Sunshine Parenting

In this episode, I am speaking live with parents from Wayne Highlands School District and Superintendent Greg Frigoletto at Lakeside Elementary. We discuss my book, Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, and my key parenting tips and takeaways from lessons learned at camp.

I spent the first week of October in Pennsylvania and Wisconsin speaking with teachers, parents, and camp professionals. You read about these events and see more pictures in this post.

Big Ideas

• Parents need to have a growth mindset when thinking about their parenting skills.
• Lessons we learn at camp are:
  • how to relate to kids
  • how to make sure kids feel connected
  • how to handle different behavioral issues as they come up
• It helps parents to "begin with the end in mind" (Dr. Stephen R. Covey) when deciding where they can make a more of an effort with their kids.
• Connection is crucial. Begin a daily habit of checking in one-on-one with kids and let children take the lead when they have thoughts to share.
• Independent kids become the kind of adults that people enjoy working with.
  • Allow kids to find solutions to their problems and issues as they arise.
  • Respond with, "Tell me your decision and I'll tell you why its the right one." This statement shows kids that you believe in their abilities.
• A habit of "purposeful positivity" and optimism promotes resilience.
• Allowing kids to be themselves and focusing on their strengths, instead of their weaknesses, brings out the best in them.
• We discuss positive tactics for dealing with common issues parents face, such as:
  • whining
  • fighting
  • picky eaters
  • kids who don't listen
  • making transitions; routines and structure
  • stressed-out teens
  • gossiping
• Sometimes ignoring bad behaviors is the best approach.
• It's important to talk with your kids about the rules and have real conversations about your values so that they understand the "why" behind your expectations.

Quotes

Audrey: "What I'd really like the subtitle of my talk to be is, 'All I really need to know about parenting, I learned at summer camp.' Sometimes, as parents, we tend to overcomplicate things."

Audrey: "To me, a growth mindset is just remembering that we can all do little things to get better and so can our kids. I think sometimes it's really simple, small things that do make a big difference. You have to keep evolving anyway because kids change and each kid is different so just being open to thinking about the little things you can do is really important."

Audrey: "Kids need at least five positive messages for every one critical or feedback message."

Audrey: "Most of the world does not go to camp. This is true, but many of the things that we do at camp can help the rest of the world. That's what my book is about: how to create that camp like growth and setting at home."

Audrey: "Instead of feeling overwhelmed that there are so many things you have to do, just think about one thing at a time and make sure that one thing is on the path towards your end goal."

Audrey: "If there's just one thing that you can do, give your children or your child your full attention for at least a couple of minutes every day."

Audrey: "We can be so distracted that we forget to actually look in someone's eyes and say, 'What's going on? How are you doing? What can I help you with today?' A one-on-one check-in is not 'How much homework do you have? What time is practice?' or those kinds of logistical questions."

Audrey: "One of the things we enjoy about the people we work with are self-starters who figure out how to solve problems. It's a really important trait for adulthood."

Audrey: "I think when we are so fearful, we hold our kids back so much that they don't get the chance to show us all they can do."

Audrey: "Reframe your child's negative characteristics or weaknesses into more of a strength. You can have a more positive mindset even about negative situations that come up."

Audrey: "We can really change what our kids believe about themselves, their dreams, their lives, just by how positive we are about things and optimistic."

Audrey: "Oftentimes things that we think of as weaknesses can be reframed as how they're going to serve them...A lot of differently-wired people do amazing things. In fact, the world really needs people who think and do things differently. Those are often the people who have the best innovations. We don't want to stamp them down by trying to make them conform."

Audrey: "Sometimes ignoring things is good as long as you're doing the positive, full attention for good things. They can't be ignored for everything. They need attention. They need connection."

Audrey: "I love the whole village idea. If you have extended family, good friends, teachers, coaches, these other people pouring into our kids' lives are really important."

Greg: "To have parents to rely on to talk through things is a great asset for kids. Minus you, there is a great struggle that they might not be able to overcome. In a stressed world, you being there for them and having them know that you are is really important."

Audrey: "Identify them as their best self. Instead of telling them not to do things, it's more helpful to help them to focus on where they want to be and who they want to be."

Audrey: "Remember that kids save their worst behavior for their parents. If they're getting good reports from teachers and everyone else, you're doing just fine."

Audrey: "We need to have real conversations with them so that we can feel confident that they will be able to problem-solve, that they will be able to make their own good decisions. If we don't give them that opportunity, they never get a chance to try it out."

