#StoriesAboutSongs

1)Devise a plan. Check.

2)Commit to said plan. Check.

3)Acknowledge challenges. Check.

4)Seek help. Check

5)Celebrate the small wins. Check.

6)Fully embrace who you are and who you are becoming. Check.

That’s the album, song by song, thus far. Although that’s all happened in the span of six songs, it’s really a reflection of my life. More specifically, it’s a snapshot of my life since 2015, the time when things started taking that turn that eventually led to me deciding it was finally time to make some life changes, including therapy.

When I decided to go to therapy, I took it very seriously. And like with anything I’m passionate about, research ensued; reading old journals, writing down memories, talking to family, and making extensive notes before each session. We only touched on a fraction of those things in sessions because it was also helpful to let the conversation go wherever it did naturally. However, the notes were still useful, because the work never was intended to start or end at therapy. To me, that was just like the rejuvenation station. I always felt like the work was on me, so I used those notes on my own.

I haven’t thought of this exact terminology until this precise moment to be honest, but I guess I view this album a bit like an Opera…it’s musical theater to me, or my version of it. When you get to a key act in a play, sometimes there’s a flashback moment, or a review of the key central antagonist or challenge at hand. That’s what the start of “Private Eden” is. Also, important to note, when I started writing this, I had no idea where it was going. It really was starting out unintentionally being a continuation of “The Things I Often Ponder”, but once I noticed that, that is when I came up with the concept and a way to shift it somewhere else.

“Private Eden” is a representation of a personal paradise that we all have access to, it’s just a matter if we are willing to brave the journey to get there. That’s what I’ve spent the last 6 songs (or 52 years…) preparing to do. It’s not a physical place, but I do recognize that sometimes a change of environment is just what we need to jumpstart some of those big changes. “Private Eden” is, simply put, finding peace of mind and comfort in who you are, and knowing what you want and what makes you happy. However, in the song, I’m describing it as a physical place, and at the “twist ending”, I’m skydiving out of an airplane to touchdown in my personal paradise. As I activate my parachute, I’m looking around at the environment.Then, the song ends as I reach the shoreline of this beautiful paradise.

LYRICS:

Far too often life is exhausting

Plagued with problems

And those who caused em

Escape unscathed or play possum

But I’m in tune frequencies beyond the five senses

And I’m not into playing games or trying to ride fences

Principled but sensible enough to know

Black and white aren’t the primary colors of the status quo

(No, No, No)

Lines are blurred, so grey is the shade preferred

Especially when you’re known to have a way with words

And humankind can be so absurd

So I’ll greet death with open arms when that day occurs

Until then I’m building my strength to go the length,

No matter how long it takes, I will win

Or die trying, for my dreams vying , I’m not lying

From my cold dead hands you will have to pry em

And, I got fortitude and can’t afford to lose

And know loss could come from any door I chose

As far as motivation, I’ll give one reason

Living life is so much more than simply breathing

I refuse to live paralyzed by fear and lies

Instead I chose skydiving into paradise

Feel wind press against uncovered flesh

Free fall then pull the cord across Your chest (YES!)

All the while marveling at the scenery

Clear water, lush flowers, endless greenery

And once your feet touch down on the fertile ground...

Peaceful silence is the only sound

That’s the feeling of creative freedom

Receiving your deed and a free crop of seeds to your private eden

​​The transition from “So Far I… (On Safari) to “The Things I Often Ponder” is one of the most jarring on the record. That’s intentional, trying to capture how those moments feel in real life. Although I’m committed to this journey, know what I need to do, and have a solid plan of how to go about it, there’s no denying that it is difficult to stay focused and to continue to move forward, especially with so many obstacles.

For the lyrics I wanted to be as direct as possible, leaving nothing to be figured out, for the most part. This song is about all the various things taking place in the world, the way that humanity is evolving, or devolving as I propose, and the effect it has on my (our) mind state. Or, as I put in the song, “The internet has my peace under siege…”. I originally wrote and recorded this to a Curtis Knight (featuring Jimi Hendrix) loop, but wind up not fully liking how it was working, and almost removed this song from the album completely.

