Steps to the Spirit

So, as many of you know, this is my most favorite of all of the steps. Now I am going to tell you why, but not only why, but how I actually approached this step when I decided to work the program in earnest. I have constantly touted how this is, in my estimation and experience, a God-given program. I have also remarked about its organization and how well one particular step leads naturally and spiritually into the next. When I reached the third step, I was literally broken. I was, however, hanging onto some semblance of a higher power. This really saved me, I’m kept me from floundering in the program without direction. I believe now that this little thread of higher power, this faint awareness of the knocking of our Holy Spirit, can get us on track to begin the repair of our lives.

 The third step tells me that I need to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. What would necessitate such a decision? What could overcome this so-called ego of mine so much that I would think that there might be a better way? Well, for me it wasn’t difficult! At that point I seem to have one foot in the ice cold water, and the other foot on thin ice.

As I continue, I found myself at step number two, I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. As in step one, it seemed like my first time seeing or understanding, in my limited way, step number two.

I had always had some beliefs in God. It was my  self that I had a real problem with. Most of my life I forced myself to be separate from God, mainly because I did not believe God could love a loser like me. But for some reason, those words of the second step seemed to burn into my being. I could see, just how insane my life had become. I believed, as it said in the first step, that I had not been able to manage my own life. I needed help desperately, and perhaps for the first time in all seriousness, I completely threw myself at the feet of God. I truly believed that God could help if I was able to get my self out of the way.

For the first time I was able to understand that my life was truly insane. It was truly unmanageable. I needed a manager and I believed, for the first time, that my only option left, my only chance at life itself, was to accept the help of God.

Well, I have just accepted step number one as a “fact” of my life. I was truly at the very lowest point in my existence. Nothing else mattered, other than to run away, keep drinking, and wallow in my bottomed-out self-esteem and self-pity.

 Now, here comes one of the many miraculous parts of this 12-step program. It is the answer to the problem I recognized and admitted in step one. As you may have heard me say many times before, I easily compared myself to the story about the person that got hit by a bus. They were trying to cross a busy street in downtown New York City. The life had changed to “don’t walk”, but that person decided they could make it across the street anyway, and avoid the oncoming traffic. Well, they no sooner stepped off the curb when they were hit by a bus. After spending quite a while in the hospital, they were finally released to continue with their life. They found themselves at the same street crossing, with the blinking “don’t walk” sign. Once again, the insanity set in and they said to themselves, “this time I can do it. This time it will be different”. Once again they were hit by the bus and started the cycle all over again. They kept repeating their behavior and became sad and devastated. This is what happened to my life, my “bus” being alcohol. I was truly at bottom when it seemed like I saw the first step for the first time. I could not manage my life! My behavior had truly become a sign of insanity. One definition of insanity I found is: unsoundness of mind or lack of the ability to understand that prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship. This is certainly the point I was at. Was I doomed to this wife forever? No, because here is the beginning of an answer. Here is step number two.

I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

I hope you enjoy and derive a benefit from this podcast.

So, in the last episode, I drank my way out of the service and began a life that I could only describe as a life of insanity. After all, every single time I drank, it was like a means to an end that was never a good one. The cycle during those years was usually coming off a drunk, usually ending up in some sort of rescue facility, or a cheap room somewhere, getting a job, possibly attending 12 step meetings and becoming involved, (at least on a surface level), and always meeting nice, helpful people. Finally I once again arrived at the point where I felt I couldn’t play this charade any longer, and began to drink once more. No matter where I was or what I was doing, as soon as I took that first drink, all was over. Thus began the cycle once more.

As I said, over those years, there were periods of deep involvement with the 12 step program, and eventually, slightly longer periods of sobriety, enabling me to do some work as a therapist and counselor as well as attend three or four schools to learn about addiction counseling. When my drinking brought me to yet another program of therapy as a patient, I had already learned so much about myself, about alcoholism, and about the 12 step program, that I really tuned myself out, yet still went through the motions.

