Spectre Etc

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, Timothy Dalton does his damnedest to compete with all those great 1980s action films. The angry chief at our precinct demands results and has given us 48 hours to go rogue with a ”License to Kill”.

* The pre-titles sequence has Bond warming the bench while Felix attends to a pre-wedding mission to apprehend Sanchez. Bond suits up and catches the drug baron. The titles sequence follows, featuring Gladys Knight’s space-filling song.

* Sanchez escapes custody by bribing CIA Agent Killifer - but Felix’s wedding means no-one seems to notice. This wedding looks like it will lead to a longer marriage than Bond’s wedding in OHMSS did. Sanchez has his henchman Dario kidnap Felix and murder the new bride, so Felix’s honeymoon lasts no longer than Bond’s did.

* Sanchez sends a warning by having some sharks (real sharks, not Felix’s best friend Sharkey) ensure Felix is one leg lighter. Sharkey and Bond sneak into Milton Krest’s shark warehouse and throw some money at Killifer.

* MI6 is using the Hemingway House - a bustling tourist attraction - as a safehouse. Bond is dragged there because M wants the CIA to handle Sanchez. Bond realises it is the 1980s, so his only option is to go rogue!

* Bond sneaks on to Krest’s boat to find Sharkey dead, so Felix is now one friend lighter. James is nearly caught, but escapes a scuba fight by barefoot skiing behind a plane!

* James breaks into Felix’s office to track down Pam Bouvier. He agrees to meet this informant at a local bar filled with dancing girls and brawling boys. As Bond and Bouvier escape, Dario shoots Pam right in the bullet-proof vest. She has no such protection for the projectile Bond soon sends her way.

* Bond and Bouvier head to Isthmus to find Sanchez. Bond greases the wheels by throwing a briefcase full of cash at some Bank Manager. Cleverly, Sanchez is running his drug empire via a televangelist; stupidly, Sanchez is wearing a dead lizard on his shoulder.

* Uncle Q pops into Isthmus, and he has brought gifts! Once Bond has checked if Sanchez has a skeleton, he will be able to use explosive toothpaste to assassinate him! Ninjas come out of nowhere to thwart this plan. Turns out these are MI6 ninjas, here to orient 007 toward London!

* Sanchez saves Bond and brings him back to the lair, where Bond earns his trust. James joins a tour of the televangelist’s “Meditation and Wellness Center” (that Sanchez uses to package and ship cocaine) and puts flammable items right next to inflammable materials.

* Bond ends up on a conveyer belt, but an angelic Pam distracts Dario with her halo. The Wellness Center is burning down, but Bond gets things back on truck by hijacking a fuel tanker. As usual, a pineapple truck slows him down, and then a stinger missile forces Bond to get that 18-wheeler up onto 5 wheels.

* Bond and Sanchez fight on a tanker that rolls down a hill. Then they dust themselves off for a quick showdown.

* The film ends with Bond inviting Felix fishing (to seek revenge on the marine world) and then having to choose between the two ladies. Lupe loses, because Bond bags Bouvier.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Benicio Del Toro listed as the best henchman yet!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, Timothy Dalton takes us on a tour of an Afghan conflict and shows us the conflict of a Cellist tour in “The Living Daylights”.

* The pre-titles sequence is a welcome return to M’s office being out of his office. Bond has to jump a jeep off Gibraltar, before some music from A-Ha triggers memories of DJ Skat Kat.

* Bond must help Crybaby Saunders with Yorgi’s defection from the KGB. Bond spots a cellist acting as a sniper, and Kara can count herself lucky to escape with just a rash. Bond’s plan to cross the border leads to a much earlier (and shorter!) motorboat scene than previous films.

* A very frail Q still out of the office, but eventually 007 drags him back to the lab. Moneypenny is new and young and… still kinda lame. As is the ghetto blaster gag.

* Yorgi’s MI6 safehouse has incredibly lax security (and no cows, apparently), so an evil KGB milkman is able to break in and use a misappropriated Red Cross logo to steal Yorgi back for Mother Russia.

* Bond realises Yorgi’s defection was a scam and that Kara is his ticket to Yorgi. After some alone time in a public bathroom, Bond whisks Kara away. They are chased by an army of pursuers, but Bond is able to use car gadgets and Kara gadgets (a cello case) to evade them.

