Spectre Etc

Diamonds are Forever - “Guy Hamilton Magic”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we welcome Sean Connery back to the title role as he takes his chances in Las Vegas.

* The pre-titles sequence shows Sean beating up people around the world before finally coming face to face with Blofeld (who looks frustratingly similar to a Bond ally from an earlier film). Bond disarms Blofeld’s highly-trained security detail and drowns #1 in a big bath of number two.

* The titles music is sleepy, but the lyrics are suggestive! Then the movie opens with a probably-still-mourning Bond visiting MI6, as his co-workers show very little sympathy.

* Our deconstruction of the relationship between Wint & Kidd leads to the obligatory Back to the Future reference. After this, Moneypenny’s hypothetical backstory is debated before we catch a hovercraft to Holland. This new location gives Cam the chance to crowbar in an Anne Frank joke or two.

* Once we determine the different avenues through which one could get a load of diamonds into a stomach, we are blessed with some real Guy Hamilton GangstersTM. A cremating coffin comes close to killing Bond, but fake diamonds let him off the hook.

* We see Plenty O’Toole land in the Whyte House pool, before director Guy Hamilton wastes 10 minutes of our time at Circus Circus and then baffles us by killing O’Toole in yet another pool. Blow up your pants, Hamilton!

* Bond breaks into WW Enterprises, gathers information, then escapes into the Nevada desert in a moon buggy. Naturally. Along the way, Cam takes off his doctor hat to don his science goggles - and we all learn something about radiation shields.

* That awful desert chase sequence leads to a pretty cool car chase through the streets of Las Vegas. Unfortunately all the damage caused by Bond’s disregard for the laws of physics leads to him being placed under (Whyte) House arrest.

* Bond scales a wall to distance himself from the fishbowl sofabed. Upon reaching the penthouse, he lands on what may or may not be a wooden toilet. Bond leaves the bathroom to meet two blokes who are both Blofeld! James kicks the wrong cat, and that is that.

* Ordered to kill Bond, Wint & Kidd leave James in a pipeline buried in the desert. Bond escapes with ease, and returns to Vegas. Blofeld is fooled into revealing the whereabouts of the real Willard Whyte, and James joins the CIA on the rescue mission.

* Tiffany (somehow) spots Blofeld in drag, so ends up on his oilrig. From this rig, Blofeld can control his Space Laser - though his delegation of tasks among his henchmen could be smarter. Meanwhile, Bond has arrived to save the day as Tiffany descends into dimwittedness.

* Bond takes Tiffany on a cruise ship to celebrate, but Wint & Kidd are onboard! Thankfully, they are no longer incredibly skilled and effective assassins, so Bond is able to send them overboard pretty easily.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #7: SPECTRE has no retirement package? This was first suggested by the old lady working the tollbooth in Goldfinger, and is confirmed by the old lady smuggling diamonds in this film. If you manage to survive working for SPECTRE long enough to reach old age, they sure aren’t about to put you out to pasture. Blofeld will find something for you to do!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to replace all ferries with hovercrafts!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

Excited by Sean’s return, Benso forgets he has yet to do an even-nearly-acceptable Connery impersonation. So he winds up with what we are promised will be a “thick Scottish” accent, but then delivers a pretty broad Aussie inflection on every vowel. Better luck next time, Benso!

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On Her Majesty’s Secret Service - “Licence to Kilt”

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, it is “Sayonara Sean!” as the only Bond we’ve ever known is re-cast. George Lazenby is not the only new thing about this Bond - our cold-hearted spy now has all sorts of feelings! Join our journey on George’s emotional rollercoaster in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”.

* The pre-titles sequence (slowly) reveals a new Bond smashing through the fourth wall. Then the titles sequence (subtly) works to ensure we know that - even without Connery - this is still a Bond film.

* Draco’s henchmen (or are they matchmakers?) do their best to help Bond and Tracy come together.

* We are heartened by Bond finally asking Moneypenny on an actual date, before we are dismayed by his little tantrum. But Bond brings us back onboard by falling in love with Tracy using the magic of montage!

* Bond’s new safecracker seems a step backward from the previous film, but DOES allow him time to check Playboy’s new direction.

* Bond arrives in Switzerland - undercover as Hillary Bray - and jumps in Irma’s sleigh. At Piz Gloria he sees many beautiful “clients” of the “allergy institute” before he and Blofeld meet! For the first time? It seems that way. But why is that?

* Bond’s alter-ego Hilly is having a great time with the ladies, but our thoughts are with poor Tracy waiting at home for her lover to return.

* Bond is caught by Blofeld and stuffed into the cable-car gears room. Bond escapes this not-really-a-prison in what is so very nearly a great scene.

* Bond heads off down the hill, incognito in powder-blue leggings. Just when all seems lost, he is saved by Tracy. This involves the grand Swiss traditions of a demolition derby on ice, and proposing marriage in a barn.

