Social Confidence For Life

Are you okay with the way you look in the mirror? Could you go as far as to say you even like the way you look? Or do you find yourself non-stop criticizing your body image when you look at yourself? Join Josh Valentine in this episode where he guides you on how to stop criticizing your appearance and get to the next level in relating to yourself in a more positive, uplifting, and powerful way. When you nail down accepting your body image, you unlock way more freedom to be YOU in any social setting.

To maximize confidence in every area of your life at rocket speed, get your (FREE) ebook, "5 Steps To Break The Anxiety Barrier" here.

Perfectionism is harming your sense of self-worth until you get the outcome you want, and most people are stuck doing this- in fact, there will always be perfectionist tendencies at every level in our growth. The more ambitious we become, the more a part of us wants to go faster and get the results ASAP!

What's important is that we 1) catch ourselves in perfectionism and then, 2) let it go so we can enjoy working toward our goals without dealing with feeling terrible for not having what we want yet.

Feeling like a loser for not progressing "fast enough" is super discouraging and eventually causes us to give up if we don't relax that part of ourselves because it gets stronger the longer we leave it unattended to.

It's like a little kid shouting to his mother who denies her kid permission to play the Xbox, "I want to play it now!!!" And then the kid just can't control his anger and upset at not being able to get what he wants ASAP.

What he's dealing with is a tremendous sense of "I am not okay" without the Xbox. And that feeling of low self-esteem is so uncomfortable that he lashes out in anger and blames his mom for causing that feeling.

What the child really needs to reach peace is to let that perfectionist attitude of needing to have exactly what he wants go. Without ever working on this, the child will always feel horrible when he doesn't get what he wants.

When people feel a compulsive need to get what they want, their experience is similar to this child's. They, too, have a sense of "I'm not okay without what I want."

One area that I'm currently working on letting go is getting my ideal body image. I noticed recently that when I see myself in the mirror, I have thoughts of "still no progress? What the heck!?" And then, I just pity myself.

However, there is a simple process for letting that go, but we have to be ready to because the short answer to healing ourselves from perfectionism is to prioritize our happiness above that which we want. And the ironic thing is, we think what we want will make us happy, but that's the perfectionism talking. We don't need what we want to be happy. We just need to be okay as we are without needing anything to be happy.

1) Admit it. We all know when we get too obsessed with getting the results we want because it feels bad, but we can start telling ourselves the false story that we feel bad only because we don't have what we want. The longer we tell this story, the stronger it gets and the more we hurt ourselves for not having what we want. We lose touch with reality, lost and consumed in our desires, until we admit the truth- we are inflicting pain on ourselves because we want something really badly.

The first step is to become aware of this so we can do something about it. The more we remind ourselves to be honest, the more we can see ourselves in perfectionism.

2) Upgrade your goal. Rather than getting attached to a distant goal like achieving the ideal body image, learning to sing or dance, or being able to bench press 50 more pounds, what's a healthier goal?

In order to answer this, we need to think in terms of consistent progress. What is achievable on a consistent basis? By finding a way to celebrate progress frequently, you get to bypass the "All or Nothing" approach that either you achieve your goals, or you feel bad until you do.

For getting the ideal body image, you could shift your goal to feeling healthy and energetic in your body. This doesn't mean you have to change your goals, you keep them if you want, and you just upgrade them. So you would still progress toward your ideal body image, but you do it to feel healthier and more energetic which occurs every time you workout.

In other words, you find a helpful why for getting your ideal body- to feel better in your body. As long as you are achieving that, you know you are making progress and can feel great about that.

So, how can you upgrade the goals you've become too attached too?

3) Feel it to heal it. This is about finding the perfectionistic energy within your body and feeling into it to let it go. Every emotional pain we have is energy we are producing. That means we can shift our energy. Just like the kid example of freaking out for not getting to play with his Xbox ASAP, we have that energy in our bodies when we get impatient with our results.

And just like the kid could use someone like his mother to help him let his attachment to the Xbox go to heal, we need to give our perfectionistic energy love and attention to let it go. So, instead of ignoring that part of ourselves in pursuit of our goals, to love it, we gotta embrace that uncomfortable feelingof, "I'm not okay" without that which we want really badly.