* James shows Kara an evening of culture (the opera and the circus) and then takes her, on the ferris wheel. Kara heads off for some post-coital postcard shopping, while Bond says a final goodbye to Saunders - who gets caught in a jamb.

* Bond breaks into Pushkin’s hotel room, and uses a naked girl to help set up a fake assassination. Bond beats Necros to the shot, and escapes by running across rooftops. Once again, 007 is kidnapped by an ally - this time he is brought to Felix Leiter’s frathouse for some solo cups of Jim Beam. Before Felix can rack up the Beer Pong table, James joins Kara - where Kara’s chloral-hydrate martini ensures his bad luck with drinks continues.

* Knocked out, Bond is captured and thrown on a plane to Afghanistan. Alongside him is a cooler carrying a heart, packed in ice. Upon arrival, Bond escapes the airbase and joins the Mujahideen in their fight for freedom.

* Bond heads back to the airbase to infiltrate the opium smuggling but gets sloppy with his disguise, so is forced to steal a plane full of opium. Just before take-off, James allows Kara to enter from behind. Unfortunately, Necros is also able to enter one of Bond’s openings.

* Necros tries to garrotte Bond with a net, but they both end up falling out the arse-end of the plane. James loses a show, but returns to the cockpit in time to prevent Kara piloting the plane into a mountain. He crash-lands in Pakistan - somehow close to both Karachi and Islamabad.

* Bond heads to Whittaker’s playroom to tie up a few loose ends. Whittaker has a lot of toys, including a remote-control cannon! Bond kills Whittaker, and then kills a witticism. Then, after all this work Dalton does to instil some realness in Bond, the idea of a Kara Milovy World Tour stretches the film’s credibility to breaking point!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Q restricted to London duties!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we return to the safety of EON films so the Broccoli Family can Roger us one Moore time as we Walk-ento “A View to a Kill”.

* The pre-titles sequence is pre-empted by a legal disclaimer that strangely fails to warn the viewer about the upcoming Beach Boys sound-a-like.

* Q and Bond discuss microchips as they try to avoid kicking a Floor-Droid. Moneypenny has disposed of Penelope Smallbone, and she is overjoyed to be invited to join the boys at the races. Tibbett (yes, MI6 have an equine expert) also attends.

* Tibbett suggests Bond head to France to learn more about Zorin - the owner of a winning horse - so Bond is off to the Eiffel Tower! There he meets an incredibly French investigator. May Day kills Frenchie, and forces Bond to steal a car from an even Frencher guy - sacre bleu!

* Bond and Tibbett head to Zorin’s chateau, disguised as a Lord and his manservant. They “pull a Kananga” in order to sneak around - discovering Zorin’s vials and microchips and henchmen. A couple of test tubes is all Bond needs to join the dots on Zorin’s horse-cheating.

* Bond makes a move on Mayday, and - presumably as an act of revenge - Mayday kills Tibbett. After a little horseplay, Zorin tries to drown 007, but a tired Bond is saved by his prehensile tongue.

* Zorin’s blimp arrives at San Francisco, with Bond mystifyingly close behind. James tries to buy some crabs, but ends up with just a steaming cup of exposition. After 007 sifts through this information, he decides to sneak up on Stacey in the shower.

* Bond uses an a-SALT rifle to save Stacey, before whisking her eggs. A quick trip to City Hall reveals Zorin’s genius does not extend to naming Operations. Nevertheless, Zorin is able to find enough rum to give Bond and Stacey a hot shaft.

* Bond and Stacey escape the flames, and are forced into a silly slapstick subplot involving San Francisco’s stupidest police. James hijacks one of Zorin’s trucks, allowing he and Stacey to sneak into the mine.

* Zorin goes a bit mental, killing most of his henchmen. Bond saves Stacey, and then works with May Day to prevent Zorin’s master plan from coming to fruition. Enraged, Zorin uses his getaway-blimp to sneak up on Stacey, but Bond is able to hang from a rope - just as the film’s credibility hangs by a thread.

* Bond uses this rope to tie the blimp to some bridge, before throwing a flaccid Zorin into the Bay. Dr. Monocle tries to detonate Bond, but James is able to kill the remaining bad guys with their own bomb.

