Stoic Coffee Break

Anxieties can only come from your internal judgement.

— Marcus Aurelius
We all have things in our lives that seems to stop us from completing things that we really want to do. Often, these things aren’t even all that big but end up being show stoppers nonetheless. Today I want to talk about why it’s important to pay attention to the things that get in your way, and some possible ways to get around them.
The other day I was listening to the Hidden Brain podcast and they were talking about the idea that we get stopped from doing things by obstacles that we don’t even really notice. We spend a lot of time and energy on adding fuel to our efforts, such as improving our skills, or spending more time or money, but we miss the small and sometimes seemingly trivial things that are really hammering our progress.
So what do I mean by friction? Friction is anything that slows you down from completing your task. Friction is different than an obstacle in that an obstacle is something obvious and very evidently in the way of completing your task. Friction on the other hand is usually something smaller, subtle, and much harder to figure out. 
As a simple example of friction, if you’ve ever been ice skating, a zamboni out on the ice is an obstacle. It is something clearly in your path and something that you’ll need to go around. A rough patch of ice is friction, and while it doesn’t stop you it can slow you down and make your time on the ice much slower. 
Why is it easier to add fuel than it is to remove friction? Fuel is obvious. Fuel is resources. Whether that’s time, money, effort, it’s the necessary elements that make up whatever it is you’re working on. It’s things that can be added. If you’re trying to send a rocket into space, adding more fuel to lift you out of Earth’s orbit make sense.
Friction on the other hand is usually something small. They’re usually hard to detect, and may time a lot of time. Often we ignore it as well because each one in and of itself may not be a big deal, but cumulatively several small frictions can add up, and have just as much impact as an obstacle. Back on our rocket analogy, this would be like removing every possible bit of weight that you could from your rocket and payload. 
Adding More FuelOften times when we’re trying to work on or improve something, we do so by adding fuel. This often is the easiest part because we know what we need to add to something. By this I mean we put more effort into it, push harder, or maybe add more resources. But often times, what is foiling our efforts is not that we aren’t putting enough time or energy or money into something, it’s that we aren’t examining the things that are in the way. It’s not that we need more fuel, it’s that we need to remove friction.  
Understanding that sometimes adding more fuel sometimes can actually be detrimental was a lesson that I learned while I was training for short course triathlons. A triathlon for those that don’t know, consists of swimming, cycling, and running, and while I’m not a great runner, I found that swimming was probably the most challenging aspect. When I first started out I could do 500m in about 20 minutes. Just on my own I was about get that time down to about 16 minutes, but it didn’t seem to matter how hard I swam, I couldn’t cut any significant amount off that time. 
Then I purchased a book on how to improve my swimming technique, and as I read through all the different pointers, there were two small changes that had a giant impact my time. The first one, was that I needed to reduce the amount of drag that I had in the water by changing my stroke just a little more to the center of my body. Basically, reaching right over the top of my head, rather than to the side. This small change help me be more aerodynamic, and flow through the water a little more smoothly.
The second change, which seemed most counter-intuitive, was that I needed to slow down and use less strokes for each lap. At first I thought, this was crazy, but I tried it and bam! I found that by trying to trying to slow down and use less strokes, my strokes became longer, which helped center my body, and more efficient because less movement also created more flow in the water. By shaving off 2-3 strokes per lap in the pool, I dropped my time closer to 10 minutes.
ResistanceIn his book, The War of Art, Stephen Pressfield talks about the idea of Resistance. Resistance is the opposing force in any creative endeavor, or any endeavor to improve ourselves. To me, Resistance is the mental friction that keeps us from doing our work and accomplishing our task. Whether it’s composing music, writing a novel, starting a company or non-profit, or even just trying to get back in shape, Resistance are the blocks that our minds put into place slow or stop our progress. 
Pressfield defines it like this: 
Resistance comes arises from within. It is self-generated and self-perpetuated. Resistance is the enemy within.

The thing about Resistance is that it happens to everyone. Those people that are most successful know this. They get that is not something to be feared, but understood. They don’t run away from their enemy, but study it, learn it’s tricks, and find ways to counter every move. 
The path of least resistance is a terrible teacher. 

— Ryan Holiday
The Path of Least ResistancePart of why we often make the choices we do is because we tend to follow the path of least resistance. When we come up against a challenge, we tend to choose the easier way through. If you’re walking in the woods, you’re more likely to follow a path that others have already created. When we work on achieving our goals or making personal changes we will also take the path of least resistance, and that’s not always a good thing. If we’re trying to change our diet but we don’t make it easy for ourselves to follow our new plan, then we’re likely going to fall back on old eating habits because they’re much easier and require a lot less work. For example, I know some people who will batch cook meals one night a week so that they have healthy meals every day of the week, rather than trying to come up with some each night that fits into their diet.
Figuring out what is friction in your life is not an easy task. There are so many small things that keep up from stepping up and doing the thing that we want. Sometimes it’s a lack of confidence. Maybe it’s a lack of skill. Maybe it’s a thought pattern or anxiety that keeps us from making the first step. Whatever it is, the more we can do to reduce the friction that we have in our lives, the better off we’ll be when we work on pursuing the things that we want.

Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions – not outside. 

—Marcus Aurelius
Recognition So how can you tell what items are friction and getting in your way of not accomplishing what you want? Often times it can be found when listing out why you are struggling with something. It usually starts with some something like, “I can’t x because of y”. For example, I have friend that gets anxious driving and parking downtown. In their minds they think, “I can’t meet up with friends downtown because parking is so stressful.” In a case like this doing things like finding a parking garage on a map, taking an Uber, or carpooling with a friend is a way to reduce friction of meeting up with friends. 
PerfectionismI think one of the most pernicious and most obvious forms of friction is perfectionism. It’s the idea that if we can’t produce something that is good enough or follow our plan well enough that we shouldn’t even try. I know that when I sit down to work on music I will often get overwhelmed because I know that most of what I create that session won’t be very good, at least not at first. This is something that even though I’ve created music that I like, such as the theme to this podcast, I still struggle every time I sit down at the piano because of the pressure I put on my self. 
DistractionsOften we have things that distract us that keep us accomplishing our tasks. There are plenty of things that are easier to do than to put the work in. Our phones, Netflix, email, the internet, are all distractions that can keep us from working on things that we want. These aren’t bad things but we need to be honest about if we are using them to distract us from working on things that we want. Often these are things that feel productive, like answering emails or reading up on something for work. But are they really? Sometimes we do these things because we feel like we are doing work, but we’re not progressing towards our goals. We’re not moving the needle.

Never let people who choose the path of least resistance steer you away from your chosen path of most resistance. 

—David Goggins

Social CostsSometimes when embark on changing something in our lives we may find that the social costs are something we don’t want to pay. Sometimes this can be our friends or family might not approve of what we want to do, so we avoid doing it, even if we know that it is good for us or it’s something that we want to do. I’ve read that sometimes people are often sabotaged by partners or family members when they want work on losing weight or getting into shape. Other people may not want the us to change, because it may mean that the relationship will change. For example, if one partner is losing weight the other partner may feel threatened because they don’t want to change their eating habits, or they may feel if their partner loses weight and gets into shape, that they may no longer be attractive to the partner that has changed.
Another big example of where let friction stop us from moving forward is our careers. We will often stay at job that we are unhappy with because the friction of finding another job and leaving is too great. We will stay in a field we don’t like because planning out and learning new set of skills can feel overwhelming. It can often be a simple as the idea of taking the time to update our resume seems like too much work, or setting up an account on a job site feels like too much of a hassle. 
Reduce FrictionSo how do we reduce friction in our lives? I think the biggest thing that we can do is to simply recognize the friction. Once we recognize it, then we can work on strategies to reduce or eliminate the friction. If we suffer from perfectionism, then we can treat our work or tasks as times of play and curiosity, and reduce the pressure to have some to good to just having something at all. If we are easily distracted, we can work to create a distraction free space. If we’re getting friction from our partners or friends, we have frank conversations with them and ask for their support. We do anything that we can to reduce the friction. 
When I started this podcast, I found that a friction point for me was that I felt like I didn’t know how to record voices very well. I had been composing music in Logic Pro, so I could use audio software reasonably well, but using a mic to record my voice and make it sound good seemed so overwhelming that it kept me from doing it. So instead of using my expensive equipment, I used my iPhone for significant portion of the first episodes. Once I felt more comfortable with my process, I moved over to recording in Logic, and continued to improve my skills at mixing and recording my voice. 
ConclusionEach of us is going to have different points of friction for the things that we work on in our lives. Often we don’t even recognize what these things are, and in doing so, we may be missing small things that keep us from accomplishing what we set out to do. We may be trying our hardest and putting in extra effort, but finding that we are still falling short, or even digressing. Recognizing and removing the small things in our way can often have the largest impact, 
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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, join us over in the Stoic Coffee House. The Stoic Coffee House is a community built around the ideas of stoicism and the Stoic Coffee Break  podcast.
Also stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“To be always fortunate, and to pass through life with a soul that has never known sorrow, is to be ignorant of one half of nature.”

