- “Hurting people hurt people—but narcissists mean to. The higher up the spectrum, the more deliberate and sadistic it becomes.”
- “A normal person can self-reflect and repair. A narcissist can’t or won’t—self-reflection feels like death to them.”
- “You didn’t cause this, and you can’t fix it. It’s not your fault.”
- “As darkness rises, so does the glory of God. What the enemy meant for evil, God can turn for good.”
- “If you move slowly and keep physical/emotional boundaries while dating, a narcissist will often disqualify himself.”
Annette’s 4-category spectrum
- Category 1: “Normal” human flaws—can be selfish or insensitive at times, but can self-reflect, repent, repair, and grow.
- Category 2: Emotionally immature; hurtful without calculated malice. Constant defensiveness, blame-shifting, meltdowns when confronted. Change is unlikely; aim is reducing chaos and managing wisely if you choose to stay.
- Category 3: Calculated and conniving. Love-bombing, data-mining your hopes/fears to weaponize later. Public charm/private cruelty. Dangerous in church/community settings. You won’t resolve this.
- Category 4: Sociopathic/psychopathic traits. Amplified cruelty and real danger. Divorce triggers the “monster.” Requires safety planning, documentation, and expert help.
Dating red flags and protection
- Love-bombing: intense pursuit, “soulmate” language, over-the-top gestures, fast-moving timeline.
- Boundary testing: pushes past your limits; discomfort rises quickly.
- Inconsistencies and subtle cruelty: backhanded comments, smirks at tears or grief, delight in your pain.
- How to protect: move slowly, keep physical/emotional boundaries early, listen to the Holy Spirit and your discomfort, look for patterns (not isolated incidents), and let time test character.
If you stay (Category 2 dynamics)
- Goal: not fixing him, but wisely reducing chaos and preserving your well-being and the household’s stability.
- Tactics: reframe requests in terms of what benefits him; avoid head-on confrontation; build your life outside the relationship (calling, ministry, education, friendships).
- Support: grief the loss of the dream; get equipped; find a small, trusted peer group who truly understands narcissistic abuse.
If you’re considering leaving (especially 3–4)
- Safety first: if there’s a risk of harm, have a go-bag for you/kids/pets and get out.
- Prepare: document everything; expect financial sabotage; avoid using the term “narcissist” in court unless there’s a diagnosis.
- Kids: courts may be vulnerable to “parental alienation” claims; consider a High-Conflict Divorce Coach to reduce legal costs and navigate strategy.
- Church/community: narcissists often “borrow” your credibility and pre-poison relationships. Find a healthy church culture and rebuild wise support.
Biblical considerations for divorce
- Abuse, abandonment, adultery are valid biblical grounds. With minors, weigh carefully: safety, modeling for children, and the realities of family court.
- Post-abuse, identity is almost always impacted. You can be 10 years out and still hear their voice in your head—self-abuse by proxy.
- The path: clean up the past (lies, agreements, unresolved pain), rebuild identity in Christ, then step into power and authority with wisdom and boundaries.
- Beauty must rise with pain: intentionally add joy, nature, creativity, and community to counterbalance suffering.
Church and parenting insights
- Teach kids the Word, discernment, and healthy vs. unhealthy relationship dynamics. Christlike love includes boundaries and walking away when necessary.
Programs and resources Annette mentioned
- Living Well While Staying: coaching for women who choose to remain in Category 2 marriages, focused on reducing chaos and rebuilding a meaningful life.
