Stoic Coffee Break

Do you get overwhelmed with the challenges of life? When life gets to stressful do you shut down and bail out? Today I want to talk about why we let things overwhelm us and what can we do to stay on track.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

— Marcus Aurelius
 Life is challenging. Some times we feel overwhelmed at the situations we have in life. When this happens we may shut down and retreat. We may give up on things that are important to us that are not even directly tied to the situation that may be causing stress in our lives. This can include areas such as work, relationships, or hobbies. 
Many people might see this and think that the "obvious" solution is that this is a failure of planning, as in, you might have unrealistic timelines or expectations of how much you can actually get done. When you fail to meet those expectations, you get frustrated and burned out.
But before we look at tactics, let's think a little deeper, shall we?
First, I want you to know that you are not alone. Anyone involved in a creative endeavor runs into this issue. And by creative endeavor I mean creating anything, and that also includes creating a better life. We have great intentions, high aspirations, and plenty of talent, and yet, we get sidetracked, spiral out, and shut down.
I know that I have a pretty familiar pattern: I make plans when I’m in a good headspace. I feel excited and am looking forward to working on my goals. Then something stressful hits in my life, and pretty soon I find myself retreating and backing off from a lot of things in life. 
I’ve done this several times with my podcast. Things in my personal life would be falling apart, then I would shut down the podcast. Sometimes, I would try working on another project, only to find that I even then I still would feel overwhelmed and just give up.
The worst part about this pattern is that I would feel like a failure on multiple fronts. I would feel like a failure because of the issue in my personal life, then I would feel like a failure because I wasn’t working on my podcast or music or learning 3D programming. 
So why do we do this? Why do allow stress from one part in our life deep six other things in our lives?
Self SabotageI think the first thing we need to come to terms with is that sometimes, we’re looking for a way out. When I feel overwhelmed and let myself burnout, it is often because, deep down, at some level, it's what I really want. I want to give up. Sometimes, life is hard and letting outside events overwhelm me is an easy way to blame an outside event for failing to achieve what I set out to do.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “I would never do that! I really want to succeed, but there was just too much other shit going on."
Let me let in you on something: Everyone has too much other shit going on. Kid's plays and soccer games. Partners and friends who need your time and attention. And there are the basics such as, you know, keeping up with work. That's not to mention taking time for ourselves such as exercise, hobbies, and rest.
Simple put, life is busy.
Plenty of people have done amazing things while still managing all this extra shit. If you really want to accomplish your goal, then you wouldn't let anything stop you. 
Let me put it this way. If one of your projects was something you needed to complete because if you didn't you would die, do you think you would let those outside things overwhelm you?
I don't think so. 
I think you'd finish it come hell or highwater and push all those external things to the side. 
If there is something that you truly want to do in life, then any external excuse for quitting, is just that - an excuse. 
Ultimately, I find that I sometimes let myself just get overwhelmed because it's easier than pushing through, and I can point to a "reason" why it wasn't my fault that I failed. But if I'm honest with myself, I know, deep down, I'm quitting because I just don't want to do the hard work. It's hard to admit to something like this, especially when you know you are quite capable, but owning up to it is the first step in taking responsibility for your choices. You have the right to choose to not do something. You don’t need a reason outside of yourself. 
Now, not everything we feel burned out on is due to self-sabotage. Sometimes we really do want to reach some goal but we’re pushing ourselves too hard and we end up ignoring other aspects of our lives. Stoicism is about equanimity, it’s about finding balance so that we can work efficiently and effectively. So let’s dig into some ways that you can help find that balance, and avoid burning out. 
Facing Up to Your EmotionsI think the biggest piece of the puzzle that can cause us to feel overwhelmed is that we may be in situations that are emotionally challenging and we don’t want to face them. When something in our lives is emotionally draining, we will often try to ignore it. But in doing so, the emotion doesn’t go away. It stays in our system unresolved. We carry it around like shackles on our ankles, and we’re the ones that put them on. We might be able to function in our daily lives, but we are not bringing all our resources to bear. We are not operating at our best. 
This can become too much of a burden and rather than face up to and deal with these challenging emotions, we find ways to distract ourselves. The list of distractions includes alcohol, drugs, work, television, video games or any other number of things that allow us to push these uncomfortable emotions to the side. I noticed that when I took a break from my podcast over a year ago, rather than working on learning graphics programming in my spare time, which was my plan, I ended up just playing video games. I had no motivation to anything else. I didn’t write. I didn’t read any books. I didn’t hang out with friends. 
Once I started facing up to some of the emotionally challenging situations in my life, I was better able to handle the pressure of other commitments, such as working on my podcast. I was more social. I started working out again. My life wasn’t perfect by any means, but it certainly felt more manageable. 
Physical HealthI think that many of our issues with mental health are directly related to out physical health. If we’re exhausted, in pain, or in poor health, it affects our state of mind, causing us to have a negative outlook on life. I think that there is an underestimation of how much our physical state affects our mental state. We like to think that we can just change our thinking and we can ignore our physical state. But remember, we experience the world in our bodies, so to pretend that they aren’t linked is rather foolish. 
If you find yourself feeling burned out, make sure that you are taking care of the physical things. Pushing ourselves too hard, eating poorly, not sleeping enough affects our mental outlook whether we like it or not. 
For example, in my own life, I struggle with insomnia. This makes it hard to think clearly, and often makes things feel much darker or harder than they really are. I can be grumpy and irritable without really being aware of it. Doing my best to take care of myself by doing everything I can to improve my sleep by eating healthy, exercising, and following a regular sleep schedule has helped quite a bit. I also do my best to be aware of my mood by writing in my journal and meditating. 
Narrow Your FocusIn our world of productivity hacks and hustle culture, we can feel overwhelmed because we try to take on too many things. We may feel guilty when we take time to relax and recharge because it’s not considered productive. Much of this comes from comparing ourselves to others. We look at how others “hustle” and think that is the reason for their success. But as any good athlete will tell you, resting is just as important as training. Doing one without the other will guarantee failure. Finding the balance of working hard and resting is what puts you in the ideal state.
When we’re spread too thin and pulled in too many directions, we end up not doing anything very well. By reducing what we’re working on to just a few things at any given period of time, we can make more progress on the goals that we have. This doesn’t mean that we need to drop everything else, but it can mean that we schedule things to a later date. There is nothing that says we have to accomplish everything all at once. And to be honest, just hustling all the time sucks the joy and pleasure out of life.
Time Management"It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it." 

