Sunshine Parenting

"Giving too much is oftentimes an affliction of the wealthy, but taking away the struggle is a problem with everybody."

-Richard Watts

"Palm trees, in that process of growing, what's actually happening in the wind is they're actually cracking and they're breaking. And when the skin breaks, they scar. And when they scar, they become stronger. And as they get older and older, they get to the point where they have so much scarring that they can withstand almost any storm. And what we do with our kids, it's almost like taking a palm tree indoors. We want to grow them and nurture them in a greenhouse..."

-Richard Watts

Entitlemania: How Not to Spoil Your Kids, and What to Do if You Have

Back in April, when Sara Kuljis and I spoke at Pegasus School, parents there told me about Richard Watts, who had spoken at the school earlier in the year. We were introduced, and he then sent me a copy of his book Entitlemania. In this episode, we talk about the book and Richard's ideas about what to do and what not to do when it comes to passing along your family business, planning for your estate, and giving your kids big gifts.

BIG IDEAS

• Certain difficulties and issues go along with being very wealthy.
• When people get very wealthy they tend to become isolated and suspicious because the people around them usually have an ulterior motive in getting to know them.
• By insulating your kids and buying their way out of failure, you're not allowing them to learn about long-term staying power, how to manage themselves or to discover their passion.
• It seems that everybody at all income levels, in this generation of parents, wants to take away the problems from their kids, hold them close, and make sure that they don't ever get hurt.
• By getting things wrong, kids learn how to get things right.
• Taking over the family business can place a child on a path of a career choice that's not being found or directed by that child, and, as a result, they will lack passion.
• It's not healthy to bring your kids into your estate planning too early because it takes away the incentive for them to go forward and do their own thing.
• It's important to ensure that however you give your kids money, you don't change their current lifestyle.

QUOTES

Richard: "The entitlement issue brings on two different components. One, giving too much, and two, taking away the struggle. Giving too much is oftentimes an affliction of the wealthy, but taking away the struggle is a problem with everybody."

Audrey: "It's so true that in nature we have a great example of what we need to do for our kids, which is to allow them to get blown around a little when they're small, more and more as they get older, and help them, be there for them, but not stop them from bending and going through those difficult, challenging circumstances."

Richard: "By getting it wrong, they will learn to get it right.

Richard: "The reason that I generally believe that family businesses create conflict is that it starts a child on a path of a career choice and a passion that's not being found or directed by the child. And oftentimes, it causes a lot of family disharmony."

Richard: "You can never outrun someone who's being fueled by passion. Never. The person with a passion can live it all day long, they can sleep it all night long, they can get up in the morning and do it, but they're so passionate because they built it and they own it, that they go 100%. Well, when you do that kind of a job, it's oftentimes very difficult for a child to follow and not feel like they have this unspoken criticism of never measuring up to what Mom and Dad did."

Richard: "If I were doing it the right way, I would have the daughter go and work for a competitor, and say, 'Here, go get a job over there, and look around and spend two to three years working there and see if you like it, without having the nepotism of everyone knowing that you had the right last name, and so everyone's going to treat you special. You need to go over there and learn the hard way. And then, if you really like it, let's talk'."

Richard: "I believe that it's not good to bring your kids in at early stages to your wealth, to your estate planning, because the truth is that it's part of giving too much. It's part of ensuring their future and it takes away the opportunities for them to go out and to have the incentive to go forward and do their own thing. When they know there's a safety net, they tend not to grapple with their own future quite as seriously."

Richard: "'How much is too much to give our kids?' is the wrong question. The right question is, 'How little is too little?' So I tell my clients to begin by giving them nothing."

Richard: "I tell my clients that I would rather see them secure their kids' future than to spoil their future. And securing might mean giving them money so that if they have hospital problems, and medical problems, and children that have got deficits, education that you want to pay for, for your grandkids--all of those things are really great ways to secure their future. And you can do that with simple trusts."

Richard: "My overview is that you just need to make sure that however you give them the money, you don't change their current lifestyle. You don't want them to start buying material things. You want to just ensure the wellbeing of their future."

Richard: "In giving our kids all the things we didn't have, we forget to give them what we did have."