If this is hard to do, one great way to get to feeling your feelings is to journal about your experience.Just set a timer for 10 minutes and write about your inner experience with hurting over not progressing fast enough toward your goals.

If you feel defeated by a sense of hopelessness for having gone so long without having what you ultimately want like your ideal body image, don't give up unless you really want to. If you'd prefer that you have what you want, apply the steps above and you'll stop feeling so weighed down from not already being where you want to be in your life.

Instead, you can find joy on your journey toward realizing your desires.

The point is to prioritize your happiness above the actual acquiring of your goals.

Life isn't about getting goals, it's about internal transformation and growth.

As long as you focus on that, you can experience the constant joy from true progress rather than not seeing any wins in your life until you get that goal- which, by the way is only momentary. How long in duration is the moment you accomplish your goal? An instant. Once you get it, yay! You celebrate it. But, then it's over. You already reached your goal. So what next?

If you haven't worked on letting perfectionism go, you jump to something else to obsess over and get attached to.

Take action today and let go of perfectionism where you notice it!

Until we speak again, you were born to be real, not to be perfect. So go out there and be who you are.

I'll talk to you soon.

To maximize confidence in every area of your life at rocket speed, get your (FREE) ebook, "5 Steps To Break The Anxiety Barrier" here.

We all have something that scares us, whether it be approaching a gorgeous stranger or sharing an exciting idea at work, but it can be incredibly frustrating to feel stuck as if we are just out of reach with those things we most want. You may even feel that your throat tightens, your body gets tense, and your mind just generally goes blank.

Back when I would freeze up in conversations, even if I managed to start an interaction strong and confidently, something would happen that would cause me to start judging my behavior. Judging what I say, how I look, and ultimately how well received I am.

Maybe I tell a joke doesn't land right, or someone isn't bantering with me like I planned… and then it's just confusion in my mind and I freeze up filtering out what to say to continue a conversation.

All of a sudden, I would end up silent and avoid talking. And it would feel immensely awkward for me… and I'm sure they could pick up on it too like, "what's his deal?"

After way too many instances of this, I started to think, "what if I could just say anything on my mind at any moment so I didn't have to freeze up when I'd like to keep talking?"

What if I'm just filtering my thoughts too much?

What if it's not I don't know what to say, but's it's I'm being too critical of what I can say in the moment?

After being fed up enough with freezing up, I became committed to practicing being less filtered, less judging of the ideas I did have, and share more freely the ideas of my mind.

I decided it was more important to just take a shot in a conversation instead of missing my window of opportunity over analyzing what to say.

So how do we accept and not filter so much of what we can say so we don't ever have to freeze up because we're afraid to share the ideas we've got of what to talk about? How do we become unstopped by worrying too much about whether we will come across as interesting or engaging for others? How can we speak more freely and feel comfortable just being ourselves?

First, we gotta become aware that it's not that we don't know what to say, it's that we don't say what we can say because our thoughts are always active. Being alive means we always think and have things to say.

1. Practice loose association. This is about practicing what you could be curious about with any random object you see. For example, if you look around and see a chair, what statements or questions out of curiosity could you make about a chair as a topic in a conversation?

The point is to practice sharing your thoughts about random topics because when you get into a conversation, you do the same thing to keep a conversation going. In conversations, people will share their ideas, and then you can make comments or ask questions about what they talk about.

For me, I'd like to know if a chair is comfortable because that is important to me. However, if I am studying at a desk, then I want a chair that has a straight and firm back to keep me in a more focused posture.

If you see a blanket, what could you be curious about if it was a topic in a conversation? (I picked chair and blanket because I spotted those when I looked around… it doesn't matter what you pick. Just pick something and practice talking about it).

For me, I'd be curious if it is soft because I take my blankets very seriously! It is a crucial part of a good night's sleep for me. I don't care what it looks like so long as it is comfortable. But if it's rough- no way! I will not let that be my sleeping experience unless there was no other way.

And those are just some initial thoughts about blankets. The important note is you will have your own thoughts of curiosity if you give yourself time to think about it.

Practicing loose association trains you to show yourself that you do have things you can talk aboutand don't have to feel frozen, thinking you don't know what to say.