— Seneca
One area that we can focus on which will help reduce our stress is managing our time. This is something that I’m still working on, and I should probably do a full episode so that I can explore ways to manage my time better. But for now, I have a very basic schedule to my day of when I start and end work. I also schedule in self care activities like exercise and meditation. I make sure that I take at least 30 minutes for lunch, since I work from home and it’s pretty easy to just get busy and push through some code I’m working on. 
Since I struggle with insomnia, I’ve been making sure that I have some wind down time before bed. This means that an hour before bed I will doing something relaxing that is not cognitively taxing. This could be watching something fun on Netflix, reading some nice fiction, or sitting in the hot tub. As I’m getting ready for bed, I’ll put on some chill jazz piano, to help my mind wind down. 
Creating a basic outline to your day can help you manage your life a little better. The less you have to keep in your head, the more likely you’ll be able to follow your schedule. Also, if you put everything on a calendar, it’s easier to see if you are simply overloaded and trying to take on too many things.
Make Choices"It is not what happens to you that matters, but how you react to it that determines the quality of your life. You have within you the power to choose your thoughts and opinions, and you can choose to respond to any situation with patience, courage, and understanding."

 — Epictetus

Often when we’re feeling overwhelmed it’s because we are stuck in a place of worry and confusion.  Probably the most useful tool that I’ve worked on implementing in my life is something I talked about in episode 247 - There are no Problems, Only Choices. This is the idea that rather than focusing on a problem and all the worries attached to it, you focus on what choices you have available, and figure out which one most align with your goals, your values, and your principles. 
Focusing on what choices you can make is beneficial for a number of reasons. Since you are focusing on choices, you spend less time needlessly worrying about the problem. It also puts you in a better place to take action. When you take action, you are making progress. When you make even just a little progress, it makes the next set of choices easier. You create momentum which can help carry you through the difficult parts of a situation. 
We may get stuck in worrying what choice is the “right one”, or we may have too many choices. If you find that you have having a hard time making a choice, figure out what your principles and values are and use that as your guide. Is there a choice that aligns with them? If not, are there any choices that tick most of the boxes, but still support your most important principles? Is there choice that can, at the very least, get you started?
ConclusionThere are a lot of things in the world that can derail us from achieving the things we want, though usually the biggest hinderance is ourselves. However, there are foundational things that we can to do that make us more resilient when we run into resistance and help us avoid burnout. When we focus on taking care of our physical health, managing our time, and put our energy towards making better choices and find that balance that we need. When we find that balance, it  helps us keep moving forward, rest and recover, and enjoy the journey.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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A wide ranging conversation with Brian, the host of the LOTS project. You can find out more information about Brian and living off the grid at https://thelotsproject.com/---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When life throws you curveballs, how do you handle them? Do you freak out? Do you roll with it? Do you look at it as an opportunity or a disaster? Today I want to about how to keep a perspective on life that helps you keep on moving when things don’t go as planned.
We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

— Epictetus
First, I want to apologize for not getting last weeks episode out. As you know I’ve been struggling with pretty severe insomnia over the last few months and last week I just hit a wall. I had the episode about 85% finished, but was so wiped out that It was a struggle to just get to the end of the week. The irony of it was that the episode was about dealing with feeling overwhelmed. I was going to make it this weeks episode, but given some big events that happened for me this last week, I felt it was more pressing to talk about how we handle the unexpected twists that life throws our way.
CongratulationsOne of my favorite things that has taken place in Portland over the past 12 years was the World Domination Summit. For those of you who don’t know what it was, it was kind of like a TED conference with all kinds of interesting speakers, classes, and experiences for people who want to live differently in the world. It was founded by Chris Guillebeau, who lives here in Portland. He’s the author of several books and writes a blog about travel and living an unconventional life. 
A few weeks ago, I was reading one of his posts called “Congratulations On Your New Life”, that really stuck with me. He talked about how a few years ago he was speaking at a conference and someone who was asking a question mentioned that they had just lost their job, and rather than offering condolences, he felt like he needed to take another route. He congratulated them. Since that time, this is usually the response he offers when someone talks about something that is causing a big transition in life, such as losing a job or ending a relationship. 
Now this may seem a little harsh to some people, but Chris mentioned that most times when he followed up with the other person, that even if they were a little shocked at first, when they took the time to think about it, they really didn’t like the job or could see that they were better off out of the relationship. In a way, this event was a favor and an opportunity to make a change in their life that they probably wouldn’t have done were it not for this happening.
Curveball
The obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition. 

— Ryan Holiday
This last week, as I mentioned, was exhausting. I decided to take off Friday to see if I could get caught up on some sleep. Even though I knew that I could sleep in, I still only got about 5 hours of sleep. I was able to get a short nap in later that afternoon, but soon after waking up received a call from the owner of the company I work for. He let me know that due to financial constraints, he had to cut my project and was letting me go. I thanked him for letting me know and we talked through next steps of making the transition smoother for the other developers who would be taking up the slack for some of my minor projects.
At the end of the call, he thanked me for handling things professionally and not making it a difficult call. I told him there was no reason make things difficult. He was simply doing what he needed to for his company. For me, it was an interesting moment. There was no real stress about the whole thing. It was just matter of fact like “this is just a thing that happens in life”. I felt very relaxed and stoic about it, and after the called was over I laughed about the fact that my first thought on hearing the news was that now I’d finally be able to caught up on sleep.  
Life Happens

Don’t Panic! 

— Douglas Adams
So what do you when life throws unexpected things your way? Do you panic? Do you look at all the downsides? 

