Strength Through The Struggle

Recently, I had the honor of giving my One Last Talk. If you haven't heard of OLT, the idea is to share with the world what you would most want people to know if you only had 15 minutes to do it and then you were gone from earth forever.

It is the idea and program of Philip McKernan. If you've been listening to this podcast for awhile you may have heard of him here or at a conference, you may have attended or on a different podcast. I've interviewed Philip 3 times now. If you would like to hear them the first one is Episode 33 and the second is Ep 99. I don't recall, at the moment, the Ep number for the third.

I had the good fortune of giving my OLT in Boulder, Colorado. Philip was hosting the event. There were several other people in the audience I knew. I had gotten to know these other people a couple years earlier at another Philip McKernan event called BraveSoul. That event in Ireland. It was a retreat of sorts and we were there for 8 days together on the west coast in a little village named Ballyvaughn. You could throw a stone into the ocean from some of the cottages.

One of these wonderful people I got to hang out with is a lovely woman by the name of Heidi who is from Great Britain. She happened to be one of my two cottage mates, both of whom I feel so blessed to have been there with.

After I gave my OLT, Heidi came to me and said she was confused. I asked her why. She said her confusion came from what seemed like two different people regarding what I shared about my life and how I saw myself at my OLT in Boulder in 2019 compared to the person I came across as in Ireland in 2017.

I still didn't really get what she meant. I mean, I live with me, and my thoughts 24 hours a day. And while I knew I was different in many ways over the timeframe of two years they didn't quite so significant. For the most part, I felt like the same person.

What Heidi shared with me surprised me a bit. She said to me, "In Ireland, you came across as this grounded, wise, loving, beautiful kind of soul. After hearing your OLT today, I couldn't believe how recently it was that you had these, other, darker thoughts about yourself."

Even as I'm saying this, it makes me want to pause. I'm thinking about how different I was 2 ½ years earlier. I was bottoming out emotionally. And when I say bottom, I mean the very bottom. I don't want to tell the whole story here. I'm hoping that my One Last Talk is released as a podcast episode by Philip at some point and if it is, I will share it with you. You can hear first-hand what Heidi heard.

As far as my conversation with Heidi, when she pointed these things out, I could see what she was saying. To hear the OLT and see me in Ireland it did seem like two different people. In truth, I guess I was. There was a lot of growth and change, and shifting between January 4th of 2017, and when I met Heidi in Ireland in June of 2017 and again all the way to when I gave my OLT in Boulder that Heidi was also there for.

As I reflect on it, I guess we are never a completely different person and we are never completely the same person given enough time and space and experiences.

I had no desire to present myself as two different people. My goal over the last 4 years has been to be as honest and transparent as I can be with myself first but certainly also with the world as well. But it is hard to be completely transparent about everything in our lives.

In light of that, Heidi's question still made me step back and ask myself, "Was I wearing some sort of mask during that week in Ireland?" "Was I trying to put on airs about myself and present to the world some guy who didn't have a problem and Worse some guy who had all the answers because Lord knows I don't.

In giving my OLT I had to go deeper than I ever had before. I decided to share some things I had never shared before. And in so doing, some people who knew before the talk would have learned something or somethings they had never known before about me. And that is the whole idea behind One Last Talk. To share your deepest pain so others can learn they are not alone in this world. OLT was absolutely one of the best experiences of my life.

I didn't have any intention of sounding like I'm doing a commercial for OLT although I could. I didn't plan on doing a promo for Philip McKernan although I could and would. And actually, as I'm sharing this with you it occurs to me that I should unpack a little more of what happened for me when I gave my OLT. But that is a story for another day.

It's hard to tell the complete truth. We are so terrified of being judged for what we think. We are so scared of sharing who we really are, what we have really felt and what we truly believe that opening up to the world can seem like a fate worse than death.

Having been on this journey for the truth for the last few years, at least the truth of who I really am, Of who I completely am, Of who I really want to be in this world, unashamed, unapologetically, unabashedly, I really wish I could reveal all of who I am at once.

The problem with that is it's similar to when we look out on the horizon. We can only see so far. We don't know what is beyond the horizon until we get there. And then we can see the new horizon in the distance. Only then do we get to see what is between us and the new horizon.

