So, my friends, in this episode I will be speaking about what many people refer to as the actual fifth step. As a reminder, the fifth step is, I admitted to God, to myself, and another human being, the exact nature of my wrongs. Of course, of the 12 steps in this podcast I use my version. I use the original version of the 12 steps from the first edition of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. That version in itself is slightly different and the version we see on the meeting walls today. In addition, when I adapt that version I change the pronouns to personal pronouns, which seems to work better for me. As a reminder, I no longer am a member of any 12 step group, so to use the word “we” would be inappropriate.

I believe at first, as I did, most of us gloss over the first two parts of the fifth step. My main thought about the whole step was, “Oh my God, you mean I have to tell someone else about the things I did?”.

Well, my hope for you now is that you received much strength from the second step, and realize that the power of God will see you through all of the steps. After all, we have already been through the act of speaking to God about our fourth step and have looked at ourselves in a mirror of sorts, going over these “adventures” in our own mind. All that is left now is to speak with another person. This part of the fifth step can be very enlightening and cleansing. Telling someone else about our shortcomings and character defects is like a sort of confession, but we are not seeking forgiveness. Not only was forgiveness granted as soon as we said our holy yes as a result of the third step, but we then realized it was never necessary at all.

I cannot urge you enough to spend whatever time is necessary in order to find that person with whom you would like to share your fourth step. That person could be someone you have watched in your program. They may have some time under their belt, as well as being a person who “walks the talk”, so to speak. It may be, as in my case, a priest, or minister, or some other religious figure. I did this because of my many years as a Catholic and because, quite honestly I really did not have many people in the way our friends. There is also the fact that a priest will not divulge to another person anything that I say in the form of confession. This is usually the case, not only with priests, but also psychiatrists, psychologists, attorneys, and usually counselor/therapists.

I cannot emphasize enough, the importance of finding the correct person for you with whom to do your fifth step. I have heard stories from folks that participate in 12-step recovery programs, who’s supposedly confidential fifth step was somehow leaked to others. Please be careful.

So, in part three of the fifth step I want to talk about the second entity that is mentioned in the step. Who or what is this entity that we need to confide in. Well, it’s an entity that we have not found ourselves (usually) in which to willingly confide  in the past. It always seemed to me, when I looked in the mirror, that this was the last person in the world that I wanted to be honest with. Why would I change that now? The first three steps, is the answer!

You see, when I looked in the mirror before, I was alone. Now, I firmly believed what the first three steps told me. Number one, my life with certainly unmanageable. Number two I really and truly believed that I was certainly insane and that there was a power I could turn to to direct me in my effort to become sane.

(I realized this condition of insanity when my is an honest fourth step.)

And third, I had said yes, with all the earnestness at my command, and decided, in short, to allow God to influence (as best I can) the decisions I make as a human being.

So, now I could talk to myself, and look at myself in the mirror, and see a person that really is loved by God and has the potential to demonstrate the changes in myself.

It certainly did help for me to look in that mirror, or at myself, and rehash the fourth step as a reminder of the forgiveness of God and not only the changes that were happening, but also the newfound love I was developing for myself.

This most certainly is an important part of this fifth step.

So, what I would like to do in this episode, is to speak a little about the first entity that is mentioned in this step, God. As a reminder, this step is, admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. (You’ll find the wording a little bit different in the literature but just as a reminder, this is my version, that works well for me.)

Now, you may wonder, as I did, why it is necessary to admit anything to God. After all, doesn’t he know everything anyway? Well, it’s not like I’m letting God is on something he doesn’t already know. When I finally did the steps in earnest, and incomplete honesty, it seemed to me like an assurance that I had formed the respondent with God.

So it wasn’t that He didn’t know, more like I was cementing that He knows all about me, and that as soon as I said “yes” to God and my Holy Spirit, I knew that there was complete forgiveness for any possible guilt I felt in my soul.

Ultimately, it was good for me to renew and strengthen this relationship with God.

I had read this step many, many, times before. All the times I was very much involved in the 12 step program, I tended to focus on just a few of the steps. I focused on the first step because I, well, was in a detox center, or halfway house or recovery program of some sort. It was difficult to look at myself as anything but unmanageable. I focused on the fourth step because I could make myself look like I was trying to work the program and depending on how I wrote fourth step, I could actually look good. After that I zoomed to the 10th step, and told everyone how I was continuing to take a look at myself. Oh, brother! Mea culpa, mea culpa! Me and my Spirit were one! Ha! That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Of course, when I worked as a counselor/therapist, I showed people how to prepare for, and do the fifth step. Some folks would do the fifth step with me. I would help them as best I could because I was good at giving advice but not so good at taking it. It would be a while before I could even begin to find humility and truly surrender to God by saying the Almighty “yes”. 

