fix problems that are already there
• Stigma around swinging, kink, polyamory, and sex work
• Sexual health, testing, communication, and consent
• Nicole’s experience as a cam girl and the reality that sex work is, in fact, work
• How shame grows when we refuse to talk openly about sex
• Staying connected to yourself so you don’t abandon your own needs in the process

Want to dive deeper? Nicole recommends:

• Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jethá
• Polysecure by Jessica Fern
• The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy & Dossie Easton
• Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams

Want to learn more about Nicole’s work with ethical non-monogamy, alternative relationships, and creating relationships that actually fit the people in them?

Visit FreeForm Coaching:
https://www.freeformcoaching.com/

Follow Nicole on Instagram:
@freeformcoaching
https://www.instagram.com/freeformcoaching

Krissy Johnson, LMFT
In The Life Therapy
www.inthelifetherapy.com

Angie Martin, LCPC/LMHC
New Approach Mental Health
www.newapproachmentalhealth.com

Follow Sex, Secrets, & Sass on Instagram at @gensexers.

And if you enjoyed this episode, follow the show on Youtube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Leave us a review, and if you know somebody who would appreciate a conversation about sex, relationships, shame, secrets, or all the beautifully complicated stuff in between, send this episode their way.

Thanks for listening to Sex, Secrets, & Sass. We’ll see you next Wednesday! 🎙️💋

Why can couples talk about schedules, bills, children, and whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, but completely freeze when the conversation turns to sex, emotions, or unmet needs?

In this episode of Sex, Secrets, & Sass, Angie and Krissy sit down with California-based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Alanna Esquejo to explore what helps couples create greater emotional safety, communicate more honestly, and understand the deeper patterns shaping their relationships.

Alanna shares how family-of-origin experiences, childhood adversity, trauma, and limited emotional vocabulary can influence the way partners connect, argue, disclose secrets, and navigate intimacy. She also offers practical strategies couples can use to become more curious, less defensive, and better able to talk about the things that typically remain unspoken.

The conversation also explores infidelity, disclosure, relational agreements, consensual nonmonogamy, and why different partners may have very different definitions of secrecy and betrayal.

• Why Alanna enjoys working with couples and approaches therapy through a relational lens
• How family-of-origin experiences shape communication, intimacy, and emotional expression
• Why conversations about sex are still so difficult for many couples
• How an emotion wheel can help partners identify and communicate what they are actually feeling
• The connection between adverse childhood experiences, trauma, and adult relationship patterns
• Why naming a specific emotion can reduce defensiveness and create greater understanding
• How emotional safety supports more honest conversations about sex and intimacy
• The importance of asking questions with genuine curiosity rather than accusation
• How couples therapists navigate secrets, disclosure, and infidelity
• Why partners may define privacy, secrecy, and betrayal differently
• The role of clear relational agreements in both monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous relationships
• How cultural and family messages influence comfort with sexuality

When a difficult topic comes up, slow the conversation down and approach your partner with curiosity.

Instead of assuming you already know what they meant, ask questions that help you understand their internal experience. Curiosity makes room for connection. Interrogation usually sends everyone’s protective parts scrambling for body armor.

• Healing Together by Wayne Kritzberg
• Emotion wheel https://www.feelingswheel.com/
• Gottman Method Couples Therapy
• Emotionally Focused Therapy

• Website: https://therapywithalanna.com/
• Instagram: @therapywith_alanna

Connect with the Hosts:

Krissy Johnson, LMFT
🌐 www.inthelifetherapy.com

Angie Martin, LCPC, LMHC
🌐 www.newapproachmentalhealth.com

📸 Follow Sex, Secrets, & Sass on Instagram: @gensexers

⭐ If this conversation resonated with you, please follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your support helps us keep these conversations going.

In this episode of Sex, Secrets, & Sass, Angie and Krissy explore how unresolved grief and parental ghosts can influence a woman’s intimate life. Special guest Dr. Carolyn Alter, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist, shares her insights on navigating major life transitions and healing the emotional shadows that can affect intimacy, relationships, and our connection to ourselves.

Key Topics Covered:

• How grief related to parental loss can impact women’s emotional health and intimacy

• The metaphor of emotional shadows acting like a "chastity belt" in the bedroom

• How unresolved grief can show up as sexual disconnection and difficulty with emotional regulation

• The influence of early childhood loss on adult relationships and sexuality

• Practical approaches for processing grief and reconnecting with the body

• How internal mental models, or "blueprints," inherited from childhood can shape persistent patterns

• Why healing deep-seated emotional shadows can be a long-term process

• The significance of understanding cathaxis and its relationship to arrested emotional development and emotional regulation

• The connection between unresolved grief, abandonment wounds, and fear of rejection

• Ways to become more present and embodied during intimacy

Connect with Dr. Carolyn Alter:

🌐 Website: https://www.alterpsychpllc.com/

📸 Instagram: @alterpsychpllc

This episode offers a deeper look at how unresolved grief can shape our intimate lives, often in ways we don’t immediately recognize. Whether you’re navigating your own grief or supporting someone you love, this conversation explores what it can look like to understand those emotional shadows, reconnect with your body, and create space for greater intimacy and connection.