That's how life really is. We only know in part. We only know the part of us who we are willing to explore and challenge and question. Once we figure that out part out, we get to explore and challenge and question and wrestle with the next part. And on we go. Year after year until we run out of years.

I don't want to run out of years before I run out of understanding who I am. I don't want to run out of years before I understand the world better. I don't want to run out of years until I learn how to love this life and everything in it.

What do you want to do? Are you willing to go to that horizon in the distance? Are we willing to go that far so we can not only see more of the world but also so the world can see more of us? More of the gifts that we have to share? More of the vision we have for ourselves and others and the world?

We may not be able to see far enough that we know exactly what is ahead for us. Maybe we only have to see the horizon, head in that direction and along the way, find out a little more of who we are and the gift that we are to each other and to this world.

First off, I want to Thank You! For listening today. It means a lot to me, that you brought your time, your energy and your attention here today. Thank you.

Sometimes as I look around this world we live in, it can seem pretty confusing. There are often things going on that don't make sense to us as an individual member of the human race.

People do hurtful things to others.

People do harmful things to themselves.

People do illegal, unethical and immoral things to themselves and others.

If we try to look at the world from a "logical" perspective it is impossible to do effectively. In part because what is logical to me, isn't necessarily logical to you.

The values I hold may not be the same values that you hold.

What I feel is moral or ethical, you may not feel the same way about.

That being said, one thing I'm 100% certain of is, I've never seen any good come of focusing on the negatives in our lives. With one exception… focusing on a negative is only valuable if we use to create something positive.

There are plenty of things wrong in this world that many of us would agree on. Violence, abuse, abandonment, poverty, bigotry, sexism, sex trafficking, homelessness. I mean there is a good portion of the world who doesn't even have clean drinking water.

What kind of world do you want to live in?

A world that is a little less poor.

A little more kind.

Has put a dent in the sex trafficking trade.

One with clean drinking water.

A world with enough food, shelter, clothing.

A world with less waste and pollution.

How about a world that is less about consumption and more about compassion or conservation.

What about a world where there are more kindness, patience, and consideration for others.

I want to share with you a few people who decided they would actually create a world they want to live in.

John Walsh – John Walsh's son Adam, who was only six years old, was kidnapped and killed by a sociopath. John went on to create the TV show America's Most Wanted as well as The Hunt. Those shows were responsible for putting 1,200 violent felons in prison where they couldn't hurt kids and adults anymore.

Larry Hagner – Larry grew up without a father that showed him how to be a good dad. Larry desperately wanted to live in a world where dads celebrated and worked hard at being good dads so he created the Good Dad Project Podcast and has helped change for better fatherhood for families around the world.

Candy Lightner – Candy had her heartbroken when her 13-year-old daughter Cari was killed by a drunk driver. She wanted to live more happily in a world where parents didn't have their children taken from them by someone who got behind the wheel of a car and drove drunk. So she founded MADD – Mothers Against Drunk Drivers which can be found in all 50 states as well as each province in Canada fighting to keep drunk drivers off the roads.

Andrew Lewin – Andrew sees a need for a better conservation in our Oceans. Less Pollution, better management of this beautiful resource. He created a podcast, Speak Up for Blue to help create a world he is happy to live in. One that values our natural ocean resources now and for generations to come.

John Williams – John grew up in an environment of poverty, violence, and abuse. He saw how those three dynamics challenged his own life and he wanted to create a world where teenagers were taught how to make better choices with health outcomes. That world is being created by his non-profit, Life that counts.

Ryan Michler – Ryan thought he knew how to be a man. He came to the conclusion that in fact did not know how to be a man when his wife took their 10-month-old son and left him. Ryan did some soul searching and realized his ideas of being a man weren't working so he started to work on himself. Eventually, he founded the Order of Man movement which is shaping men into a strong and positive version of a husband, father, and man.

My son Josh and I are creating a world we want to live in. A world where there is more interaction, understanding, and connection between what would be termed normally developed people and those people who were born with or acquired intellectual deficits.

I want to see a world where people are more kind to and connected with the intellectual disabilities community. I believe if we were interacting in more ways in more environments between normally developing people and those with these extra challenges, we all will.