The first and most important thing we can do in any situation is to do our best to stay calm. Part of the stoic teaching of Amor Fati, is that we love everything that happens to us, and that our reaction to anything will not really change what happens. In the case of getting laid off, being rude to my now former boss, would not have changed the situation, and would have only made things worse. In fact, by the end of the call, he asked if, when he had more funding available in the future, I was open to working as consultant to finish the development of the software I had been working on. I told him that I was certainly open to it if my situation in the future made it possible to do so.
No One to Blame

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education; to accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun; to accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 

—Epictetus

Another important thing we can do is not get caught up in finding someone to blame. It is one thing to understand the root cause of something, but to waste time trying to pin the blame on someone does nothing to help you move forward. It only leads to more stress and worry. Now, this does not mean that if someone is causing issues for you that you simply ignore them. It does mean that you do your best move on and let go of things that don’t serve you. In this case, being angry with my former boss because he didn’t have the funds to continue keeping me on payroll doesn’t matter. It’s simply the way that things turned out. It’s just the way that all the circumstances lined up. Nothing more, nothing less.
Choices
There are no problems, only choices.
One of the most important ideas that I’ve been trying to implement in my life over the past few months is that of focusing on what choices I have in front of me in any given situation. Letting go of all the worries and what ifs won’t help me keep moving forward. In the case of losing my job, I’ve been able to apply this by making a list of things I can do, not worry about why didn’t things work the way I wanted. 
What Next?
It is not what happens to you that matters, but how you react to it that determines the quality of your life. 

— Epictetus
So what comes next for me? That’s hard to say at the moment. This last year has been a turbulent one already, so this is just one more factor in the mix. But right now I have a little more of the most precious resource known to man - available time. And this is something that will allow me to accelerate some things I’ve been working towards. 
I find myself in a place full of opportunity. 
I’m reaching out to recruiters and others in my industry.  Since I’m working on getting my house ready to sell, I’m appreciating the fact that I will have more time available for getting things prepared. I plan on improving my workout regimen and cycling more once the weather warms up a little more. I plan on getting a few more podcast episodes made so I have them ready a week or more in advance so that I don’t run into something like last week. I’m working on some ideas for expanding the reach of the podcast.
But first, I’m going to get some sleep.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you take care of your body? To you treat it like a temple? Do you exercise it and strengthen it as much as your mind? Today I want to talk about how important it is to treat your body as good as, if not better than your mind.
It is impossible to live a pleasant life without living wisely and well and justly, and it is impossible to live wisely and well and justly without living a pleasant life. And the wise man needs to take care of his body just as a farmer takes care of his land.

— Epictetus 
The stoics teach us that it is our mind and our perspective which creates our reality, and on this show I talk a lot about understanding our thinking so that we can be the kind of people that we want. We spend a lot of time focusing on the mind. But the other day I was thinking about some of the changes I’ve made to my physical environment that have made a big impact on my life, so today I want to talk less about the mind and more about the body.
It is necessary to care for the body, not for its own sake, but because it is the abode of the soul.

— Musonius Rufus 

One of the most important things that we need to remember is that we experience the world physically, that is, through our bodies. It is through the senses that we perceive the world. If we didn’t have a body and senses, there would be no way to experience or interact with the world. The brain is reliant upon the input that it receives from the body. To neglect the body means that we experience the world in a less than optimal way. 
The state that our body is in can have a very large impact on our perceptions of the world. If you’re tired or feeling unwell physically, it colors how you view the world. It can have a big impact your mood. It can also lead to poor decision making, which is why we are better served by making important decisions when we are well rested.
Physical Health
I maintain that the first step to freedom is to take care of one's health. If a man is diseased in body, his mind will also be diseased.

— Seneca
I think that a good number of mental health issues can trace their source to physical health issues. If you aren’t taking care of your body, if you are eating only junk food or not getting the proper nutrition your body needs, it can make it challenging for you to think clearly.
If your body is not in good condition, then you are already starting at a disadvantage. This doesn’t mean that you need to become a gym rat and spend every free moment working out. It does mean that you eat a healthy diet, exercising every day, and getting enough sleep. It also means that we seek help if we have substance abuse issues with alcohol or drugs.
AlcoholOver the past few months I’ve made number of changes that have impacted my life in a very positive way. The first major change was that over a month ago, I stopped drinking alcohol. I found that I was using it to avoid having to deal with difficult emotional situations and emotions. It had also became an almost nightly habit, though I found that I was drinking more on nights when I was particularly stressed. It also made me more impulsive and less able to manage my emotions and my temper.
SugarAround the same time, I decided to change my diet because I was having digestive issues fairly regularly. I stopped eating refined sugars, and replaced them with fresh fruits and vegetables. I’ve paying attention to things that don’t sit well, and avoid them. At times it has felt a bit restrictive, but then one night when I was out for dinner I decided to splurge on chocolate cake, and while it tasted delicious, I suffered for the next two days as my body processed all that sugar. 
I had put on weight during the pandemic from drinking soda every day, as well as having desserts fairly often. Just removing alcohol and sugar from my diet has made a quite a difference. I’ve lost 8 pounds in last month. I had made other changes to my diet, but did not lose any weight until I removed them. I have been feeling much more mentally aware. I have a lot less problems with my digestive system, and I just feel better overall. I feel like I’m clean on the inside.
ExerciseThe last big change I’ve made is that I’ve been doing 20 minutes of yoga or stretching every morning, as well as a minimum of 20 minutes of more strenuous exercise during the day such as waking, cycling, or rowing. Because a of healing shoulder injury I have not been lifting any weights, but with these exercise I find that I am building muscle. As I lose more weight I can also feel some of the formerly flabby areas of my body starting to tighten up. I also feel more awake and find that my mind and thinking have been much clearer. My mood is improved and I handle stress significantly better.
SleepIn study after study, science has shown that sleep is one of the keys to good health. I know that when I don’t get enough sleep over an extended period, I’m more prone to catching colds or developing a sinus infection. Unfortunately, sleep is an area where I have been struggling over the years, and especially over the last 3 months. For some reason my body has gotten into a habit of waking up after 4-5 hours and most nights I’m unable to fall back asleep. I’ve been working to get better sleep and some nights I’m more successful than others.
In my quest of a good nights sleep, I have found a few things that increase my chance of a good night sleep.  As I mentioned before, I’m eating healthier, reducing alcohol, and exercising everyday. I’ve been heading to bed at a reasonable hour, and I have wind down routine that includes some nice piano jazz, and a few minutes of meditation before my head hits the pillow. 
DisciplineAnother benefit that we get when we focus on taking care of out physical health, is that we develop more self discipline. If you find that you have problems with mental discipline, then practicing a sport or marshal art or almost any physical activity can help you develop more discipline that can be applied in other areas of your life. I find for me that they go hand in hand. When I’m taking care of myself physically, it is much easier to take care of myself mentally.
ConclusionModeration is freedom from that which is disgraceful and servile, while intemperance is the contrary.