* Bond again has to ski for safety, but Blofeld triggers an avalanche and captures Tracy. MI6 are no help, so Bond asks “Father of the Year” Draco to help him mount a rescue attempt. Draco saves his daughter by punching her in the face, while Blofeld battles Bond in bobsleds before branching off.

* A odd bunch of people gather for Bond’s wedding, before Bond opens his honeymoon with some light deflowering action.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #5: Connery can’t play romance We recite Connery’s entire acting resume (as we know it) and reach the obvious conclusion - as good an actor as Sean is, he does not take romantic roles. Harrison Ford, Nicholas Cage, a submarine… Connery avoids female co-stars!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Lazenby’s hometown of Goulburn honour the great man by erecting a “Big George” right there with the Big Merino.

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

About two hours in, Col is concerned about Draco and M having a casual chat at the wedding. The rest of us are concerned about Col attempting a “Godfather” accent that comes out closer to bronchitis than Brando...

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You Only Live Twice - “Two-Ply Walls”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we watch as Bond says goodbye to the Bahamas of “Thunderball” and konichiwa to Japan as Roald Dahl’s screenplay for “You Only Live Twice” opens the door for so very many racist undertones. And overtones.

* The pre-titles sequence takes place in outer space with reasonable special effects. This has us cautiously (foolishly, as it turns out) optimistic for the blue-screening ahead of us.

* We have had enough of the Bond franchise trying to fool us with yet another “Is Bond dead?” sequence. When Bond’s corpse is reanimated and returned to dry land, he heads to a sumo match and tells the first girl he sees that he loves her.

* Bond visits Henderson, but our focus is on the real-world practicality of paper walls. How would you hang art on those walls? Or stick up posters? Or maintain a prison system?

* Col enjoys the way Bond breaks into a safe, though not probably as much as he enjoys realising that 20 years ago he was close to this filming location.

* Bond meets Tiger Tanaka, who divides opinion. Cam is happy to be startled by Tanaka’s secret sorting slide, but Matt thinks this sort of thing is beyond the pale. Meanwhile, Tanaka’s personal train has us all wondering how things would be if everyone had their own train. The bath-house that innuendo built, which is full of Tanaka’s sexiful possessions, turns us into giggling schoolboys.

* Bond is checked for weapons at Osato Chemicals, teaching us all a lot about how x-rays work. And then we are off to the docks! Bond is taken captive (briefly) before escaping from the plane he was left sitting in.

* Little Nellie joins the team, which leads us to a volcano lair, which leads us to Blofeld! Just when we are getting all excited about Bond getting into the volcano lair, we are forced to sit through 20 wasted minutes of Bond becoming “a Japanese”.

* Finally, the film snaps back into action with Bond taking his pig-faced bride to explore Blofeld’s volcano lair! Cam considers finally seeing the face of this supervillain to be the “Blofeld money shot” he has been waiting for.

* During the film’s big climax, we get stuck on what seems like an odd criticism for a film - there are just too many cameras. Yet again, Bond finishes his adventure in a boat with a girl - this time though, we get to see Moneypenny cockblocking Bond!

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #5: SPECTRE is the industry leader. Benso has been pushing this idea for a few episodes now, and finally Col is convinced. Whether it is using live humans in their weapon-testing facilities, or issuing agents with cyanide pills, or even leaving enemy combatants in escapable situations; you can be sure that SPECTRE did it first, and MI6 later followed.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to solve road-based traffic jams by giving everyone their own train!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

Col does a pretty reliable Connery, and a reasonable Japanese accent, but once Bond “becomes a Japanese”, Col has to combine these accents to have a Scottish inflection on “Arigato” - this just seems a bridge too far for his impressive impersonating skills!

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Thunderball - “A Fleshy Mechanism”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. This week, we follow the fun of “Goldfinger” with a Caribbean Crusade as James attempts to dominate Domino while finding Largo’s cargo in “Thunderball”.

* Viewer Fatigue sets in with yet another “Is Bond dead” pre-titles sequence, before we decide that Jones ain’t no Bassey.

* Matt gushes about the design of SPECTRE’s meeting room.

* Bond’s bath-house battle with Lippe is bookended by a bad back-and-forth between Bond and his physio.

* We are generally impressed by Largo’s plan to steal the atomic weapons.

* Our look at the MI6 meeting room affirms SPECTRE’s status as the Industry Leader.

* We follow James to Nassau, where Ryan marvels at Bond’s impressive effort at the casino, before revealing Connery’s flawed Shark-Safety System..

* Off to Junkanoo (“The Festival of the Pissing Dog”) for a mystifying escape by Bond.

* James and Domino engage in scuba sex session, before Bond’s victory over Vargas.

* We do our best to push through what must be the longest underwater fight sequence ever recorded.

* Bond saves the day - refusing to let the world’s worst bluescreening get in his way - before being skyhooked to safety!