* Bond receives the Order of Lenin but misses the ceremony. Once Roger realises that MI6 sent Q to see Bond shower, he throws in the towel.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have “The Spy Who Loved Me” officially registered as the best film of Roger’s reign.

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we risk the wrath of the Broccoli Mafia by straying from Eon Productions. Find out if Kevin McClory’s offer was one we should have refused in “Never Say Never Again”.

* The pre-titles and the titles are efficiently merged. Sean’s face fills the screen before his cinematically-shot training mission goes awry. This results in an absolutely awful M sending 007 to detox.

* The SPECTRE meeting shows they are no longer the Industry Leader. It seems their sole focus now is to repeatedly spell out the acronym - which seems to excite McClory far more than it should. SPECTRE sends #12 to assassinate Captain Jack in the most contrived way possible.

* In a clear cry for help, Bond fills his rehab suitcase with contraband. Once at detox, Bond undergoes more colonics than one would think necessary. Then he is attacked by a henchman who is also a Count. Luckily Bond is able to give the noble thug a piss of his mind.

* On Largo’s boat, the office doubles as a peep-show booth. He watches Domino dance for a bit, then zips up and heads out to give her a “Tears of Allah” pendant before threatening to slit her throat. Nice guy.

* Before heading to the Bahamas, Bond visits Q’s lab. Unfortunately he only finds Algie - some degenerate cockney who tries to live vicariously through 007 anecdotes. In the Bahamas, Bond is greeted by his new offsider: Mr. Bean.

* Bond and #12 go deep, and then head underwater. They swim with the sharks, but Bond is able to find safety in an unflattering pair of overalls. Luckily, when Bond’s hotel room explodes, he is still wearing protection.

* Bond chases Largo to France, where he meets up with the best Felix yet. Bond sneaks into a spa to assault The Sister of the Guy Who Did the Thing. Domino tells 007 that Largo will be at the casino that night, helping out some local orphan kids.

* At the casino, Bond is coerced into competing against Largo at his own game. Domination is annoying to watch, and looks awful to play. But it is a whole lot easier to watch than Bond telling Domino about her brother’s death during a ballroom dance.

* Bond jumps on his motorcycle and chases #12 around town. She eventually traps him, and becomes a plot device enabling Bond to use his pen gun. Thankfully, this contrivance allows Bond to kill her before he and Felix strip down to their underwear.

* Bond pops up on Largo’s boat a little early for their lunch date. Largo captures Bond, but lets his prisoner wander free on the boat. This lax approach has many negative consequences for Largo. He responds by locking Bond in a tower, and giving Domino a spit-bridge kiss before putting her on the auction block.

* Bond escapes, rescues Domino, and kills a horse. Back on the boat, M uses the intercom to sexily serenade Bond and Domino. Bond realises Domino’s pendant is a clue - so it is time to bust out the jetpacks!

* A too-long gunfight scene leads to an underwater sequence in a saltwater drinking well. Before all that swimming killed Connery’s hairpiece, Domino (she is an agent now?) shows up to kill Largo.

* While the epilogue usually shows the viewer that Bond is never completely safe, this time the final scene puts the viewer in danger.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Kevin McClory locked in a room for an interrogation by Col!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, Roger offers a history lesson on India’s colonial past! Enjoy our first ever pre-titles sequence as we try to out-do Bond for schoolboy humour, and join our short stay on a sapphic island in “Octopussy”.

* A pre-titles sequence everyone enjoys sets us up for what we can only assume is the all-time high of Rita Coolidge’s career: yet another Bond ballad.

* Agent 009 learns that a clown costume is the worst possible outfit for a midnight chase through the jungle. Then, we meet the new M when Bond gives a crash course in Faberge Eggs.

* Orlov defies the wishes of his frenemies and presses on with his plan to conquer Europe. Part One of this plan? Sending Kamal to a jewelry auction. Bond is meant to walk on eggshells but bids big; Kamal keeps his cool and shells out for the egg.

* In India, Bond heads straight for the casino to play his signature game… backgammon? Bond brings sexy back with a no-look roll, as he and Kamal eventually come face-to-face. This cheekiness is swiftly punished with a tuk-tuk chase - which includes a quick lesson on the cultural delights of the subcontinent.

* Bond visits Q’s makeshift lab for terrible one-liners and schoolboy nonsense. Bond’s date with Kamal’s girl leads to Magda shows Bond her octopussy, then taking a walk of shame right off the balcony - upon which Gobinda comes out of the shadows to have his way with James.