For about 20 years, I lived in Minneapolis. As a result Lori Barbero and I would cross paths occasionally, including DJing at least one gig together at the Varsity Theater. Before we met, I became familiar with Babes In Toyland from who Iwas dating at the time, Tina, who was a Punk Rock/Riot Grrrl fan. And, while that’s how I first remember hearing Babes In Toyland, it wasn’t until last year that I decided to listen to the full Babes In Toyland catalog, and it was an EXCELLENT experience. I love the raw sound and emotion of their songs. In general, the sound of a lot of Punk Rock, in the vein of Babes In Toyland, matches the emotion of the music I want to make. The primary difference is their songs are generally more uptempo, and I want things way slower, which is what I did to “You’re Right” here. So, a song I was going to remove is now one of my favorites, at least in some ways. I love when that happens.

LYRICS:

If you’ve been under a rock, well, here’s a news flash

We’re in a time where every moment’s like a car crash

Though that’s a figure of speech, I wouldn’t call it a reach

The internet has my peace under siege

We’re each free to choose what we believe

But also face the consequences of our deeds

We have the right to fight for our needs

Or work a job for our wants until our soul bleeds

The choice is yours, stay the course or venture off it

Succumb to demonssssss, or search for prophets

And it may seem like I’m drifting topics

But there’s a common thread within the semiotics

I usually leave to it interpretation, but from this hurt I’m facing

I feel the need for some explanation

The way the world is going I expect damnation

So, I’ll take a revolution or just a revelation

Those are prime components to capture moments

And if I make a mistake, I try to own it

Strive to hone it, seek atonement, make it a positive

Because leaning from your flaws is the way to live

That’s just basic humanity, sans the vanity

IE the fragility of sanity

I ain’t trying to live trifle, or sit by idle

Distort the Bible to justify what I do

And if you’re paying attention, these things I mention

Are the roots to the problems of this failing system

Hence the tension, and apprehension

We’re in the time of a lack of comprehension

Critical thought is scarce, it's all untruths and dares

While politicians just exploit our fears

I need to shed some tears

I think it’s been some years

But I bet if I reflect, closer than it appears

And I don’t cling to the past, I am He who remains

Every moment in time, it still flows thru my veins

I keep past aligned with my present

So my future plans stay incandescent

It’s my North Star, I push thru the worst parts

So I excel, my first car

And, as the world turns, I watch these racists

Get so bold, I have to fight for my place in it

And, I’ll admit I need to get more than physically fit

And I sure can’t win the war with just the use of my wits

I think the is problem is we’re devolving

Dulled endorphins

These are the things that I ponder often

The previous track outlines some of my greatest challenges, and now it’s time to get some help processing it. I’ve always been interested in human psychology, so I’m not exaggerating when I say that one of my life goals was to be in therapy. However, despite all my trust and belief in the profession, for various reasons, not necessarily good ones, I never acted upon that interest.

All of that in mind, “Helping Hand” is about the idea that seeking happiness is likely not intended to be a solo effort. I consider myself both an introvert and extrovert, but my path, along with the state of the world these last few years, has led to me being more cut off from people than ever before. This song is trying to remind myself, and others, that as hard as it may be to find at times, there are helping hands out there. Then, in 2017, I finally completed a life goal and went to therapy. My therapist was great, and was able to help me fit the puzzle pieces together that I had…an oversimplification, but it’s the best I can explain it.

It’s a very powerful thing to take a life that has been often filled with anxiety, depression, and a struggle trying to accept I’m viewed as so “different”, and to be able to turn into a piece of art that I’m so happy with. That said, in the song I say, “We talked the past and the present, it mostly wasn’t pleasant…”, and I sincerely hope people understand that I’m saying that the things I talked about in therapy were not pleasant, but the experience itself, and my therapist, was everything I hoped it would be.

LYRICS:

Always searching for more ways to open new doorways

To new worlds, explore them in new ways

This ain't a new phase, this is a true case

Of waiting for the perfect moment...to fill a blank space

For any negative energy in my headspace

I achieve a coup de grace with grace

Kill it instantly, in the interest of me

I haven’t gotten there yet, but eventually....

Making music is therapy,

I’m aware of the fact, despite that, it may not bring clarity

But it’s part of the process, plus it cost less

Then doctors, looking for Loch Ness, with lots of tests

Trying to finnnnd out what the problem is?