About Richard

Richard Watts is the founder and president of Family Business office, a legal and consulting firm in Orange County, California. He is a published author of "Fables of Fortune: What Rich People Have That You Don't Want," and "Entitlemania: How Not to Spoil Your Kids, and What to Do If You Have." Richard writes for and contributes to numerous publications including Newsweek, Forbes, CNBC, Variety Magazine, and The Washington Times, among others. And has appeared on Fox Nation, NPR, NBC, and CBS. Richard speaks internationally on the effects of wealth on parenting and the American family. Variety Magazine calls Richard, "one of the nation's leading experts on the issues of child entitlement and family wealth.

Resources/Related Episodes

http://www.entitlemania.com/

https://www.facebook.com/entitlemania/

https://twitter.com/richwatts

If you liked this episode, listen to Ep.100: Teen's Advice for Raising Responsible, Independent Kids

Ep. 59: 5 Ways to Help Kids Thrive During their School Years and Beyond with Pam Roy

Ep. 11: The Opposite of Spoiled with Ron Leiber

How Doing Less Made Me a Better Parent

7 Ways to Help Kids Through their Teen Years

In Episode 100, I'm chatting with an amazing group of young adults ages 16 and 17 who participated in a month-long junior counselor program. They share their thoughts on ways parents can raise thriving, independent and responsible young adults.

BIG IDEAS

• To help kids learn, gain confidence and independence, there are things parents should be letting their kids do early on, such as:
  • traveling alone, navigating the airport, even flying by themselves
  • packing bags, getting their own school stuff together
  • doing their own laundry
  • cooking (especially holiday meals),
  • managing their time
• Establish expectations and a level of trust with your teen.
• Using technology to track your kids can cause unnecessary stress.
• Camp is a great break for parents because they don't track their kids. They know they're safe and so they can relax.
• Talk ahead of time about safe, comfortable ways to communicate with your teen while they are out so that you can be there to help when needed.
• Trust first. Trust that your child is responsible until they prove you wrong.

QUOTES

Audrey: "When parents are there (kids) just kind of default to letting them do it all because they're so used to doing it. It's easy for parents to just drag (kids) along. But parents can start putting kids in charge, even when they're there, and they can start that really young."

Audrey: "When you think about college and who you want in your dorm, you want people who've had experience taking care of themselves a little bit and living in a shared space."

Audrey: "When kids are going to preschool and you're helping them get their lunchbox ready, that is appropriate. But I think sometimes it just keeps going a little too long. You could switch over to just saying, 'Okay not that you're in (whatever grade) you get to start being in charge of remembering your own lunch' and that kind of thing."

Audrey: "If someone else packs your backpack for you every day, at what point do you figure out what you need and how to do it yourself?"

Audrey: "Being aware that you have things to learn is the starting point. A lot of it is your responsibility to figure out. So, if your parents empower you like, 'Hey—what are the things you want to learn this year?' that is a big deal."

Audrey: "It's kind of interesting how focused we are on academic stuff, but we neglect to learn some things that are part of being an independent person like being able to take care of your belongings, your laundry, your feeding, all that stuff."

Teens: "Kids love to cook, too. Instead of saying, 'No, can I just get this done?' allow them to do little tasks like mixing the brownie mix, cracking the eggs. Encouraging that at a young age spikes interest and eventually, you don't even realize that you already learned how to scramble eggs or make a quesadilla."

Teens: "I wish my parents gave me more responsibility and made me feel like they trusted me. My parents do track me wherever I go, check all my social media, look at my phone and I have no privacy. That makes me feel like I'm not trusted or like I don't have as much of my own life. If they gave me more freedom, I feel like it could be better."

Audrey: "The problem is that you can't prove to someone that you can do something until you're given the opportunity to try it."

Audrey: "We're living in a time where parents are very fear-based. They're so worried that something terrible is going to happen and we believe that if we know where you are, something terrible is not going to happen. But it's kind of weird because just knowing where someone is doesn't mean that or really make the difference."

Audrey: "If something's not going well, I want my kids to come to me and ask for advice if they need me to help but I don't want my kids to be thinking that I'm going to take care of it for them."

