You will get your independence back

I remember the moment I felt like I “lost my independence.”

I was driving back home from a mom group when I saw that Garden Works was having a sale. I was about to turn in when my daughter started wailing.

I looked at the clock and I said to myself,

“Right, it’s ten o’clock. It’s time to go home for a feed, diaper change and then a nap.

Will I come back and check out the sale?

Nope. Nope. And nope.

Because after her nap, it starts all over again.

When can I just pick up and go without considering her needs?

Will I ever be able to do that?”

And that scared the sh*t out of me because I thought my life was over.

But it wasn’t and I’ve been able to do pit stops since.

The feed, change, and nap cycle goes away!

And even during the “rigorous” schedule, you CAN do what you want; it just depends on how much you want to.

You CAN feed in the car, in the mother’s nursing room at the mall, on the bus.

You CAN change diapers in the park, at the bank etc.

You CAN let them nap in the stroller, in your arms while you try to eat your brunch, on the floor at your friend’s house etc.

Once they’re out of the cycle, you would have gotten so used to that routine that any sense of freedom feels like a blessing. It’s all relative.

“They can grab a cheerio and eat it.”

“They can walk up to the toilet, take off their pants and pee.”

“They can climb the stairs, change into their pyjamas and go to bed.”

The experience of losing your independence is sudden at first but when you start gaining it back, you forget you lost it in the first place.

Ask for helpful help (including support for your partner) and refuse unhelpful help

People love to help. It’s an inherent characteristic of our species. We see someone struggling and we want to do something for them.

So that’s why those World Vision commercials worked so well huh?

However, not all help is created equal and that depends on what you find helpful.

For instance, imagine having your parents or in-laws come over to help “clean” your house. But you have to direct them to where everything is, help them move things around and basically make sure they don’t screw it up. You end up having to watch 3 babies instead of 1. Not exactly helpful!

That’s the time to say,

“Thanks, but no thanks!”

Figure out what you consider helpful and ask for it!

For me, the most helpful thing came from my sister. Before coming to visit us, she asked what I needed from the grocery store. I listed a bunch of fruit because we had been surviving on reheated meals, postpartum Chinese soups and congee.

Then she asked,

“Any snacks for Brian (my husband)?”

At that moment, I glanced at him and realized he was going through his own recovery. He looked mentally and emotionally exhausted (having taken quite a Baby Blues beating from myself), unshaven with a bit of dried-up congee crust hanging at the corner of his lip.

I asked him,

“What snacks do you crave right now? Don’t hold back. Just go!”

He stared at me as his eyes lit up, listing very specific snacks including All Dressed flavoured Crispers, Sweet Chilli Riceworks chips and Miss Vickie’s jalapeno kettle cooked potato chips.

My sister came over with bags of fruit and every single snack he wanted.

I think ripping open that bag of Crispers, devouring each one until crumbs covered his face gave my husband almost as much joy as holding his newborn son.

Vent, rant, do verbal diarrhea with your trusted emotional support circle (they won’t judge)

Whether it’s your sister, your mom, your besties, your aunt, your cousin, or an online support group, find your tribe.

Your partner will not get it. You’ll want to vent about him to someone because you may resent him and he can only take so much.

During that time when you’re learning how to be a mom, you will experience immense emotional highs and lows. You may experience “baby blues” during the first two weeks where you feel moody, irritable, restless, anxious, sadness, with bouts of crying.

You’re going to need a sounding board, someone to validate your feelings, someone to tell you things will get better, that it’s totally normal to feel like a fish out of water that’s drowning with each breath of air.

Write and voice your true feelings aloud! Don’t fake it.

You don’t need to put on a brave face or pretend like you’ve got this; it’s okay to say it sucks.

On the flip side, don’t join pity parties. If mothers around you are complaining incessantly about how hard it is but you’re loving it, don’t succumb to social pressures. It’s okay to say it’s wonderful.