I live with someone who has that extra life challenge and you know what, my life is better because I do. It has most definitely made me a better person in so many ways. I believe when these two communities to spend more time with each other in school, at play, and at work, the world is a better place. And that is a world that I want to live in.

So, I have a question for you…

What kind of world do you want to live in?

What kind of world could you create that makes this world a better place to live? You don't have to solve the poverty problem for the entire earth. But what if you solved it for a community? What if you solved it for just one family? What if you solved it for just one person?

What if…

What if…

What if…

It's possible. It's actually possible to create a world you would want to live in.

I want to thank you again for listening. I would love to share a message of encouragement and possibility and how to overcome any adversity with your group or church or organization. If you go to markgoblowsky.com you can click on the contact us tab and send me a message. I will be sure to get back to you within a day or two.

I am a big Allman Brothers fan. I have been since I was a teenager. After Duane Allman died in a motorcycle accident, I became a fan of Gregg Allman as a solo artist.

There's a song Gregg wrote titled These Days. It's really about regret. And, more specifically, the regret of a relationship that came to an end. The first time I heard the song, the last line got my attention. Let me share it with you.

Please don't confront me with my failure. I'm aware of it.

For me, it isn't just about the regret of a relationship ending but the regret we all feel when we have made a poor choice or when things haven't gone our way.

When talking about the statement, I've frequently made a small adjustment.

Please don't confront me with my failures. I'm aware of them.

One thing that would get to me when I was growing up was to have my shortcomings or failures brought up to me repeatedly.

Not the run of the mill kind of failure like 2+2=5. But the kinds that were a big deal. Like not being liked for who I was being seen as inherently bad because of a stupid choice I made as a child

But there are other places where we can be reminded of how we don't maybe measure up with the crowd or what is defined as normal.

There have been many times when I have been in a doctor or therapist's office with my son Josh. If you aren't aware of his situation, When Josh was three years old, he was riding in the back seat of his mother's Chevy Cavalier, when a semi-truck hit them which sent the car spinning out of control. That semi kept ongoing and hasn't ever been found.

When the car Josh was in stopped spinning, it was hit by another semi-truck which totaled the Cavalier. While that truck stopped, it had nothing to do with causing the accident. That driver was a victim of the first truck, just like Josh. The collision left Josh with a massive brain injury. Ever since that day, he has lived between the world of people with disabilities and those without having recovered partially but never wholly.

So back to the doctor and therapist visit.

In the past, I had to answer the professional's questions because Josh couldn't. As he gained more and more awareness, he could tell we were talking about him. The more he understood about himself, the more difficult being at these appointments became for Josh.

Eventually, he began to cry after being in an appointment and having to listen to all the things that he needed to work on in therapies in order to keep healing.

He couldn't understand that it wasn't his fault. He just heard that there was something wrong with him.

He's being reminded not of any failure on his part, but of his differences. And for him, those differences are both perceived and real. The differences are noticeable because he can compare himself to others now.

He was, and still is, reminded of a day that changed his life completely every time we go to a doctor or therapy appointment. He is much better at handling it now that he is 17 and he can see his life in a more positive light, but it still gets to him.

Something that many of us are good at is reminding others of their failures and their differences. We often believe we are doing it out of care or concern or even love. And possibly that is true.

Sometimes though, it comes from another place. A not so kind place. A place where we may actually enjoy reminding them of their failure, or misstep or how they are different. I remind them of their failure for the benefit of reminding them of their failure.

If you ever find yourself or someone else being overly critical in reminding someone of their shortcomings, there is a way to turn that upside down and make it work for both you and them.

Being a teacher, I have to make corrections to students' actions. The more I point out the mistake the more likely that person is to repeat it. Even if I tell them what to do to correct it, if I come from the negative, the thing I don't want to be repeated, more that person's mind is drawn to that mistake and the more that mistake is re-inforced.

What I have found that works best is to focus on the thing I want to see more of as opposed to the thing I don't want to see.

For instance, if a student is misbehaving, I can highlight and praise different students' correct or positive behavior. We all want attention. In a perfect world, we would only do good things and seek positive attention. But if we don't get what we want, we often change tactics.

It's amazing to watch a child who is not getting the positive attention from a teacher, sit straight up, keep their hands to themselves and focus when you point out how well their classmate is doing those very things.