Audrey: "Anything that someone else if doing for you means that there is no motivation to figure it out for yourself. If you know someone else is going to take care of it, why would you start?"

Teens: "If you establish expectations and your kids know that you're there if needed but also what is expected of them and if you want your kids to do those things, then there's a level of trust that exists that is necessary for a healthy relationship."

Audrey: "I think it's causing a lot of stress for parents because now they think they're supposed to be checking their kids' everything, every day. That is like a whole other job."

Audrey: "There's so much dangerous stuff happening on college campuses and kids go from like the kind of things that we're all talking about to basically being unsupervised 100% of the time. And for a lot of kids it leads to just bad decisions because they haven't had much practice. Because if you've been so closely monitored, you haven't had any practice making decisions."

RELATED:

Ep. 92: Creating Strong Relationships with Teens

Ep. 27: Raising Teens who Thrive with Stephen Wallace

https://sunshine-parenting.com/2018/05/what-do-kids-need-at-different-ages/

LINKS:

Audrey's website www.sunshine-parenting.com

Audrey's email: [email protected]

I wrote the book, Happy Campers, 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, because I really wanted to share with parents and teachers some of the simple strategies that we use at summer camp to create these really amazing experiences for our campers, where they grow in their confidence, social skills, and happiness, over just a few weeks at camp. You can find out all about Happy Campers on my website at www.happycampersbook.com.

If you're interested in joining a group conversation, seeing videos and additional resources related to Happy Campers, there's lots more information about my summer read-along on my website, in the Book Hub.

The Myth of the Perfect Girl

In Episode 99, I talk with Ana Homayoun, a nationally recognized counselor and consultant specializing in positive strategies for junior high and high school students. Ana was previously on the podcast (Ep. 45) talking about her book Social Media Wellness: Helping Tweens and Teens Thrive in an Unbalanced Digital World (Corwin Teaching Essentials).

I feel equally as enthusiastic about her book, The Myth of the Perfect Girl: Helping Our Daughters Find Authentic Success and Happiness in School and Life, and that's the book we talk about in this episode.

We cover a few of the topics from the book, including why girls tend to think they have to be perfect, why girls are especially sensitive to and influenced by the expectations of others, and ways we can encourage our daughters to seek their own path and their own interests in life.

Big Ideas

• Ana and her team at Green Ivy Educational Consulting want kids to develop into thoughtful, resilient, and interesting young people. And to take those skills to college and beyond.
• It's important for kids to find a sense of joy and fulfillment, and also a sense of purpose and meaning in their daily work, both inside and outside of the classroom.
• There's a lot around the culture of perfectionism that doesn't go away when we get older.
• We all need to reflect and get to know what's important to us, and what our own values are, to be the most powerful that we can be within our own minds.
• Girls often struggle to figure out what brings them a personal sense of purpose, joy, and fulfillment, in their quest to achieve external standards of perfection.
• Kids need to have some time off.
• Children need to understand whether what they are doing is energizing or draining.
• Summer camp offers kids a change in schedule, and an opportunity to learn things in a different environment.
• Parents should focus on having compassion, empathy, and understanding around social media use, and also around their child being a middle-schooler or a high-schooler in general.
• Parents need to understand and accept unconditionally who their kids are.
• Spiritual wellness is important, as well as social, emotional, and physical wellness.

Quotes

Ana: "So much around the culture of perfectionism doesn't go away when we get older."

Ana: "We see the research that says anxiety and depression, particularly among teen girls, are increasing. I think part of it is if we back up and figure out why are we not having the conversation around purpose and meaning earlier? So that kids can explore and build their own blueprint, rather than what I call 'borrow someone else's'. In the book, I call it 'filling the box' rather than 'building your own'. What it means really, is that you're constantly looking at what everyone else is doing, rather than figuring out 'what's important to me. What are my values? How are my daily habits reflecting those values or moving me closer, or away from those values?' "

Ana: "Parents need to help their kids identify what energizes them and what drains them. And to look at their behaviors accordingly. A mistake we make around social media and technology is that we always tell kids what they should be doing. But we don't even look at our own modeling around it."