Finally, during my last drunk, I was so far at the bottom that I actually was considering ending it all, something that never seemed possible for me because I thought it would completely remove any connection, however slight, I had with God. I asked the bartender for a phone book so I could look up auto supply stores where I could buy along to run from my exhaust. As I thumbed through the A’s in the “A” listings in the phone book, my finger landed on a phone number for AA. I decided to call the number and they told me where a meeting would be that evening. I believe that bartender was my first “angel” that evening. I also believe that moment in that bar was the first moment of my troop Enlightenment, the gift associated with the first step.

In this episode, I will continue the story as I describe my next two angels.

I left off in the last episode or podcast where I was headed into the Army. After running away from home and having a couple of minor run-ins with the law I wanted to get away my parents thought it might be a really good idea for the Army to “straighten me out”. It did not work! I guess I really saw the Army has one big drinking club. I somehow ended up as a military policeman. Basically the Army took a 17-year-old alcoholic and gave him a 45 and a carbine, and sent them off to work. I was lucky I didn’t kill someone because, of course, I could never be trusted to not be drinking.

After leaving the service, my life developed a pattern. The details were different in each episode, but the overall scenario was the same. I started off somewhere, possibly at my parents home, or in some state that I ended up in, and began all over again. I would find a job, that I may or may not have been qualified to do, (I sometimes lied about my experiences, but I had the ability to adapt and learn just about any job), and usually do well at the job. I was always likable, at least if I was sober. I always concurrently was involved with 12-step program where I went through the motions, but never truly participated in.

Eventually, the connections that I made with people, and the usual success in doing whatever job I had acquired, became too much for me. The whole mask and armor thing was too much to bear. I have described it in other writings as being similar to a pressure boiler with water inside, fire below, and steam pressure building up. There was an outlet valve to release the pressure, but unfortunately that relief valve for me was alcohol and escape. In a nutshell, my life became a series of good starts, some success, meeting new friends, and eventually through drinking, tearing the rug out from under myself.

Step number one, when I took it, went like this: “I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable”. Now, as most of you know, I have developed a personal set of steps, in a form that works for me. So, my version of this step is: “I admitted I was powerless over myself, and that my life had become unmanageable”.

 By the time I was ready to take this step for real, I was absolutely at the bottom for me. By that time I had been through, (approximately), 20 detox places and maybe seven or eight alcohol and drug rehab programs. I knew much of the big book, (Alcoholics Anonymous), including chapter 5, including the steps. I went to a few schools to learn about the disease of alcoholism and counseling. I worked as a counselor or therapist and knew quite a bit about addiction and the 12 step program. I, or anyone, would not have thought I would continue to be addicted to anything.

 But, I kept kidding myself with the thought that this time, if I succumbed to my addiction, it would be different. This time I would be able to handle it. Well, that changed one day when I was working as a counselor or at a religious center in New York State. One day I held off and went into town to buy some clothing. I was walking along a street, saw a bar, walked right in, and sat down. The bartender came over and I ordered a beer. In the time it took for the bartender to draw that beer, many thoughts went through my head.

 “You know if you drink this beer, you will not be able to stop at one, or 10 or 20.”

 “You know if you do this you will lose everything you have

worked for in the past year or so.”

 “You know you are going to run once more and lose all the friends you have developed so far.”

 As I was thinking these thoughts, these truths, the bartender came over with my beer and I picked it up, drank it with the thought of “down the hatch”, and proceeded to order more. It was at that time in my addiction that I stopped fooling myself. I no longer could tell myself that I would just have a couple. I no longer could tell myself that this time would be different. From that point on I knew exactly who and what I was. Unfortunately, it would still be many years of wearing my mask and armor, before I would take any serious steps towards wellness.

So, to continue with this introduction, or should I say my introduction to the 12 step program, well, it’s not pretty.

The root cause, or reason, for me becoming introduced to or involved with the 12-step program was alcohol. Well, let me correct myself. The root cause was actually my low self-esteem and the inability or unwillingness to incorporate God into my life. My drinking of alcohol was a very destructive and terrible symptom of my underlying lack of self-worth. It was a tool that I could use to pull the rug out from under any progress I made in thinking I might be good enough to even be alive.