— Epictetus
Now, I’m not saying all these things to brag about myself. I’m not saying that you need to stop drinking or enjoying dessert or that you need to hit the gym every day. I’m sharing what I’ve changed in my life that has been helping me live a better life. Many of these are things that I knew that I needed to change for quite some time, but I resisted. 
Many of them I resisted for years. 
I think that some of these, especially the alcohol, were ways of coping with stress in my life. I think as I made some of the bigger mental health breakthroughs in my life, it made it easier to finally decide to make the changes I knew would be beneficial for me. I didn’t need these things as crutches. I could face my challenges head on.
The stoics speak often of temperance, which means finding moderation and balance in our lives. For me, this means that I focus on keeping my mind and body healthy. It means that I make choices that are more beneficial in and help me feel better in the long run. And I’m finding that as I improve my physical health, I’m enjoying the the fact that I look better, feel better, and think better. ---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Life is full of challenges that can knock you down, but the question is, are you going to stay down? As a romance novelist, Crystal Jackson might seem an odd choice for a guest on a podcast about stoicism, but Crystal has seen her fair share of hard knocks, and has some great lesson to share. We talk about how sometimes, the greatest challenges in our lives are also the greatest teachers.

You can find more from Crystal here: https://www.crystaljacksonwriter.com/---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The stoics teach us that our perspective on life is one of the most important things that we can control. It’s our perspective that informs how we approach everything. Today I want to talk about a powerful way to look at the world using stoic principles that can help us become more resilient, and better able to handle stresses in our lives.
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

— Marcus Aurelius
What if there were no problems in your life? I don’t mean that you don’t have things that are challenging, but what if, rather than fretting about something and framing it as a problem, you could just look at something as a choice to be made? 
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about an idea of how to approach challenges in life. It’s very different than how I currently see things, and this podcast is an attempt to try and solidify these ideas into a kind of operational framework.
But what if we decided that nothing was ever a problem? That every situation you came upon didn’t carry a judgment of being good or bad? Is there a way to look at each situation as an opportunity to just make choices?
ProblemsWhen I have things in my life that I’m struggling with, I view it as a problem. This creates a whole kind of frame around it, and makes it kind of an object in my mind, and makes it something that I can focus on. And though this can be helpful for being able to focus attention on something, when I cast it in the role of being a problem, it immediately has a negative connotation to it. I attach worries to it. I can ruminate it on it to an unhealthy degree. 
At times, this worrying about the future can be stressful and even overwhelming. This kind of worry is not helpful, wastes tremendous amounts of energy, and colors my mood in the present. 
So today I’m going to show you how to use some key stoic principles to help you change your perspective, worry less, and make better decisions.
Making ChoicesThere’s an old saying that I try to remember when I get stuck in making decisions.
Good decisions come from wisdom.
Wisdom comes from experience.
Experience comes from making bad decisions.
The more choices we are willing to make, the better we get at making them. So how do we get ourselves to make more choices without feeling overwhelmed? What can we do to help us make better decisions and take actions that help us move in the direction we want?
Amor Fati
Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.

— Marcus Aurelius
The first principle I want to talk about is Amor Fati. Amor Fati means “to love your fate”, which means to love everything that happens to us. 
This is often a hard concept to truly embrace. I think that most of us are happy to embrace the good things that happen to us and just try to tolerate everything else. But there are a few reasons why loving your fate is one of the best things that you can do to let go of worry. 
The first reason to love everything that happens to you is because it is happening to you. The fact that you love it or not doesn't change that it has has happened or is happening to you. You loving or hating is just your reaction based on your judgment of it. So, since it's happing anyway, why not love it?
Second, if you can love everything that happens to you then everything is an advantage. Nothing is a disadvantage or something that you can’t learn from. Since everything is an opportunity for you, you become anti-fragile. 
A simple example. If you are short, love the fact that you are short. Don't lament that you aren't tall, because it's a waste of time and cannot be changed. Then, find all the advantages life gives you for being short, and use them. For you Game of Thrones fans, Tyrion Lannister is a great example of someone playing to their strengths. 
Or, let’s say a tornado comes along and destroys your home. You can stress out about everything that you’ve lost, get mad at the universe or god, and allow yourself to feel terrible. Or, you get to see it as an opportunity to build a new house. You can see it as a signal that living in that particular city or town may not be a good option, and move somewhere else.
Or, let's say your partner breaks up with you and breaks your heart. You can hate them and feel like they ruined your life. You can be bitter and hurt. Or, you can understand that there are reasons that the relationship didn’t work out. You can appreciate all the good things, think about what you've learned. You can go into your next relationship a bit wiser.
No Opinion
You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.

― Marcus Aurelius,
One way that we can reduce the number of “problems” in our lives is to have no opinion on something for as long as possible. Now, this may seem counterintuitive, but think about it this way. How many things in your life do you really need to have an opinion about? For example, do you really need to care what someone on twitter said? Do you need to have an opinion on what someone was wearing on Instagram?
This doesn’t mean you need to ignore things. It just means that you see events as happening, as information to take in. You can observe as long as you need and only make an opinion if it is something that truly needs you attention. Once you have an opinion on something, then you have something invested in it, so be miserly with your opinions.
MindfulnessWhen you are able to see things as choices, then you are more present.  When you aren’t running away from or avoid problems, then you are able to be more mindful. You aren’t stuck worrying about things that may happen in the future because you are focused on making choices in the present. 
You can think more long term. You can ask yourself, “What choice can make that will have a better long term outcome?” You’re not focused on that fact that you have a problem to deal with. You focused on what choices you can make. 
Don’t Sit in ConfusionOne of the most important things we can do is to not sit in confusion. If you see things as insurmountable problems, you will fret over those things, and you feel a lot of fear and distress. We will often sit in this place of confusion and indecision because we’re afraid to make choice. 
I know for me, a lot of stress comes when I don’t make a choice, or I worry to much about which choice to make. I can fret about something for days or weeks, all the while feeling the tension of indecision. When I finally make a decision, there is often a feeling almost bliss because I’ve finally relieved that stress. Making choices helps clear away confusion.
Take Action
We should not be so taken up in the search for truth, as to neglect the needful duties of active life; for it is only action that gives a true value and commendation to virtue.

