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In this fourth part of my discussion about step number 12, I would like to focus on the phrase “to others”. As a reminder step number 12:

Having had a spiritual experience as a result of this course of action, we try to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

For the moment, if you happen to be in an open meeting, and do not suffer from a problem with alcohol, I would like to forget the phrase in the 12 step, to alcoholics.

New strips were originally written by Bill W., 12th step said, “to others”. I believe that God, when he ensured his steps would reach the ears of ordinary people, meant for them to reach the ears of all people. Much of these 12 steps was taken directly from the words and ideas of the Oxford Group. And, the Oxford Group, (although they were primarily concerned with the Christian faith), would never have differentiated amongst alcoholics, over users, substance abusers, etc. All would have been welcomed. All would have had the same goal which, in simple terms, which have been to get right with God.

However, when Bill Wilson broke from the Oxford Group, he did it because he knew alcoholics. He knew that a particular religion, or even some religious thinking, could not be forced upon, nor accepted by, alcoholics. So he decided, in this case, to go the easier, softer way. He wanted the alcoholic to not feel pressure in any particular discipline. He hoped that they would be concerned mostly with the 12-Step program, and include God, (whatever they conceived God to be), in their program. I’m sure that many of the other 12-step members felt the same way. Hence, this change in the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 steps from “others” to “alcoholics”.

So, if you have problems in any area of your life other than or even including, alcohol, I urge you to ignore the word alcoholics in the current 12 steps and remember that the original 12 step said “others”. This means everyone, and that to the 12 step program applies to, everyone!

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In part number three of this 12th step, I will be speaking about the phrase “carry the message”. In order to help some of you, here is the 12th step in its entirety:

Having had a spiritual experience as a result of this course of action, we try to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I am truly sorry to be so repetitive, but it seems I want to tell you why I am using this version of the 12 steps. I use, for the purposes of all my writing about the straps in the 12-step program, the version of the steps that was published in the first edition of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I do not use it only because, as far as I know, it is copyright free, but because I really like and agree with this version of the steps.

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So, many folks in the program, especially those we refer to as “old-timers”, will lead you to believe that carrying the message is what the 12 step program is all about. I am here to tell you that in my estimation that is not true at all. The purpose of the 12 step program, as I believe it was given to us through the influence of God, is for each of us to discover a new way of life; a way of life that has God as its center. It is my personal belief that this program revolves around the third, versus the 12 steps.

This The 12th step, and all it entails, especially carrying the message is here for two reasons. The first case is to keep ourselves in check, and to make sure we are living this new way of life. The second is equally important and that those who have come before us and realized that one of the best ways of living this new way of life is to share what we have gained from it with others. 

Carrying the message is not the main activity of those who are involved in a 12-step program, but it is seriously necessary to preserve that spiritual knowledge that we have gained. It is also strongly suggested in order to keep what we have gained from the program by sharing this knowledge with others.

What is the message, you may ask? Well, it is sharing these 12 steps with others while letting them know that by turning to their Higher Power, they can repair the wreckage of their past and embark on a new way of life.

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Who is it that shares this way of life? Part of the answer is given in the 12th step itself. Things like, “having had a spiritual experience as a result of this course of action”, or “trying to, practice these principles in all their affairs,”, are certainly good indications that one is ready to carry the message. I personally believe that those who were considered “changed” In the Old Oxford Group, were a good example of those who may be ready to “carry the message”. Remember however, those who do carry the message do so effectively because of that which has come into their hearts, not their heads.

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In this episode I will be speaking about one of my favorite steps. I have been doing step 12 for many years, first as I was a part of the 12 step program, and now just about all of my 12-step work is done via my podcast and my writing. It is certainly not quite as fulfilling as “going out in the field”, so to speak, I’m actually sharing my experience, strength and hope with a fellow sufferer.

–In this episode I would like to speak about the first part of this 12th step. First, let me remind you about what the 12th step is please remember that the step I am quoting here is from the original edition of what is commonly called the Big Book. It is the first edition of the book titled, Alcoholics Anonymous.

The original 12 steps were a bit different than those that you see on the walls of the meeting rooms today. Personally, I like to original of the 12 steps. There are actually three changes to this 12th step. The first change that we will be dealing with in this episode, is the change of the phrase spiritual experience, to spiritual awakening.