― Seneca
Life is never meant to be kittens and rainbows. A good portion of our life is going to sadness, disappointment, and failure. In this episode, I want to talk about how being too positive can actually be bad for you. 
Toxic PositivityOne of the interesting topics I’ve been hearing about over the past few months is the idea of toxic positivity and interestingly enough, I’ve heard stoicism mentioned in the same breath. This was a bit perplexing for me, because I don’t see stoicism as something that ignores the challenges in life and pretends they aren’t there. In fact, for me, stoicism is about trying to see and accept reality as it actually is, which makes it easier to manage life. But as I read a bit more on this, I can see why some stoic principles can be misrepresented in such a way that they encourage toxic positivity.
What’s So Bad a Being Positive?First of all, what is toxic positivity? It’s the idea that you should only think positive thoughts and not let yourself think negative thoughts or emotions. Often we do this and project a positive image, even when we don’t feel positive. Basically, it’s emotional repression. It’s not allowing yourself to feel what you feel, and it discounts what other people are feeling as well. It comes across as inauthentic and fake. According to Tabitha Kirkland, a psychologist and Associate Teaching Professor at University of Washington, “Toxic positivity is a way of responding to your own or someone else’s suffering that comes across as a lack of empathy. It dismisses emotions instead of affirming them.”
While there is nothing wrong with trying to see the positive side of things, toxic positivity is about suppressing the darker side of life. It’s about ignoring reality, and pretending that everything is just fine. And the thing is, life is not always happy. There is going to be sadness, heartbreak, failure, and all kinds of uncomfortable emotions. In fact, in my experience, when I try to avoid negative feelings, my life is often harder and causes more issue than if I just learned how to deal with them. 
So how does stoicism get warped to support this idea of toxic positivity?
Being StoicI think the biggest problem is that the term stoic has come to mean someone that doesn’t feel emotions, that they repress their emotions. I think this has done a great disservice to stoicism as a whole because it’s not about turning off your feelings. We all feel emotions, but a stoic works to acknowledge those emotions, and to take a moment in between what they feel, and decide how they want to respond, rather than just react. And because of that practice, the person managing their emotions doesn’t react in a way that most people would. They take their time to slow down, see how they feel, process those emotions, and decide how they want to respond in a situation.  
Toxic positivity means that people will simply ignore how they feel in a situation for a number of reasons. Maybe they don’t want to upset others, or they find it challenging to sit with uncomfortable emotions. Maybe they grew up in a family where they were to repress darker emotions and to put on a happy face. Toxic positivity is just another way of pushing away uncomfortable emotions from ourselves or others with a fake smile. 
I think that this is really the opposite of stoicism. For me, stoicism is about being in touch with how you feel about things. It’s being exceptionally aware of your emotions, how your body feels, your gut instinct. It’s not about ignoring these things, but being so aware of them, and so in touch with them, that you know how to handle them in any given situation. Being stoic is not about ignoring feelings, but being so in control of yourself that you can acknowledge and manage them in a healthy way. 

PerspectiveAnother way that I think the toxic positivity gets mixed up with stoicism is that the stoics teach us that our perception is how we give meaning to the things around us, and this meaning influences how we feel about things. We should take time to be aware of our perceptions so that we are sure that we are reading a situation correctly. Often our perspective is wrong and we respond incorrectly, so doing our best to be sure that our perspective serves us, and our observations are correct, we can change the meaning we give things. This doesn’t mean that we can simply decide that something isn’t dangerous and suddenly it’s not. For example, if we see someone coming at us with a knife and an angry expression, we can’t just decide that it’s safe and everything will be fine.
There are plenty of situations where changing our perspective is useful and we can choose how we want to react when we feel those emotions. For example, if someone is insulting us and we decide we don’t really care about what they have to say, then it’s pretty easy not to get riled up about it. It doesn’t mean that we don’t call them out for being rude, or point out that what they have to say is offensive. The parts that we control are whether we are offended and what we do about it.
You gotta know happy - you gotta know glad
Because you're gonna know lonely
And you're gonna know bad

— Mark Knopfler
Good and Bad EmotionsAnother problem comes in when we make judgements about whether the emotions that we feel are good or bad. I want to propose that no emotion is good or bad, it just is. Are some emotions difficult to handle? Yes they are, but that does not make them bad. And the thing is, life is going to be full of all kinds of emotions. You will not feel happy all the time. There’s going to be sadness, heartbreak, and sorrow. And they’re all okay, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling these things. In fact, learning to appreciate all these emotions makes you a more full human being. I mean, if someone close to us dies, do you want to just be numb to it? Grief is exactly what we are feeling, and there is nothing wrong with feeling grief. Grief is a challenging emotion, but it’s not a bad emotion. I know for me, as much as it sucks to go through these difficult emotions, repressing them and ignoring them is far worse. 

Life is SufferingHow do you combat toxic positivity?
The first of the four noble truths the Buddha taught was that there is suffering, and that there is no way to escape it. We will get sick. We’ll feel pain. We will feel sorrow, and loneliness, but when we accept that there will be suffering in life, then we are already on the path to enlightenment. We make room in our lives for all the emotions we feel, not just the positive one. Think of it this way - if we don’t expect life to be perfect and we assume that things are going to suck and we’re going to get bruised and battered, then we are better able to manage when things are difficult.
And the thing is we shouldn’t being trying to avoid the more difficult emotions. A good way to think about this is that if you aren’t failing at something, you’re not taking any risks or growing. If you haven’t had your heart broken, then you are not trying to love. 
Self ValidationWe all need to have our experience validated. By ourselves, and by others. Now when I talk about validation, what I mean is that we need acknowledgement of our experience. It does not mean that we need others’ approval. By acknowledging what we’re feeling and talking about what we are feeling, we are able to own our experience. When we share this with another person, they help us validate what we feel. Often what we feel may not make sense, and we may not like the feelings, but it is what we feel. It could be completely irrational, or uncomfortable, but it does not mean those feelings are bad. They just are. The better we get at acknowledging what we’re feeling and sitting with them, the better we can deal with setbacks. When we just “try to stay positive” and pretend that everything is fine, we’re not acknowledging the truth of the situation. In fact, what we’re doing is lying to ourselves. 
When I got divorced, I really struggled for a while. While I knew I would get past the feeling of loss, I still grieved for the loss. I missed seeing my kids every day, and putting them to bed at night. To say the least, it was uncomfortable and, at times, painful. There were times I felt incredibly lonely. There were times I’d drop my kids off at their mom’s house and I’d come home and cry in my empty apartment. But I knew that if I just pretended like everything was okay, then I would not only be lying to myself, those emotions would probably show up in other, more destructive ways. 
Sharing FeelsJust as important as feeling our feelings is validating others’ feelings. I think that a big reason many of us find dealing with our emotions so challenging is because we’re often taught at a young age that some feelings are off limits. When parents or peers tell us things like, “Stop crying, everything is fine”, or “it’s not a big deal”, basically we’re being taught that what we feel is unimportant or wrong. What we need in this world is more validation from each other. 
When another person talks to us about their feelings or about their experience in the world, if we are constantly trying to put a positive spin on things, we are not acknowledging their experience. If your friend is feeling awful after a breakup, failed at something that was important to them, don’t minimize how they’re feeling. Let them feel it, and share it with them. And validating does not mean that we have to just agree with everything they say. It means that we acknowledge their experience. We acknowledge they feel sad or angry or hurt, just like we would if they were happy. 
ConclusionDealing with emotions is always challenging, and I think that as we progress as a society, we’re learning more and more how not dealing with emotions in a healthy way is not a way to live an authentic life. Any time that emotions aren’t dealt with, they crop up and cause issues in other areas of our lives. Learning to feel all your feelings and manage them helps you to live a richer and deeper life.