Audrey: "One of the best ways that you can raise kids who become thriving adults is showing them what that looks like. Make sure you spend time with your friends and figure out a way to do your hobbies each week. That offers your kids a great model of what it looks like to be a thriving adult."

Related Podcast/Posts

If you enjoyed this discussion, listen/read:

Ep. 100: Teens' Advice for Raising Responsible, Independent Kids

Ep. 68: 12 Parenting Tips for Happier, More Connected Families

Ep. 54: Parenting Tips from Summer Camp to Raise Healthy Kids with Dr. Jim Sears

10 Parenting Tips from Camp Counselors

Questions for Connection

Links Discussed

Sunshine Parenting Book Hub

How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims

Yes Brain, Tina Payne Bryson, PhD

Anatomy of Trust, Brené Brown

B.R.A.V.I.N.G: The Seven Elements of Trust

In episode 107, I'm talking with Paul Tough about his latest book, The Years That Matter Most: How college makes or breaks us, a powerful mind-changing inquiry into higher education in the United States. We talk about the state of higher education today and how can we help more young Americans achieve success.

Big Ideas

• Paul Tough's book examines the relationship between higher education and social mobility in the United States today and explores these questions:
  • Does college still work?
  • Is our system of high education fair?
  • How can we help more young Americans achieve success?
• In the past, higher education was the great engine of social mobility but that relationship has broken down. Today it is viewed by many as an obstacle to social mobility.
• The most selective institutions, with the biggest endowments and budgets, almost exclusively educate affluent students, while low-income students mostly go to less selective community colleges and regional public universities that spend much less on each student and have much lower graduation rates.
• Studies show that some institutions spend as little as $4,000 a year per student compared to $150,000 or more on each student at elite, selective colleges.
• More money per student is spent in public high schools than in most public colleges.
• In the wealthiest zip codes, more students receive testing accommodations for learning differences than students from less affluent zip codes, which seems like one more advantage for the people who need them the least.
• While colleges strive to differentiate themselves by their facilities, endowments, and many other attributes, the ethical character of the institution should also be considered.
• Higher education is not a consumer good, it is a collective good.
• Tough proposes 3 solutions:
  • Institutional change -- the level of admissions at private institutions needs to change. There should be pressure on them to admit more low-income students.
  • Families should consider the global implication of their decisions and allow the culture to shift away from 'what's better for me' in the short-term to 'what's better for society' in the long-term.
  • Public institutions need more funding and investment so that they can accommodate more low-income students and so that tuition rates don't continue to rise.
• Although the College Board has tried to change public opinion, they continue to be a force for inequity. The fact remains, the more money you have, the higher your test scores.
• Standardized test scores need to be given less weight.
• Test-optional institutions found that they were able to admit more low-income, first-generation students who graduate and succeed at the same rate as other students.

Quotes

Paul: "I think we have set up this system and there's no one villain that's responsible for the system. We all made it. It has inequities baked into and they're getting worse. It's clear now that there's this kind of stratification of institutions of higher education."

Paul: "We've heard a lot about how high tuition is at those private institutions, but the reality is that those institutions are losing money on each student. They spend more on each student than they bring in. That's because they believe it's going to pay off in the future when those alumni become rich donors."

Paul: "What is most remarkable to me about those numbers is that we pay for kids all the way through high school and then when they get to this more complicated, sophisticated, essential training for them to get ready for the workplace, we suddenly say, you can get by on a quarter as much as we were spending on you last year."

Audrey: "Our kids have gone to very good schools, and they chose them, but we weren't willing to jump through the hoops that we saw other people doing in order to get their kids into those (elite) schools. I was very put off by a lot of the ways other families dealt with things, especially around test prep."

Paul: "The overall fact that I think is so critical is that in reality, those students who are admitted to the most selective institutions are, as adults, making the most money."

Paul: "The reality is if you are a student at Stanford, if you work at Stanford, if you're part of that world, you are taking part in a system that is making the country more unfair. That's not just a Stanford thing. That's a reality at any of the similarly selective institutions."

Paul: "This generation of young people thinks about ethics, morality, and justice a lot and they should."

Paul: "The way they talk about race, identity, climate--it's inspiring. This is a generation that is putting ethics, and figuring out how to do the right thing, at the top of their priority list."

Paul: "When we look at higher education, we've been trained to see it as something that is a consumer good. If your kids benefit, then my kids fail. If my kids benefit, your kids lose out. That is not the way we used to think about higher education. It was a collective good."