And at best, you might be left with a best guess

But If I find the cure in the form of medicine

Tie me to an IV and just let it in!

Till then, I place my faith in psychology

When you find the right one it’s like striking the lottery

So thanks to N. Ruppenthal

Gave me insights into my own life, and not for nothing y’all

I sat in sessions and answered questions and made confessions

And tried to listen to the lessons without second-guessing

We talked the past and the present, it mostly wasn’t pleasant

But she gave me perspective, it was a sound investment

I took advice and applied it to my life…

Then disappeared like a thief in night

That wasn’t my intent and I intend on making it right

Won’t be content until I finish paying the price

Like fire and Ice, I’m forging such a beautiful sight

In the form of my life, captured in the words that I write

I’d like to invite you to take stroll thru my soul

But please leave as you came so I remain whole

The main goal, is try to retain control

And then find those special moments just to let it go

Of course you know, if it’s real it will come back again

Unless mind pollution keeps that from happen'n

So, Keep you...mind clear, try to sideline fear

and if you need a helping hand, well indeed , I’m here

Building on that feeling from “What Is Yours?”, I wanted to keep that same 80s/90s battle rap energy, experimenting with changing up the patterns a lot. Essentially, it’s me unapologetically letting my weird side out.

This is a straight beat jack, and the beat is a song from Toronto Hip Hop pioneers, Rumble And Strong. The song is called “Crazy Jam” and was on Gee Street in ‘89, and if you think about that time, this sounds a bit futuristic. I’m rhyming over a dub version titled “Rumble And Strong In The Year 2010”, so they were already prophesying that this beat would still work in this era, and although 2022 is still 12 years later, I think it still sounds timeless. I didn’t plan to actually use this beat. I was going to go back and make a beat that had this same feeling, but after I recorded it, I just liked it too much. Plus, there is another reason I used it as is, relating to Rumble, but I’ll do a separate post about that soon!

While “What Is Yours?” is capturing the feeling right after leaving therapy, often that feeling was short-lived. Soon after, some of those doubts would try to creep back up on me, so I would try to do something fun or creative to distract myself and keep those feelings at bay. And, Ego is a tricky thing, both understanding and navigating our own, but also the way we perceive the ego, or supposed ego, of others. However, I think there is, or can be, a fine line between ego and confidence, or just being able to celebrate your wins.

That idea blended with my lifelong struggle with labeled being “different” is the foundation behind this song. When people tell me that I’m “weird”, “unique”, “different”, etc…, it’s sometimes meant as a compliment. Other times, a critique. But, even when it’s meant positively, it’s sometimes bittersweet at times when I feel alone in the world, yet I still want to be comfortable being myself.

One childhood reading experience that has always stuck with me is cereal boxes, and the quote, “Enlarged for texture”. That’s what I’m doing here. I’m over-exaggerating my confidence, from my words, to my vocal approach. It sounds boastful, but it’s mostly not, except “bragging” about being myself and following my own path.

This boost of confidence is intended to prepare me for the important next step…

Imma take this opportunity to let you know

I bide my time when I write a rhyme, take it slow

Make it so that I will never regret

Not even one word spoken, hope'n I never forget

The lessons learned from a life lived of speaking my mind

I’m seeking divine enlightenment, and I’ll never quit

But I’ll admit, I do get off track at times

But that’s fine, even though I can’t rewind

Every day’s a new chance to finally claim what’s mine

I pay no mind, to the pain I left behind

No, I’m lying, I think about it ALL the time

The force that binds my future to the heart of the rhyme

I put 20 years in without seeing a dime

And even after, the money that I made inspired laughter

In lieu of crying, or trying to encourage the hereafter...

The mere matter of fact is I that had to adapt

And when they try to box me in, I brace for impact

Can’t hold me back, I’m breaking boundaries and barriers

And, climbing over walls, defying laws, invading areas

Of my mind that they sought to confine

But I’mma decline and let my deepest parts just shine

And run at least a hundred miles past the finish line

That’s a sign of my mind state, I don’t race to win

I chase the wind to feel it on my face again

All aces in, the tears, they may chafe my skin

So I blend my redemption with the taste of sin

Say amen, praise for the state I’m in

To find the state of mind to create again

I found my dreams in purgatory and we made amends

And I transcend beyond the realms of normalcy

How to be yourself’s the best thing that you could learn from me…

After my pep talk to self on “Silver Lining”, I’m prepared to embark on this journey, this song represents a form of meditation to get aligned with my purpose.