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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, join us over in the Stoic Coffee House. The Stoic Coffee House is a community built around the ideas of stoicism and the Stoic Coffee Break  podcast.
Also stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Brief is man’s life and small the nook of the Earth where he lives; brief, too, is the longest posthumous fame, buoyed only by a succession of poor human beings who will very soon die and who know little of themselves, much less of someone who died long ago.

—Marcus Aurelius

We’re not really here that long, and we don’t really matter that much. Nothing that we do lasts. Eventually, you will fade. Your works will fade. Your children will fade. Your thoughts will fade. These planets will fade. This sun will fade. It will all be gone.

—Naval Ravikant
Each of have our own struggles in life, and at the time they can be overwhelming and epic. But when we take a step back to look at the things that are troubling us through the macroscopic lens of eternity, then our troubles can seem to be rather small and fleeting. 
Since most of us live in space where many of our physical comforts are taken care of, it leaves more space for mental challenges. We have more things to juggle in our daily lives than people did 100 years ago. More of our work is spent in our minds rather than in our bodies. We have more time to read, think, and ponder and to work on improving who we are, and cultivating the personal attributes we want in our lives. The challenges we face are often mental constructs that we create ourselves. Putting them in the long perspective of humankind helps us to have a more holistic view of our lives.
This is not to say that they aren’t important and challenging, but more to gain some perspective to help us see past this moment, this hour, this day. When we can see our problems on a longer timeline, we can recognize that one day none of it will matter. It can free us up to make a choice and move forward.
What things are you struggling with that seem larger than life? How does looking at the longer timeline change how you feel about it and does it change your plan of action?

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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, join us over in the Stoic Coffee House. The Stoic Coffee House is a community built around the ideas of stoicism and the Stoic Coffee Break  podcast.
Also stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What kind of privileges have you had in your life? Do you recognize the advantages that you have enjoyed? In this episode I want to talk about privilege, and how the stoics encourage us to use the privliges we have  to improve society.

One cannot pursue one’s own highest good without at the same time necessarily promoting the good of others. A life based on narrow self-interest cannot be esteemed by any honorable measurement.  Seeking the very best in ourselves means actively caring for the welfare of other human beings. Our human contract is not with the few people with whom our affairs are most immediately intertwined, nor to the prominent, rich, or well educated,  but to all our human brethren.


— Epictetus

What advantages have you benefited from in your life? Maybe you were born into a wealthy or middle class family. Maybe you are part of the majority race or ethnic group in your community. Maybe you were born with some talent or physical attribute that gave you advantages that others don’t have. We each have different privileges that have nothing to do with anything that we do or have done, or whether or not we deserve or don’t deserve them. 
Before we dig into this any farther, I want to state that having privileges is not a bad thing. They are simply things that you got that you didn’t have to work for. For example, if you are white and male in America, you have certain privileges that you gain simply by the color of your skin and your sex that others don’t have. 
There is nothing wrong with having privileges! 
We all have things help us, that give us some kind of advantage. Whether that’s other people, circumstances, or talent, there is nothing wrong with admitting that we had help along the way. For example, would the fact that your parents could afford the best education for you diminish your accomplishments in your chosen field? Not at all. It just means that you had access to resources that plenty of others don’t. 
What I take issue with is if you are unwilling to acknowledge them and recognize that others don’t have the same privileges as you. Some people act as though their privileges are something that they deserve or earned, or they don’t even notice that they have them to begin with. We need to acknowledge them and be willing to help those that do not have access to the same privileges that we have.

“The Stoics believed in social reform, but they also believed in personal transformation. More precisely, they thought the first step in transforming a society into one in which people live a good life is to teach people how to make their happiness depend as little as possible on their external circumstances. The Stoics would add that if we fail to transform ourselves, then no matter how much we transform the society in which we live, we are unlikely to have a good life” 


— William B. Irvine


While many aspects of stoicism are about taking personal responsibility, we often forget to examine how we should use what we learn to improve the world, and to help those that may not have had the same advantages. In fact, one of the four highest virtues of stoicism is justice. Because the world is not naturally a fair and just place, it is up to us to help make the world more fair and just. That people aren’t denied opportunities simply based on external factors such as where they were born, or their skin color, or sex, which all things that we have no control over. 
What good is working on yourself to be a better person and not using what you have to help society? We’re all in this life together and there is so much that we can do to make this place better for everyone. The stoics lay it out very clearly that humans are social animals, and part of our purpose in life is to help others and to use what skills and advantages we have to improve society as a whole.
So let’s use me as an example and talk about some privileges that I have enjoyed in my life. I’m white and male and was born into a middle class family. My parents both had college degrees, my mother was an English teacher and my father was a software engineer. My mother stayed home and took care of us until we were all in school. Because of my parents’ emphasis on learning and books, I was reading before kindergarten. Because my father made pretty good money, I never had to worry about having enough to eat or having good clothing. They supported me in all of my extracurricular activities, such as soccer and theater. These advantages that I had made it easier for me to excel at school. 
Because I’m white and male, I’m paid more than those who are another race or gender. I don’t worry about my safety when I’m pulled over by the police for a traffic stop. It’s easier for me a to get a loan on a house or a car, and my interest rates will be less than someone who is not white. When I’m walking alone at night downtown, I don’t have to worry nearly as much about my safety as a female. There are plenty of privileges afforded to me that I don’t have to do anything for.
When I was in college, I worked at a customer service center for a credit card company. One day I was talking to my friend Danny who worked there about why we had some many people who had emigrated from Mexico but did not speak English. Danny was from Spain and spoke 5 languages, far exceeding my meager bilingual status. I asked him why these people who had lived in the US for decades had never learned English, but I spent two years in Austria, and spoke fluent German. I assumed it was just because they were lazy, giving into the stereotype that is often attributed to Mexican immigrants. Danny looked at me and said, “Well, think about this way. Many of these people barely have an elementary school education and can barely read. How easy to you think it would be to learn another language if you could barely read your own?” 
I was very humbled at that moment because the thought had never occurred to me. I recognize that the high quality education that I received made it much easier to pick up another language because I could read things as simple as a German-English dictionary, as well as higher level books about German grammar. I had also taken German in high school, so I knew a lot of the basics years before I ever set foot in Austria. 

“For as these were made to perform a particular function, and, by performing it according to their own constitution, gain in full what is due to them, so likewise, a human being is formed by nature to benefit others, and, when he has performed some benevolent action or accomplished anything else that contributes to the common good, he has done what he was constituted for, and has what is properly his.” 