Paul: "Considering the ethical quality of the system you're working in, and the system that you are applying to, is a really important consideration and I wouldn't be surprised if more and more young people start thinking about it."

Audrey: "We need high performing students at all the universities because that makes it more equitable. So if you're a super bright kid, you can actually benefit some of these larger public institutions in different states by getting some more brains there."

Paul: "In the fifties and sixties, students were choosing their colleges just based mostly on geography and as a result colleges were more like high schools. There was a mix of different performers--A students, B students, and C students--but then something changed. Those high performing students started to cluster together at just a few institutions."

Paul: "The algorithm that has been drummed into those students' heads is you just have to go to the most exclusive, most selective institution that will admit you. That worldview has created this stratification that is now so common in higher education."

Audrey: "Our kids are going to public institutions, not in our own state, which is crazy when you think about it. That is what a lot of families I know do because their kids can't get into the same schools that we went to when we were going to college."

Paul: "When we took that public funding away from the institutions in our own states, one solution they had was to begin admitting more out-of-state students because in-state tuition is less than out-of-state tuition...it just doesn't have the same kind of alignment between the mission (of public education) and the reality as I think it used to."

Paul: "The reality is that nothing's changed in terms of the relationship between the SAT and our class structure. Test scores on the SAT correlate highly with family income: the more money you have, the more likely you are to get a high test score."

Paul: "I think we need to be honest about the relationship between family income and SAT scores. Institutions need to find some way to take a more reasonable view of what those tests can do. We've given them way too much importance in our system."

Audrey: "I agree, they don't really predict anything. I've been working more on kids' social skills and character development because those things end up making kids more successful in their jobs and roles, wherever they went to college or whatever they majored in."

Paul: "You can sympathize with an admissions officer...All of this other stuff that we know is much more important in terms of evaluating a child and their potential is harder to put numbers on, harder to compare, whereas those numbers (test scores) just seem so tempting, so scientific. They look so nice."

Audrey: "This competitive thing just goes on at every level, whether it's the kids applying or the schools trying to have the highest averages, entering SAT and all that stuff."

Audrey: "I do think we need some major overhaul. Hopefully, 'varsity blues' and some of these things in your book will get us back on track so that our higher education system is doing what it's supposed to be doing for our country."

More from Paul Tough

"Working on this book was a remarkable experience: It took me six years to complete, and I reported in twenty-one states. The best part was getting to meet and hear the stories of so many remarkable young people — from the South Bronx to the affluent suburbs of D.C. to the Appalachian foothills of North Carolina — all of them trying to figure out how best to negotiate a path through the sometimes-treacherous landscape of American higher education.

In the book, I tell their stories — sometimes joyful, sometimes heart-rending, sometimes infuriating — and I do my best to place those stories into a larger context. I talked to dozens of economists and sociologists and educators who helped me understand why our system of colleges and universities functions the way it does — and why it so often seems unbalanced and unfair."

-Paul Tough

PBS News Hour: Admissions scandal highlights 'disconnect' between colleges' message and action

Amazon: The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us

Paultough.com

Paul Tough on Facebook

Paul Tough on Twitter

Paul's Speaking Engagements

NYT Book Review

Related Podcasts & Posts

If you liked this podcast episode, listen to:

Ep. 79: Thoughts on the College Admissions Scandal

Ep. 34: Advice on College, Transferring, and How to Support Your Kids with Their Decisions

Ep. 21 Advice for the College Application and Selection Process

Read Conversations before College: WHO you are matters more than WHERE you go

Don't miss my Happier in Hollywood Podcast: Ep. 123 Happy Camper at Work

In this episode, I'm chatting with author Nefertiti Austin about her latest book, Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America. We talk about her journey to adoption as a single Black woman and some of the issues faced by mothers of color and adoptive mothers. When she couldn't find any books on the topic while going through the adoption process, she decided to write her own.

Big Ideas

• Fostered and adopted kids need to be given age-appropriate information from caregivers about their situations.
• Good communication is critical to helping kids understand what is going on around them.
• It's important to never talk badly about a child's biological parents, no matter the situation.
• Allow kids to try new things and leave the door open for them to pursue their interests.
• The term 'crack babies' is a misnomer; there is no evidence to support the idea that children exposed to substances in utero can't thrive in a healthy, stable home environment. People should not be afraid to adopt a child who might be born addicted.
• Single mothers need to find positive male role models for their children. They can find support from men in the community through sports, church, friendships, and extended family.
• The Anti-Bias Education that has emerged in recent years is hopefully moving the needle, but the best way to help communities overcome racial prejudices and discrimination is for more families to connect with people who are different from them.
• If you are adopting a child of a different race, do your homework, understand their culture, and make friends with people of their race.
• It's important to respect cultural differences.