— Cicero
Life is not a series of problems to solve, but something to experience. You experience it by making choices and taking actions. If you see the world as something to be experienced, then you have less fear around making a choice, because if your goal is to have an experience and learn from it, then any choice you make will help you reach that goal.
When you see the world through the lens that life is about choices to make, then you are no longer being acted upon by the world, and so you are no longer a victim. You are moving through the world making choices and taking actions. When you see things a choices, rather than problems, you are focusing on what you can control. You are always looking for what choice you can make in any situation, which, if it is something you can choose, then it’s something that’s under your control. 
PrioritiesIf you find yourself getting stuck in trying to make a decision, one of the most important tools you can use is find the choices that most align with you priorities and core principles. Taking the time to clarify your values can help you see what is most important to you, and how the options align with your priorities. 
Small StepsIf you get stuck in making a choice, make a small one. Just test it out. See how it feels. Sometimes we just need to get started moving in a direction so that we aren’t stuck. We can change our minds and move in a different direction if it doesn’t work for us. But sometimes we just need to keep swimming.
ConclusionThe closer we can get to seeing the world as choices rather than problems, the closer we can get to being a flow state in our lives. What I mean by flow state is when you’re playing a sport, or an instrument, or even a video game, you can hit a state where everything just feels like you can’t fail. When a problem comes up, you make decisions easily. You can easily marshal whatever resources you need, and easily handle any situation.  Working on seeing the world through the lens of choices to make rather than problems to solve is not an easy shift to make, but I think that the more you can adopt this perspective, the more you can enjoy the experience of living, and not get bogged down in the challenges in your life. You are more present and mindful, and worry less about the future. By improving your ability to make choices and take action, the more you will be able to live the kind of life you want, because you will see that there are no problems, only choices.---
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Last weeks podcast got a quite a few responses and questions. Some of them turned into some back and forth discussions about some of the ideas, so I want to dig into them a little deeper.
DeserveThe first question was from a listener who asked: “What if instead of looking at human existence as, "you don't deserve anything", we instead look at it as “you deserve exactly what you receive?”
Now, I understand that "you don't deserve anything" seems kind of harsh, but it is what I meant. When you say that you deserve something, it means that you feel entitled to it, that it is something owed to you, and I truly believe that nothing is owed to you in this life. If life were fair, we would all be born with the same advantages, but we all know we are not. 
Think about it from a very basic level. The universe or god doesn’t owe anyone anything, even from they day we’re born. If this were the case, then things like infants dying in childbirth wouldn’t happen. The reason that fewer children die in childbirth now than say 100 years ago, is because we have worked as a society to improve healthcare, as well as the whole process of giving birth. 
This did not happen because we wished the universe would let more children survive childbirth. It happened because people over generations took actions to improve healthcare. We decided as a society that it would be better for all of us if more children survived.
Some may think this attitude is cynical, but I think it’s far from it. I think the fact that we have created societies and worked to improve the health of everyone is an amazing achievement of humanity. 
In the Bhagavad Gita it says:
"You have the right to work, but for the work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of work. Desire for the fruits of work must never be your motive in working."
(Note, this does not refer to legal obligations. Work here means the work of living, of doing good in the world.)
Nothing is ever owed or guaranteed to you in this life. Live your life in a way that you find honorable not because of some great reward, but rather because you want live honorably and in a way that you're proud of. 
So to circle back around let's take what the listener said, "you deserve exactly what you receive". This would mean that if someone got cancer, they somehow deserved it. If someone got screwed over in a business deal, they somehow deserved it. To me, this attaches a moralistic judgment around the person. "They must have done something to deserve it!"
We do this because want to believe that life is fair, and it is not. Life happens, and we want to make sense of it. We see an effect and try to assign a cause, a motivation, a reason for it. 
We especially do this to ourselves. When we fail at something like a relationship, we often blame ourselves thinking we deserve what we are getting. We may be in a relationship that is not healthy for us, but we may think it's what deserve so we hold on even though we're miserable, because it's what we think we deserve. 
Epictetus warned of this when he said, "An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise man never has to blame another or himself." 
What this means is that when we blame others or ourselves, it is because we had expectations that were not met. If we can understand that, then we can deal with "what is", rather than getting upset about what "should be".
This listener then responded saying that they were leaning towards the idea that the universe gives us was we need to learn. I know that many people feel this way, but that begs the question: who or what determines what we need? Is there some god/universe/intelligence giving us these things for us to learn?
I'm of the mind that life just happens. I think there are plenty of opportunities for us to learn if we decide to take them. Plenty of people do not take them. This is why the stoics were so insistent on understanding the things you have control over - your thoughts, your choices, and your actions. In short, your will.
The only way that you can learn something from an experience is because you choose to do so. Because you give some kind of meaning to an experience that helps you learn from it. This means you have to make an effort and choose to learn and grow. It doesn't just happen.
Two people can go through a car wreck and have two totally different outlooks on what happened. One can come out and think it was the worst thing that ever happened because it almost killed them. The other can see it as a life affirming event that reminded them of the shortness of life so they are grateful for every moment they have left.
Ryan Holiday says: "The obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition." 
For me, this means there’s is always the opportunity to learn from any experience, but we have to step up take it. You have to develop a mindset to learn from any challenge that comes your way. That way it doesn't matter what experiences happen to you, you will learn from it. You will take those opportunities where others won't.
Kindness and KarmaAlright, let’s move on to another question. This listener writes:
“Hey Erick, I think the problem is most of us think that when we do good to others, then we will get the same but it doesn't happen and many of us end up being sad. Right now I am in the same situation where I feel I deserve something but as I am not getting it and constantly fail to achieve it. I feel sad. I want to know how can I avoid this mental obstacle and how can I cultivate a habit in long term where this type of mental blocks don't slow my growth or doesn't affect my well being. Also, do you believe in karma. I want to know what are your thoughts and stoic views on it.”
One of the fundamental stoic principles is to recognize what you can and cannot control. To be honest, I think that it is probably the most important principle, and I think that most other principles are built off of this one simple yet powerful idea.
As Wayne Dyer eloquently puts it: “Your reputation is in the hands of others. That's what the reputation is. You can't control that. The only thing you can control is your character." 
 If you are only nice to others so that they’ll be nice to you, then your actions are really just a way to manipulate others. I mean, I know what it’s like to be around someone that is just being nice to you because they want something. That something might just be for us to like them or because they’re tying to get us to give them something, but nonetheless, it doesn’t feel good when others are trying to manipulate us.
The way that you inoculate yourself againts this kind of unhappiness, is to decide to live the way that you want to live regardless of what others do. Your choices and actions are the only things that you control, so you decide to follow particular principles in your life. 
In this case, the principle is that you want to be a kind person, not because of other people, but because it’s the kind of person that you want to be. You cannot control if others will be nice to you. If you’re only nice to others when they’re nice to you, then you are allowing them to control you. You act with kindness regardless of how others act towards you. How they act should not dictate whether or not you live a certain principle. 
So, for the second part, do I believe in karma? At it’s origin, karma is a belief in Hinduism and Buddhism that your actions in this life have consequences in the next life. Since I don’t believe in an afterlife or reincarnation, I don’t believe in this definition in karma. 
I also don’t believe in karma in the more modern tit-for-tat way that many think about it. For example, many people think of karma as a force that if you do something bad, then something bad will happen to you. I don’t think it’s ever that cut and dry. That would mean there is some unseen external force that is judging what you do, and again, what’s the criteria? Who or what is making those decisions? 
What I do believe is that your actions have consequences, though those are often unseen and hard to trace. I believe that what you put out in the world comes back to you. For example, being kind to others doesn’t mean they’ll like you, but if you are mean and angry with others, then there is a good chance they won’t want to be around you. 
If you are kind to others, even when they are not kind to you, then you feel good about yourself. How they feel about you doesn’t matter. You are in control of your life because you have made a decision of how you want to live. This spills over into all other areas of your life. I find that when I am kind to others, then I generally am surrounded by others that are kind to me. If they are not, I do my best to still act how I want to, and usually just don’t spend time around them.
The idea of a fair world is a hard one to shake. We think that things should just balance out a certain way, and we are often frustrated when they don’t work out how we think they should. Really, what it comes down to is that we have expectations on things outside of our control, and when those aren’t met, we aren’t happy. When you recognize that you have the power to be the kind of person you want to be in any situation, then you have the opportunity to control the one thing that you can - Yourself.---
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Do you think that life is fair? Do you think it’s unfair? Are others “winning” when you are not? Today I want to talk about how fall into a pretty bad way of thinking that reduces our ability to take responsibility for ourselves, and blame our unhappiness on the world outside of us.
Complaining about a problem without posing a solution is called whining.