— Marcus Aurelius


In America we have a really strong streak of so called rugged individualism, and I find that concept very problematic. I hear people talk about how they are self made, that they achieved their success in life by themselves, and I find that argument simply ridiculous. We are all dependent upon other people. When we’re born, we are 100% dependent on our parents or caregivers. There is no way that we are not dependent on others. If we didn’t have others helping us, we would never make it past childhood.
We are all better off when we help each other. You probably drink the clean water that is provided by your city. You drive on the roads that were built by your city or state. You may have gone to a university that was partially supported by the state. You rely on the fire department that is funded by your city or county. These are just a few examples, but simply put, when we pool our resources and find ways to support and help as many people as possible, then we are all better off. When others in your community succeed, then your whole community is better off, and that means you get to live in a better community, which in turn makes the world little better.
The reason why Stoicism is incompatible with racism, misogyny, bigotry, and hatred of others for things outside of their control is that because we are only responsible for the things we can control. No one can control what family they were born into. No one can control what race or sex they are born. Therefore, we cannot hold others responsible for what race they are born and hate them for it because they cannot control it. 
Each of us is born into circumstances that we can’t control. We do not choose the family that we’re born into, the color of our skin, or our sex. Maybe we are born into money and have opportunities that others could never even dream of. Maybe we have some kind of gift of intelligence or natural physical or athletic skill that sets us apart from others. We all have different advantages and disadvantages in every area of our lives, and the more we share and support each other, the better the world is.

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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, join us over in the Stoic Coffee House. The Stoic Coffee House is a community built around the ideas of stoicism and the Stoic Coffee Break  podcast.
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Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.
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Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.

– Marcus Aurelius
Are you afraid to tell others what you really think or how you really feel? In this episode I want to talk about the idea of radical candor, and how committing to being honest about what you think and feel is one of the most challenging but rewarding things you can do. 

Radical CandorLet year I watched the TV series Picard, and one of the more interesting things I like about it was that there was order among the Romulans who follow a code of absolute candor. I really liked this idea because they do their best to be as truthful as possible, and they hold themselves to a high standard of being responsible for everything they say.
But radical candor is more than just saying what you think. It’s about being honest about how you feel about things. You’re not only being honest with others, you’re also being honest with yourself. And if you’re being responsible for everything you put out into the world, it gives you the opportunity to examine what you really think and feel about a situation.

Say What You MeanWhen you decide to adopt radical candor, you speak clearly and honestly. You say what you really mean, and you mean exactly what you say. You don’t obfuscate or toss out ambiguous statements. When you don’t know something, you simply say you know, and you don’t pretend like you have all the answers. 
FearSo why don’t we practice radical candor as a society? Because we’re afraid of what other people will think of us. We’re afraid they might get upset by what we have to say, or they may no longer love us or they’ll possibly disown us. I know that in the culture I grew up in, I was afraid to say what I really thought about a lot of things at church because I was afraid I’d get in trouble. Questioning church doctrine was something that was frowned upon in the mormon church. If something didn’t make sense or was contradicted by evidence, you were told that you just needed to have more faith and trust the leaders. Asking too many questions made people uncomfortable. It was more important to be loyal than to be honest.   
Lying Some might think that radical candor would not be a good way to live your life, because we all have to “lie” from time to time to smooth things over. That if we went around telling the truth, we would simply ruffle too many feathers. Let’s consider lying from a stoic perspective. Is it okay to lie? What is the purpose of lying to someone? The purpose of lying is to deceive someone. When you lie to others, you are trying to control them. You are trying to make them feel something, or spare them from feeling something. You are trying to control or influence their actions based upon getting them riled up or upset, or convince them that situation is something other than it is. I would say from a stoic perspective, we should not lie.
HelpfulSometimes, one of the most heartbreaking things for me to watch was American Idol. With thousands of contestants wanting to give it a shot, there were often people that would get up in front of the judges who clearly could not sing. Often it was Simon that would be the bearer of bad news and let them know that they didn’t have what it takes to continue on. But what was more heartbreaking than watching Simon put the kibosh on their dreams was the fact that no one close to these people ever took the time to be honest with them. If someone had stepped in earlier and said, “Hey, do you really want to be a singer? Then I would recommend finding a good singing coach.” That would have given them time and opportunity to develop the skills needed to compete.

Self-control is the chief element in self-respect, and self-respect is the chief element in courage. 


—Thucydides


In PracticeSo what would radical candor look like in practice? Does this mean that you would just be sitting around singing Kumbaya and sharing your feelings? Sure it could mean that. But in a more practical sense, it means taking time to think about what you have to say. When interacting with others, are you saying what you really think or feel or are you just running your mouth to fill the space? Are you expressing yourself clearly or are you leaving things vague and open to interpretation? The main reason behind radical candor is honest and clear communication. 
Radical candor is about respecting yourself. It is about recognizing that you have the right to your own thoughts and opinions. It means that you when someone asks for your opinion about something, you do your best to be honest every time, even if it makes you or the other person uncomfortable. It means that you stand by the things you say, and just as important, that you take ownership of the things you say. You don’t change your opinion just please someone else, or try to spin things so they don’t upset some other person. 
Not a WeaponAn important thing to remember is that radical candor is not a weapon. It is not an excuse to be an ass because you’re “just being honest”. It is not forcing your opinion on someone else or to shut down discussion by digging in your heels because you “have the truth”. Radical candor is about open and honest communication. It is about giving our honest opinion about something. It is about trying to express the world as closely as you see it. It’s telling your truth with clarity and compassion.When you share your opinion about something, just remember it is just your opinion. It does not mean you have to tell the other person they are wrong. You can hold a different opinion than someone else. They don’t have to agree with you, and it is always possible that your opinion is incorrect.
ReciprocationIf you plan on adopting radical candor, then you need to be open to the being on the receiving end. In fact, you should welcome others to speak openly and honestly. Think of how your relationships would improve if you encouraged others to honest about what they really felt? There would be less having to guess what someone “really” means. There would be less miscommunication with other people because you are focused on trying to communicate clearly. It would engender a greater sense of trust because others would know that you really wanted to know what they think or feel.
BoundariesRadical candor is also how you set boundaries with other people. It means that you're honest about what you are willing to do or not do, and what is acceptable for how others should treat you. 
PrivacyNothing says you have to tell everyone everything that you think or know. You can always choose not to share your opinion. If someone presses you to talk about something that you don’t want to, you can let them know that this is a topic that you are not interested in talking about. This is being honest about what you think.
ConfidenceProbably the hardest part about absolute candor is the fact that it takes confidence to say what you really think and feel and stick with it. If you’re not used to having your opinion heard or you’re insecure, then stepping up and voicing your opinion can be downright scary. But the more you step up and state what you think and feel, the more confident you’ll become. It becomes a virtuous self reenforcing cycle. 
And the thing is, you’re probably going to ruffle some feathers, especially if there are people in your life that you have previously hidden your true thoughts and feelings from. There are people who may not like what you have to say. But if they don’t like the real you, why would you want to spend time with people that you have to pretend to be something other than who you really are?
ConclusionAdopting a practice of radical candor is difficult. We’re trained from an early age not to upset others and to do our best to fit in. But when it comes down to it, when you hide what you really think and feel, you’re being deceptive, and you’re not letting others get to know the real you. It signals to other people that you don’t trust them with your thoughts and feelings. And this is something that I’ve really had to work on. I’ve had to let go of trying to find the right thing to say or the right opinion to have. But in doing so, my most important relationships have gotten much stronger because I’ve committed to trusting them with the real me.

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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, join us over in the Stoic Coffee House. The Stoic Coffee House is a community built around the ideas of stoicism and the Stoic Coffee Break podcast.

Also stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don’t demand or expect that events happen as you would wish them to. Accept events as they actually happen. That way peace is possible. 

— Epictetus

What if you stopped resisting what life brought your way? What if you could cheerfully accept everything that came your way? How would that change the way you showed up in the world? This week I want to talk about the importance of dealing with what is, and not what we think it should be.
The stoic idea of Amor Fati, to “love your fate”, is often a confusing topic. Did the stoics mean we are victims of fate, and that we do not have freewill and we should just accept what happens to us? I mean doesn’t that just make us victims? 
 I don’t think so. I think what they meant was that life, fate, is going to happen to us no matter what. Unless you’re dead, there are things that are going to happen in your life, and you have no control over them. And because they are going to happen to us, whether we like it or not, we can either resist and complain, or we can accept that this is how life is happening to us, and flow with what happens. 
Wisdom lies in cheerful acceptance of whatever life throws at you. 