Quotes

Nefertiti: "I always wanted a family, wanted to be married and have children but as I got older, what was really important to me was helping a child in need."

Audrey: "it seems like because of your experience, you understand that adopted kids need a lot of talking to and explaining about their situation."

Nefertiti: "When I became a mom, I made a point to talk about adoption with my kids when they were very young. I started using the word 'adoption' and reading books to them so that it was really normalized."

Nefertiti: "I make a point to let them know that I'm so happy that they chose me, that I love them, and this is just the best place for all of us."

Nefertiti: "Your 'parents' are the people who provide a home for you, feed you, love you, help you with your homework, and help you kind of get on in the world."

Audrey: "One of the reasons people choose adoption is to give kids the opportunity to have the family that all children deserve."

Nefertiti: "I was looking for words, for information, for contexts to be able to share with people and it wasn't there I had to create it for myself."

Nefertiti: "The child's trajectory turned on the environment; that seemed to be the biggest thing that was going to either help a child thrive or not."

Nefertiti: "When you take a look at those families where drugs, violence, or neglect play a central role in a child's life, if you remove those barriers and put them in a stable, loving household, then it is 180 degrees from what they first thought."

Audrey: "You really had a plan to have a community in place to support your family. You had role models--men, aunts and uncles, and miscellaneous people--creating a support network."

Nefertiti: "Any woman who is going to have a child of the opposite sex, whether you give birth or not, that child needs his community."

Audrey: "I think reading to kids and having them develop a love of reading is just so important because it opens up the world to them, whatever they decide to be interested in, they can then go out and find it."

Audrey: "I really appreciate that you wrote this book because I think it's not only going to be helpful for the people who are in your same circumstances, black mothers, adopting as single women, but also in the general adoption community."

Nefertiti: "If a child can go to a loving, stable home, a home where the parents have really thought about what that's going to mean (being in a mixed family), then they should go there."

Nefertiti: "The best way to move the needle is through interpersonal relations. You can read anything, but you have an emotional distance from it. It doesn't impact you and it's hard to see your own bias. It's hard to see your own privilege. It requires people sitting down with one another and listening to stories about each other."

Nefertiti: "My book isn't specifically for black mothers. There really is something for everyone. It's important that all mothers come together—period. There is a racial hierarchy in motherhood and that needs to go away."

Nefertiti: "I think moms have a lot of power and our voices collectively could make a huge difference. If we could come together and really support each other, our kids would feel a lot better about themselves, who they're friends with and be less suspicious of the 'other'."

Audrey: "You can't 'other' people you are friends with."

Resources/Books Mentioned

Bryan Stevenson's Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption

Angie Thomas' On The Come Upand The Hate U Give

About Nefertiti

[caption id="attachment_6387" align="alignright" width="438"]Nefertiti Austin[/caption]

Author and memoirist, Nefertiti Austin writes about the erasure of diverse voices in motherhood. Her work around this topic has been short-listed for literary awards and appeared in the "Huffington Post", MUTHA, "The Establishment", matermea.com, Essence.com, "Adoptive Families" magazine, PBS SoCal's "To Foster Change" and PBS Parents. She was the subject of an article on race and adoption in "The Atlantic" and appeared on "HuffPost Live" and "One Bad Mother", where she shared her journey to adoption as a single Black woman.

Nefertiti's expertise stems from firsthand experience and degrees in U.S. History and African-American Studies. Nefertiti is a former Certified PS-MAPP Trainer, where she co-led classes for participants wanting to attain a license to foster and/or adopt children from the foster care system. An alumna of Breadloaf Writers' Conference and VONA, her first two novels, Eternity and Abandon, helped usher in the Black Romance genre in the mid-1990s.

Contact Nefertiti

www.nefertitiaustin.com

Instagram.com/iamnefertitiaustin

Twitter.com/nefertitiaustin

Facebook.com/nefertitiaustin

If you enjoyed this podcast, listen to:

Episode 55: Raising Kids who Love to Read with Anne Driscoll

Episode 61: National Adoption Awareness Month

Episode 93: Teaching Healthy Relationship Skills to Improve Lives

Three Strategies for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults

In this episode, I'm chatting with Dr. Rob Reiher, co-host of the Live Above the Noise podcast. Dr. Reiher is a developmental and educational psychologist, media expert and author. We discuss the escalating impact of technology, media, and consumerism and the overload on children, families, and society.