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #4: Pants on? Research. No pants? Not research. A very important in-house rule is set in stone when Cam declares that anything done online while pantsless is not able to be counted as research. Bad news for Col; good news for Ryan!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to get those jetpacks onto Amazon!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

While he was not technically impersonating a character, Col’s attempt to “hum” the way the title song uses elements of the Bond theme was definitely this episode’s worthy WIT winner! Col may do a pretty good Connery, but it appears he should stay away from impersonating musical instruments.

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Goldfinger - “Scooby-Doo Style”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. This week we continue the fun we had watching “From Russia with Love” by joining James for a roll in Auric’s hayshed in the third 007 outing: “Goldfinger”.

We follow Bond’s journey from the Fountainebleau in Miami - where he sends Dink on her way with an Oscar-winning slap - back to London for his meeting with Goldfinger at the golf course. And then we are off to Europe, where Bond shreds up Tilly’s undercarriage before doubling his contribution to the Masterson family’s grief. Next, we see Bond’s undercarriage get a little close to being shredded by Goldfinger’s laser, before we fly to the US (justifying MI6 spending all that time and money on the American parking meters) to meet Pussy Galore. The actors who play Auric’s gangster buddies give us all a lesson in subtlety and nuance, and then we break into Fort Knox to irradiate some gold.

Along the way, we wonder why MI6 can’t afford to make ALL windows on the DB5 bulletproof, we list Bond’s many electrical one-liners he could (should?) have used, we compare this film to both Scooby Doo and The Simpsons, and we spend far longer than you’d think possible on seagull snorkels.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #3: To determine who is responsible for an explosion, simply look for the man wearing a tuxedo, the one not joining the screaming masses leaving the building.

We note that this is the second time Bond sets off a bomb in a public place, and then just calmy swans about in his tuxedo, ignoring the crowd of people rushing from the site of the explosion. We here at SPECTRE Etc will let the appropriate authorities know, saving them hours of investigating.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have SPECTRE recognised as an industry leader!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

Ryan has blown the competition away by somehow - as correctly pointed out by Matt - confusing the suave Scottish spy James Bond with that mid-90s sex pest The Mask. Is there no limit to how badly Ryan can impersonate Connery? Somebody stop him!

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Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast

Email: [email protected]

From Russia with Love - “One-Way Window”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. This week we follow up the overwhelming success of our Dr. No podcast with a hilarious ride through Bond’s second film: From Russia with Love.

After exploring possible explanations for that baffling pre-titles sequence (Why does that henchman need to wear a mask? Could the audience even see anything in the dark?), we meet Bond - who is with a girl in a little boat. Then we follow the circular journey our hero takes to wind up with a different girl, in a different little boat.

Along the way, we query who is running the finances over there at SPECTRE, we diplomatically discuss the authenticity of the film’s representation of gypsy culture, we complain about climaxing too early, and we spend far longer than you’d think possible on talcum powder.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #2: We will never produce a list where we rank Bond women.

Despite Cameron “often thinking about” creating a “hypothetical” list - that he would never actually create in the real world - it is stated very firmly that this is a slippery slope down which we will not slide.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Rosa Klebb officially listed as a Bond Girl!

Worst Impersonation Trophy:

Matt shows the world why he is usually so reluctant to try his hand at impersonating foreign accents (we thought it was cultural sensitivity that keeps him so restrained) with an attempt at Rosa Klebb’s mother tongue that is very hard to listen to. Was it from eastern Pakistan, or was it closer to northern Europe? Whatever it was, it was the very worthy winner of this episode’s WIT.

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Facebook: facebook.com/SPECTREetcpodcast/

Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast

Email: [email protected]

Dr. No - “Hardcore Innuendo”

Summary:

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. Of course, our opening episode revolves around Dr. No - Bond’s cinematic premiere.

We follow Bond from winning big at baccarat, to the greengrocers up that mountain. Once Bond is finished with Taro, he is off for adventures with the Crab Key dragon, which leads to the tragedy of his boat running out of fuel (How will he fill that tank?) in the middle of the Caribbean.

We question the veracity of Puss Feller’s reputation as an alligator wrestler, we reverse engineer Dr. No’s dragon tank, we critique Bond’s inability to use sleight-of-hand to palm something from a table on the quiet, and we spend far longer than necessary on Connery’s hairpiece.

History is made when we state the first Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT): Bond is sterile. The radioactivity of Crab Key, combined with the ineffectiveness of the conveyor-belt shower, has rendered Bond unable to procreate. While this does mean the end of the Bond name (except for his nephew - James Bond, Jr.) for all time, it does allow our hero a free pass to fall for all the Honeypots SPECTRE can throw at him.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to rename Crab Key to what it SHOULD be known as: Dragon Key.

Contact Us:

Facebook: facebook.com/SPECTREetcpodcast/

Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast

Email: [email protected]