Blusterbus BoJo Bonson Johnson is back! With a PMQs performance better than last week's, it looks like he's refound his groove for avoidance, lies and time wasting. Starmer and Bonson will probably fall into a pattern of forensics Vs bullshit. *Contains swearing*

We now have 60,000+ excess deaths due to COVID-19 and a schism is opening up between the scientists and the politicians. Theresa Coffey is blaming the scientists, the scientists are blaming the government's decisions. Meanwhile Piers Brosnan goes Gonzo. And where's BoJo? Preparing to baste Starmer at PMQs tomorrow. *Contains swearing*

"Who are we gonna get today?" So goes the call of the eager viewers at home, waiting by their phones to hear the latest premeditated criminal acts from a random Cabinet member in the daily government briefing. But where's BoJo? It's weird that the publicity hungry egomaniac isn't fronting the briefing every day! Is he still shaking off COVID-19? Is he changing nappies? Who knows! *Contains swearing*

A man desperate for a cuddle with his mum designs the future. Keir Starmer loves his mum too, and enabled her to continue looking after rescue donkeys after she lost mobility (cue the Mail on Sunday doing the worst hit job in the history of journalism). The teacher unions demand test, track and isolate before returning to schools, so the government are weirdly trying to convince us that teachers don't care about children! *Contains swearing*

In a world of lies and cover ups, we have all stepped through the mirror and live now amongst dangerous nonsense. Sebald and Kermit the frog help to make sense of it. *Contains swearing*

I celebrate Charlie Brooker and AntiViral Wipe crew for a brilliant, unmissable show. We visit Dartmoor and witness an incredible dog, Fido, change our lives forever. Meanwhile Matty Handcock lies about care homes, the R value is rising and the Mail go to the extremes to try to justify an insane idea. A normal day for the decrepit failure of Johnson's government. *Contains swearing*

New Zealand are celebrating their success after going into hard lockdown early. They have recorded only 21 deaths and 96% of the approx. 1,500 cases have recovered. Now they can meet up in groups of 10 and get their haircut. Slightly different from that testiculating walrus BoJo Bonson Johnson. *Contains swearing*

Starmer causes brain swell for every journalist pressured to come up with a play on words that aptly summarises the difference between him and Johnson at PMQs today. He led him to the lake, drowned him there, waited for many hundreds of thousands of years while the cadaver became fossilized, then he smashed that fossil into little bits, ground it up and drank it. *Contains swearing*

Today's ONS figures show the overall number of deaths from COVID-19 in care homes is larger than the COVID-19 deaths in hospitals. Meanwhile care homes were pressured to take back COVID-19 patients from hospitals or lose PPE funding! How is that not criminal? No wonder newspapers around the world are reporting the UK government's basketcase response. *Contains swearing*

So the new ruse in Westminster is that Whitty and Vallance didn't agree to the new strategy because they are not experts in communication! It's not as if there's 32,000+ confirmed (55,000+ estimated) deaths. What happened to the guiding principle of medicine, first do no harm? Paterson gets a cushy deal for the company that pays him £100,000 a year and England slips further into the mire. *Contains swearing*