Dr. Reiher focuses on educating parents on the importance of teaching children to live above the noise and distraction of our world.

BIG IDEAS

• Dr. Reiher's career began in product development but it soon became clear to him that the corporate world was more interested in profits than psychology.
• When your work is not congruent with your beliefs, it can cause harm emotionally and physically. We need to live our values.
• Humans are hard-wired to be distracted and are wired with blind spots.
• The Inner IQ stands for Inner Integral Qualities – a critical set of inner qualities (such as self-management) that protect and prepare our children for the future.
• There are 3 IQ categories and each category breaks down into 3 sub-categories:
  • your child's character
    • identity, values, and virtues
  • your child's competence
    • self-management, meaning, and mastery
  • your child's communication system
    • "me-com", "we-com", and "it-com"
• All nine of those dimensions are critical for an individual's wellbeing and provide a framework to be able to see what's missing or breaking down.
• Integral Qualities are not the same as Intellectual Quotient, which is what is measured in schools.
• Because schools are they are not equipped to address the negative impact of toxic tech media and consumerism, they often contribute to the problem.
• It is ultimately up to parents to prepare their kids with these important internal qualities (IQ).
• It is important we learn to filter, manage and design our time, which can be broken down into 5 different types:
  • TCB - Taking Care of Business time
  • Toxic Time - when you feel emotional or upset
  • Coping Time - dealing with stress by distraction
  • Enrichment Time
  • Inside Time - self-talk, inner time
• Take the time to self-reflect, or use the 5 Step PAUSE:
  • P - Prepare
  • A - Attune
  • U - Uncover
  • S - Shift
  • E - Elevate
• The way you spend your time directly affects your wellbeing. For children to thrive and have fulfilling lives, we need to help them to live above the noise.

QUOTES

Audrey: "I think it's a really important concept to teach kids to be more aware of what they're feeling, how things are impacting them and an ability to see when, for example, something is addicting versus just entertaining."

Rob: "We have an infinite appetite for distraction...and its a good thing in some ways. But when it gets manipulated by companies, then you have to make a decision. The combination of an infinite appetite for distraction and over 180 blind spots, creates the background for major trade-offs."

Audrey: "It seems like the whole goal is to help parents to understand how they can protect their children and prepare them to live in this world that is an endless stream of distractions."

Rob: "If we look at wellbeing as the goal, not happiness, and then if we go underneath wellbeing and we say, what do we know in positive psychology about how wellbeing works, we can create a framework for parents that would give them a way to keep track of the dimensions of wellbeing that may be in jeopardy."

Rob: "It's like it is the hardest thing in the world, in this overwhelming society, to say, what do I pay attention to? What is important? There are so many people saying so many things."

Rob: "Let's redefine what a smart kid is and understand that from a wellbeing perspective, as opposed to what schools still keep in place as an IQ. Unfortunately, the traditional IQ intelligence quotient that our schools promote does not adequately address the growing negative impact of toxic tech media and consumerism on our children's development. School alone is simply not enough to prepare them for a fulfilling future."

Rob: "I'm in love with your camp concept because that's one of the places (where kids can develop the good kind of IQ) being away from home, getting that break from technology."

Rob: "Time is our biggest issue now and everybody's really struggling with their time. Ask yourself, what trade-offs are you making in life as a result of the time crunch?"

Rob: "One interesting thing about that time crunch is that 11 million bits of information per second is coming at us. We're only capable of processing 5.7 of the 11 million bits of information per second. So what does that mean? Well, the implication is you better have a filter."

Rob: "You'd better understand how you're using your time and start to filter and restructure the information coming in (we know the brain is biological and that we have neuroplasticity) because we're wiring what's coming into the brain."

Audrey: "This obviously needs to start with parents modeling this for their kids because we're not going to raise kids who have good time design if we haven't figured it out."

Rob: "I think what we forget about often is that there are always these three interacting dimensions in life and don't ever forget that the cultural dimension who is creating what they want to get your attention to take your time away to make you trade off your life is creating those kinds of things out there that are purely designed for addiction."

Rob: "I look at what has happened over the last 20 years, with this speed of change in the mix and with the tradeoffs that we've made, the inner communication has been the one that's been affected the most...That whole inner world which is the conduit to the higher brain functioning, to you abilities to understand yourself and revise you you are, is the one that's paying the biggest price for the change in culture."