* Bond’s imprisonment in Kamal’s castle leads to nice suits and fine dining. Refusing to put up with this outrageous treatment, James breaks out of his cell and catches a hint of exposition. Bond quickly realises the only way out of this fortress is to hide in a bodybag until he is taken out with the next truckload of corpses.

* An unconvincing zombie impression gives James enough room to escape into the jungle.This is hard viewing even before the vine swing is ruined with Tarzan’s awful audio.

* Bond’s colleague Vijay is demoted to massuese, while Octopussy’s ladies-only island outrages James. Bond heads for this island paradise, and Octopussy quickly wraps her tentacles around him. Kamal arrives and is angered by Bond’s nasty habit of surviving, so heads off to hire some henchmen at the cantina. Unlike Vijay, James is able to escape the circular saw yo-yo.

* Bond follows Octopussy and Kamal to Germany, where he learns that Orlov and Kamal are double-crossing Octopussy by switching precious jewels with an atomic payload. Bond kills a few henchmen before Orlov dumps exposition all over him. Bond’s knowledge of the full plan leads to driving a car on the train tracks, and then spending time on, in, and under a train. SPECTRE Etc has plenty of questions about these scenes, but Col has all the answers!

* James jumps from the train and once more flees through a jungle. Bond arrives at the circus and spends a good half hour putting on clown makeup. It turns out that Col is also our go-to man for questions about painting one’s own head.

* Bond infiltrates the circus but no one takes the clown seriously. Octopussy steals a policeman’s gun to shoot at the bomb; then James defuses it the old-fashioned way.

* Everyone zooms back to India for a circus-style sneak attack, before Bond’s horse catches up to Kamal’s plane. Bond brings down the plane, then lets Octopussy nurse him back to health.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Gobinda officially renamed The Turbanator!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we catch MacGuffin Mania in a quest to get back our ATAC! Join us for this Winter Games extravaganza, as we watch James Bond do stunt after stunt that are clearly beyond Roger Moore in “For Your Eyes Only”.

* We open with Please-Don’t-Call-Me-Blofeld hijacking a helicopter that is carrying Bond! This bald villain offers James a brand new delicatessen, but Bond is looking forward to a SPECTRE-free future.

* Bond takes the morning train into Sheena Easton’s sleepy song, before being briefed on this film’s macguffin - the ATAC. Meanwhile, Melina meets her parents at sea - who are immediately slaughtered right in front of her.

* A quintessential 1980s pool party - complete with totem tennis and awful music - brings Bond to Spain. He is captured, but Melina gatecrashes the party with her crossbow, allowing Bond to escape. The plan is to leave in the Lotus, but an explosive anti-theft device forces a change in plans.

* Bond and Melina flee in the Definitely-A-Bond-Car Citroen. Once Bond has had his way with criticising her driving, his hands are free to take control of this canary-yellow car. They escape, and Bond hypocritically warns Melina against seeking revenge.

* Bond and Q use the Identigraph to lock sights on Locke. This information sends Bond to Italy, where he meets Ferrara and Kristatos and Bibi. Kristatos tells Bond not to trust Columbo - but because Kristatos thinks Bond should chaperone Bibi, we know not to trust Kristatos.

* Melina visits a local crossbow store - which, from how the coach driver “protected” her, seems like a smart purchase for a lady travelling alone in this part of the world. Bond gets a taste of the other side of sexual harassment when Bibi tries to seduce him. Thankfully (for all), Uncle James offers to buy her an ice-cream instead.

* Eric the biathlete gives Bibi the stinkeye before a ski chase through a chalet and down a bobsled track. Then, an unnecessary scene at the ice hockey rink ensures all the Winter Games are covered.

* The plot grinds to a halt as Bond and Melina walk us through some of Greece’s cultural heritage. The action kicks back in when Bond goes home with Contessa Brosnan - who he beds, of course. This turns out as well for this Contessa as bedding Bond did for Contessa Teresa in OHMSS.

* Columbo brings Bond onside by poking fun at his physique, and these new partners head off to detonate the warehouse where Kristatos keeps his big spherical balls.. Bond tries a taste of raw opium and subsequently is able to zoom up a big flight of stairs at superhuman speed and kick Locke’s car off a cliff.

