What are some things you can do to avoid the Asian family drama that can happen during the planning and at the wedding?

From the guest list, traditions, venue...here's what I did that I had control over to avoid most of the drama.

Ultimately, it’s the memories that we have of our wedding that matter. Drama or no-drama, we made sure it was our moment to remember.

It's me and my husband's day, not anyone else's.

So before I rant about the Asian family drama that happens whenever someone gets engaged and the things you can do to prevent that, let me share with you a few factors that I had absolutely no control over that helped me avoid a lot of that stuff.

Recently, my husband and I were talking about whether someone who made a comment about me to him could come to me directly with that comment. 

He tells me, 

“I doubt it. People find you intimidating.”

I’ve been in denial of my intimidation for years because I’ve always associated it with negative connotations; it’s not a good thing that others are scared of me. I want to be perceived as warm and welcoming, kind, easy to approach, and friendly. 

Isn’t that how society expects women to act if they want to be liked? (I’m not going down that RBF rant again)

If I’m intimidating then I’m a cold bitch who’s snotty, judgy, viewing others as though they’re beneath me. 

But that’s not at all who I am. 

The past week, I’ve been pondering about this word and started doing my usual Google search on whether this is true.

How come all of these people are telling me that I am? 

People who love me. People who don’t love me anymore. People who know me inside and out. People who don’t know me at all. They’ve all told me.

There has to be an element of truth in their words. 

Was I interpreting the word completely wrong?

Yes. 

Intimidation can be a positive characteristic. So I’ve made the decision to own that word, embracing who I am and removing all self-hate around it; those who see me for who I really am will know what I am really about. 

Here 10 reasons why this word resonates with who I am.

Take time to reminisce and learn more about yourself

When those annoying instances happen, I take the time to dig deep into myself, reflecting on my childhood, values, beliefs and priorities and why that triggered me emotionally. 

Then it initiates a self-reflection journey where I write my thoughts down, discover old wounds I need to heal or patch up, build my emotional strength to pass on to my children; this often turns into a blog post, podcast and/or video. 

The same self-reflection journey happens when delightful instances happen, like funny things my daughter does and says that I get to hear about from them or things that I realize my parents have stopped doing because they now know better (like encouraging my daughter to cry instead of shaming it when I was a kid). I get to relish in the cycle of parenting.

Don’t compare them to others 

Oh, how the tables have turned. Growing up, my parents loved comparing us, apples to oranges to mangoes to kiwis. That history has made me prone to their behaviour.

Who’s making more? Who got the promotion first? Who got better grades? Who got married first? Who has the bigger house? Nicer car? Went to a better school?

Now it’s, 

Who is the better caretaker for your kids?

It’s hard not to compare those who take care of your kids. From in-laws, parents of friends, a sibling, the nanny, your parents, even between you and your spouse (the other parent), who did well and who did poorly.

Be grateful 

Before getting pregnant, I already knew that I wanted to raise my kids in the city where I grew up. They have great public schools (I am proud to be a product of that system) and the community is very child-friendly. I’m grateful we can afford to live here and were able to buy a home close to my parents. 

I wanted to be close to my parents because I want my kids to have a strong relationship with their grandparents, something I didn’t have growing up because they lived in Hong Kong. I met my Gong Gong once when I was 5 and my Por Por left earth too early before I was born. On my dad’s side, I only have a couple of distant memories of my Maa Maa and Ye Ye before they passed.

The relationship they have with my kids is priceless; taking care of them keeps my parents busy, engaged and gives them a renewed sense of a purpose. It challenges them mentally, emotionally and physically and although they’ll never admit it, I believe having my daughter around has helped reinvigorate their marriage and appreciation for one another. They’ve had to relearn how to work as a team.

I’m fortunate to be in the situation that I am in and it’s hard to complain when I know I am on the side where the grass is greener.

Out of sight, out of mind

Ignorance is bliss. I don’t know what I don’t know and sometimes I don’t want to know what I don’t know, you know?

Would I want to put cameras up at my parents’ house so I could monitor exactly what was going on? 

What my parents were really feeding her? 

How much screen time they were really allowing her? 

How much English my dad was really speaking?

Hell no!

This is the reason why I prefer to drop my kids off at my parents than to have them at my house. Yes, they could easily come over and it’ll save me the extra 25-minute commute to and from their place during the drop-offs and pick-ups; however, once I drop her off, I know she’s in good hands and that’s all that matters. When I pick her up, what’s done is done and I’m grateful I didn’t get a call from them in the middle of the day.

Have a tough conversation (But choose wisely)

Picking my battles with my parents about how to care for my daughter is both an art and a science. If I nag them every time they do something that bothers me, my concerns will eventually fall on deaf ears.

And generally, Asian parents are very sensitive to criticism. Often when feedback is given, they’ll immediately get defensive and/or play the victim, shifting the blame on someone or something else. So it’s a delicate art to bring up when it comes to their caretaking abilities.

The bottom line is choosing the right issue to bring up, knowing what I value and whether the issue is big and frequent enough to pinch my values.

Focus on the positive and their strengths

In the end, my loose reins worked in my favour because my parents naturally did the “right” things. I shifted my focus on their positive traits and started appreciating their strengths. 

No caretaker is perfect and it's important to appreciate your parents for what they are good at.

Lower your expectations (more like throw them out the door)

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve learned (still learning) to curb my need to be a supermom. 

FYI: My son is playing in his Jumperoo as I’m typing this sentence and he’s been whining for my attention for the past 15 minutes.  

Do I yell at my kids? Yes.

Do I swear in front of them? Yes.

Do I put Paw Patrol on so I can work out? Yes.

Do I feed them ice cream, cookies, chips and other foods that contain ingredients that I cannot pronounce? Yes.

Have there been days where it’s nice out but we stay inside like sloths on the couch watching TV and playing Angry Birds? Yes.

Have there been times where my kids haven’t taken a bath in days and they smell like ripe Gouda? Yes.

Are my kids in swimming, ballet, soccer, piano, skating, painting, crafts, juggling, bird watching…all the activities a stereotypical Tiger mom puts them in? No. 

I’ve come to terms with my own expectations as a mother and I’ve had to set a basic minimum for my parents.