Audrey: "It's so unusual today for kids to ever have five minutes where they're inside themselves just thinking, reflecting, and I think it's true with adults too. I think many adults go days, weeks, months without any inner reflection time."

Audrey: "My way of getting inside is to write down my thoughts. It gets me to slow down and stop doing that immediate-answer kind of thing. I do think that providing our kids and our families those kinds of opportunities, even if it's just five minutes sitting on the couch quietly together, stops all the craziness."

Rob: "The funnel of Choice-Fulness is first 'awareness', second 'ability' and then 'control'. If you don't work on the first part of the funnel, which is increasing your awareness, you're going to pay a price for your abilities because you need awareness. You translate those into how you control the world around you and you fine-tune your skills, what you've learned by uncovering those abilities, into your future."

RESOURCES

Listen to my interview on the Live Above the Noise podcast.

https://liveabovethenoise.com/podcasts/episode-15-parenting-expert-audrey-monke-social-skills-and-grit/

Find Dr. Reiher on LinkedIn

FutureWise Inc.

Books by Robert Reiher

Related Posts/Podcasts

If you enjoyed this podcast, listen to Episode 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Hoayoun.

Ep. 96: Unplugged & Happy at Camp

Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with Our Families

In this episode, Sara and I are chatting with Pam Roy, who offers research-based and important information for parents about education and career planning. We talk about how the world we're working in has changed and evolved since we were in college and how to position our kids for a successful future. This episode was recorded in response to the recent news about the college admissions scandal.

Here are a few relevant posts to check out on Pam's blog:

Preparing Students for Success in the New Economy

No Time to Lose: We Must Broaden Our Children's Exposure to the Real World

A Generation of Students Caught Between Two Worlds

Modern Parenting: The Downside of a One-sided Balance Sheet

The Dollars and Sense of a College Degree

Big Ideas

• A college degree does not necessarily make a successful adult.
• Human beings are not standardized, and our world needs all the different types of human beings.
• Many jobs require a very specific skill set, but not a degree.
• Millennials are getting to make choices about their work-life balance.
• Debt curtails choice.
• There are many different pathways to success today.
• We have many choices today that we didn't have five years ago.

Quotes

Pam: "I started my blog because I, myself, went back to college. And while I was at college- I have three daughters who are now eighteen, nineteen, and twenty-one, who are also either in the college process or in college. So lots of college, college, college, all around me."

Pam: "I found in my experience at college that something was happening where education was operating in a silo, separate from what was happening in the real world. And this I was very curious about. Why weren't they teaching about what was actually happening in the real world?"

Pam: "I began exploring the economy. And the changes in the economy that had come about because of the technology. And this whole new world that's been changed because we have smartphones and clouds and all this new way of operating and automation taking over a lot of it."

Audrey: "In a lot of other countries they do things differently. Kids have a bit more of an ability to think about other things they could possibly do, and I know a lot of high schools have some really cool programs where you can explore auto mechanics, welding."

Sara: "If we start with the end in mind, if we stop and say, ' what is a successful grownup?', our definition isn't going to be 'for your degree at Harvard'."

Pam: "We are undergoing the greatest transformation human civilization has ever known. We're no longer working in a physical world. We are working in a cyber-physical space."

Pam: "Human beings are not standardized, and our world needs all the different types of human beings."

Pam: "All these pathways have opened up since our industries have unbundled."

Audrey: "The problem has become when we're trying to cram everybody, the squares, the triangles, and the hexagons, into one round hole."

Pam: "We have this idealism, born of an old idea, and we're not stepping back and realizing how much our worlds have transformed, what that means for the new economy, and the fact that our kids are entering an era that looks much different from what we knew."

Pam: "We've raised a very sick generation. There are so many that commit suicide."

Pam: "The work-life balance for these millennials- they're choosing it! Seventy percent choose their work-life balance."

Pam: "When you have debt you do not have choice."

Sara: "We can cultivate our kids' interests at a very young age."

Pam: "I did that Coursera course, on the Science of Wellbeing, from the Yale professor, Dr. Santos, and she talked about reference points, and how critical it was to wellbeing to have alternative reference points."

Pam: "It's not saying college is bad. College is an 'if and when' decision now."

Pam: "It all starts with interests and strengths. That is the key."

Audrey: "Everything that I learned to do, that I do today, I learned outside of school. With the exception of learning to write."