For this episode I will finish up on the fourth step by trying to remember exactly how I performed it. For me, although I made the lengthy list, it wasn’t so much about the things I did, but more so about the feelings I was having during my drinking days and especially the feelings I developed before I started to drink.

This was very important for me because I was truly starting to become in touch with my own feelings and not those that I believe that others would want to hear. I can’t possibly explain to you the feeling I had after doing the third step. In short, I felt powerful. I truly felt like God was on my side and that I would be able to honestly look at myself, my character defects and shortcomings, in such a way that they would be useful in my ongoing quest for Spirit. And, let’s face it, that is what this is all about for me, forming a true relationship with my Spirit. All of the books I have written, this podcast, my experience in the 12 step program,, my relationships with people, and my life itself, have all been about strengthening my relationship with my Spirit.

Well, my friends, this is of course the continuation of step number four.

I really don’t have much of a description for this episode. The main thing I want to get across to you is my belief that this being a God-given program. I know that because each step seems to flow so naturally from the previous step and God seems to give us His power so that we can plod on to the next step.

This is the first of the action steps. There call that because, after the first three steps we are finally required to do something, something that is physical. Hope you enjoy the episode.

Again, I am sorry for the sketchiness in the microphone. I hope to have it repaired by the next episode. Also, at the end of this episode I think I led you to believe that that would be the last of this step for series. Well, it’s not. There will be one more episode dedicated to the fourth step.

The fourth step is the beginning of the action steps. Let me just mention a quick overview of the sections of the steps. I don’t remember reading anywhere what the first three steps are generally called. I have decided to call them the Grace steps because I believe that it is through God’s grace that leads us to them and helps us through them.

The fourth through the ninth steps are generally considered to be the “action” steps. I/we use them to identify, explain, ask forgiveness for, and try to make great things in our past. We refer to these things as shortcomings and character defects and they could range from thinking ill of a person, all the way to murder. Even when I became absolutely serious about this program, I was still unable to discover all of these character defects within me. Many of them are still within what I call, my dungeon. Every once in a while I find or discover another to work on and try to eliminate.

The next three steps, steps 10, 11, and 12, are considered the “maintenance” steps. It is by utilizing these three steps that we are able to keep a check on ourselves, stay in contact with God, and try to help others as a result of what we have learned about ourselves.

By the time I became deadly serious about this 12 step program, I had written many fort steps. I know now that I wrote them because I knew someone else was going to read them and I wanted to look good. Even if I put things in the fourth step that would be generally considered to be “bad”, I still try to make myself look good in the way I portrayed them. Of course, when I became serious about the steps and more, if you will, honest, I looked at the whole thing differently.

In this episode I will try to explain how I approached the fourth step before I realized its importance.

So, my friends, this may be the only step that in my estimation needs fourth part. For me, this step says it all. It was my opportunity to say the almighty, eternal, “yes” to God. What could possibly be more important in my life.

Since I have taken a step, and said “yes” to God, my life has been (mostly) a spiritual one. The wonderful part is, that by using this beautiful, God-given 12-step program, I always have the chance for correcting my course.

I firmly believe that my “yes”  to God is eternal and your revocable. This connection with God; this surrender to God, is the holy grail of any spiritual practice. Since I have surrendered, thereby achieving victory, perfection still very much eludes me. But with the knowledge of my union with God, I have a new willingness and urgency to raise my humanity to a new, spiritually directed course of action.

Well, now that I’ve gotten God’s attention, not I could get on with the problem of turning things over. After all, my old life was still pulling me fiercely. I believe, for a brief while, I thought I was in a position to negotiate with God.  I realize now how difficult it was for me to surrender my old way of life. It was like, I could go along with leaving the spiritual stuff to God, but I will continue to handle the day-to-day “living” stuff.

Believe me, my friends, when I think of my attitude in those early days, I truly wonder how I made it at all!

As I alluded to in the previous three description, I knew I had a thread, or spark, if you will, somewhere deep inside of me. Even though my life was almost totally negative, I seem to always carry that “idea” of God with me. Now it was time for what I call, the big conversation with God. I had no idea how, or where, to begin.

This wonderful and glorious spiritual awakening

Took Pl. in Lewiston, Maine. Of course, at the time, I didn’t realize it a was a glorious and/or wonderful experience. One day, however, I found myself kneeling in a beautiful, magnificent, cathedral close by. I wondered why there was such a huge church in a smallish town like Auburn, Maine. It seemed to me, at that time, that it was important there was no one around. Even though I planned on a silent conversation with God, I was sure there was people around, they would hear me.