It works with adults as well. I can't count how many times I've complimented an adult student and actually had the other students in class adjust their own effort to match the person being complimented. We all want to be noticed... the key is to teach ourselves to focus on what we want, not what we don't want. It is easier for an adult or a child to see what is wanted as opposed to what is not wanted.

Of course, people need to be reminded of things. Including to look both ways when crossing the street. Don't play with fire. Be nice to others.

What we don't need is someone who is all too ready to confront us with our failures. We are already aware of them.

Thanks Gregg!

There was a time in my 30's and 40's when I wanted to change my name. Not my first name. I was good with that. I considered changing my family name.

Growing up I had a number of experiences that landed for me in a negative way. I was molested at the age of 6 and again at the age of 9. I experienced physical as well as mental and emotional abuse. My father was fond of telling me, "You aren't worth the powder to blow you to hell."

I heard that "I wasn't worth the powder to blow me to hell," so many times that I actually started to believe it to be true. It was a lie, but in my young mind, I couldn't make sense of it. Why would my father say such a thing if it wasn't true? I came to the conclusion that I was broken beyond repair. I'm not saying it made good sense for me to end up believing that lie. Those words along with the other forms of abuse seemed to validate each other.

Through that process, I came to believe there was something inherently wrong with me. That I was fundamentally broken. And seeing myself that way hung around with me like a dark shadow all the way into my fifties.

Maxwell Maltz –was a cosmetic and reconstructive facial plastic surgeon. Over the years that, he was active as a surgeon, he helped many people with reconstructive surgery needed for various abnormalities and injuries to a person's appearance.

Over time he realized that even when his skills brought about a stunning improvement to a person's appearance if that person didn't see themselves from the inside as beautiful, the outward changes didn't matter. Even if they could see a difference on the outside, it didn't matter to their self-esteem or confidence. The inner negative belief they held about themselves would win out.

This same dynamic impacted me in such a powerful way. I wasn't going to have plastic surgery though. I thought if I changed my family name, I could somehow, miraculously become a new person who would also have value. The problem was I could change my name 1,000 times but that couldn't change how I saw myself. Even though it wouldn't work, there was a part of me that believed it would.

I never did change my name. Maybe deep down inside me, I knew that wasn't the real problem. I have been able to change how I saw myself but it took me some time to do it. I tried everything imaginable. Self-help and personal development books, seminars, and programs. I tried praying and affirmations and visualizations. All of it helped but none of it completely fixed it.

I had to go deeper. I actually had to go back and wrestle with the truth of what the root problem was. That I had come to believe a lie. It didn't matter that it was a lie. I believed it to be true and I behaved in accordance with it.

After doing the inner work of unpacking the lies, I was able to see myself more clearly. When I could see myself more clearly, I was able to behave differently. I was able to see the world more clearly. Things took on a new brightness. I found more joy even though my circumstances hadn't changed.

When we change how we see things, the things we see begin to change as well.

I hope that was helpful to you. Would you please share this with somebody you know. The only way it helps is if it is heard by others. Will you also subscribe to the podcast, download the episodes and give a rating and review. I would really appreciate that.

If you want the episode delivered straight to your inbox every week, go to markgoblowsky.com and sign up to our list. We won't spam ever. We will send you each episode though, and stories to stimulate your thinking and help you grow and experience more pa. See you next time.

Mark reflects on the life that has revealed itself for him over the past few decades and realizes how grateful he is to have the life he has.

I discuss the new direction and structure for the podcast that I have implemented today. I have been thinking about it for a long time and I am excited for you to continue to follow me on the j9urney of Finding Strength Through The Struggle.

http://www.markgoblowsky.com

Addiction, no matter what substance or activity it is too, has the chance of taking over our lives. It's a complicated issue that has played the part in many a broken home, relationship and life. My own family had its share of addictions to various substances or activities.

Addiction happens so slowly and feels so harmless in the beginning that we don't notice what is happening. We are simply enjoying ourselves. Before we know it, we feel like we can't live without it.

It's a good thing there are people to show us the way out. Our guest this week, Roscoe is one of those people. I'm proud to know him and to help you get to know him as well. Click here and take a listen.

We, humans, love a pain free, difficulty-free, existence.