2. Practice listening! When people talk, visualize what they say. Visualize the key words that are the highlights of what they are talking about, and then loosely associate with them to come up with ideas of how you can add to what they say.

Listening is crucial if you ever want to be able to add relevant ideas to what others talk about. If we don't practice listening, then, we may find it difficult to pay attention when others are talking. That leads to freezing up because we won't know how to continue talking to someone we aren't listening to.

You can practice visualizing what people say without being in a conversation. As you go about your day, pay attention to what people are talking about around you and practice identifying key words you can loosely associate with.

You can also play an audio or listen to a podcast to practice.

The point is, if you are listening, you will have natural ideas of how to keep a conversation going.

3. Committing to not beating yourself up for getting a "non-perfect reaction."

We freeze up when we psych ourselves out thinking people are not going to like anything we say.

However, if we avoid talking to avoid getting "bad reactions," then we will never talk, denying all opportunities to connect with others.

Instead, we want to come to terms with the fact that we won't always get good reactions from people and that is okay because we will just focus on what we can control- showing up powerfully as our authentic selves.

We will just adopt the mindset that we choose to speak up as ourselves even if others may not like itbecause that's fully living. The alternative is cowardly- avoiding talking to avoid potential rejection.

So commit to giving yourself permission to get non-perfect reactions when you are being yourself, speaking freely in conversations.

4. Elevate your energy level through a pump up ritual. Pump up to an energy level (you can play pump up music) above the energy you'd like to play at in a conversation. Jumping in cold to talk to people engaging at a higher level of energy will just freeze you because you aren't in the mood to operate at their level.

This is the quickest way to boost your energy. The way it works is you find a place- it could be in the restroom, your bedroom, your car, any private room, or even in public if you choose (good embarrassment tolerance training), and you jump around and yell encouraging words such as – "I've got this! I can handle this! Bring it on!"

The point is to get hyped like football players when they run onto the field before a game starts.

Even just imagining yourself getting hyped in your mind already shifts your energy. If it isn't convenient to get pumped up somewhere private, you can just visualize yourself jumping around and yelling.

The key to being engaging is to have slightly more energy than those you are talking to. Otherwise, they can feel a bit bored with you.

That's a conversation hack right there.

So be cognizant of your energy level before you enter a conversation and pump it up if you need to.

5. Practice not freezing up through gradual exposure with social interactions that stretch you to face fears and be more energetic.

Identify a confidence goal that is important to you such as becoming an engaging public speaker.

Then, identify different levels of fear and energy you have to play at to go from where you are currently to where you have to be to get your confidence goal.

Then, order them from least energetic and scary to face to most energetic to most scary.

An example of a level 1 fear may be giving friendly greetings to 25 strangers. By the time you accomplish that, you may feel completely comfortable greeting anyone with a decent amount of positive energy.

Boom. Level 1 accomplished.

Then you move on to the next level you identify. And you keep doing this until you become an engaging public speaker.

Build up gradually.

Awesome work today!

Apply this in your life and enjoy never freezing up again, always knowing what to say, and being engaging no matter who you talk to.

You've got this, you can handle this, your success is inevitable because you are doing the inner work.

Imagine your future if you don't handle this now in your life and choose a different trajectory for your life. Choose to work on your fears and unleash your most confident self.

You are okay as you are no matter how others respond to you. You always have value to give others in conversations because you can bring positive energy and loosely associate to expound on what they say.

Until we speak again, you were born to be real, not to be perfect. So go out there and be who you are.

I'll talk to you soon.

So if they say you are weird, boring or awkward, you would just believe it and feel it's anti-loving energy in your body.

Also, if people judge your passions, interests, or dreams to be weird or not right for you, then you would agree with them and give them up.

Even if we get angry and repudiate their criticism, we are angry because a part of is taking their criticism and criticizing ourselves with it.

One type of criticism I struggled to handle was getting feedback that I was being awkward, boring, or embarrassing. This could be directly said to me or shown in peoples' facial expressions.

As soon as I perceived that people thought of me as awkward, boring, or embarrassing, I would make what I thought was their reality with me true. When instead, I could be holding on to the reality that I'm awesome and have a lot of value to give to people. But no, I couldn't do that yet.

