In the aftermath of an eventful week - which includes starting methotrexate, the dreaded drug I've been freaking out about! - I now sit in the doldrums of a quiet moment and reflect on the the wisdom _the right dosage_, and the awareness that context (and not the thing itself) is the difference between poison and medicine. Paracelsus, Jane Eyre, populism, the golden age of piracy, and the current political moment all find their way into this week's episode.

This week I turn 42 and have much to share about summery celebrations and wintery vast planes of the soul. The paradox or Yin and Yang come forward in this conversation, as does the wisdom of “surrendering to motion”, “giving one’s body over to the doing”, “relaxing into discipline”, and “moving toward that which you love even/especially when it’s suffering.” Joanna Macy, Rainer Maria Rilke, Dr Rick Hanson, and Bernice Johnson Reagon all feature in today’s episode, along with some discussion of the Emperor reversed and the Seven of Wands.

This week I anticipate my upcoming birthday and am surprised to find villainy at the threshold. A Greek sea monster, the poet Rumi, the somatic therapist Luis Mojica, four evil great grandfathers, and the revelation of a curse, all shape today’s discussion.

I tell you about my misadventures camping this week (urgent care features twice!). And I ponder the relationship between a set of imposed constraints and the capacity to create, be, and thrive.

This week I get an MRI, enjoy my new headstand stool, and somehow end up talking about the dark feminine, outlaw energies, the Ramayana epic, James Hollis and his acorn/oak tree notion of potential wholeness, and my childhood penchant for “playing Miss Hannigan” - the evil orphanage lady from the musical Annie.

Let me tell you the story of last Saturday, and how I reached a moment of both crisis and clarity in the middle of the night. Turns out I’ve been a fervent acolyte of Puritism, and a faithful practitioner of human “separateness”. Who knew? This week I draw on the wisdom of the tarot and Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Skywoman to help make sense of this discovery and to sort out next steps.

This week I tried out an infrared sauna and a writing exercise inspired by the doctor Cynthia Li, and the writer Cheryl Strayed. I struggled with sinking morale, and realized I’m starting to feel betrayed by magical (right hemisphere) healing modalities, in much the same way that I felt betrayed by rational (left hemisphere) modern medical ones a decade ago. I draw on wisdom from psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist and the indigenous naturopathic doctor Nicole Redevers to help me reflect on these betrayals and possibly reconcile the deep conflict within (and without).

This week I share a story of a deal I made with the universe ten years ago and how - almost to the day - it was called in. The implications have left me reeling. Who is responsible for our own suffering and misfortune? Many in the alternative healing space have strong opinions. So do Job’s friends. This episode wades into the Old Testament and 1990s figure skating to get some answers.

This week I ended therapy (after five years of weekly visits!), “went rogue” at a paint & sip event, tried out Byron Katie’s questions while staring at a sink of dirty dishes, and broke down happy crying in a rose garden after my podiatry appointment. Impermanence of both beauty and suffering - and the importance of bearing witness to both - is the week’s takeaway. Plus my last episode made me realize I was projecting onto my friends!

Incurable disease and chronic pain throw a big wrench in the mechanics of a story line. In this episode I reflect on why that might be, and why main character energy dries up so profoundly in the face of it. I also talk a little about the paradox in the symbol of the snake, and explore just briefly what went on between Eve and the serpent in the garden of Eden and the particulars of their mutual “curse”. And I also mention the Rod of Asclepius - the universal logo for hospitals and healing - a staff with a snake climbing up it. There is ambivalence in this imagery. Poison is medicine and medicine, poison - the difference seems to be in the framing and application. Perhaps there are some clues here about how to move forward - even when the snake is still biting.