I believe I was about 10 years old when I discovered the personality changing effects of alcohol. When my adoptive parents had company I was sometimes allowed to make drinks for them. I remember trying some of the alcohol to see what it tasted like. I even remember being given a small taste of one of the drinks with the reasoning that, “it was better I tried it at home than to do it outside”. From the first moment I was introduced to alcohol, I like the way it made me feel. I felt like someone other than who I really was, and any time I could feel that way was a blessing.

Eventually, in my childhood, and teenage years, “going out” always included alcohol of some sort. I began drinking at a local bar in the Bronx by the time I was 16 years old.

I also ran away from home for the second time when I was 16. I got on the plane with another kid from my school and we flew to San Juan Puerto Rico from New York. I remember being able to drink a lot for the week we were there before we were discovered as runaways and sent back to New York. I eventually joined the Army when I was 17 years old., My parents signed the papers for me to enlist, hoping it would help me. It didn’t! I saw the Army as one big drinking, club. After the service I continue drinking, spending time occasionally in hospitals and rehab facilities. Nothing worked. Sometime during those episodes I created a son with the help of a woman who I’m sure had, in different ways, many of the problems that I had. I was on yet another bender when I was told that the baby was stillborn. I had no reason to not believe this, and it wasn’t until recently that I found I had a son. We connected for time, (happily, I thought), but he has since decided to end our connection. I have no idea why, but it is his choice and I will not impose on that.

I ended up in more rehab facilities than I can remember. I finally received my first DWI and ended up in jail overnight. This all has to do, I know now, with “me” running away from “me”. I was a person who was doing the exact opposite of what this 12 step program suggested. I also had periods of sobriety when I seem to do well, at least in a physical sense. I managed to get some schooling and work for a while in a rehabilitation facility. All the while I thought, “Who am I kidding? ”, I knew the book and the steps inside out, but had yet to apply any of them to my life. I lied about working the steps and I lied about my life becoming better. Every time I seem to make progress, I pulled the rug out from under myself.

One afternoon I found myself considering the one thing I said I would never do, suicide. Through the grace of God in that terrible, devastating time of my life, I ended up at yet another 12-step meeting. But, miraculously, this one was different. I was finally ready to become honest. I was finally ready to surrender.

I have not posted much about the 12 steps in quite some time. It seems like it might be time to take another look at the steps. I’m not going to just rehash what I’ve said before. I’m going to try to take a personal look at the steps from my vantage point. I am going to try, (with as much honesty as I can), to share how I have worked and am working this 12-step program. As those of you who have been following this podcast, or reading my books, know, I believe this program to be a God-given one. I believe, with all of my being, that this is a spiritually based roadmap with which to learn to live my life under the direction and guidance of God.

If I were to read what I have just written (above) years ago, it would have been quite intimidating. Believe me, my friends, traveling on this spiritual road is not difficult. As a matter of fact, once I have accepted the strength and guidance of God and my Spirit, the road is as smooth as silk. However, I still have my humanity to deal with, which becomes, at times, quite the rocky road.

My blindness doesn’t allow me to speak to groups any longer. When I did speak to them, especially after finding my beautiful place in the Spirit, I was not well received. You see, twelve-step groups are, ultimately, a cross-section of the same society that exists everywhere else. The only difference is that they are fighting a particular addiction, or life problem, that is common to that group. Generally speaking, they are happier and more comfortable listening to a speaker relate humorous, exciting personal, and dramatic stories. Most folks are more comfortable with narrations that seem to zero in on their human emotions rather than their spiritual selves.

I truly, (and sadly), believe as I write this podcast description, that a very small percentage of humanity will ultimately choose Spirit over their physical selves. The Spirit knocks at our human shell continuously. It asks to be recognized. It asks to be allowed to help us. We need only to answer in the affirmative. We need only to say “yes” to our Spirit and to God. If you are familiar with the steps or are involved in the 12-step program, you are probably aware that this beautiful decision can be found in the first three steps.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of absorbing the message of the first three steps into our beings. These steps, and their absorption into our lives, signify the new beginning that most of us are looking for.

It can be, through these three steps, that I can say the eternal, loving, “yes” to God. It is through these three steps that I can surrender. It is through these three steps that I can be victorious.