— Teddy Roosevelt

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

— Epictetus
From time to time I like to hop on the stoicism sub reddit and participate in discussions. I really appreciate is that most people are pretty thoughtful and respectful, and I often learn something new or see things in a new light. 
But there’s a kind of post that I see on there from time to time which I find is pretty sad. It is usually some  who is upset that they are not getting all the things in life they think they deserve. They complain that the job sucks or they’re struggling with school and the teachers are mean and out to get them. Or they’re afraid to talk to someone they’re find attractive and are upset that they can’t get a date. They talk about how how they tried to be stoic, but they still aren’t getting what they deserve. They complain that other people still treat them poorly even though they are trying to be stoic. There is often a lot of blaming of others for their misfortune and lashing out at the world in general.
So today’s episode is going to be a little bit of a rant, but I hope that you can bear with me.
FairnessDon't be overheard complaining…Not even to yourself.

— Marcus Aurelius
One of the hardest things for us to wrap our heads around in this world is this:
We are entitled to nothing in life. We deserve nothing in this world.
Now, I’m sure that might be upsetting to those of us who think that life should be fair. I’ll give you a hint:
Life is not fair and never will be.
How could it be? There is nothing in the universe that would be able to enforce some external rule of fairness. And if we tried to create a society of absolute fairness, who would be given the task of deciding what is fair? 
You? 
Me? 
As much as I’d like to think that I could be a good arbiter of fairness, I know that because of my own biases and personal failings, I could make a system that I think would be fair that plenty of others would disagree on. We could never get everyone to agree on what the definition of fairness is. As much as we might wish it, fairness is not something intrinsic in the universe. It is not a natural law like gravity. It is something that we have to create on our own as a society.
Interestingly enough, I think this is proven out because one of the core virtues of Stoicism is that of Justice. What that means to me is that we need to help bring justice to the world because it is not already a natural or intrinsic part of the world.
What’s ironic is that most people I see complain about the fact that world isn’t fair, are those that want the world to bend in a way that benefits them. If this were to happen, wouldn’t that make it so that world was again unfair because it benefits them and not someone else?
CharacterDon't demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well.

— Epictetus
Another part of this post that I wanted to talk about is the idea that if you act virtuously then everything will work out for you exactly the way that you want it. That people around you will change who they are simply because you are trying to be a good person. That because you “act” like a good person, then everything will simply come to you because you deserve it. This is never going to be the case.
Let me spell it out clearly for you: 
You don’t deserve anything. 
Just because you want or think you deserve something doesn’t matter. You can think that all you want. Just because you are nice doesn’t mean that you should get to date someone you find attractive. Just because you act virtuous doesn’t mean that other people will be nice to you or not try to take advantage of you. Or that good things won’t happen to bad people (of course who are you to decide if they are bad people?).
The reason that you act virtuously is not so that others will change for you. It is so that you act in a way that you feel good about. That you are living a life that you are proud of.  Life will happen to you regardless of your character. Having a good character does not mean that everything will go your way. 
In fact, I would argue that you if you think that you deserve something because you think you have good character, you probably don’t. I think that someone with good character would recognize that they don’t deserve anything by just thinking that they are a good person. You cultivate virtue, and build your character because it’s something you want. You want to be a good person not so that you get something or you earn something. You cultivate virtue because that’s kind of person that you want to be.
Doing The WorkHappiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.