At the end of the say, you want your journey into motherhood to be real, raw and authentic.

Breastfeeding may or may not work out and that’s totally okay

Some women have that magical first moment with their newborns, eyes meet, skin-to-skin, tears of joy, a well-fitted latch, not tongue-tide, hefty gulps from colostrum filled breasts.

Some women aren’t physically able to breastfeed.

Some women struggle with breastfeeding at first and choose to keep trying, with lots of ups and downs until it works out.

Some women struggle with breastfeeding at first and decide not to do it anymore.

Some women don’t struggle with breastfeeding and decide not to do it.

Some women exclusively pump and bottle feed.

Some women breast and bottle feed.

Some women choose not to breastfeed at all.

Whatever you do is specific to your situation. No one is you and every mother is different. Ultimately, fed is best and don’t let anyone (including yourself) convince you otherwise.

You have a right to request and refuse visitors

From friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, everyone wants to see the baby. And this can either augment or diminish your experience depending on how you want to recover.

But how do you know how you want to recover if you’ve never given birth?

Think about a time when you’ve gotten sick, had the flu or had surgery. Maybe that time you had your Wisdom teeth taken out or when you broke your foot while hiking?

How did you want to recover?

Having visitors can be a great way to feel normal again, to have adult conversations, to socialize and to surround yourself with people who share your joy. So if you want your sister, your best friend, your coworkers, all your girlfriends, your mom, or whoever you need, ask them to come over. Request them to be there with you, to help you, to lend an ear, to make hot tea for you, to dish about the latest gossip, to gush over the newborn smell etc.

However, having visitors can also overwhelm a new mom. This is especially true if you’re someone who needs their own time, space and privacy to recover.

You have the right to choose who you want during your delivery, at the hospital during visiting hours and when you come home.

Don’t play hostess because you’ll suck at it.

Your home is your safe space. Combining sleep deprivation, Baby Blues, feeling like a deflated balloon will make your patience levels paper-thin. It’s a bad idea to have visitors who you are not completely comfortable with and can’t be your absolute raw self around. If you have to put up a front in front of them, engage in small talk and/or watch what you say, you can let them wait to see the baby. You don’t want to say something that you’ll regret later.

“Get the fuck out of my fucking house!”

Don’t be a people pleaser!

No one has a ‘right’ to see your baby except yourself and your partner. Set clear boundaries and make sure both of you are on the same page in enforcing them. Those who respect and understand this are part of your tribe. For those who don’t, you may need to re-assess those relationships.

During life changes such as getting married or divorced, losing or starting a job, beginning or ending a relationship, having a baby, you will get to see the true colours of the people in your life. It’s like a litmus test for filtering out the authentic relationships from the inauthentic ones.

It’s okay if you don’t feel an instant, magical connection with your baby

What you see on TV and movies don’t actually happen. First, those babies look way too big to be newborns. Second, Hollywood has yet to master the “after giving birth” look.

Lastly, the magical connection doesn’t always happen immediately.

I had completely different experiences with my first and second.

Maybe it was being a new mom and not knowing what to expect when she came out but I felt like my daughter was an alien. I didn’t know how to hold her. I didn’t know how to soothe her. I stared at her constantly, when she was awake and when she was asleep. I wanted to be close to her all the time but I also wanted to have space for myself. Everything felt so awkward.

But as the time when on, I got to know her and she got to know me. I knew what her cries and coos meant. I figured out when I needed to be close and when I could have some space. Our connection grew and she became my baby girl and I became her mother.

With my son, he looked up at me and I looked down at him and I just wanted to snuggle and eat him up. I understood his cries quickly and there was no awkwardness.

Treat your body with kindness

Your body just performed a miracle. It grew an entire human, eyeballs, earlobes, brains, fingernails and everything. It needs to heal, replenish and recover. It’s amazing what the body can do and you need to appreciate what it’s been through.