Ana: "Instead of coming from a place of anger and frustration, parents should really focus on having compassion, empathy, and understanding, not just around social media use, but really around being a middle-schooler or a high-schooler in general. Because the combination of going through puberty, and having excessive academic and extra-curricular and athletic expectations, is a never-ending 'nothing is ever good enough.' "

Ana: "The number one thing that middle-school and high-school girls can benefit from is parents who assess their own house, socially. Even if you feel so secure as an adult, there is that twinge of challenge when you watch your child struggle socially."

Ana: "Understand who your child is and accept them for who they are. Really understanding and accepting your daughter as who she is, and allowing her to develop into her sense of self; unconditional acceptance is also really important."

Ana: "A lot of times kids put stress on themselves, and pressure on themselves, because they see what everybody else is doing."

Ana: "Make sure that your child has multiple outlets, or what I call 'clusters of connection'."

Ana: "A lot of people don't fully realize all the media that girls are consuming when they look at reality television and the relationships and how they're portrayed on reality television. So helping them evaluate, 'what is it that I'm consuming?' 'What is it that's coming into my life?' And, 'what are the things that you need to do to feel emotionally based and secure so that you can promote physical wellness around nutrition, exercise, and place?' "

Ana: "Spiritual wellness is important, as well as social, emotional, and physical wellness."

About Ana

When Ana Homayoun was a senior in college, she had a professor ask her what qualities she wanted in a career. "I want to write, I want to travel, and I want to help people," she said without missing the beat.

Two decades later, she does all of the above. Ana Homayoun is an author, educator, and coach who helps teens and young adults grow into resilient, thoughtful, and engaged young people. She is the founder of the Silicon Valley-based Green Ivy Educational Consulting, and travels around the world speaking at schools and conferences. Her work has been featured in the NYTimes, Chicago Tribune, SF Chronicle, ABC News, and USA Today, among others, and she is a frequent guest on NPR. Her first book, That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week quickly became a classic for those who deal with disorganization and distractions. Her second book, The Myth of the Perfect Girl highlights the modern day dilemmas of today's teen girls and young adult women, and was heralded by one college student as being the book "that discusses what everyone is dealing with but no one is talking about." Her latest book, Social Media Wellness, caused her to spend far more hours than she would like to admit using Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter.

Green Ivy Consulting

For nearly two decades, Ana Homayoun's work has focused on helping teenagers and young adults develop their own blueprints for success. Her prescriptive solutions promote better executive functioning skills, effectively address the culture of teen perfectionism, and provide practical real-life advice on how to promote social media wellness in an always-on digital world. Her authentic wisdom and sensible perspective is real, relevant, and adored by parents, educators and teens around the world.

Ana works with middle school and high school students on organization, time management, and finding purpose. She and her team help students figure out their own goals and the daily habits they need to practice in order to achieve those goals. She helps make the college admissions process an empowering rather than a stressful experience.

I'm looking forward to my son (starting his senior year in August) working with Ana and her team at Green Ivy on his college application process. They help students organize the process so that they do 2-4 hours of work on applications per week (2-3 tasks), maximize sleep, wellness, and free time, and are done with applications by early December. Sounds great to me!

Resources & Related Posts

Ana's Website

Free Download about The Myth of the Perfect Girl (on Ana's Book Page)

Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun

Ep. 73: Under Pressure with Lisa Damour

Ep. 43: The Gift of Failure with Jessica Lahey

Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths

4 Ways to Focus on Kids' Strengths

The Wisdom of High School Girls

Raising Girls

7 Ways to Help Your Daughter Become a Thriving Adult

Helpful Books for Raising Daughters

Enjoy Your Teen Daughter

The Anatomy of Trust by Brene Brown (Audrey mentioned in this episode.)

Book Trailer for Myth of the Perfect Girl

Ana's Books That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life

Social Media Wellness: Helping Tweens and Teens Thrive in an Unbalanced Digital World (Corwin Teaching Essentials)

Listen to Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun

Episode 95 is a replay of one of my most popular episodes (Ep. 20) with a new intro and additional tips. In this episode, I interview Tina Payne Bryson about the book she co-authored with Dr. Dan Siegel, The Yes Brain- How To Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience In Your Child. We talk about what a "Yes Brain" is, how it's different from a "No Brain," why it's so important to cultivate "yes brains" in our children and in ourselves, and strategies for enlarging our "green zones."