The opioid painkiller epidemic is a great example. I know what it's like because I got hooked once. And I'm not going to blame my doctor either.

I had shoulder surgery and the pain was terrible. The doctor wrote me a prescription for painkillers but they did nothing to help me ignore the pain enough to sleep. After a couple of days, I called, explained my problem, and they called me in a stronger one. Those didn't work. The doctor called in a stronger prescription a couple of days later but I still couldn't sleep and it was now eight nearly sleepless days and nights.

I complained again and this time I had to drive to the doctor's office to get the prescription and in turn deliver it myself to the pharmacy. This was because of how strong the painkillers were. You had to hand-carry the script and show an ID because they were that dangerous and there was so much fraud that people would do nearly anything to get their hands on them.

I finally started to get some sleep. I also liked the way they left me feeling. It was not only the feeling of no pain but also the idea that everything in the world seemed good. It was drug-induced feeling but it was also pleasurable. The pills simply made me feel great when I was taking them. It was if everything in the world was OK and I didn't have a care in the world!

When they ran out I was able to get one refill and then another. A total of three weeks on these very powerful pills. At that point, they cut me off and I got a little panicked. I then started using the old scripts but I would take double or triple the doses. When those didn't give me the same feeling of not a care in the world, I started washing them down with alcohol.

Because I enjoyed the feeling of euphoria from the pills, I no longer cared about going back to work. My appearance had deteriorated because I didn't care to leave my house because everything was bliss there. The amount of change in such a short period of time was shocking.

By the end of week six, I woke up not feeling right. It felt as if my body was polluted and I very quickly realized my body and my liver were toxic from the massive amounts of pain killers I had been consuming. I could see where this was going and in a lucid moment I knew I had to break this new habit. I took all the pills I had left and poured them down the toilet.

By bedtime that night my body was starting to detox and with it came the withdrawal pain and sickness.

I was unable to sleep for the next three nights. My body felt as if it was being pulled apart from the inside. I couldn't get physically comfortable standing or sitting or lying down. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat from nausea and I couldn't focus my mind on anything other than the physical sensations of my body as it cried out for more opioids.

I made it through the next three nights and days before the grip those pills had on my body and my mind was broken.

We often start something for one reason and continue for a different one.

My guest this week is a good example of wanting a pain free life like myself. When he hit the wall of pain that we all have hit or will hit in the future, David headed for drugs too. His drug of choice though was Extasy. That choice led him down roads he didn't enjoy being on but he came out the other side a better man. Take a listen here to see how it all turned out

Imagine being on a plane headed to your dream vacation. Let's say it's Italy. You spent the last two years planning it. It's all been paid for. Your itinerary is planned out for each day with all of the sights you want to see most

You know all the restaurants, museums and ancient ruins you will be seeing and when. All the details have been checked off and the weather is supposed to be beautiful the entire time.

You settle into your seat on the plane. It's a long overnight flight. You put your seat back in the reclined position, put on your eye mask to block out any light and decide to sleep until your long-awaited arrival.

You wake up to the sound of the pilot saying, "We are preparing for our final descent." A few minutes later the wheels touch down on the runway and he says, "Welcome to Holland!"

You are confused. This isn't what you were planning. You had your heart set on Italy and you have no idea what to do next.

We all have our hearts set on certain things turning out a certain way. It can be a relationship, a child, a job or a business. What do you do when the thing you thought was going to come to be doesn't and the thing that did come to be is so different that you have a hard time accepting the new reality?

Our guest this week had this very thing happen to him. Chip Franks shares with us the raw truth about not getting what you thought you would in your new baby. But what he shares applies to every area of life. Take a listen here and enjoy the show.

Ever feel like you know where you want to go but aren't sure how to get there? Maybe you are starting on something completely new. Maybe you have found that making a mid-course correction is necessary.

Either way, getting moving in the direction you want can be difficult if you don't have a system in place to help guide you.

I developed a system that has worked very well for me over the years. It has helped me start new things. It has helped me make mid-course corrections and adjustments along the way to get where I wanted to go originally. It has also helped me to stay the course when I felt like throwing in the towel.

I share the whole thing in about 20 minutes on this weeks episode. If you would also like a printed copy, click here to get that.

Enjoy!