Links

Pam's Website

David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants

Coursera course on the science of wellbeing: https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being

Articles about the College Admissions Scandal:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/zackfriedman/2019/03/18/30-facts-college-admissions-scandal/#23ca776112a0

http://nymag.com/intelligencer/2019/03/college-admissions-scandal-what-every-kid-knew.html

Related posts and podcasts

Ep. 59: 5 Ways to Help Kids Thrive in Middle School and Beyond

Ep. 77: Comparison is the Thief of (Parenting) Joy

Conversations Before College: Who You are Matters More Important Than Where You Go

Each month this year, I’ve shared a One Simple Thing tip for creating happier, more connected families. For this episode, I share all twelve tips! 12 Tips for Happier, More Connected Families January: Daily Family Sharing February:

In Episode 103, I'm chatting with Carla Naumberg, a writer, speaker, clinical social worker, and parenting coach. She's the author of three parenting books, including the one that we discuss in this podcast episode, How To Stop Losing Your S*** With Your Kids: A practical guide to becoming a calmer, happier parent.

BIG IDEAS

• Mindful parenting allows you to have stronger relationships with your children and enjoy parenting more.
• The strategies you use to remain calm with your kids will work with everyone else as well.
• Parents often feel deep, overwhelming shame about the way they explode at their kids and this often gets in the way of their ability to parent in the way they want to.
• When parents become triggered, it's the fight or flight response of their nervous system being activated.
• Parents need the time to exercise, to get some quiet time alone, and to do some fun things. This will make them less likely to yell at their kids.
• Parents need support.
• Parents should realize that it's necessary to take care of themselves, and they are worthy of doing that.

QUOTES

Carla: "The whole point of mindful parenting is so that we can have a stronger relationship with our children and enjoy parenting more."

Audrey: "All of these strategies that you share here also work with siblings, aging parents, spouses, co-workers. In general, the same strategies that help you to stay calm and respond more the way you want to with your kids, also help with everyone else."

Carla: "So many parents feel a deep shame about the way they explode with their kids. The shame, for some parents, is really overwhelming and it's paralyzing. And it gets in the way of their ability to parent the way they want to."

Carla: "Everyone talks about kids pushing our buttons, or your buttons being pushed. I love that because it's a great metaphor for what's going on in our bodies and our nervous systems when we are 'triggered'. I define 'triggered' as anything that makes us more likely to lose our temper with our kids. So when we are triggered, we are in some kind of a heightened state and it's really about our nervous system and this fight or flight reaction that we have. Even when it's a kid who we on some level know can't really hurt us, there is something about their behavior that is threatening to us on an emotional level, on a psychological level, and maybe even on a physical level."

Carla: "The goal here is to not get our kids to stop pushing our buttons. That would be a nice goal but it's not realistic. So the goal of the book, and what I talk about, is how can we make our buttons smaller and dimmer and less sensitive, so that when the kid comes around with their finger out, looking for something to push, it's not going to be us."

Carla: "Getting time away from your kids, getting quiet time, getting time to do something fun is important. But a big one that I think most parents aren't even aware of is this idea that I bring up of single-tasking, which is doing one thing at a time. What I think many parents don't realize is that any time we're multi-tasking, or trying to do multiple things at once, we're actually triggering ourselves."

Carla: " The way to get better at this is to think of it as a practice. And by practice, I mean something that when you start out you're really not very good at it, and then the more you do it, you actually get better at it. The idea is to notice when our mind is wandering and then to make a conscious decision to bring it back to this thing we're doing. That's going to put you in a much better position to notice when you're about to lose your temper. And so when you notice that, you can make a choice to do something other than yelling at your kids."

Carla: "We don't get the support we need and there's no shame in asking for support and help. So, in the book, I want to break it down for people. What kind of support do we need? Really, I get very specific and concrete about the kinds of support we need, what it looks like, and how to find it. And how it can make parenting so much easier."

Carla: "I think that the amount of stress and tension that we carry, and this need to manage every aspect of our kids' lives, and that it all has to be perfect, absolutely contributes to the extent to which we lose our temper with our children."

Carla: "I think it's really important to start to shift our mindset so that we are worthy of taking care of ourselves. Even if for no other reason than we will be yelling at our kids less often."