This is one of the few songs that has some actual production beyond loops. However, it was all done on my Pioneer DDJ-200 controller. In 2012, Felipe Cuauhtli of Los Nativos, gave me a breakbeat that he played on live drums, which he titled “Rebirth”. At the time, I was DJing heavily, and a decent amount of those gigs were for, or at least had a prominent presence of, B-boys and B-girls, so this was to be an exclusive breakbeat for those moments.

I stumbled on that breakbeat while working on this album, and decided to try to do something with it. I don’t remember what led me to the Jackson 5 piece, but I found the part I wanted to try to loop before I tried to sync it in tempo with the drums, then before I did that, I noticed how it sounded. It wasn’t on beat in the traditional sense, but it sounded perfect. That’s what I mean in the first line, “Let the drums speak to your soul, while the sample represents a loss of control”, because the drums are strong and powerful and very intentional. Meanwhile, the sample is literally looped in at a random point that just worked, a metaphor for how some things in life work.

I actually tried to recreate this on the S2400, but could never get it to loop perfectly “wrong” again. Luckily when I originally happened upon that mistake, I recorded it straight into the DDJ-220, and loaded the file into Ableton so I could write to it, because I was never able to get it to sound the same. Sometimes the demo version is THE version.

This song is a perfect reminder to trust your instincts. I recorded a full demo version of this album, and I first sent it to a couple people (Jel and Lynn) to listen to on 11-12-2021, and then I sent it to a handful of more people over the next few weeks or so. Everyone who listened to it, AND also responded to me with feedback, commented on that song specifically as a favorite. It’s definitely one of mine as well.

As for the song’s concept, one central theme in my newer music is about being single, and the effect that has had on my happiness. This song blends that into the grander idea of searching for happiness, and some of the aspects that I think are a part of that, which is ultimately about the art of love. The love of artistic creation. The love we share with family, friends, and significant others. The love of the existence of love…which makes the scratch of Rakaa Iriscience of Dilated Peoples, all the more perfectly fitting.

LYRICS:

Let the drums speak to your soul

As the sample represents a loss of control

That’s the life that I know, I’m the type to go slow

In no rush, it’s a must, that I trust what I know

In a sense innocence can be intimate

Once you lose what you love, that’s the end of it

Even if it isn’t, that’s the way I treat it

Nurture it to keep it, keep no feelings secret

I’m open book, but I’ve been overlooked

Now I’m going nova, oh, the time it took

Is never what it seems, no matter how it looks

Applies across the board, just like a rook

This is just the hook, the verse is up to you

This is stream of thought, it’s inertia too

I’m a person who has a certain view

Of the importance of following your purpose through

I’m immersed in truth, riddle my verse with clues

The answer’s there whether it occurs to you

….remains to be seen, my chain's been released

I plan to roam free like a beast through the trees…

Forward to where I’m from…

So, far I have come...

(HOOK)

Forward to my future

Back to where I'm from

Following my path

In tune with the drum (4Xs)

I brave the walk, and when I come out the other side, it’s a beautiful giant open field. The “island” isn’t that big, and I can see the other edge of it from where I’m standing at the end of the tree line on the opposite side. From side to side, I look, and it’s just me and nature. The only appropriate response I can come up with is to just start dancing in the field. This is a celebration. Even if this isn’t the magic answer, I’m going to embrace this moment for what it is.

Ultimately, the problems may not be gone, but now I have a better understanding of how to process and step beyond them. And, I know I didn’t achieve this on my own, so this is also dedicated to those who helped me get to this point.

I’m walking a bit of a fine line in the tone of this song. It’s celebratory, but also I’m still analyzing…a reflection of how my mind is almost always thinking, and very hard for me to shut off in most cases. The lyrics largely focus on me expressing my dedication to focus on self-care, as well as, let go of negative energy and feelings. I also touch on the importance of others in my life, including the power of friendship. But, also how my being “different” sometimes causes confusions and difficulties in those situations.