— Steve Maraboli
Another common thread I notice is that most of their complaints are based on the outcomes they want. They complain about how they are are not getting the things they want. Rather than looking at what they are doing and finding where it doesn’t work and making changes to trying to figure out why things aren’t working, they are blaming others for why they are failing.
When you get something without having to work for it, you miss out on the lessons you need to learn in order to handle the success that you have. If you haven’t learned to be a charming, fun, or interesting person and you happen to land a date with someone you’re attracted to, why should they stick around? You haven’t given them any reason to do so. Have you put in the work to be a good partner? What do you bring to the table that would make them want to date you? What about their preferences and free will? Just as you wouldn’t want to date someone that you’re not interested in, why should they be forced to?
What they are asking for is all the reward without the work. If you get a college diploma, but you didn’t earn it and do the work, what happens when you get hired and after a few weeks your manager realizes that you don’t have the skills to do your job? 
Doing the work is how you gain the skills to be good at what you do. 
Doing the work is how you are able to maintain what you earn.
Let’s say that you want to be a firefighter. Maybe someday you’d like to be a leader of a fire fighting squad. And let’s say that on the your first day on the job, they just give you that position. Would you be very good at it? Would you know what to do to safely put out a fire and help those in danger and keep your team safe? 
No you wouldn’t. In fact, if you were simply given that position without the experience or training, then you would be a bigger danger to yourself and those around you. It is only through putting in the work that you learn how to safely and effectively fight a fire and lead a team.

Closing ThoughtsHappiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. 

— Dalai Lama XIV
You are responsible for the results of your life. If you want to be successful in life, study successful people. You’ll find those that are truly successful are those that take responsibility for their actions. They don’t blame others for why they are failing. Recognize the things that are blocking your path and figure out how to work around them. When you put the work in, you gain the skills to overcome any obstacle in your path. In my experience, when you stop complaining and take a good look in the mirror, you see that that the biggest blocker to your success is you. 

---
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This weeks episode is an interview I did with Dr. John Chancey of the Knowledge Brews Supreme podcast. It was really fun to dive into all kinds of interesting philosophical topics with John. He's sharp, warm, and fun. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed chatting with John.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
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Are you afraid of your feelings? Do you avoid, numb, or shut down your emotions? How much stress and anxiety do you create trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions? Today I want to talk about the power of emotions, and how to reduce your suffering by feeling your emotions all the way through.
Too many people believe that everything must be pleasurable in life. 

— Robert Greene
Emotions are powerful forces in our lives. They are the drivers of the actions we take. Those actions lead to the results get in our lives. The better we are at managing our emotions, the more control we have over our lives, and more likely we are to achieve the things that we want to in our lives.
What are Emotions?Emotions are complex mental states that are often a result of the interaction between our physical responses to external stimuli and our own thoughts, beliefs, and memories. Physical stimuli such as a perceived threat, pleasant touch, or intense sound can trigger a physiological response in the body, such as an increased heart rate, sweating, or changes in hormone levels. These physiological changes can influence our emotions, as our brain perceives and interprets these physical sensations and maps them to an emotional state. At the same time, our own thoughts, beliefs, and past experiences can shape how we perceive and respond to these stimuli, creating a feedback loop between our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.
When we have a strong emotional response to something, it is not just a thought in our minds, but something we also feel in our body. It’s this physical dimension which often makes emotions so scary. Our brains perceive a physical threat, and reacts as if there is the possibility of actual physical harm, even if we know rationally that we’ll be just fine. 
VibrationsIf you were to describe what an emotion felt like to an alien, you probably describe it as something like a vibration that you feel in your body. Some of those vibrations feel nice and pleasant, and others feel negative or distressing. But really, it is more or less a vibration that comes as the result of the thoughts in your mind, and the physical circumstances around you.
So why is it important to understand and manage your emotions? I want to propose the idea that most of the suffering in the world comes not from just physical pain and injury, but through emotional pain and anguish. And that suffering is made worse because we try so hard to avoid uncomfortable or painful emotions, and it is this avoidance which causes more suffering than the emotion we’re trying to avoid in the first place.
Feeling our emotions is also just part of being human. When we learn how to actually feel our emotions when they come, and not avoid or suppress them, we get to experience the full range of being human. If we don’t feel sadness or grief, then it also limits our ability to feel happiness and joy. For me, this is part of what the stoics mean when they talk about living according to nature. We all feel emotions, which means they are part of our nature, and repressing or ignoring them is not living in alignment with nature.
Avoidance
We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more in imagination than in reality. 
— Seneca
One of the interesting things about humans is that we will go out of our way to avoid painful or uncomfortable emotions. And it’s this avoidance which causes us to suffer far longer and deeper than if we just felt the original emotions in the first place. We often cause more damage than the emotions themselves. When we try to avoid the emotions we’re feeling, we will often distract ourselves with activities that either numb what we’re feeling, or keep us focused on something else. Alcohol, drugs, food, sex, or porn, are just a few of the things we use for numbing ourselves. We may overindulge in other activities that keep our minds off of feeling the emotions we have. Working extended hours, binge watching Netflix, and even spending too much time in the gym can distract us from processing and feeling emotions we’re uncomfortable with.
AddictionsAn inability to regulate emotions can lead to substance abuse as a form of self-medication to manage difficult emotions. Addiction and emotional suppression are often interconnected, as individuals who struggle with emotional regulation and coping may turn to substance abuse or other compulsive behaviors as a means of numbing or avoiding their emotions. 
On the other hand, chronic substance abuse can result in further suppression of emotions, as it alters brain chemistry and interferes with a person’s ability to experience and regulate their emotions. This creates a vicious cycle, where substance abuse and emotional suppression reinforce each other, making it difficult for individuals to break the cycle of addiction and regain control over their emotions. Effective addiction treatment often involves addressing the underlying emotional and psychological issues, as well as addressing the addiction itself.
Psychosomatic Disorders
Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.
— Elizabeth Gilbert
Our emotions have such an impact on our bodies that we can suffer what are called psychosomatic disorders. Psychosomatic disorders are physical conditions which are caused or worsened by psychological and emotional factors. They occur when psychological stress or anxiety manifests in physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive problems, and fatigue. These disorders are thought to result from the interaction between the mind and the body, where psychological stress can affect the functioning of the nervous and immune systems, leading to physical symptoms. 
Examples of psychosomatic disorders include, but are not limited to, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, and tension headaches. Treatment usually involves a combination of psychotherapy to address the underlying psychological factors, and medication to manage physical symptoms.
Toxic Masculinity
The unwillingness and inability to just feel the uncomfortable physical sensations in our bodies has caused more suffering in the world than all the wars humanity has ever fought.
— Erick Cloward