—The Ancient Sage

Should Be vs. Could BeWhen you focus on what you think “should be”, you are wishing for the world to be something different than it is. You are projecting your expectations on the world. You are chronically unhappy because the world will never change to meet your expectations. You judge everything by what you think it should be, not what it is. People are not doing the things you think they should. Events aren’t happening like you think they should. When you think about how things should be, you are wishing.
When you focus on what “could be”, then you are recognizing the way things actually are, and seeing the potential. You mind can be creative because it sees the possibilities, based on what is there, and what things could become. It gives you a real chance to actually accomplish something because it starts from a basis in reality, rather than trying to bend things to fit our expectations.  
Once you can accept everything for exactly as it really is, especially the things we don’t like, you can be okay with whatever life throws are you. It doesn’t mean that you have to like it. It just means that you acknowledge and accept it. You can see opportunities and potential. You are curious and accepting, and less judgmental.
This is not an easy mindset to adopt. We’re told that we should visualize how we want things to be, and just think positively and everything will work out. While I think imagining the future we want is important, we should be cautious of wishful thinking. 
I think a good metaphor would be if you went river rafting and complained about the flow of the river, the curve in the shore, and the challenge of the rapids. If you constantly wanted the river to change so it was more to your liking, then you’re never going to enjoy the river for what it is. You’re going to be upset that it didn’t meet your expectations.
On the other hand, if you simply accept the river for what it is, and appreciate and explore the challenges of the river, you’re going to focus your energies on the best way to ride the rapids, enjoy the lulls of the more placid areas, and appreciate the scenery. You accept what is, and focus on making the best of the situation, rather than wishing for the river change for you.
To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. 

— Eckhart Tolle

ResistanceI think that a lot of our stress comes from resistance. We don’t want to deal with what is, so we find ways to avoid dealing with what is. We may avoid having tough conversations. We avoid doing the hard things, hoping that if we just ignore it, it will resolve itself on its own. But this never works, and it usually makes things much worse. Even just half-assing it doesn’t work. Whatever the excuse is, it’s usually because we feel uncomfortable, and I’m speaking from my experience here.  
For example, if you need to have a hard conversation with your partner, and you avoid and don’t commit to it fully and honestly, things rarely go well. You come up with all kinds of excuses and rationalizations as to why you should avoid having that hard talk, but for any of us that have been in long-term relationships we know that avoiding the problem never makes it go away, and generally makes it worse. If you embrace the hard stuff from the beginning, then it is much easier to deal with. When you let things fester, then it’s not just about the issue, it’s also about avoiding the issue.  
It’s kind of like having an open wound - the more you ignore it, the greater the chance you have of it getting infected. If you take care of it right off the bat, it’s much easier to clean it out and keep it from getting infected. Once it’s infected, then it takes more drastic action to repair the damage, and the greater your potential for causing long-term harm to the situation.
How ridiculous and how strange to be surprised at anything which happens in life. 

— Marcus Aurelius

AcceptSo what can we do to be more accepting of what life throws our way? I think one of the best ways is to let go of our expectations, and do our best to face our challenges head on. When we look at anything that pops up in our lives as just another day in our life and get on with dealing with it, we are better able to deal with it. When we complain, avoid, or ignore, we are not only wasting time, we are also putting ourselves into a mindset where we are even less able to deal with it effectively. If we look at each challenge as something we can learn from and build our skills, then we are using our time more effectively, as well as priming our minds to approach it with a more effective mindset.

Self-AcceptanceI think another key area of accepting life as it is, is to accept ourselves as we are. For those of us that work hard to improve ourselves, we also need to remember that we have all kinds of expectations about ourselves that are often detrimental. There is a lot that we want to accomplish, and we can see the person who we want to be, but I think that we often make plans and set goals with this perfect ideal of ourselves in mind. If our plans expect us to be operating at our best, or some ridiculously idealized version of yourself all the time, without room for being at our worst, then we’re going to suffer a lot of failures in our lives. I think we need to recognize not just our strengths, but also our weaknesses, and work within what we can really accomplish, not just what our ideal selves can accomplish.
Remember, self acceptance it not about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about being realistic about what you can do, and who you really are. It also removes a lot of shame for not being something other than what you are. It’s a recognition that a lot of the ideas of what you should be are not yours, but are those given to us by family, religion, society, and other external influences. 
Conclusion Learning to accept life and ourselves and stop resisting what life hands us is not a simple task. But learning to be realistic about how things are and how we really are, can help give us a perspective about the potential of how things could be. When we work from a base of “what is” it’s more likely that we are able to realize our potential, and not get stuck in wishful thinking. 
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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, join us over in the Stoic Coffee House. The Stoic Coffee House is a community built around the ideas of stoicism and the Stoic Coffee Break  podcast.
Also stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests. 

— Epictetus
Do you think that life is meant to be comfortable? Do you make choices in your life to take the easy path and avoid discomfort? If so, then you may not be living a life as full as you could. 
So much of our lives are built around convenience. This extends to so many areas of our lives - the way we eat and shop, the way we find entertainment, even how we date. We want things to be easy. We complain when things are hard. We whine when things don’t go how we want. So much of the technology that is created and sold in our lives is all about convenience. But are were short changing ourselves by taking the easy path?
Too many people believe that everything must be pleasurable in life. 

— Robert Greene

The Long RideWhen I was really into cycling, I would take off work every other Friday morning and head out on a solo 72 mile ride. I simply called it “The Long Ride”. I would ride out to one of my favorite coffee shops, have a ham, cheese, and egg bagel sandwich for lunch, then head out to finish the long loop all the way home. It would usually take me about 4 to 5 hours, and when I got home, I’d crash for a few hours, then go pick up my kids from school. Some people thought I was crazy, but I loved it. It was right after my divorce and I had little money to take a vacation anywhere, so it was what I used my vacation time for. 
Riding like that did several things for me. It was a way for me to push myself to my edge. When you ride a distance like that, you have to know how to pace yourself so that you have enough energy reserved to make it home without calling a friend to come pick you up. You push yourself to your edge to see if you can climb those hills a little faster, or increase your pace across a flat stretch of road by 1 or 2 miles faster than last time. Testing yourself, increasing your strength, or on tough days, just making it back home always created such a feeling of accomplishment.
It was also my Zen time. It was my time for thinking and working through the challenges I was facing in my life. It was also a time when I could just focus on being in the moment. When you’re flying along a country road on a warm summer day with legs pumping, lungs breathing in the air scented with raspberries and clover, you hit this flow state where everything feels perfect. It’s one of the most energizing and amazing feelings in the world. 
Start living in discomfort. Gradually increase it little by little, and you will steadily grow. If you want sudden growth, deluge yourself in great discomfort and do not retreat from it. The more discomfort you are willing to bear, the more you can grow. 

— The Ancient Sage (@TheAncientSage)
DiscomfortTo get to where you can do a long ride and just take off and ride 72 miles in a few hours, you have to put in the work. You have to build the muscle. You have to put in miles on your bike. You have to be able to climb, and you have to learn to pace yourself so that you can make it out AND back home. It’s not something that you can just pick up and do in a few days or weeks. It’s something that you have put in the miles week after week for a few years. Every time you go out, you have to push yourself a little more. You take those hills that you know will hurt. You drop into the lowest gear, and start pedaling, and when you can, you bump it up a gear. You gradually increase that discomfort by taking the hill a little faster than you did last time. You cut a few minutes off your overall time. Discomfort is the currency of success. 