* Bond and Melina meet underwater, then head for the shipwreck to retrieve the ATAC. In a clamp-heavy scene, Bond has to fight for freedom from a few foes. Kristatos captures and then keel-hauls the couple across the coral, but Bond is able to cut the cable.

* Bond just happens to be an unbelievably impressive rock-climber for such an old man, so he is able to sneak up to the mountaintop monastery where Kristatos is waiting to meet Russian M. Bond ignores the big villain and instead has his big showdown with one of the henchman. Thankfully, Columbo is able to kill Kristatos, saving Melina from the satisfying resolution of avenging her parents’ murder.

* Bond throws the ATAC off the cliff, then chooses skinny-dipping over taking a call from the Prime Minister.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Max the Parrot replace JW Pepper as Bond’s best-known sidekick!

Moonraker - “Just Contact Our Lawyer”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this rant-filled episode, we follow Bond for a race to Outer Space (with hasty pit stops in California and Venice and Brazil). Along the way, we will dissect and then reassemble the Frankenstein of a film that is Moonraker.

* A space shuttle is hijacked, Bond is thrown out of a plane without a parachute, and the menacing henchman Jaws returns! And all that happens in the pre-titles sequence!! Prepare yourself for a high-adrenaline adventure!

* Bassey is back for the song, but it appears she has not been fully thawed-out. Her low-energy number can’t be saved by some sub-standard silhouettes, and all the heat goes out of that great opening sequence.

* Bond is tasked with recovering the hijacked shuttle, so he is given a wristy pistol and is sent to California. There he meets a man named Drax and a lady (a lady doctor, if you can believe it!) named Holly.

* Years fall away from Bond’s face as Chang has him going around in circles. To recover, James breaks into Corrin’s room with plans to penetrate. Once inside the safe, Bond finds what he needs and plans to leave. Drax aims to assassinate Bond, before killing Corrin.

* James visits a glass factory that is (rather inconveniently, it would seem) located in Venice. This leads to one of the worst attempts on Bond’s life so far in the series, and somehow this scene goes downhill from there! After surprising the people in the Piazza with a gondola on wheels, James turns Chang into a cartoon character.

* All of this commotion brings M to Venice. He gives Bond some MORE time off (do some work for once, James!), and then sends him to Rio. Tough life, being an agent...

* Between Carnivale and the cable-cars, an increasingly-feckless Jaws is unable to kill Bond. Just when we are worried that this great henchman is losing his edge, Jaws goes and falls in love. Speechless, senseless, love!

* Bond turns cowboy for a few baffling minutes that include a science lesson in a monastery. Then, like all good cowboys, James is off on a speedboat chase - this time through the jungles of Brazil!

* Deep in the jungle, Bond forgets about the mission and starts following a beautiful girl. This helps him to accidentally stumble upon Drax’s lair. Everyone gathers to watch Bond beat a snake, before Drax blasts off.

* Bond and Holly jump in one of the other rockets and give chase - demonstrating classic zero-gravity acting along the way. They make short work of taking over the space station before the showdown with Drax. A brief chat about eugenics is enough to turn Jaws into a good guy, and soon enough we have a Space Laser Battle!

* “Space Laser Battle” is not as exciting as it sounds, as it turns out. During this battle, Drax is mercifully sent out into space before explosions start to destroy the space station. Bond and Holly try to escape, but need Jaws to help release their space shuttle. Jaws, ever the gentleman, obliges.

* Bond and Holly try not to look too bored as they hurtle through space to prevent the apocalypse. Once Bond gets his shot away, he realises he is on camera. James gives Her Majesty a wink, and gets back to work.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to re-shoot the “Wuthering Heights” music video - this time with Kate Bush running through the woods as rabid dogs chase her down!

The Spy Who Loved Me - “Scrotal Imprint”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this Egyptian episode, we join Bond on his XXX-rated mission to retrieve microfilm from the Jaws of defeat. Ignore that floating Lotus - let us wet-bike you to Atlantis and beyond as we strive to find an original premise in The Spy Who Loved Me.

* The pre-titles sequence introduces Agent XXX before we’re off to the Austrian Alps to watch Bond pull out. Some nice skiing stunts show us the strength that can be found in silence (no slide-whistles here!). Then we ignore Carly Simon’s sleepy song to focus once more on what those silhouettes are up to.