Connect with the Hosts:

Krissy Johnson, LMFT
🌐 www.inthelifetherapy.com

Angie Martin, LCPC, LMHC
🌐 www.newapproachmentalhealth.com

📸 Follow Sex, Secrets, & Sass on Instagram: @gensexers

⭐ If this conversation resonated with you, please follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your support helps us keep these conversations going.

In this episode of Sex, Secrets, & Sass, Angie gets personal about her relationship with alcohol and the journey that eventually led her to sobriety.

What started as college drinking gradually became something much bigger. Angie shares how alcohol continued to play a major role in her life long after college, the ways it affected her relationships and mental health, and the moment she finally admitted to herself that it was a problem.

She opens up about what happened next, including the role therapy, support groups, and deeper self-exploration played in her recovery. Angie also talks about the connection between alcohol, trauma, and mental health, and what she began to uncover once alcohol was no longer there to numb, distract, or help her cope.

Krissy and Angie also get into the growing sober curious movement and the idea that you don't have to hit a dramatic “rock bottom” to question your relationship with alcohol. Sometimes simply asking, Is this actually making my life better? can be a pretty powerful place to start.

Angie reflects on how sobriety has changed her relationships, her connection with herself, her experience of sex and intimacy, and her ability to actually be present for her own life.

• Angie's early relationship with alcohol and college drinking
• How drinking changed after college
• Recognizing the impact alcohol was having on her life and relationships
• The moment she admitted she needed to stop
• The role of therapy and support in recovery
• The connection between trauma, mental health, and alcohol use
• Navigating the challenges of early sobriety
• The sober curious movement and questioning our cultural relationship with alcohol
• Rediscovering joy without drinking
• How sobriety affected Angie's relationships, sex life, and connection with herself
• What Angie would say to someone questioning their own relationship with alcohol

Sober Curious by Ruby Warrington
A book exploring our relationship with alcohol and what life can look like when we begin questioning drinking culture.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
Peer support and recovery resources for people who want to stop drinking.

Sex, Secrets, & Sass is where therapists Krissy Johnson and Angie Martin talk about the things we're all thinking about but don't always say out loud. Sex. Relationships. Secrets. Shame. Mental health. Double lives. And all the gloriously complicated stuff that comes with being human.

Connect with the Hosts:

Krissy Johnson, LMFT
🌐 www.inthelifetherapy.com

Angie Martin, LCPC, LMHC
🌐 www.newapproachmentalhealth.com

📸 Follow Sex, Secrets, & Sass on Instagram: @gensexers

⭐ If this conversation resonated with you, please follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your support helps us keep these conversations going.

If you or someone you know is struggling with alcohol or substance use, professional support is available. This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes and is not a substitute for mental health or medical treatment.

Are you curious about reducing alcohol consumption but unsure where to start? In this episode, Dr. Lori Nabors, a virtual psychologist specializing in sober curiosity, shares practical insights on questioning drinking habits, understanding the impact of alcohol on women, and exploring the connection between alcohol and sex—all without shame.

• Understanding sober curiosity and why it’s gaining momentum among professional women
• The concept of micro experiments: trying small changes in drinking habits
• Key statistics about alcohol consumption and its effects on women’s bodies
• The difference between alcohol use disorder and being an alcoholic
• The impact of alcohol on sexual experiences and consent
• Overcoming shame and stigma associated with drinking, especially for women
• Strategies for tracking and measuring alcohol intake accurately
• The cultural normalization of "liquid courage" and its effects on relationships

Resources and Connect with Guest:

• Curiosity Distilled: A 6-week group for women questioning their drinking. No rock bottom required. Just honest curiosity about your relationship with alcohol, alongside other women exploring the same thing. Find out more about Dr. Lori at https://www.drlorinabors.com/ and book your free Curiosity Brewing Consult at https://drlorinabors.clientsecure.me 
• Understanding Alcohol Consumption Guidelines

This episode emphasizes self-compassion and curiosity as tools for exploring your relationship with alcohol, sexuality, and health. Remember, change begins with understanding and kindness toward yourself.

Connect with the Hosts:

Krissy Johnson, LMFT
🌐 www.inthelifetherapy.com

Angie Martin, LCPC, LMHC
🌐 www.newapproachmentalhealth.com

📸 Follow Sex, Secrets, & Sass on Instagram: @gensexers

⭐ If this conversation resonated with you, please follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your support helps us keep these conversations going.

This is Part 2 of Krissy's story.

Last week, Krissy shared the secret she'd been hiding for years and the impossible choice she faced when an ex threatened to expose it. This week, she picks up where that story left off.