— Brooke Castillo
I think everyone needs something like a long ride that they're working towards in their lives. Why? Because when you practice learning how to face uncomfortable situations in one part of your life, it makes it easier to face uncomfortable things in another area. You learn how to find your edge, and how to push past it. If you have been practicing taking on that hill, one pedal push at a time, you will probably be more willing to sit through a tough conversation that makes you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. 
Now it isn’t guaranteed by any means. Just because you’re great in one area of your life doesn’t mean you’ll be great at another area. I think you need to be mindful about applying skills across disciplines. But if you’ve never really had to work for anything, never pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, then you’re probably lacking the tenacity you need to see things through. 
In fact, since I’ve slacked off from riding over the last few years, I’ve noticed that my tolerance for dealing with challenging situations is not where it used to be. I’ve started training to get back in shape to where I can take my long rides. It’s not easy. I’m nowhere near the shape that I was in, and I’ve picked up some bad habits, especially in my diet, that I need to change in order to reach that level of performance again. I’m also older and have to make allowances for how my body has aged. But I know that the benefits both in physical and mental health that come with  training for my long rides will be worth it. It will take mindfulness to plan workouts and diet, as well as managing my time in order to fit in the training and rides needed. It will take discipline to make sure that I don’t skip training because “I don’t feel like it”. 
Comfort makes you weaker. We need some variability, some stressors. Not too much, but just enough. 

— Nassim Nicholas Taleb
What is Your Long Ride?So what is your long ride? What is the thing that you want to get better at that you know the only way to do it is to put in the work? Maybe you want to bench press your body weight or break your personal record in running a 10k. Maybe it’s coding your own application or starting a business. Maybe it’s learning how to speak another language or sing in front of other people. Whatever it is, are you putting in the hard work? Are pushing yourself to your edge, strengthening those muscles, whether physical or mental, and building the skills? Or are you just putting the bare minimum, trying to fool yourself that somehow your minimal effort will be enough? Or maybe not even pursuing it at all and leaving it for “someday”?
If there is something that you’ve been wanting to do, but keep putting it off, take a look at why. What is it that keeps from doing it? What are you afraid of? What excuses do you tell yourself so you keep pushing off working on your long ride? Maybe you’re scared because you might fail. Maybe you’re scared that you’ll succeed. And I’m sure, like all of us, you can come up with all kinds of excuses. There is never enough time. There is never a perfect time to get started. 
Start with something small, such as setting aside a little time each day to come up with a plan. Once you have a plan, start doing the plan. Make the steps just a little more challenging than you think you can accomplish. Make sure that with each step, you’re just a little outside your comfort zone. Every now and then, really step out of your comfort zone and stretch yourself. Maybe that’s an extra 10 miles on your ride or an extra 5k on your run. Maybe it’s picking out a song that you’re scared to sing because it’s a little out of your comfortable range. 
ConclusionA life in search of comfort is life spent taking the easy path. It is also a life where you never know what your full potential is, nor do you push yourself towards reaching that potential. Find your long ride and working towards pushing to your edges. It’s only when you step out of your comfort zone that you find that growth, and it’s in the unfamiliar that you find new possibilities. 
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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, join us over in the Stoic Coffee House. The Stoic Coffee House is a community built around the ideas of stoicism and the Stoic Coffee Break  podcast. You'll meet your fellow Stoics, and have a place where you can share your life experiences and what you've learned along the way. Also stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Some things are within our power, while others are not. Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing; not within our power are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, whatever is not of our own doing.

— Epictetus
One topic that I revisit on the podcast repeatedly is how important it is to control the things that we can’ and let go of the things that we can’t. For me, this is one of the most important lessons we can learn in our lives. In this episode, I want to talk about how we be more mindful of what we can, and what we cannot control.
What Do You Control?According to the stoics, we control very little. Mostly, we can control our thoughts and perspective, our choices, and our actions. Everything else is outside of our control. For many people, the idea that we are so small, powerless, and insignificant is an unsettling thought. 
Two SidesI like to think of control as two sides of the same coin. If you are controlling the things that you can, and letting go of the things that you can’t, you are being effective and respecting yourself. You are the master of yourself. If you are trying to control the things that you can’t, like other people, or the circumstances that you are facing, then you are not controlling what you can, and you are wasting time and energy. You can’t control yourself and external things at the same time. You can do one or the other.
BlameMany people are very unsettled because they have so little power in their lives and it makes them very anxious and angry. They want to feel like they have more control. They don’t like the fact that they have so little power in the world to influence things. They feel like their lives are not under their control. The most interesting thing is that most people I’ve met who feel this way ironically choose to blame other people for all the things they are unhappy about. They may blame their partner, their parents, immigrants, the government, the weather, bad luck, the devil,… and the list goes on. Rather than do the hard work of being responsible for themselves, their emotions, their choices, they blame other people. 
VictimWhen we choose not to control the things that we can, we are allowing ourselves to become a victim. When we have options in front of us we could take, but we don’t make a choice or take an action, then we are at least partially responsible for our situation. And I say partially, because we may be in a situation that we don’t like, but may have done nothing to get ourselves there. If we are in a car accident because of someone else’s recklessness, we may have an injury that we are not responsible for, but how we approach our recovery is up to us. We may not recover back to full health because there are things outside of our control, but how we see and act in our lives despite these challenges is always our choice. 
FateSo what about things that we don’t have control over? This is where the idea of control dovetails with Amor Fati, that we love our fate, meaning that fate, circumstance, life happens to all of us, whether we like it or not. We don’t have control over what life sends our way. We have control over how we respond. It may be true that you a victim of circumstance, and that you are suffering from something out of your control. Natural disasters, political upheavals, and wars, for example, are all things that have profound impacts on us we have no control over. These things also limit the choices and opportunities that someone may have. I consider myself lucky that I have never had to live through any of these kind of events, which makes me even more empathetic to those that have had to suffer through them. I hope that if I were ever tested with any of these, that I could put stoic teachings into practice. 
Other PeopleOne of the most frustrating things we struggle with in life is other people. If other people just acted in the way that we wanted, life would be so much easier! But that’s the thing, it never does, and people don’t always act the way want them to. When we learn to let go of trying to control other people and their thoughts and actions, and focus on showing up in the world how we want to, then we can let go of what other people do or think. We can focus on what we do and think. We can make our choices, and take actions that are inline with our values, regardless of what other people are doing, and we can be the person who we want to be no matter what is happening around us. 
The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own.

—Epictetus
MindfulnessSince we have so little that we control, what can we do to maximize our influence? What can we do to be more effective with the things we have control over? I think that much of it comes from mindfulness - that we are in control of, and aware of, our own minds. If we are not paying attention to the thoughts in our minds, it makes it very challenging to understand why we make the choices and take the actions that we do. Meditation and journaling are still two of the best methods for understanding the workings of our own minds.
PracticeWhen we’re in a challenging situation, we need to understand how our mind works, and that we have practiced how we want to respond in any situation. When I was first starting out college, I was enrolled in the musical theater program. I wanted to be an actor and a singer, and a big part of being good at that was rehearsal. When cast in a play, there were weeks of rehearsals in order to perform our best. Sometimes it was very challenging. Long days of school followed by running lines and practicing dance numbers or staging was exhausting. And the thing was, that we certainly did not get it right the first few times. Often, we would have practiced a dance number dozens of times, night after night, to the point where I would almost be annoyed by the music and the dance moves. But as soon as we hit opening night and show started, there was an excitement night after night as the hard work that we put in showed up on stage. And even then, each performance got a little better. 
When we take the time to think through and imagine how we want to behave in certain scenarios, it can go a long way towards helping us develop better responses in difficult situations. You can do this in journaling by writing out how we want to act in a given situation that comes up in your life. 
BoundariesOne of the best ways for us to exert control over what we have control over is to set boundaries. Setting boundaries is a way for us to clearly explain to others, and ourselves, what we will and will not accept. It teaches others how we want to be treated, and it helps us maintain our own inner equanimity. Boundaries are not ultimatums, but are ways to clarify how we wish to be treated, and when others are not willing to respect those boundaries, we have set clear responses of what actions we will take. We may excuse ourselves and leave the situation. We may limit the time that we spend them. We may cut off contact altogether. These are all about communicating what we need and will accept, and following through with those commitments to respect ourselves.
ValuesWhen we are clear about our values, and the kind of person who we want to be, it makes it easier to show up in the world the way we want. When we have decided who we are and are very clear in our mind about who we are, then what other people do and what circumstances we find yourself in matter very little. We are who we want to be; we uphold those values, and stand by our principles, regardless of what others do. If our values and actions change base upon others, then we are not in control of ourself. We are allowing them to control us.
ConclusionWhen you are facing a challenging situation, recognizing what you have control over and acting upon those things is not a simple task. It is something that you will probably fail at. I know I do often. But when I take the time to think through the kind of person who I want to be, and imagine and rehearse how I want to handle myself, I usually do a much better job. It really comes down to knowing yourself, recognizing what you can control, and taking actions that align with who you want to be. 
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Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
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If change is forced upon you, you must resist the temptation to overreact or feel sorry for yourself. 

