Streaming Pile of Flix

In the words of special guest Sean David this week's film is a white savior fantasy about a guy who can jump really high and punch really hard. Titular hero "John Carter" is a late 1800's gold prospector who while in search of riches is swept away to Mars. There he proceeds to slaughter 1000's of native martians with his newly discovered superpowers that he obtained simply from being a human on Mars. This film gets a lot right but might try to do too much in terms of story and genre. Some of what's here feels shoehorned regardless of how enjoyable it might be. Nevertheless so much of what is positive about this film is in the nuance which we predictably spoil so make sure you watch the film if you have any inkling to do so.

We just can't stop frolicking in the fertile field of cannon films as we examine the Chuck Norris meh..sterpiece "Invasion USA". While we're not sure you need any more context than "Angry Russian burn victim hates Chuck Norris and freedom" we'd be inclined to offer limited details about airboats, pet armadillos and rocket launchers with limitless capacity. This is a cannon film so you should expect it to be mindless, make very little sense and have relatively poor direction or cohesion. It's surprising that "Invasion USA" manages to be as enjoyable as it is but that's mostly due to the over the top violence and generally enjoyable cast of villains. This one might be a good one to watch first due to a couple memorable scenes that are spoiled fairly early in our discussion.

The original "Miami Vice" television series is widely considered to be one of the most far reaching and influential pieces of media to have come out of the 1980's. The 2006 "Miami Vice" remake starring Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx is not widely considered to be anything other than a monument of failure and wasted potential. It is clearly the latter that we would suffer through in order to bring you the quality podcasting you've come to expect from "Streaming Pile of Flix". In this partially aborted cousin to the beloved television franchise (which doesn't take place in Miami and doesn't feature a suave likable duo of Vice cops) two newly christened FBI agents infiltrate a drug smuggling ring...for some reason I don't really remember. Someone died I think. If greasy and creepy could be packaged and sold Colin Farrell would literally have bought every last can on E-bay like an insane grandmother snatching up beenie babies. If mediocrity were a mid 90's pseudo energy drink made of slug excrement director Michael Mann catered the entire shoot with countless rows of fold out tables covered end to end with Surge. If spoilers are what you avoid maybe put a temporary cork in it to take a listen to this episode, it's a good one.

On the one hand, I'm shocked that any streaming service on earth paid the no doubt meager sum for rights to this week's film "Iron Eagle". On the other hand, the film could easily have been made in 2019 and posted to YouTube as a comedic homage to the awfulness of the 80's. The film centers around the exploits of a fresh high school graduate who in an ill explained and unbelievable fashion manages to convince a grown adult to hijack two fighter jets and attack an unnamed Middle Eastern country to save his father from being hung. Listen, the plot isn't important and most of the careers associated with this film went absolutely nowhere. The special effects consist of cardboard fighter jet models being dangled on the end of a string and lit on fire. This film is bad...irredeemably, never even remotely fun kind of bad. This episode of the podcast however...surprisingly good! In a rare turn of events I encourage you not to watch the film and just listen to this episode and enjoy!

It's been an incredibly long hiatus but we've returned this week...not with a bang but with a blistering off key trombone. Our film this week is "Velvet Buzzsaw" which is as puzzling a title for this film as it's categorization as a horror flick. What starts as a mildly interesting satirization of the art world quickly devolves into a film that struggles to shift genres midway through. The end result is a film that has a wonderful cast and a couple interesting ideas but never fully utilizes either. It's sad to see much potential wasted, despite having a couple vaguely enjoyable moments. Spoilers are kinda our thing so if you have any interest in this film I would advise holding off on downloading this episode until you've witnessed the cinematic Ambien substitute that is "Velvet Buzzsaw" for yourself.

We took a substantial amount of time off this last month and we had to come back to "Pet Sematary 2". While the original concept isn't a bad premise for a sequel, this film is not a worthy follow up in any way. "Pet Sematary 2" feels more like an animal snuff film than it does a story about the struggle of real, human characters. Nearly three quarters of the film is both implied and overt violence against animals while the last quarter is an attempt to recapture the horror element of the original. This approach to the end of the movie is not so terrifying as it is fun and campy in spots. This is where certain performances and death sequences stand out as redeeming elements. It isn't enough to make this a good film by any means, just a far more watchable one. If you've held out this long "Pet Sematary 2" falls distinctly into the "why bother" category of recommendation. We are obliged to mention that spoilers come early on this one...as does the first pubescent scream from Edward Furlong.

We might be the only three people in our age group who never watched this week's film, "Jacob's Ladder". Jacob returns to New York City after serving in Vietnam only to be plagued by nightmarish visions and terrifying flashbacks. He soon finds out that he's not the only one as other members of his platoon begin to suffer similar hallucinations. It all culminates in a very M. Night Shyamalan style climax which for us presented more questions than answers (in a good way). Overwhelmingly, this was a very positive viewing experience for us and a journey that we all regret not having embarked on sooner. The spoilers on this one start right out of the gate so if you haven't seen this film please do so before listening to the episode.

Our film this week is an action classic featuring two of the most flamboyant over actors of our generation. "Face Off" pits John Travolta against Nicolas Cage, forces them to swap faces, then again pits John Travolta against Nicolas Cage in a contest of over embelished characterization. The end result is...pretty damn entertaining! The plot here is of little consequence as everything that happens just serves to reinforce the premise of two characters swapping faces and causing heaps of collateral damage trying to hunt each other down. It's dumb fun that runs a bit too long and tries to shoehorn an emotional tale of a father struggling to come to terms with the death of his son along with some fairly overt subtext indicating that "sometimes to be the good guy you have to be a little bad". All in all it's worth the time you'll invest so long as you're not expecting more than a bunch of explosions and a lot of heavy face petting. Also, just so we're sure you understand **coat opens, doves ascend into the foreground** full spoilers for the film follow.

This week's film, "Calibre" is a difficult one to synopsize...or to recommend to anyone that isn't a soulless, sociopath, narcissist monster. This was widely agreed to be the most uncomfortable film in the history of Streaming Pile of Flix. As a film and a cinematic experience, "Calibre" is astounding in so many ways. From the level of sickness you feel in your stomach, to the beauty of the Scottish countryside, to the phenomenal acting and direction. This film really carries the viewer through a genuine and devastating experience. Giving away too much of the film here is a travesty suffice to say this film is a crime drama of sorts which explores the consequences of relatively good natured, well meaning friends in a tragic and desperate situation. I cannot push the spoiler warning enough on this film. If you are intrigued by the things you've read and either don't have feelings or are in the mood to have your heart broken please watch this film before you listen to the podcast.

Our friend John Brown once again makes an appearance on today's episode as we discuss "Cargo". On the surface this may seem like another run of the mill zombie movie...but...this one has a baby in it **wanking gesture**. We don't take long to say "Who the fuck cares?" and move on to greener conversational pastures. That doesn't mean we hated the film necessarily but the very idea of another zombie movie is tiresome at this point. While we all agree the acting and directing was serviceable there is literally nothing else to help this film stand out from the thousands of other zombie films in existence. As a result this episode has a laundry list of spoilers for other films including "Avengers:Infinity War" and minor spoilers for "Solo". Oh, we also spoil "Cargo" but so will the seven minute short this full length picture is based on and if we're being honest, the short film is probably a better use of your time.