* Some subs are missing, so Bond is brought in to chase up a lead in Egypt. Bond rides a camel across the desert before dismounting at a friend’s tent. Fear not though - more humps are in Bond’s future as some 70s sex-slavery convinces Bond to pitch his own tent for the night.

* Bond’s visit to Cairo involves some unconvincing fighting on a rooftop and the obligatory Pyramids trip. Here we get to see Jaws kill a man who - apparently - was already completely drained of blood.

* Microchip negotiations begin, but this is interrupted when Kolba is killed in phone booth. Bond and Anya join forces to follow Jaws - who kidnaps them and heads off into the desert.

* Bond and Agent Anya are forced to work together to retrieve the microchip and escape Jaws. On the boat back to Cairo, Bond tries to get his leg over - but Anya honeypots herself out of harm’s way. She is sent right back into harm’s way when Russian M demands the agents officially work together to chase the next lead at Stromberg Laboratories.

* For some reason, Bond and Anya catch a train from Egypt to Sardinia. This leaves them open to an ambush by Jaws - who is hiding in Anya’s closet! Despite the astounding hand:face ratio in the ensuing fight, Bond manages a shocking victory.

* Bond and Anya pose as Marine Biologists to visit Stromberg. The brief (and seemingly pointless) meeting gives us our first real look at Atlantis, and then our Marine Biologists are abruptly sent back to the mainland.

* A really exciting chase sequence builds from a motorcycle to a car to a helicopter, and climaxes with a submarine-Lotus. Elon Musk - if you are listening and would like to licence our “Float-us” idea, get in touch!

* Once Bond and Anya actually infiltrate Atlantis, the film takes a turn for the worse by becoming little more than a drawn-out imitation of You Only Live Twice (huge vessel swallowing another vessel, control room behind the shutters, one army storming the lair of another army, evil plan is to start a war between two nations…). Come on, Lewis Gilbert - no wonder the Revenge of the Nerds protagonists were able to usurp your name!

* With nameless nobodies dying all around him, Bond finds a copy of “Nuclear Subs for Dummies” and uses the easy-to-follow instructions to reprogram the launch coordinates for both submarines

* Bond tracks down Stromberg for an anticlimactic showdown, before running into Jaws for the real final battle. Despite the odds being against him, Bond is rewarded for all those childhood years playing Skilltester at the arcade.

* Once Jaws has eaten his daily intake of Omega-3 acids, we finish the film with Bond throwing out a quintessential “Double 0-ntendre”, followed by curtains and the most mind-boggling musical miscue imaginable.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to expose and immortalize this film’s lazy rehashing of a previous Bond adventure by re-naming it “You Only Live Thrice”!

The Man with the Golden Gun - “The Nipple Dispenser”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we ponder the confluence of factors that has brought together the unholy trinity of Roger Moore, Guy Hamilton, and JW Pepper. Thankfully this mess is saved by Christopher Lee’s superb Scaramanga. Join us as we jump on his junk to journey through a melange of Asian cultures in The Man with the Golden Gun.

* The pre-titles sequence provides an opportunity to push through a long list of poorly-thought-through puns. The comedy turns to horror when the titles sequence credits mention the Hamilton/Pepper combination.

* Bond teaches the viewer much more than they could possibly need to know about Scaramanga, before once again abusing the far-too-generous leave allowances at MI6.

* Now that Bond is off the clock, his first stop is a Middle-Eastern strip club. His much-less-glamorous second stop involves some Middle-Eastern laxatives.

* Once that is out of his system, Bond makes his way to Macau to play some Travel Trouble at the casino.

* In Hong Kong, Bond demonstrates how easy it is to break into any old hotel room you want. Then we learn the classy way to assault a lady is to offer her some post-traumatic champagne.

* Bond narrowly avoids death at the Bottoms Up Club, before being whisked away to M’s crooked office aboard a shipwreck.

* Bond leaves Hip to meet Hi Fat and Chew Mee - as Guy Hamilton does his best to cram in every cultural convention from the entire continent of Asian nations, including a completely unnecessary scene at a karate school.

* Speaking of completely unnecessary parts of this film, once again a boat chase leads to us meeting up with Sheriff JW Pepper… Ugh.