This is not the time to obsess over stretch marks, loose skin, or jiggly thighs. It’s time to love your body even more. Every change that your body went through during pregnancy and delivery is a badge of honour. Wear your skin with pride.

There is no such thing as a “pre-baby body.” You grew a tiny human, from a couple of cells to an entire heart, mind, body and soul; that’s what it went through. You can’t turn back time and you wouldn’t want to either.

Instead of aiming for the body that you used to have, strive to have the most positive body image for yourself as a new mom. If you treat your body with kindness and love, it will do wonders for you in return. Also, having a positive body image is a great way to lead by example as a parent.

Your past

Why it didn’t work out with your exes

Talking about your exes may be considered taboo on a first date.

However, once a couple has reached a point in their relationship where they’re talking about marriage, a lot can be learned about someone when they share what happened in their past relationships and why they ended.

You don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty but reflecting on your past, who you were at the time and how you’ve grown can give your partner insight into why you are the way you are with them. It’s an opportunity to validate that the person you’re about to marry is the right person.

‘Dirty laundry’ that keeps you up at night

Got a burning secret that you’re keeping from them? And it’s eating you up inside? Better speak now or forever hold your peace.

Everyone views secrets differently.

Some believe that there shouldn’t be any secrets between a couple. Honesty is the best policy. And if the couple is strong enough, they will accept the secret and figure out a way to move forward together.

Others believe there are things that don’t need to be shared and not knowing that information can protect someone from getting hurt. You know, ignorance is bliss and the burden of keeping that secret is justified as a selfless act.

Ultimately, if the secret is big enough to keep you up at night and it affects how you are around your partner and how you treat them, it needs to be shared. Your partner will notice things are off and it will be detrimental to your relationship. You might as well nip it in the bud before you walk down the aisle.

Where and how to live

It’s hard to maintain a marriage if you’re physically apart. The stress of long-distance relationships, commutes, time-zone differences would drive any couple to the edge.

Where do you want to live together?

Where would you want to raise your kids?

How do you want to live? Are you deadset on living in a specific city or province/state or country? How open are you to a nomadic lifestyle?

Have you always dreamt of living in a different country? Do you have a bucket list of places to live?

Do you eventually want to move back closer to your family?

If one person wants to put roots down while the other is willing to be on the move every few years depending on opportunities that come up (job, experience a new culture, lifelong dreams etc) this can cause major stress in a marriage. Make sure you’re both on the same page.

Money is often quoted as one of the top reasons marriages end in divorce. It’s a point of contention even during casual conversations because of its association with power, status, security, freedom, and autonomy, topics that can easily pinch our values.  

Money is emotional Money shaped a lot of our childhoods (growing up with humble surroundings versus with privilege), contributing to our values and beliefs as adults.  How do you perceive someone who has more or less than you? 

How do you want to be perceived?  Who earns more? Who earns less? How does that affect shared financial decisions?  Spender or saver?  Invest in the future or enjoy life in the present?  Possessions or experiences?  Would you lend money to friends and/or family? If so, how much? If not, why?  Tipping etiquette?  Current debt Credit cards, lines of credit, student loans, auto loans, medical bills, tax debt, monies owed to friends and/or family, gambling debt, mortgages, unpaid parking tickets, failed business debts etc.  

I highly recommend putting everything out on the table before you get married.  It’s a very vulnerable process to go through because there’s fear of being criticized by your partner. Someone with a ton of debt can be perceived as irresponsible, careless, lacking discipline and self-control. It can also uncover some bad habits that someone wants to hide (uncontrolled retail therapy, gambling addiction, online gaming debt etc.)  It’s can be daunting to share this with your partner but think of it like ripping off a bandaid. 

Once you’re both on the same page, it’s easier to come up with a plan for how to pay off the debt. It could be an opportunity to work as a team, leveraging on each others’ strengths and abilities.  It’s better to know this information before you start sharing your life together as a married couple.