It is through these three steps that I can have the greatest power ever imagined at my beck and call. It is through these three steps that I can begin to reclaim my sanity. It is through these three steps that the yoke of human suffering can be shed from my shoulders. They represent a new power, a new beginning, a new freedom, and a new love that is eternally ours.

It is through  these first three steps that we receive the power and the fearless ability to delve into the following nine steps. Once those first three steps are taken completely and sincerely, nothing can ever hurt us again! This is why we are urged to take these first three steps. As it says in the literature, “ What an order I can’t go through with it… but there is one who is all power, that one is God, may you find Him now”.

These are some of the things I will be describing, from my point of view, in the next episodes about the 12 steps. In my early experiences with the 12 step program, I tried to get through these steps as quickly as possible, and to do them on my own. It took me many, many tries before I realized my rationalization had to be prevented, and I had to abandon myself to God in order to get anywhere. I finally realized

Yes, I am finally at the summary of this series of episodes about the beginnings of our way of life, and how those beginnings are so closely related to the Oxford Group. So, when I think about all of the lists, steps?, And the general way of life given to us by the Oxford Group, I need to let it all go.

Although the Oxford group provided us (Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob), with all of the ingredients with which to create our 12 step program, they had to disappear. We now have what has become a new set of spiritual principles that are encased in our 12 steps. Maybe this is the way that God allowed the 12 step program to be born. He didn’t control us. When all is said and done we must hold true to the concept of free will. The choice is ours. The choice will forever be ours until there is no longer a choice to make.

Those of us who choose to say “yes” to God, realize that in some way, or many ways, this is a God-given program. We realize that as a result of our surrender, we achieve a victory surpassed by none other. My wish is that you have said “yes”, and are also on the path to experience and feel the eternal, perfect, love of God.

Thank you for listening. In the next series of episodes I will once again, go through the 12-steps in greater depth than I have in the past, and  attempt to describe how they affected me personally .

I know, I know, once again this is supposed to be the summary of the influence of the Oxford group on the 12 step program. However I listen to a talk yesterday on the 12 steps and the Oxford group and I discovered some information that I had never, heard before. The speaker, who was anonymous because it was a talk hosted by an Alcoholics Anonymous group, describes what he referred to as, “the 4 steps” of the Oxford group. Well, I certainly couldn’t and these episodes without informing you about these 4 steps. The speaker said they came from a book called, “What Is the Oxford Group”, by L.W. Grensted. I am including those 4 steps below:

The 4 Steps of the Oxford Group:

1.  The sharing of our sins and temptations with another Christian life given to God, and to use sharing as witness to help others still unchanged to recognize and acknowledge their sins.

2.  Surrender our life, past, present, and future into God’s keeping and direction.

3.  Restitution to all whom we have harmed directly or indirectly.

4.  Listening to, accepting, and relying on Gaia God’s guidance and carrying it out in everything we do or say, great or small.

I realize that the language, and words, are a little foreign in this day and age, especially in this first step. However, isn’t this basically saying what the fourth and fifth steps in today’s program say? Of course, we don’t need to do the six step with a “Christian”, and we have our own terms or way of looking at the words sin and temptation, but I think they all come down to the same thing in each of us.

Step 2 is all about surrender. This term is certainly implied in the first three steps. Ultimately, this is my goal as a result of the whole of the 12 step program… to learn to completely listen and surrender to God’s wishes and direction.

The 3rd step is all about trying to make those things we did that affected people in a negative way, right. Restitution keeps cropping up in the Oxford group literature because they saw it as being so important to their recovery and reconnection with God.

Step number 4, happens to be my current, favorite step, at least in this particular list. I think it encompasses steps 10, 11 and 12. Of course, any of you who have read my writings know that I have created a philosophical/theological system called Mystical Interrelational Trinitarianism, or, MIT. It happens to be all about learning to listen for the influence of our Spirit; learning to discern and disseminate what we truly hear from her Spirit; and using what we hear to direct our humanity. After I say that everlasting, permanent, and eternal “yes” to God, listening for His/Her direction becomes my most important spiritual activity.

I certainly hope you will enjoy this podcast and I promise that part number 10 in the series will be a summary of the influence of the Oxford Group.