* Bond turns Goodnight into a pile of pillows, before forcing her to listen as he and Andrea come together.

* Bond and Scaramanga finally meet at Thai kickboxing, which leads to one of the coolest Bond stunts (backed by the least-cool sound: a slide-whistle) before Scaramanga’s car flies away with Goodnight in the trunk.

* Bond flies to Scaramanga’s island lair with three goals: rescue Goodnight, recover the Solex, and defeat Scaramanga. We applaud the film’s location scouts, we hypothesise that Scaramanga is a “dark side” version of Bond, and we consider the irony of Bond’s demise being potentially triggered by a bikini-clad bottom.

* We finish on some junk - Bond packs one last assassin into a suitcase, before M mystifyingly calls Scaramanga’s direct line.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #9: Guy Hamilton is not a skilled director. Matt has been pushing this barrow for almost the whole run of podcasts, and it would seem he has finally beaten the rest of SPECTRE Etc into submission. Formerly, Matt has railed against Hamilton speeding up footage unnecessarily, adding scenes that contribute nothing to the plot, and showing a lack of depth perception on the greenscreen. This film’s jarring mashup of menacing thriller and schoolboy farce is the last straw!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to force the Bottoms Up barmaid responsibilities to be limited to nothing more than cracking cans of beer!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

After winning a couple of WITs since Connery left, Col bounces back by rattling off a series of excellent impersonations. Col masterfully mimics Goodnight, that little boy, and even Mrs Pepper… But then Col’s impersonation of Roger Moore negotiating has Col crashing back to Earth. Unfortunately Roger is going to be with us for a while - Col will have to stick to the co-stars!

Live and Let Die - “Double-0ntendres”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we warmly welcome a British icon to the Bond franchise. But enough about Paul McCartney, let’s meet Roger Moore - our third James Bond in three films. Join us for our voyage into voodoo as we jump the crocodile and explore why Moore is less.

* The pre-titles sequence is a pre-Roger sequence, so it is good fun for all concerned. Paul McCartney’s classic song completes what is a very exciting introduction to this film.

* The producers seem to have learnt from the way they shoved Lazenby’s casting down our throat, and Moore’s introduction is nicely underplayed. Unfortunately the coffee-making scene is terribly overplayed.

* Bond takes us on a woefully inaccurate tour of New York City (Don’t get on the FDR!) and then the Pimpmobile to Harlem. Before Bond buys a 70 cent cheeseburger, he is captured - allowing him to wander around a Rec Room and meet Solitaire and Tee-Hee (the one-and-a-half-armed man).

* After a brief meeting with Mr Big, Bond escapes and follows Kananga to the Caribbean. At the resort, Bond meets Mrs. Bond - a fairly useless agent whose only real achievement is that she held that particular title longer than anyone else has managed (sorry, Contessa Teresa).

* Quarrel Jr makes a confusing appearance and helps Bond break into Kananga’s house - allowing James to very creepily manipulate Solitaire into giving up her virginity, and therefore her magical powers. Bond, however, hangs on to his magical powers, and turns a double-decker bus into a single-decker bus.

* Back on the mainland, Bond foolishly returns to the Fillet of Soul - where he is again captured. We learn that Mr Big and Kananga are the same person, and this person sends Bond to “The Farm” for a very cool stunt - the crocodile jump!

* As if a ten-minute boat chase isn’t doing enough to weaken the film, the completely-out-of-context JW Pepper is introduced to completely ruin the viewing experience.

* We return to Kananga’s island - where the voodoo show stretches credibility before all that business with the gas pellet does away with the idea of believability altogether.

* The film ends on a train, where Bond disarms Tee-Hee, but doesn’t notice Baron Samedhi on the cow-catcher!

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #8: Time stops for no man, but it seems to stop for Bond. Yet again, Bond is on a time-sensitive mission to save the world - and yet again, he has time to pause mid-mission to woo the ladies! Scuba sex with Domino, hillside hugs with Kissy, and now a passionate picnic with Rosie… Get back to work James!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to crown Sheriff JW Pepper as the most annoying character in the entire Bondiverse!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

Col manages to throw in his JW Pepper (a good ol’ boy from The South) when trying to impersonate a Harlem cab driver - two characters from VERY different worlds. Now that Connery has left, Col needs to expand his impersonation game!