It comes to a close making the suggestion that even if these are the last days, I’m gonna enjoy life until that time comes. This one was fun to make.

LYRICS:

I’m taking step by step and stride by stride

With all I love as my only guide (4Xs)

I try to focus on proper breathing

Total control of air flow that each air duct’s receiving

Although it’s pleasing, that’s not reason

It’s discipline to calm the savage beast when I’m grieving

I’m not leaving this planet without seizing

Every opportunity given to me, I made that vow recent

And even those who oppose my achievements

You think we’re at odds, hmph, not even

I’m achieving my inner balance

I’ve been about it, some times I doubt it

Lose my place, get re-routed

But every step is a step forward

Even the steps back, and the times that I was stepped over

Thanks for love in my life, it gave my life meaning

Thanks for feeling’s of bliss when I was not dreaming

As it turns out, I often prefer friendship

To be the songbird to my nerve endings

And that could probably use an explanation

But only chosen few are privy to that information

This is an invocation, but that’s a word with different meanings

And MOST apply in this situation

Is which you choose a closer view of me or you?

Who knows? Every case is a new mutation

I knew my patience would pay off with perfect pacing

Instead of dream chasing, I was soul saving

It just so happens that one influenced the other

I’m never losing another moment to insecurities

That’s my priority, not looking for perfectly

A lil bit of happiness that’s perfect for me

And ain't selling myself short, I’m realistic

Sometimes I think my chance came, but I missed it

As far as second chances, and happenstances

Is this the eye of destiny or the mouth of madness?

I suppose it’s a thin line, a matter of enzymes

Creating theme songs for the end times (3Xs)

This was my second MIDI Production Experiment, and it was on done on December 26th, 2021. I decided to get crazy with this one…

This is a beat where absolutely not much happens, but there are still about 3 or 4 “wait for it…” moments, at least for me. In general that was my approach with this EP…creating sometimes subtle, and sometimes not, “wait for it” moments.

The drum patterns just came to me, and I’m guessing it was inspired by the abrasive nature of the drum sounds in that Jarble Kit. Soon as I looped the drums, I could hear an organ sound fitting on there. Perhaps obvious from listening, but I have ZERO music training. I merely push buttons until something sounds right to me. That in mind, I was originally going to only use those two sounds, and make this one about a minute long or less. However, I have been wanting to not get stuck on going back to the same sounds and kits. And, I hadn’t really explored the “Pad” folder in the Instrument Rack of Ableton. I thought the sounds of the Goodby Cassini Pad would be complementary, so I basically recorded it a few times, pushing the buttons “any ole way”, and there you have it. I particularly enjoy when the drums drop out and this ominous sound and organ enjoy a play day together.

To complete, once I did the live arrangement and bounced that down, I took that file and brought it back into Ableton and added an analogue master effect, to give it some more “character”.

This is the beat where I realized that I was creating my form of meditation music, though this one is an exaggerated, almost sarcastic response to that. The wild and sharp drums are not necessarily conducive to relaxing, but that is literally how it feels in my brain all the time, even when I’m just chilling or working. One little idea starts to spawn and the sparks go flying…ha. Are you old enough to remember that commercial, “This is your brain on drugs”, and the sound of a griddle sizzling follows? Well, this is the sound of my brain on a normal day, having some normal thoughts, about generally normal things…welcome to my world.

I made this from being fascinated by, and trying to figure the how and why of my Pioneer DDJ-200 having some limited control over the MIDI sounds in Ableton.

Many, many years ago Mr. Dibbs introduced me to a Thermin, which I may have heard of before, but didn’t really pay attention to. In any event, I got to actually use one for the first time via Dibbs.

I essentially applied a similar approach here, except I had to actually lightly touch the platter to get the manipulated sounds.

I wasn’t thinking about doing anything with this at the time, just messing around, but once I saw the direction this project was going, I thought it would make a fitting outro piece/peace.