I have also personalized the 12 steps in my version. The original producers of the 12-steps were explaining what they did to stay sober. So there steps contain the pronouns we, and us. I have changed the pronouns to the first person, i.e. I, me, and my. Section just that by doing this, the f program seems more personal to me. So, the first step is:

“Having had a spiritual experience as a result of this course of action, I try to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all my affairs.”

The underlined parts are those that I would like to discuss the parts of this step. As you can see, I really have a lot to speak about concerning this 12th step. As a matter of fact, this step will have more parts than any of the other step episodes. At this point in time, I believe there will be six parts. This first part I am going to use just as a sort of precursor. I would like to explain the importance of the 12th step, as well as his origin in the Oxford Group. I hope you will find interesting.

I’ve spoken extensively on the influences that the Oxford group had on the 12-steps I really haven’t said much about the influence that the Oxford group had on the 12th step. If you were a member of the Oxford group, you needed to be changed before giving witness to the events that happened in your life. When comparing this to the 12 step program, this would mean that a person would have to come complete all of the steps, up to and including step number nine, before they could be allowed to witness about their experiences.

I realize that there are no rigid rules or mandates in the 12-step programs, but, being human, I often wish that persons in the 12- step programs could somehow be screened before making twelve-step calls. As you know, from hearing these podcasts, that I am absolutely certain that these 12 steps have been given to us from God, (in some way) and that we need to surrender our physical selves to God as part of our recovery.

These are some of the things that I will be speaking about in this episode. I believe two things about this episode. 1 it is important to understand the origins of our 12 steps. 2. This is a spiritual program given to us through God.

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As a reminder, step 11 is:

I sought through prayer and meditation to improve my contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. Well that was quick

So, today I want to talk about the part of the 11th step that I’ve underlined. The first part of this step is about using prayer and/or meditation in order to dis cover what God’s will is for us. I mentioned, in the first part of this step, that over the years in which I’ve been taking these steps as a way of life, my prayer is not active, so to speak, but more of an act of listening. In this framework, I have learned that setting a specific time for my prayer is not necessary. The relationship that I have with God is both ongoing and constant. I don’t know how many times I connect my thought of God’s will in my day-to-day life. (Maybe I should have a clicker in my pocket and use it every time I think of God during the day.) Oh well, I would probably forget at the time.

I do, however, talk to and listen for God quite a bit. As I said before, most of my talking to God is not what we would call traditional prayer. It is 99.9% thanking God for something or another that I realize God gave me the power to do. This is where the part of the 11th step comes in, the power to carry that out. Exactly where do we get this power from? Usually unbeknown to us, we have never been without this power. Fortunately, I am reminded of this power that is given to me by God in the 2nd step. This is: I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Notice it doesn’t say I’ll get this power after I do “X” amount of steps, nor does it say after the “X” step. It doesn’t say those things because each and every one of us has had the power available to us forever. It is not a question of getting the power. What I needed to do was to become aware of the power.

Once again, this step is not say that we should ask God to give us the power. The step asks us to remember that we have this knowledge of all of the gifts that God has given us. The problem is that I humanity is so strong that it overrides or overshadows these gifts. We think that our humanity is the most important thing that we have to work with. This is wrong. The most important thing I have to work with is my spirit and the fact that God dwells within me, within you, yes, within everyone.

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Today I would like to talk about step 11, and what I would call the second part. What I consider to be the second part is: praying only for knowledge of His will for us. Next episode we will deal with part three which is, you guessed it, the power to carry that out.

So, last week I pretty much told you about my praying habits. I told you that my praying really has nothing to do with speaking to God. For me this is pretty much a misnomer because the word “praying” I think, indicates a back and forth conversation. I don’t have that. I really try to keep my mouth shut when I am in a prayer mode and listen for what my spirit/God has to say to me. I really want you to know that I don’t “hear” anything. I know there are people out there who seem to be a channel for God or Jesus, or what have you, but I am not one of them. My prayer to God is one of listening. I feel as though any response that I get as a result of this prayer is one that is intuitive. As I have often said, I believe that God is within myself as well as within everyone else.