One of the ideas I want to explore a little is toxic masculinity, which for me, is one of the most damaging things in our culture. Toxic masculinity is a cultural construct that refers to harmful and restrictive norms associated with masculinity, such as the suppression of emotions, aggression, dominance, and the expectation of being tough and unemotional. 
The inability of men to manage or sometimes even to feel their emotions is one of the most damaging behaviors in society. These toxic norms can lead to negative behaviors such as violence, bullying, and the objectification of women, and can result in negative consequences for both men and women. When men are unable to deal with their emotions in healthy ways, those emotions don’t just disappear. In my own experience, the more I try to suppress or ignore how I feel about something, it doesn’t just go away. In fact, it usually feels like it gets worse. It’s very much like a pressure cooker building up steam, until it finally finds a way to release all that energy.
Toxic masculinity contributes to poor mental health and a limited expression of individuality. When you are unable to manage your emotions, then your ability to feel the fullness of being human becomes highly limited. Toxic masculinity is not synonymous with masculinity itself, but rather represents a narrow and harmful definition of it.
I remember one time in college I was having a discussion with some friends about how men really have very few emotional states. At the time, I was of the opinion that men had about 5 emotions: Happy, okay (neutral), anger, fear, and sadness. The reason I thought this way was because my own emotional repertoire was very limited. Because of the emotional toxicity in my own home and the culture I grew up in, the range of emotions I knew how to safely handle was very limited.
When I was married, my ex wife often ask me how I felt about something. When I would respond with just one the 5 emotions I mentioned earlier, she would ask if I felt anything deeper, if I had a broader range of emotions. I would try to dig deeper, but often found that I really didn’t know what I was feeling. 
There were two aspects to this. First, I often just shut off emotions I didn’t know how to deal with. This meant that the range of emotions I allowed myself to feel was pretty limited. Second, if there were other feelings outside of happiness, sadness, fear, or anger, I often couldn’t recognize them, and didn’t have the words to express how I felt. This often led to unresolved emotions which would come out in expressions of fear and anger. 
Riding the Waves
The more you know about your feelings, the more power you have to direct them. 
— John F. Demartini
So how do we  get better about feeling our emotions? What can we do to improve our ability to regulate our emotions, rather than try to suppress or avoid them? 
We need to become masters of feeling. We need to ride the waves our emotions.
Have you ever watched big wave surfers? They’re pretty amazing to watch. When you see a master surfer out on the ocean and a big wave comes along, they get nervous and excited. Sure, that big wave is scary, but it’s also thrilling, and the more time they put themselves in the path of these waves, the better they get at riding them. And it’s the power and the energy in that wave that makes it exciting to ride. 
  I like to think of emotions like waves on the ocean and we’re all surfers, and we are not allowed to get out of the ocean. These emotional waves are going to come at you whether you like them or not, which is pretty much how life is. 
So you have choice. 
When these waves come a long you can try to avoid them. But if you spend your whole life not learning how to deal with your feelings, those waves are still there and will still pull you under and knock you over, especially you’ve never really learned how to handle them.  
Or, you can decide to try and get on that wave when it comes along. You’ll get knocked over sometimes and it’ll feel like you’re drowning. Sometimes you’ll get on the board and start riding the wave and make some progress only to fall off and biff it. As you get better at riding the waves of your emotions, you’ll find you’re able to handle even larger waves and come out the other side feeling the thrill of handling yourself in a way that is so much healthier. You’ll even start to look forward to all emotions that come your way because you know you can handle them, and they make life feel so much richer and fuller.
Practical Steps

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
— Kahlil Gibran

The first thing is to recognize that emotions are natural. Every single one of them, so rather than fear them, we should welcome them. We need to recognize that we’re going to have positive and negative emotions, and that we should welcome both of them. We can’t cancel out the dark or negative ones and only accept the positive ones. And the thing is, we want to feel all the emotions in our lives, and not just the positive ones. There are times we want those negative emotions, such as grief, for example, when someone close to you dies, or feeling the heartbreak at the end of a relationship.
Second, we need to recognize that emotions are just a feeling, a physical sensation, a vibration in our body. They can often feel overwhelming and terrible, but that vibration in your body is not going to kill you, even if your mind is trying to convince you otherwise.
Third, is that when we have an emotion, the best thing we can do is to step right up and do our best to embrace it. The more we try to avoid or suppress it, the longer it will hang around. The healthiest and honestly the fastest way to deal with emotions is to feel them. The harder we try to avoid emotions, the longer they stick around. Emotions don’t go away, but will show up in other ways. When we stop resisting, we allow our mind and our body to process how we are feeling, and let it move through us like it’s naturally supposed to. 
The last thing to remember is that emotions show up in physical ways, and processing them is a physical act. We need to find physical ways to let them through. I know for me when I’m feeling an incredibly strong emotion, positive or negative, I will often cry when I just let it pass through. It’s what I need to release all that energy, and afterwards I feel so much better. I may feel tired, but I usually feel calm. I feel clean like I’ve just purged a whole bunch of heavy energy which was weighing me down.
Learning how to manage and regulate our emotions is a skill we all have to learn if we want to live our best lives. Emotions are a fabric of our lives, and are not something you can avoid. Try as you might, those waves are going to keep on coming for as long as you’re alive. So you have a choice. Are you going to try and avoid them only to get pulled under gasping for air, or are you going to turn into the wave, ride it like a pro, and feel the fullness of your life?
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