Related Podcasts/Posts

Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child

Ep. 89: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men

10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down

Book Summary

Ever lose it with your kid? If so, you're definitely not alone. Parenting is stressful, children are insane, and you're only human. Carla Naumburg, PhD, a clinical social worker, was so at a loss with her daughters that she found herself Googling "how to stop yelling at my kids" during a particularly grueling evening. That moment led to this book—a short, empathic, insight-packed, and tip-filled program for how to manage your triggers, stop the meltdowns, and become a calmer, happier parent with calmer, happier kids.

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids not only explains why we explode at our children but also teaches us everything we need to know to decrease stress and increase patience, even in the most challenging family moments. Based on recent research and evidence-based practices, and written in the warm, funny, instantly relatable tone of a parent who's been there, the book guides even the most harried parents toward a new way of engaging with their children. Readers will come away feeling less ashamed and more empowered to get their sh*t together, instead of losing it.

About Carla

Carla Naumburg, PhD, is a writer, speaker, and clinical social worker. She is the author of three parenting books: How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids (Workman, 2019), Ready, Set, Breathe: Practicing Mindfulness with Your Children for Fewer Meltdowns and a More Peaceful Family (New Harbinger, 2015), and Parenting in the Present Moment: How to Stay Focused on What Really Matters (Parallax, 2014). Carla has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, CNN, and Mindful Magazine, among other places. Carla is a sought-after public speaker, and she lives outside of Boston with her husband, daughters, and two totally insane cats.

Links

Carla's Website: www.carlanaumburg.com

Instagram: @carlanaumburg

Facebook: Carla Naumburg, PhD

Twitter: @swmama

Newsletter: www.carlanaumburg.com/signup

10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs

Listener Question: How do I help my 13-year-old daughter with her social anxiety?

Social Anxiety Resources: What is Social Anxiety?Social Anxiety Disorder, WED MD

Parenting News: New research on screen time's impact on our kids' ability to persevere through problem solving: "Turn it Off Right Now!" Great Schools

Parenting Tip: Have family members think up a "question of the night" for each person to answer.

Quote of the cast:

"True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island...to find one real friend is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing." Baltasar Gracian

Resources/Related: Questions for Connections10 Ways to Create a Happy and Connected Class5 Steps to Help Kids Resolve Conflicts10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm DownWhy Cheerleaders Have Happier Marriages, Christine Carter

In Episode 102, I'm chatting with Lisa Heffernan, the co-founder of Grown and Flown, the popular website, blog and Facebook group with nearly 120,000 members. We talk about the brand new book that she has co-authored with Mary Dell Harrington, called Grown And Flown, How To Support Your Teen, Stay Close As Family, And Raise Independent Adults, which draws upon the expert advice they've curated over the years. Just as their tagline suggests, "Parenting Never Ends." Kids need different types of support from their parents when they've left home and parents need to make big adjustments, as well. We discuss some common issues faced by parents with "grown" kids.

In Episode 53, I'm chatting with my oldest daughter and favorite high school English teacher, Gretchen Monke. She has done a terrific job of connecting with her students and has some excellent insights on how parents can partner with teachers to help kids succeed at school. We discuss four ways to help your child succeed at school.

#1 Promote Ownership Over Their own Education

Help child take more ownership over their own education.

Encourage them to communicate directly with their teacher.

#2 Help Them Get Organized

Organizational skills are really important. Make sure they have an organized agenda and binder.

Digital organization is important, as well.

A lot of children don't have organizational skills.

"But ultimately is the student's responsibility to take that information and learn it and apply it. And I think sometimes parents place that responsibility on teachers."

"I can teach your child how to write a paragraph, but I can't write it for them."

#3 Teach Kids to Be Proactive

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens is a book about habits that can help your teen improve different aspects of their life.

1st Habit is being proactive

"I really want to work on fostering a better relationship with my parents."

Teens still want a close relationship with parents.

Share Advice with Teachers

Share your child's interests/what you enjoy.

"If you have a child who is struggling to develop that independence and autonomy and is maybe nervous talking to their teachers, something that has worked well is a parent has emailed me and said, 'Hey, would you mind prompting this discussion with my student?'"

"We need to communicate with each other. Let's all share information." Audrey

#4 Give Teachers Some Grace

"Approach teachers with patience." Gretchen

"I value every student as an individual, but it's hard to help everyone at once." Gretchen

"We need to be a little more forgiving/understanding at seeing other people's perspective." Audrey

"We're all on the same team so that partnership is really, really important." Audrey

Resources/Links

Ep. 43: The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey

AVID - college readiness

The Gift of Failure, Jessica Lahey

How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

The Wisdom of High School Girls