— Robert Greene
How often do you feel that life is unfair? That something happened that you think should not have happened to you? Maybe someone hurt you and you want them to fix it? Today I want to talk about blame and responsibility.

One thing we learn in stoicism is that there are a lot of things outside of our control. In fact, most things are outside of our control, and we have a tough time with this idea. We want life to make sense, to be predictable, and usually, to work out in our favor. 

A Just WorldOne problem this brings up is that we assume that the world is fair. There is actually a bias called the Just World Hypothesis. Basically, because we think the world should be just and fair, we act like it is. This causes issues because then we feel like the world should automatically fix things when they aren’t fair, that there is some magical universal power that will right all the wrongs. But the things is, the universe is not just or fair, at least what we might consider fair, and to pretend otherwise is to ignore reality. 

The idea of a just world pops up in a lot of areas of our life. Some are pretty clear, where as others are more subtle. For example, when someone dies, we’ll often hear it said that they died too young, or that it wasn’t fair how they were taken. Why was it too young? Why wasn’t it fair? Is there some prescribed age or way that we are supposed to die? When we think something is unfair, we are really saying that we had some expectations and what actually happened was different that what was expected or wanted.

RevengeI think our desire for a just world is part of why we enjoy revenge stories so much. So many of the stories and plays from as early as the Greeks and Romans are all about the villain getting their just desserts. How many Shakespearian tragedies revolve around the desire for revenge? I admit I love a good revenge fantasy movie like John Wick because it feels good to see the hero take out the bad guys who “deserve” it. These all satiate our desire to see those punished who we think deserve it.

You can change it, you can accept it, or you can leave it. What is not a good option is to sit around wishing you would change it but not changing it, wishing you would leave it but not leaving it, and not accepting it. 

— Naval Ravikant
Not Our FaultIn our personal lives, there will be a lot of things that will happen to us that are not our fault. We may get sick. We may lose our job. Someone can break our heart when they end a relationship. Maybe we end up in an accident that leaves us crippled for the rest of our lives. These are all things that are not our fault. The blame for them may well lie outside of ourselves, because we did not have control of all the factors that led to any of these outcomes. We are not at fault or to blame, but it is our responsibility to do something about it.  When we don’t step up take responsibility for the things that we control, then we are victims. 

AccountabilityNow when I talk about taking responsibility for things that happen to you, I don’t mean that others should not be held accountable for the things that they do. If someone is to blame, to your best to hold them accountable. We all need to do our best to hold each other accountable for our actions. If someone was driving while intoxicated and they crash into your car and injure you, we should hold them accountable for their actions. If your business partner embezzles funds from your company, we should prosecute them. If there are systemic issues such as racism or misogyny that keep you from advancing in your career, those issues need to be addressed. Taking responsibility for fixing what is wrong does not mean that those who are to blame should not be held accountable. 

But with that said, you should not sit around wallowing in your misery, being angry or depressed and waiting for someone else to come and fix things. Don’t expect other people to make your life whole again. Don’t leave it on them to fix what is broken. When you do that, you are giving away your power and allowing yourself to become a victim. Do your best to hold them accountable while doing your best to improve your life and make the best of what you have.

CommunityAnother example of how we may not be to blame, but need to take responsibility for something, is in areas of our society. This last week, I was chatting with a friend of mine about his efforts to bring awareness of the racist past of his city to help bring diversity and equity so that the minority population would feel more welcome. In doing so, he has stirred up resistance from people who rather that these issues just remain in the past. They don’t want to talk about the explicit racism that was part of his communities’ past. Many feel it is not something that needs to be discussed because they personally are not racist, so bringing up the past is about things that they didn’t do, so they are not at fault. 

And yes, it is true it is not their fault. They personally did not do these things that happened in the past. But I believe that being part of a community is to be responsible for doing my best to help right the wrongs of the past of the community that I belong to. Because if I am not responsible, then who will be? Someone else? There are so many things in this world that are not our fault, but if things are going to change, they are our responsibility. Just as when we talked about personal responsibility, we need to understand that there is also communal responsibility. If we are not willing to step up and hold our community responsible for bad actions, then it allows bad things to happen and to be excused simply because there wasn’t a person that could be held individually responsible.

Here is a rule to remember in future, when anything tempts you to feel bitter: not ‘This is misfortune’, but ‘To bear this worthily is good fortune.’ 

— Marcus Aurelius
Bear This WorthilySo what can we do to be sure that we don’t fall into this trap? I think foremost is to separate blame from responsibility. I think the hardest part is that we can get stuck on the idea that because someone is to blame for what happened, we also think that they should fix it. And maybe they should fix it. But if we don’t step up and do what we can do, then we can stay stuck where we are waiting for someone else to solve our problems. We become a victim.

The second part is doing our best to be honest about our situation, and the choices we have. We may not have a lot of choices, but we always have some choices. We can always take some action to move ourselves forward. Our heart may be broken but it’s up to us to grieve and to work on healing. Our lives may be radically altered from a car accident, but we have the choice of how we’re going to face our future. We’re going to have to face it anyway, so why not take ownership of our attitude and our mindset so that we can make the most of what choices we have.

ConclusionThings are going to happen to us in our lives that are unpleasant, uncomfortable, and often just down right awful. That’s just part of living. Sometimes, it’s just going to suck through no fault of our own. But we always have a choice and take responsibility for our own lives, even when someone else is to blame.

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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, head on over to patreon.com/stoicoffee and help support this podcast by becoming a patron. Also stop by the website at www.stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.
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Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It is wrong always, everywhere, and for anyone, to believe anything upon insufficient evidence.

— William K. Clifford, Ethics of Belief
We all like to think that we are wise, that our opinions are well thought out, and that we’re smart enough to spot when we have inconsistent beliefs. Today I want to talk about why believing something without sufficient evidence is wrong, and that idea that how we come to a belief or a conclusion is more important than whether the belief or conclusion is correct. 
WisdomOne of the four virtues of stoicism is Wisdom. Wisdom is not just the acquisition of information, but the skill of properly applying the knowledge that we gain to make better choices and actions. It is our job to learn, to see clearly, and act upon the truth, but even more important than reaching the correct outcome, is having a correct process of learning and discovering the truth. 
William K. Clifford was an English mathematician and philosopher in the late 1800s. He wrote a well thought out essay called “The Ethics of Belief”, in which he discusses how it is immoral to believe something without evidence, even if you end up being correct in your belief. But why is it so important to make sure that the process we use to form beliefs is sound? Because if you come to a belief based upon faulty evidence, then you can’t be sure that next time you use the same thinking that you’ll get to the correct outcome. Basically, you may think that you are smart because you got it right, but you didn’t. If you use the same thinking process, you may not be as lucky. Having a correct process helps you to be more consistent and to reach correct or more correct conclusions, more often.
Say, for example, you have a friend who is in the same math class you’re in. Your friend is an average student, and on a big test, they get a perfect score. Shortly after, you hear a rumor that your friend cheated on the test. You have no proof of this, nor do any of the people you talk to have any tangible proof, beyond their own speculation that the only way your friend could have done so well on the test, was to cheat. You decide to accuse your friend of cheating, and report them to the teacher. 
Let’s look at the possible outcomes. Let’s say that your friend did not cheat, and after they are cleared of any wrongdoing, you retract what you said and try to make amends. You may have spoiled the friendship because you accused your friend with no actual evidence, other than the rumors spread by others. 
Let’s say your friend did cheat, and you feel vindicated because you were correct. But should you? No. You are just as wrong as the first case because you made an accusation with insufficient evidence. It was just by chance that you ended up on the right side. You had no evidence to reason through that your friend had actually cheated. Based on the evidence you had, you made an assumption; you guessed. You had no right to come to the conclusion that your friend had cheated on the test. This is dangerous because once you have been “correct”, you are less likely to question yourself the next time because you guessed correctly this time.