So basically, in order for me to like myself, people had to permanently show me they thought of me as interesting, engaging, and cool. If I receive any critique deviating from those conditions, then, I'm a loser.

This was especially true in my dating and relationships life. If I got the sense that she thought I was weird, then I would believe it for myself.

Another area I couldn't handle criticism well was with body image. I struggled with people telling me I was skinny and looked weak because athleticism and strength training is a value of mine and I'm actually much stronger than is the average person with my more skinny body size.

People also tend to forget that size doesn't necessarily mean strength, and someone skinnier can be stronger than someone bigger. And so I would respond with anger, and a part of me would just attach the meaning that because they criticize me for being skinny, I am not good enough.

Automatically buying into criticism kept me stuck in anxiety because I was afraid I'd get emotionally beat up eventually in a conversation from someone judging me to "not be good enough."

And then out of desperation, I began to withstand criticism and hold onto the confident energy I wanted in myself. And by doing so, I learned how to hold my reality, so others couldn't take it away with getting me to adopt the negative energy from their criticism.

Today, I enjoy freedom to hold the reality I want for myself no matter what others say about me or what I perceive their judgments of me to be. I choose to think of myself as awesome no matter what anyone says. Rather than only feeling good if no one criticizes me, I'm more certain of who I am than who people think I am.

The key is to be more certain of who you are than who others think you are.

3 Techniques to help you hold onto your reality of who you are include:

1. Defending yourself and disagreeing with them. This isn't about being hostile and aggressive, it's about owning your reality of who you are.

So if they say, "jeez you're so weird around people," you would respond with, "no way, I'm awesome. You're the weird one (playfully). You can be humorous and turn their criticism of you on them. The important point is to not automatically believe it to be true and beat yourself up with it.

2. Question the criticism with curiosity and seek understanding. This is about figuring out why they criticized you to help them see if maybe they are mistaken in their point of view.

If someones says you're hyper or "too energetic" and need to calm down when you were having a good time chatting, then you could say, "Really? Why do you say that?"

Them: because no one else is as energetic as you right now.

You (following your curiosity): Okay, so you are saying I shouldn't be the most energetic person? Is it bad to be the most energetic person?

Them: Well… no, not necessarily. It's just you look weird being so.

You: oh, so it's weird to be more energetic than others? What if I'm having a good time? Should I not allow that in myself to conform to everyone else's lower energy?

Them: Well no… you're right. I guess I would be afraid to be energetic and different because I might get judged.

You: oh, ha kinda like what you're doing to me right now?

Them: Very funny…

Not all conversations of questioning them well be as smooth as the scenario I crafted above, and the point is to help them understand if they really believe their criticism of you or if there is and underlying fear.

3. Accept a grain of truth in their criticism without making it mean you are a loser.

If someone overheard you stumbling on your words a few times when you were talking to someone you found attractive and calls you out for it, you could respond with,

"Ya, I did stumble on my words a few times, huh? I was nervous and took immediate action to go talk to her without pre-planning what I was going to say. Besides, people make mistakes all the time when they are nervous. I ain't gonna let that stop me from talking to women."

Did you pick on the energy there?

Did you notice how I was accepting of my mistakes without beating myself up or making it mean I should abort my mission to pursue her?

If I did beat myself up for messing up my words with her, then that would keep me in anxiety because I would be afraid of messing up again.

The point is to be okay with imperfection. And, you can always try again. All is not lost.

Your challenge is to apply this into your life. When you are in the face of criticism, apply your techniques of 1. Defend yourself, 2. Question them, 3. Accept some truth without turning on yourself.

You've got this, you can handle this, take a "bring-it-on" attitude when others judge you because you are more certain of who you are than the criticism they impose upon you.

You can hold your reality so others can't take that away from you.

And your reality includes awesomeness, confidence, and a ton of value to give others.

You're awesome!

Until we speak again, you were born to be real, not to be perfect. So go out there and be who you are.

To maximize confidence in every area of your life at rocket speed, get your (FREE) ebook, "5 Steps To Break The Anxiety Barrier" here.