Krissy shares what happened after telling her family the truth, how she began rebuilding her life, and the winding path that eventually led her from sex work to becoming a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Together, Krissy and Angie explore shame, identity, healing, and what it really means to reclaim your own story.

In this episode:
• What happened after the secret came out
• Rebuilding relationships with family
• The journey from sex work to therapy
• Why telling the truth can be both terrifying and freeing
• How sharing our stories helps others feel less alone

If this conversation resonated with you, we'd love it if you'd follow the show, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who could use the reminder that your past doesn't get the final word.

Krissy Johnson, LMFT
🌐 www.inthelifetherapy.com

Angie Martin, LCPC, LMHC
🌐 www.newapproachmentalhealth.com

📸 Follow Sex, Secrets, & Sass on Instagram: @gensexers

⭐ If this conversation resonated with you, please follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your support helps us keep these conversations going.

Before Krissy became a therapist helping women navigate secrets, betrayal, and impossible relationship decisions, she had secrets of her own.

In this deeply personal episode, Krissy shares the winding path from studying opera and musical theater to working in the sensual massage industry, living a double life, and eventually becoming the therapist she is today.

We explore shame, survival, identity, boundaries, and the moments that changed the direction of her life. Krissy also opens up about what it was like carrying a secret for years, why she ultimately decided to tell her story publicly, and how those experiences shaped the way she works with clients today.

This conversation isn't about having all the answers. It's about what happens when we stop hiding, begin listening to ourselves, and realize our past doesn't have to define our future.

If you've ever carried a secret, questioned your worth because of your past, or wondered whether healing and a fresh start were still possible, this conversation is for you.

• Krissy's early dream of becoming a professional singer
• How divorce unexpectedly changed the direction of her life
• Entering the sensual massage industry and living a double life
• The role boundaries played in keeping her emotionally and physically safe
• Shame, secrecy, and the emotional cost of hiding
• The experiences that ultimately led her to become a therapist
• Why our past doesn't have to determine our future

This is Part 1 of Krissy's story. Next week, the secret she'd worked so hard to protect is suddenly at risk of being exposed, forcing her to confront a decision that would change the course of her life.

Krissy Johnson, LMFT
🌐 https://www.inthelifetherapy.com

Angie Martin, LCPC, LMHC
🌐 https://www.newapproachmentalhealth.com

Follow Sex, Secrets, & Sass for new episodes every Wednesday. If this conversation resonated with you, we'd love it if you'd subscribe, leave a review, and share the episode with someone who might need to hear it.

Note: This episode emphasizes open dialogue about female sexuality, debunking myths, and promoting personal empowerment. Listener discretion advised for explicit topics.

Join Angie and Krissy as they explore how patriarchy has historically shaped perceptions of female sexuality, from medieval myths to modern medical blind spots. This episode dives into surprising facts about sexual satisfaction, the definition of sex, and the cultural expectations placed on women, offering a candid look at how societal norms influence our intimate lives.

Key Topics:

• Impact of patriarchy on heterosexual sex and women’s pleasure
• The true definition of sex beyond penetration
• How medical research historically marginalized women’s sexuality
• The evolution of beauty standards and their cultural implications
• Marital rape laws and the fight for women’s rights over their bodies
• The significance of language in shaping gender norms (“pregnant” vs. “they’re pregnant”)
• Challenging myths: semen as nourishment, women’s openness in medieval times
• The role of societal expectations in women faking pleasure
• Historical misconceptions about women’s sexuality from Aristotle to modern times
• How societal and legal changes influence women’s autonomy today

The Impact of Patriarchy on Heterosexual Sex https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObKOm_igUcM

Eleanor Janega and her website Going Medieval

https://going-medieval.com/ where you can find her book The Once and Future Sex: Going Medieval on Women’s Roles in Society and other essays like the two below:

https://going-medieval.com/2017/05/26/on-women-and-desire/

https://going-medieval.com/2019/05/16/on-sex-logic-and-being-the-subject/

Esther Perel, where you can learn more about her and her work

https://www.estherperel.com/

Anatomy of The Clitoris 

1.

O’CONNELL HE, SANJEEVAN KV, HUTSON JM. ANATOMY OF THE CLITORIS. Journal of Urology [internet]. 2005 Oct 1 (cited 2026 Jun 22); 174 (4 Part 1):1189-95. Available from: https://doi.org/10.1097/01.ju.0000173639.38898.cd

Domestic Violence Services Network, Inc.

https://www.dvsn.org/maritalrape/

Krissy Johnson, LMFT

Angie Martin, LCPC, LMHC

In the inaugural episode of Sex, Secrets and Sass, hosts Krissy Johnson and Angie Martin, both therapists, explore the complexities of sexuality, relationships, and the impact of menopause on women's lives. They share their personal journeys, discuss their professional niches, and delve into the societal taboos surrounding aging and sexual health.