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Trauma haunts you for years.
Written on: 9/6/21
A warm summer day, when you flew away
My heart was in pain, but I said nothing
But your leaving is now a price I pay
Because of you, I am now suffering
He was now gone, which I came to resent
though he made sure to call us every night
He was always fine, but never present
Leaving me by myself to face my plight
She was there, not in the way I needed
Always busy, and always thought of her
It was four times, broke down, cried and pleaded
Those two years, a depressed and painful blur
Ten, my heart to big to fit in a mold
Now a teen, alone in my head and cold
I'll be fine.
An old poem to keep my podcast from being stagnant. Originally written on 7/15/21.
Transcript:
I would like to ask you a question
But I cannot fathom who you are
Or what you’re doing
What you can do
Because I do not believe in your existence
Because my thoughts cannot comprehend the mere notion that you could be here
I cannot think of you
And I don’t think I want to
I could look for you everywhere
But I wouldn’t find you, I wouldn’t find us
Because I am you, and you’re inside my head
Taunting me with the notion that you’re better than me
I’m tired, and you’re not
You’re happy, and I’m not
And I kind of resent that fact you exist
Because I feel like no matter what I do, I will never be able to reach you
And yet, I do continue to wonder
All the time
What it would feel like to be you
If I could change enough to be you
If I could do enough to become you
If I could do enough to become me
But instead
I will smother the thought of you in my brain
Because while I hold the dreams of you close to my heart
Thinking about how fragile the idea of you could become does not belong in my head
So I will say goodbye to you, future me
I hope you exist
I pray you exist
And may we meet again, when you are finally me
Sorry about being gone for so long! I stopped writing to deal with my mental health!
Written on: 7/12/21
Transcript:
This sad, deadly pandemic a decade
Almost a million of our own, now dead
The virus has cleaved our hearts with its blade
So much sadness, I do not trust my head
The seeds of our own hate, sewn into cloth
Damaging beautiful red, white, and blue
In the first month, rioters doth
Forget democracy, and think lies are true
The needle in my left arm, I received
To become immune to viral death
But not immune to the hate, I am peeved
Hatred against humans in every breath
Our country, though cracked, is now on the mend
Pain in the hearts of all, still yet to end
The pain of cavities is that you never realize they’ve worn through your teeth until you try to eat. Written on: 5/27/21 When you wake up You probably brushed your teeth So that they would stay healthy and clean Unlike the stains you left on my soul They’re white, bright as the moon, if you’d like You probably smile Knowing full well your mouth is clean enough to show to others But clearly not clean enough after the words you said to me You cleaned your teeth You got dressed Kissed your family goodbye And left And that brush of yours Prevents a multitude of things It prevents plaque And it muffles you, Prevents you from talking You can hear yourself try to speak through the white paste but you can’t Not because you don’t want to but because it’s impossible But you do it anyway because you don’t want holes in your teeth And yet you didn’t take the same care not to leave a hole in my chest
Paimon.
Video where I got the idea from: God Paimon | Animation - YouTube
Written On: 5/18/21
Transcript:
I found you drowning in a shallow lake
Lacking in the ability to swim
You could die for a Crab, Ham & Veggie Bake
Wanting to eat fills your days to the brim
You have followed me everywhere I go
Time together on missions long and broad
And though your constellation brightly glows
Are you connected with the unknown god?
Your feet never end up touching the ground
Your name belongs to the ninth king of hell
But with it all, am I real the clown?
If I really fell under your spell
Even so, I hope the help you're giving
Will truly help me find my lost sibling
Don’t forget to call and/or hug your mom! <3
Written on 5/9/21
Transcript:
From the moment I opened my small eyes
You were present, carrying my small form
You accepted wholly, to my surprise
Dealing with my antics, ever the norm
When I started on my first day of school
You were always there in support of me
Like when I swam in our neighborhood pool
Or at nine, when I tried to climb a tree
I know last year has been really tough
And I know we are all mentally tired
And limbo has really called our bluff
But I always am motherhood acquired
I may be confused right now, that is true
But never about my pure love for you
A sonnet about the recent shootings of 2021
Written on 4/27/21
Transcript:
Painful death flies from the guns of the blue
As loud as crackers on the 4th of July
Our vain system of justice, torn askew
We die in the streets, and our children cry
Bright lead pierces the hearts of innocent
As we see the white glare from the bright screen
Raising hands, and the giver of consent
As bullets come, from shiny badges with mean
The land of the free, and the land of death
The man’s cold weapon, the gun in his hand
As children breathe their final, solemn breath
Who in the sad end, is free in this land?
But alas, this is the truth we must face
No matter who you are, or your said race
A sonnet that I read aloud in my ELAR class. Based on a very destructive personal problem.
This work was started on 4/10/21 and finished on 4/15/21
Transcript:
Was everything you showed to me a ploy?
but with every single call, I would heed
in youth, every single day you destroy
and continue to watch me as I bleed
far into the dark, I would try to scream
as I saw you, I would try to avoid
I saw all of my small tears, they would stream
and fall silently into the dark void
I honestly feel a lot like Atlas
never been able to hold my weight high
But a shift in my core central axis
May allow me to look at the bright sky
Talking with others has helped me to cope
And hopefully, I may have found hope?
The podcast currently has 9 episodes available.