Show me someone for whom success is less important than the manner in which it is achieved. Of concern for the means, rather than the ends, of their actions…I want to see him. This is the person I have looked for a long time, the true genius. 

— Epictetus
Process Over OutcomeWhen we reach the correct answer but have an invalid process, we have not learned how to make better decisions, so we actually do ourselves a disservice. If we don’t understand why we’re correct, or at the very least admit that we just got lucky and guessed correctly, then we will never create a framework that helps us to be successful consistently. 
For example, often entrepreneurs will get lucky. They’ll have a lucky break that may not have anything to do with them. Perhaps the weather happens to ruin their chief competitor. They’ll attribute their success to something else, such as their own brilliance or the superiority of their product, and are unwilling to attribute it to the luck of circumstance that broke in their favor. They may not really understand the lucky break that helped lead to their success. They think because they were successful once they know how to be successful again. 
No real belief, however trifling and fragmentary it may seem, is ever truly insignificant; it prepares us to receive more of its like, confirms those which resembled it before, and weakens others; and so gradually it lays a stealthy train in our inmost thoughts, which may someday explode into overt action, and leave its stamp upon our character for ever.

— William K. Clifford, Ethics of Belief
Beliefs Lead to ActionWhy is it so important that we don’t hold on to beliefs that are incorrect or based on insufficient evidence? The beliefs that we hold, even illogical ones that we think are just our private beliefs, influence the choices we make and the actions we take in our everyday life, and some that can have pretty serious consequences. 
An example of this how beliefs can impact the choices people make can be seen in when we look at vaccines and the pandemic. People have been fed a steady diet of how they should distrust the government, usually by politicians for their own benefit - though I find it disingenuous because these politicians are usually seeking reelection, so they’re the ones running things. This continuous disinformation campaign from politicians, pundits, talk show host, and others with a hidden agenda has eroded trust in the institutions that are in place to help us a society weather such events.  
As we’ve seen cases of the Delta variant climbing higher over the past few months, it comes because of this distrust. We see that 98% of those dying from Covid are unvaccinated, and it’s not because the vaccine is not available, but the majority are refusing to get vaccinated because of the distrust they have in the government and its institutions, distrust of science, or distrust of vaccines. 
Because of this belief that they hold, evidence that is presented is filtered through this distrust. Experts who have spent their lives in the service of humanity, who have dedicated their careers, are dismissed as unreliable, or even threatened for presenting evidence contrary to this belief. 
If someone is able to show me that what I think or do is not right, I will happily change, for I seek the truth, by which no one was ever truly harmed. It is the person who continues in his self-deception and ignorance who is harmed.

— Marcus Aurelius
You Want to BelieveSo what are some of the reasons we believe things without sufficient evidence? When we come into this world, we are given a world view, a belief system from our parents, our religion, and our culture. This is not necessarily a bad thing. We’re taught traditions, beliefs, and stories about how the world is, and it’s how we learn how to function in the world. Where we run into trouble, is that most of us are brought up not to question the world around us. We get in trouble for not simply obeying the rules, and often shamed for asking questions about things we don’t understand. 
In my own experience, I was taught that obedience to the church leaders was more important than anything else. I always found the idea of blind faith troubling, because it makes abuse of power very easy, and we have seen this happen time after time. Also, to me it makes a mockery of god. If god just wanted me to just be obedient, why did he give me a mind that wanted to find answers, to question things that seemed illogical, and try to make sense of the world? When I was told to ignore evidence because it went against the teachings of the church, it made me distrust the person teaching it. They were telling me to ignore my own sense of reasoning, logic, and to just take their word for it. 
Now, religion is not the only place where we see misguided beliefs that are not questions. There have been plenty of beliefs, ideas, and theories taught in schools or treated as common sense that were taken as fact. There was no proof, but because they have been around so long, were just assumed to be true. For example, for centuries, women have been treated as if they were mentally inferior to men in science, art, literature, music, and many other fields. Because of these ideas, women were denied education, careers, and often treated as second class citizen, all because of a belief that they just were not on the same level as men. This allowed those in charge to point out that there were not a lot of prominent women in as proof that this was true, all the while ignoring the fact that women were denied opportunities to make any contributions, thus creating a self reinforcing belief. It has taken a lot of hard work for our society to move past these ideas, and we still have a long way to go.
On a personal level, we often create beliefs about ourselves because they were things we were told about ourselves, or conclusions we came to through faulty thinking. Maybe we think we’re not very smart or creative because our parent told us so. Maybe we believe we don’t deserve to be treated respectfully, because we’re been treated poorly by others. One that I struggle with from time to time is that I’m not worthy of being loved because I lose my temper. There are plenty of beliefs that we adopt because our brains try to make sense of the world around us. 
If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.

—Epictetus
It's Okay to be WrongSo how to do we get better at challenging our beliefs? I think probably the most important aspect is that we need to be willing to be wrong. This is probably the hardest part. When we feel we are right about something, it feels good and we feel confident. We don’t like to be wrong because it feels uncomfortable and scary. So we avoid being wrong at all costs. 
And how do try to avoid this? We’ll avoid admitting we’re wrong by discounting evidence that we don’t like. We’ll reinterpret or spin things in a way that shows our position in a more favorable light. We’ll double down on our position. We’ll get angry, which is a way to manipulate others to support our position. We’ll deflect and try to blame others for their shortcomings.
When we get comfortable knowing that we’re going to be wrong a lot, we can avoid a lot of anxiety and stress. We can be humble and think of ourselves as seekers of knowledge, not as the fountain of truth. 
I think one of the best ways to start is to get comfortable with this is practice incorporating some of the following phrases into our language.
“In light of new information, I’ve changed my mind.”


“From the evidence provided, it looks like I need to rethink my position.”


“You make good argument. I’ll consider what you said.”


“I never thought of it that way. Thanks. Now I will.”

Once we are willing to be okay with being wrong, then we can take the time to ask more questions about our belief. 
Where did I learn this? Who did I learn this from? What are their motivations behind promoting this belief? Understanding the source of this belief can help you be aware of conflicts of interest from others and yourself. 
What evidence is available to support this belief? Are there scientifically rigorous studies, or experts in this area, that can help me learn more about it? We don’t suffer from a lack of information in this world. We suffer from a willingness to look objectively at that information and follow where it leads us, even if we don’t like the results.
How does this belief help me? Understanding this can help us see why we might unconsciously hold on to a belief. Often we want to hold on to a belief because it helps us. Maybe we find comfort in it because the alternative is too uncomfortable or scary. Often, just asking this question alone can help us see that a belief does not serve us, and we can work on letting it go. 
ConclusionThe beliefs we have about the world guide our choices and actions. Doing our best to put our beliefs through a rigorous process can help us reach better conclusions. And even when we are correct, we should be willing to always work on refining our process of testing our beliefs. It is not enough that we have the correct answer. More important is how we got there.


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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, head on over to patreon.com/stoicoffee and help support this podcast by becoming a patron. Also stop by the website at www.stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.---
Hello friends! Thanks for listening.
Want to take these principles to the next level? Join the Stoic Coffee House Community! 

Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram, twitter, or threads

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.
Thanks again for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.