Welcome to the 56th Annual Endtimes Convention! Sitting right in front are the zombie apocalypse fanboys, expecting to see the world filled with people who are neither truly dead not properly alive. How disappointed they will be with the real thing. And over there are the dispensationists rapping away at their calculators with their Bibles opened to Daniel 9. Let's see them crunch the numbers in Matthew 24. Entering through the door are the tribulation people. Actually, I don't think they're entering. It looks more like they're being dragged outside. All the best my friends, shame you couldn't join us. And right here in the middle is you! Yes you, our honoured delegate at this year's Endtimes Convention. Lemme get down from this stage and hear some of your voices.

Sir, based on Revelation, do you think the world will end quickly?

"No, I'm afraid it's going to drag-on."

B-dum-bsh.

Whoa, brother's got a bad joke in him. Must be a pastor. How about you, sister. Where are you from?

"LA"

Will the apocalypse begin in Hollywood?

"No, cuz east coast is beast coast."

B-dum-bsssh.

Ha ha ha. We're in for a fantastic time at this year's convention but first, a word from our sponsors...

Ladies and gentlemen, I posit to you: the Republic of God.

*clap *clap *clap *clap

In this republic, there is a divine ruler who governs with legislative and judicial arms. Yes, like most humans, this ruler has two arms.

*clap *clap

And like some humans, this ruler shall also be known as an executive. Ha ha ha ha ha.

*groans

Ahem. Erm...

*cycles through cue cards

Oh, this is a funny one. What's the difference between the United Kingdom and One Republic?

*silence

Oh dear. Errr... so, two kingdoms walk into a bar.

*

So it went on like that for about twenty minutes. And then the angels appeared in the sky and we all freaked out and they stopped making bad jokes. Thank God.

Howdy do, buckaroo! Time to dust off yer shootin' iron cos it's a fine day for wranglin' some witnesses. We got three cowboys and a cowgirl so fast they can shoot the wings off a fly and leave you hungrier than a coyote in winter. We also got the the baddest gun in the state ridin' up in the mornin' to lead us into some fine yee-haw. Then we rustle up some grub, burn daylight and hit the trail. I'll see yer in the dust, partner. Don't let the tumbleweeds hit yer on the way out.

Join us tonight for our Christmas Eve Service, to be followed by food and merriment till midnight! The Gospel will be preached, so bring your friends and loved ones.

What is a mal'akhim? Is it an akhim that didn't develop properly? Is it a Malaysian akhim? Or is it a khim boiled in mala soup? Someone told me it's an anagram of how you greet a laboratory ("hi, makmal" — I know, I know). Someone else told me-

Dude, it means angel. Like the BM word "malaikat".

Oh. Then why don't they just say "Angel"?

I dunno bro. Your pastor, not my pastor.

-_-

I hope they pay you well.

Man finds voice after baby name choice. The local priest who was dumbstruck a several months ago after expressing doubt over an angelic promise has now finally spoken. Literally. The promise he queried pertained to the unlikely birth of a child to himself and his ageing wife. "It was like a silent retreat," the priest said at a press conference. "I grew to quite like it." His wife was in a confinement centre and wasn't available for comment, but a relative said, "I didn't realise anything had changed. He's such an introvert to begin with". When asked on the baby's name, the priest showed the press a note he wrote on his tab bearing the words "His name is John", This story is the second of a recent spate of angelic visitations bearing news of childbirth to unlikely women. To understand this trend, we turned to a local pastor, who said, "I disagree, I don't think this has anything to do with people wanting dragon babies".

Ah, Mary's Magnificat! My favourite advent passage. I once had a magnificat of my own. Low purr, soft fur and a stare that would turn bigger beasts into stone. One time I lined up three hoops of fire-wait.

"Halo boss. Ya I'm doing it now. What do you mean it's not in English. Like hispanic latin? Ancient latin?? How am I supposed to... what do you mean it's got nothing to do with cats? It says right there. It means magnify? Ok. Ok boss. Nvm. I change.

Where was I? Magnificat! My favourite advent passage. I once magnified a cat before...

Hark the herald obs-n-gynaes sing: "Greetings, Mary. It's a boy!"

No ultrasound, no 4D scan, nada. Just pure angelic see-through.

Quiz. What was the name of this angel?

Answer: Gabriel.

Quiz. If the short form of Gabriel is Gabes, what is the short form of its original Hebrew variant Gavri'el?

Answer: Gaves.

Quiz: So how do you introduce your new angel friend to your guests?

Answer: He Gaves.

Is it bad English? Yes. But it's good Hebrew. And it's good Angel. Very good angel.

You heard ‘em, so let’s get cracking. It’s ok if you haven’t started. We can all start together. Just take a mo and think about it.

You done? What do you mean you don’t know what to think about? It’s right there in the visual. Think about cheese. For example, I was thinking about a salty, sharp cheddar grated over spaghetti tossed in olio. Or a crumbly fetta cheese generously topping a Greek salad. Or a thick, nutty slice of emmanthal… what? What do you mean it doesn’t say cheese? It says right there in bright cheese-yellow “think about-" oh. Oh. Oops

We have a feast this week, guys. Ayam goreng berempah, nasi kukus... wait, the phone is ringing.

Hello? What? Ya I know. I was setting it up. Ha? No ayam goreng? Oh ok. Alright.

We have a feast this week, guys. We have nasi lemak bungkus. But better than nasi lemak bungkus is globally acclaimed nasi new testament scholar, Pauline expert berempah, and Holy Land veteran kukus. Yes, we have Rev Lim Kar Yong preaching on Philippians like your pastor can't, cos he's not a published academician and also cos he's on the phone with me telling me to say this. Amen hallelujah.