When I say everyone else I mean mostly four categories of people. There are those who say they absolutely do not believe there is a “God”. These are of course the atheists. The next group I would refer to as those who are unsure and cannot seem to make a definite decision as to whether God exists or not. These people we refer to as agnostics. The third group, (which I believe is the largest of the four groups), are those referred to as believers. I do not feel it matters what religion or denomination these people are in. The thing is that they mostly seem to worship a God that is outside of themselves. Granted, there are some non-dualistic folks who, of course, she God as one substance or to those of us in the fourth group one thing of which they are part. These folks are actually close (in a way), to those of us in the fourth group. The fourth group are folks who believe in a God that is a very personal God, one that is sensed as being an inch frantic part of oneself. I believe this fourth group to be the smallest of the groups, probably composed of 2% to 4% of our population. These are people who have decided to turn their lives over to God. They realize that, ultimately, their existence is one that is at the pleasure of God, as well as our correct use of His gift to us of free wil. L.

We are those who choose to listen for God’s direction in our lives. We are not perfect! However, we strive for spiritual perfection. For me, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for me, means listening for inspiration from God. It means to follow God’s direction now, every second, every hour, and every year, until we passed from this earth, and beyond. I further believe that once I have said the eternal, wonderful “yes” to God, I am Hers/His forever. I will not be a creature that offends God. I will be a creature that belongs to God in every sense of the word. My humanity will necessarily keep me from being perfect. However, I will try my best to avoid allowing my humanity to have its way.

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As a reminder, this step 11:

I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for me on the power to carry that out.

I guess I have had my ups and downs with this step. In my early days, when I was really using this program, prayer was a rote thing. When I praise, (if I even praise at all), I did just small child thing where I knelt beside my bed, and asked God for lots of good things. I neither had any confidence that I would get them, nor any knowledge that I needed to do my part for their fruition.

This is kind of how I learned to pray when I was a child growing up Catholic. It was a whole new experience from that which I have now. I would get on my knees, (you always got on your knees back then, in order to show I was humble and beneath God), clasped my hands, at first in the traditional way with my fingers pointing straight up, but later with my fingers entwined. Back then I would also look up to the ceiling, because that’s where God lived. In those days, even when I read some spiritual books, God seem to be always outside of ourselves. God seem to be at a place, such as in the tabernacle of the church, or somewhere beyond the clouds and we would only meet Him/Her when we die. I would usually pray those things that I wanted terribly, such as a new pair of skates or to pass a test, (without having to study for it of, course). At times, I would pray magnanimously for world peace for that God would intervene to help someone I knew. I feel now, that those prayers were never answered. If they did seem to be answered in some way, I feel now that it was a coincidence.

These days, since I’ve seen the light, (wow, I’ve always wanted to say that phrase), and the praying that I do is nothing like that pictured above. I have learned that God or my Spirit are not out there. They are within me. They are with me always, and I am now with them. I have known for quite some time now, but God is not “live” in those other places, such as a tabernacle, and holy or special churches, Or up above in His home in the sky.

I have also learned a different form of prayer. Generally, I say nothing whatsoever to God. What could I possibly ask for that I don’t know God will take care of in his own time. Most of what I used to ask for would have been material things. I really don’t believe that God is interested in our material lives. We have been given free will, or free choice, and God allows things to play out as they will, or from the choices we make.

My entire prayer life now consists of listening. I do not need to have my hands clasped, or to be kneeling. I need not say anything to God, other than the words “thank you”. Put in a single thing that could be happening in my life, God certainly knows best how to deal with it. Since the third step, when I decided to surrender to God, to give to Him what he already owned anyway, I have been happy and confident in my prayer.

You might wonder what it is I hear when I pray in this manner. Well, generally speaking, I don’t physically hear anything. Sometimes, there seems to be no results at all. At other times what I “hear” is more in the form of an intuition. Your next question may be, how do I know that what I intuit is from God or my Spirit? Believe me, there is no doubt. It is the same kind of situation that I have spoken about before, where at the same time I am doing, or about to do, something wrong, I know intuitively what would really be the right thing to do. As it says in the text of the Big Book, God can. I think I’ll let Him.

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In this episode I’ll continue with step number 10 and talk about the second part of that step. As a reminder, this step is:

I continue to take personal inventory and when I was wrong promptly admitted it.

I have underlined today’s subject.

I suppose I would consider this the most difficult part of the step. It’s easy enough for me to sit in my chair at night or on the side of my bed and think about who I might have offended during the day, and especially whether or not I need to make amends to them.