As for the title, as I sat and listened to this, ready to close the session, unsure of a title, and time nearing sunrise, amiss all of that, I also remembered that I’m still only on episode three of Lost in Space’s last season, that I’ve waited on for years!! But, my creative mind has just kept me locked in my studio room 24-7 lately. So, as I was creating this personal mediative pieces for me, I was thinking about Robot from Lost in Space, which the original (the show and Robot) was a favorite of mine as a child, and this new Robot on the Netflix series is doing amazing. I don’t even know if it’s an actor or CGI or what, but it/they deserve an Oscar….ha. I’m being dramatic, but I’m a fan is the point.

And, the new Lost in Space Robot reminds of Ultron, and that reminds of other similar beings and my fascination with such, and thus, the title….

This beat is made up of 5 different sounds. The lead bass drum is from the Four AM kit, and the extra double bass hit is from the Ironman kit. The sound acting as a snare is a modified rimshot from the Glas Kit. The main “bassline” is from the Please Rise For Jimi guitar rack, and involves me just pushing two buttons that I thought sounded complimentary, to each other, and the drums.

The sound that’s like a computer-generated songbird in a flower garden from the future, is actually a tambourine from the Percussion Core kit. I actually intended to use the tambourine original sound, but when cycling through the effects, I accidentally created this sound, and I just decided to roll with it.

For pretty much all of these beats, when I finished the arrangement, and needed to close the session, I listened quickly to what the beat sounded like, and that became the title. I wrote this one down one word at a time, and at that time I had not consciously made the discovery that the altered tambourine sounded like robotic birds. I wonder if it did subconsciously influence me to add the word sanctuary in the song title. The other tie-in there, is that I first remember learning about the word “sanctuary” because of It being used on Logan’s Run when I saw it on TV as a kid, so it has this futuristic connection to me, so that ties into the concept as well.

Of all the beats, this is the one I would like to rhyme to the most…I may just do that eventually.

This was the third “beat” that I did for this project. The third “thing” I did was the outro, which is again, me just tapping the platter of my DDJ-200 manipulating some sounds in Ableton.

I was just bugging out making that outro. Plus, after finishing the second beat, and naming it, I was already in the mind state that I was creating the kind of beats that I like to sit around and zone out to. I play these kinds of beats and just sit there and stare into space all the time. So, I essentially wanted to create more of that.

To me, that’s my form of meditation, and it’s a small victory for me because turning my brain off, or even down, is nearly impossible most times. It's one of the challenges I’ve faced in some of the things that I’ve struggled to get better at, like scratching. Because scratching is so meditative, that every time I really try, I just drift off and stop paying attention to what I’m even doing. Sometimes it creates cool moments, but it also gets chaotic quickly. It’s one of the sometimes great/challenging things about my brain.

This song is perfect for the kind of beat that I can have looping in the back for hours while I work. I know because I’m doing that right now, and I almost forgot that it was even on until I typed these very words, because it had me in a trance.

For the drums, I used the Yakiman kit. These have a really ’87 feel to me. I’m going to come back to this kit when I work on this 1986-1987 archive album of mine.

The main sample is the first 12 seconds of the meditation piece a.k.a the outro. I simply played the drum beat for 8 bars, looped it, and then dropped that full outro piece onto its own “audio track”, and it just looped how you hear it without me doing nothing, but simply dropping it to the zero point of the song.

I thought I should add at least one more sound, but I was having a hard time picturing what sound would fit with this. I never would have guessed that a slightly haunting sound of wind being blown over bottles, with a decent dosage of “longest ping pong” delay, would be the perfect addition for anything in particular, but here we are.

I explain the song title in the outro, as this is the Pre-Prise for that sound piece, which is my flip on the idea of a reprise. Technically, in most cases this would be the song, and that outro would be the “Reprise”. However, as people like to remind me, I can be overly literal. I feel like I’ve made strides in that, so this is simply me leaning into that side of me intentionally. So since I created the outro music first, I deemed this must be the Pre-Prise. Even more fitting, which I realized after the fact, based on the title, and the futuristic theme elsewhere on this project, since often when we are introduced to robots in entertainment, they are from the future. So, the punchline here is that this beat appears as track #3 on this project, and serves as a foreshadowing for the outro (track #7), and this was possible because the Robot, lest we forget, also poised in the Lotus Position, is from the future, and was able to make it so.