I have been wanting to have this conversation for a very long time and I am so glad it is finally here. In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Melissa Hankins, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, certified executive coach, and trauma-informed EFT practitioner, for one of the most honest and illuminating conversations I have had on this show.
We go deep into the intersection of trauma and perfectionism, and Dr. Hankins reframes everything. Perfectionism is not a personality flaw or a character trait. It is a state of being, a protective strategy your nervous system developed to keep you safe in environments where love, belonging, and worth felt conditional. And when you understand that, everything starts to make sense.
Dr. Hankins generously shares her own story, growing up biracial in a predominantly white environment, losing her mother at 16, and navigating the racial and emotional complexity that quietly shaped her drive to achieve above and beyond. Her vulnerability in this conversation moved me deeply, and I found myself holding space while also recognizing so much of my own journey as a South Asian woman in medicine.
We also explore EFT tapping, the mind-body tool that Dr. Hankins introduced me to personally and that I can say from experience is genuinely powerful. She walks us through how it works, why it works, and how you can begin using it to regulate your nervous system right now.
If you have ever felt like you cannot slow down, cannot stop achieving, cannot let people see the real you, this episode is for you.
Key Takeaways
- Perfectionism is a protective strategy, not a flaw. Your nervous system developed it to keep you safe in environments where love and belonging felt conditional.
- Trauma is more than big T moments. Anything that was too much too soon, or too little for too long, can shape how we show up as adults.
- Perfectionism has many faces. Control, people pleasing, analysis paralysis, overworking, invisibility, these are all expressions of the same nervous system response.
- Your body is keeping score. Jaw clenching, headaches, chest tightness, GI issues and sleep disturbances can all be signs that your nervous system is dysregulated.
- EFT tapping meets you where you are. Whether you are connected to a sensation, an emotion, or just a thought, tapping can gently regulate the nervous system without force.
- Perfectionism and excellence are not the same thing. Perfectionism is fear-driven. Excellence is values-driven. You can absolutely let go of one and keep the other.
About the guest:
Melissa Hankins, MD, CPC is the CEO and Founder of Melissa Hankins Coaching, a coaching and consulting firm that is committed to helping physicians and leaders overcome burnout, and helping organizations create and maintain psychologically safe work environments and sustainable well-being for their employees. Dr Hankins is a certified executive coach, Harvard-trained psychiatrist, and trauma-informed Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT or "tapping") practitioner. In addition to leading her own organization, Dr Hankins also serves as faculty for The Academy of Creative Coaching, an ICF-accredited coach training organization.
Dr Hankins has taught and spoken extensively about trauma-informed coaching and creating trauma-informed workplaces at several healthcare and coaching organizations and corporations, including Harvard Institute of Coaching, University of California-Davis Health, Weill-Cornell Medical, Stanford University, California Counties Foundation, and Coaching.com's World Business and Executive Coaching Summit. Dr Hankins has appeared on numerous podcasts, and her writing has been featured in KevinMD, MedPageToday, Medium.com, and Physician Outlook magazine. She is also a contributing author in the physician anthology, "Thriving After Burnout: A Compilation of Real Stories by Female Physicians."
Dr Hankins provides individual and group coaching, as well as interactive trainings and workshops, and is available for organizational retreats and speaking engagements.
Connect with Dr. Melissa Hankins:
Visit her website: melissahankinscoaching.com
Email her at: [email protected]
Connect with her on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissahankinsmd/
Follow her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melissahankinsmd/
About the Host
Dr. Amna Shabbir, MD, NBC-HWC, CPC is a Dual Board-Certified Physician and TEDx Speaker with advanced training in Integrative Well-being, Performance, and Leadership Development. She speaks, coaches, and consults on Perfectionism, Sustainable Success, and the well-being of High Achievers.
Connect with Dr. Shabbir
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr.amnashabbir/
💼 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/amna-shabbir-md/
📹 Watch Dr. Shabbir's TEDx Talk
Perfectionism Has A Solution - It is Not What You Think: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNIzzM4Vg3s&t=3s
🌍 Want to Book Dr. Shabbir to Speak at your event or organization?
Reach out at: https://www.dramnashabbir.com/Speaking
✅Want to work 1:1 With Dr. Shabbir?
Schedule Your Complimentary Strategy Session: https://calendly.com/dramnashabbir/strategy
⚠️Trigger Warning
This conversation explores trauma and strong mental health themes including suicide. Please call or text 988 for support and care for yourself.
❌ Disclaimer
This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or therapeutic advice. The views expressed are personal and do not reflect those of any employer or institution.
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