Sometimes I may say something offhanded to one of my friends, but it may be that it’s just him and I standing there. Maybe I’ll say something like, “You are such a goofball”. If I think about this before bedtime I would probably just let it go as something that was said in fun or in jest.

However, I may have said it when the two of us were standing around in conversation with, say, six other friends. In that case I may say to myself in the evening that I would have to check that out with him, and ask him if my saying that caused him discomfort. If it did I would have to apologize immediately.

 Sometimes, of course, my rationality gets into the picture. I may think that I am, in a way, better than him. This may be because I would say to myself that he shouldn’t be so thin-skinned, and realize that he was a perfect human being. Wow! Ain’t I great?! So what I think about the situation really has nothing to do with whether I may have offended someone or not. One thing I cannot do is transfer my moral or theological feelings to him or her. I really think that would be a violation of their space.

Anyway, the biggest aspect of this step, I think, can be summed up in the word awareness. I know I used to go around all day just running my mouth and saying or doing just about whatever I wanted to without any concern for any of those that were in my path. I try not to do that now, and try to remain aware of how I am affecting other people. It is not always easy, but that is why I try to do this step every night. Sometimes it is easier in retrospect, when it is quieter, to realize how I may have affected someone.

 And, as I said I must try to keep my rationalization out of the picture. God, or my Spirit, will let me know what to do, but I will not hear what they are saying if I am allowing myself will and my rationalization to run riot over me.

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In this episode I’ll begin step number 10. As a reminder, step number 10 is:

I continue to take personal inventory and when I was wrong promptly admitted it.

This is a step that I use almost every day as part of my recovery program. I must admit I don’t really think of it anymore. Simply has become part of me and I have no trouble recognizing that little bit of uneasiness when my Spirit is complaining. I don’t know how to describe it other than a feeling that makes me want to examine what I have been doing this day, and mostly, who I have been interacting with. I say who because it is most likely a person I have interacted with that has produced this uneasiness in me.

 As I’m sure I’ve mentioned to you guys before, I am now legally blind, I wear to hearing aids, I have two complete titanium knee replacements and after about four years, they still hurt somewhat. I have also had multiple back operations. What all this means is number one, I can’t drive. Number two, I can only walk a short distance. Sometimes, even walking the length of our apartment, (which is very small), I have to sit down on a chair. So there’s not much 10th step work for me to do regarding places and things, but I still interact with people and I still see times when I am wrong in doing that!

 So, if you have done a good 4th step and 5th step, you can’t help but remember the things that were on there that are apt to give you problems if you do not look out for them. For me, as soon as I see a situation that stimulates an old situation in my mind having to do with people, places, or things, my awareness level seems to shoot way up. As I’ve said before, I have been sober for many years and it has been a long time since I even think of alcohol as anything other than something I occasionally add to a dish I am cooking. However, although I don’t bequeath them with alcohol and the longer, I still have some of my, “getting along with people”, issues to contend with. I know that sometimes I try to be funny and I’m the only one that’s laughing. That is usually an amends red flag. Also, at times I will let my sarcasm get out of hand with someone I am speaking with. Another red flag! So, it’s not that I have to be always watching myself 24/7, but it’s more that my Spirit and I are so comfortable with each other that we freely speak about things that are bothering either one of us. Next time I will speak about what I consider to be the second part of this step that says, “and when we are wrong, promptly admitted it”.

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So, this episode will be about the last part of step nine. As a refresher, number nine is:

I made direct amends to such persons wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This episode is about the last part of step nine (the underlined part).

 This part of the step can either work for us or against us. It is the ideal, perfect place for our rationalization to rear its ugly head. Of course there are a few instances where it would legitimately be not wise to bring up the past. For instance let’s think about one of the usual scenarios that arise in relation to this step. Let’s say that in your drinking or drugging or whatever promiscuous days you had sex with a person that also happened to be a spouse. Let us further assume that the spouse of this person knew nothing about their promiscuity. Would it be a wise choice to approach the spouse and say, I’m trying to clear my conscience, so I want to let you know that I caused your partner to be unfaithful to you. In this case, what’s the point? I can see no benefit from this action other than clearing the mind or the conscience of the person doing the step. It certainly seems that this action would fall under the purview of injuring them or others, and quite possibly, both.

All of these admissions, or confessions if you will, are asked for by this ninth step for two reasons. The first reason is to try to let the other person or persons involved, know why you did what you did, or said what you said. However, this step is not meant to be used as a harmful thing to another person, or to allow you to feel better as a result of your actions.

The second reason for doing this step is to, (hopefully), allow you some relief from the pressure that might linger in the memory of what you have done. For us to feel better as a result of speaking with someone through step nine is pretty much a byproduct of this step. My main reason for talking about this with that person is to let them know that the issue was entirely me.

Now, let me get to the part where it is possible for me to play games, and not do this step correctly. In almost every item on my list, I realized that I could easily become involved with my old friend rationalization. It was relatively easy for me to say something like, “Oh, they wouldn’t want to hear from me. It would only open up old wounds and cause bad feelings all around.” The real reason is not because I wouldn’t want them to feel bad. The real reason is because I did not want to make myself feel bad by admitting any imperfection. This is what my rationalization does. It tries to convince me that I should take the course of action that makes me look the best. And I certainly do not mean in the eyes of the other person involved. I mean that my rationalization is such that it can almost eliminate the other person or the other person’s feelings in deference to not allowing me to feel bad, or to look bad.

In doing my ninth step, I must remember that hopefully, both parties will benefit from my actions. That may not be possible in all situations. In those cases, the ultimate good thing, is for the other party to feel better or understand better why the situation that caused this amends to take place, happened.

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In this episode I will speak about the first part of step number nine:

I made direct amends to such persons wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Now that I’ve made my list, I’m ready to start actually going through the list and seeking out those people to whom I have to make amends. Some of them, maybe even most of them will be relatively easy to find time to approach. They will usually be those who we are closest to in our lives. They will be our partners, our sons or daughters, our in-laws and other relatives. They will also be our friends, our coworkers, and our employers. They will also be those who we deal with on a regular basis, including folks at the grocery store, hairdresser, barber, restaurants, and other service workers. All of the above mentioned folks, although usually easy to locate are not necessarily the easiest with whom to make amends. Our partner may have left and possibly taken our children with them. Maybe there’s a restraining order because they were so afraid of us or just simply tired of the same old, same old!

 So what is our usual modus operandi for dealing with all of these folks. Well, my rule of thumb is to not create a situation where they will feel uncomfortable, just because we have a need to try to clear the air. We must make ourselves available to them, on their terms. If need be, we should tell them ahead of time via phone, mail, or social media, why it is that we need to speak with them and exactly what we are trying to do. We might even mention step number nine and that it is part of a program that I’m trying to use in order to be a well, dependable, and relatively normal human being.

 I say relatively normal because our condition, assuming we are doing this as the spiritual program it is meant to be, we are changed. We may be free from whatever issue progress to the 12-step program. If we are allowing the 12-step program to work the way it has been intended, we are changed once again. You now are saying “yes” in the 3rd step, our surrender has worked in two ways. We have given up those things for the past that were insane behavior but now the new us may be difficult for others to understand or even believe.

 I believe the best thing is a direct, gentle, and sincere approach, in which we state our recognition of our problem(S), and if appropriate, what we would like to do to try to help rectify our past behaviors and actions.

 Other than these easily accessible folks, there will be, (sometimes many), folks that are either difficult or impossible to contact. In these cases I must make sure that my tendency for rationalization is not overworking here. I could very easily tell myself that this person is inaccessible because that’s the answer that would be easy for me. Sometimes I must simply bite the bullet, remember that God is providing me with all the power that I need, and make the attempt to reach these people. If a trip to see them might be out of the question, well, there is always a phone call or social media that I can use to reach them. Remember, which is always be at their convenience. You might say something like, “Hi (name), this is Chuck I would like a little of your time to explain, and apologize for my (whatever) behavior.”

 If it turns out to be absolutely impossible to reach a particular person and you know it is a person that you need to make amends to, I would suggest writing a letter. After writing the letter, I would put it in a drawer somewhere with the intention of giving it to them if the occasion ever presents itself.

 The whole idea here is to finish clearing up the wreckage of the past wherever possible, especially after doing our 5th stop. It is a continuation of our cleanup in order for us to continue learning our new way of life.