Big Ideas

• The brain is either in a receptive state or a reactive state. • A "Yes Brain" is open and resilient in the world. • A "No Brain" is shut down and reactive in the world. • The Green Zone is a Yes Brain state. • The Blue Zone is a reactive state where our nervous system is turned down too far. • When we are in the Red Zone or the Blue Zone, we are in a reactive state. • The goal is to expand the Green Zone over time. • A fear state is a No Brain state. • The point of discipline is to teach, so in order to become disciplined, kids need to be in a state of mind in which they can actually learn. This is the Green Zone. • If a child is falling apart, they need connection and empathy. Connection and empathy will calm their nervous system down quickly.

Quotes

Tina: "The brain is either in a receptive state or it's in a reactive state. So we're calling those states a 'yes' state and a 'no' state- a Yes Brain and a No Brain."

Tina: "A Yes Brain is one that is open, and receptive, and resilient. It's one that, even when something is really hard, will be willing to stick with it. We're willing to push through and stay calm enough on the inside so that we can be curious, and creative, and really handle ourselves well, even when things are not going well."

Tina: "A No Brain, on the opposite side of that, is a brain that is shut down and rigid. It's like those times when our kids are unwilling to try something new, or they're really hard on themselves, or they are full of fear or anger, and they're reactive and lash out."

Tina: "A Yes Brain is one that is open and resilient in the world, and No Brain is one that is shut down and reactive in the world."

Audrey: "Adults still struggle with those things. We all have those things that trigger us into our No Brain, and we say and do things that we wish we hadn't afterwards."

Tina: "One of the hallmarks of all of our books is that at the end of the book is a 'refrigerator sheet'. So the big ideas of the book, the summary, and the main bullet points are in a 'refrigerator sheet' so you can make a copy of it and reference it."

Tina: "The cartoons give kids actual tools that they can use to help them to have more of a Yes Brain approach in the world."

Tina: "The Green Zone is really a Yes Brain state."

Tina: "When you get really afraid or angry, or you're having a really hard time, you're more in a reactive state, you feel it in your body. Your heart beats faster, your muscles tense up, all those kinds of things. We would call that the Red Zone."

Tina: "The Blue Zone is also a reactive state where our nervous system is turned down too far."

Tina: "When we are in the Red Zone or the Blue Zone, we are in a reactive state. We can't really handle ourselves well and we aren't really being resilient in the moment.

Tina: "The Green Zone is the Yes Brain state where even if things are frustrating, or scary, or really fun, or whatever it is, that we are balanced in our bodies and our minds, so that we can be the most resilient, and curious, and creative, and problem solvers."

Tina: "I talk to parents, and educators, and clinicians, and camp counselors about how we can think about our goals as caregivers of other children- and even of ourselves."

Tina: "The goal is to expand the Green Zone over time. This is a survive and thrive sort of mentality."

Tina: "The key is that we want to find out specifically what the fears (around going to camp) are."

Tina: "Approach the child with your own Yes Brain, in a very curious, open state. You want to give them specific tools. You want to allow them to sit in the discomfort of their feelings and not distract them from it."

Tina: "We acknowledge the feeling, we sit in the feeling, but we don't get stuck in the feeling."

Tina: "A fear state is a No Brain state. It's natural and normal, and we all feel it at times. The key is not to say 'I should never feel that way'. The key is 'How do I help my child go from that state into one where they can tolerate it and become triumphant?'."

Tina: "We want just the right amount of stress, just the right amount of challenge for children because then they can do it triumphantly."

Tina: "The whole point of discipline is to teach, so kids have to be in a state of mind in which they can actually learn, which is the Green Zone."

Tina: "The number one thing you can do in the moment if your child is falling apart, is connection and empathy."

Tina: "In a No Brain state, a reactive state where we're not thinking clearly, our nervous system is actually in a state of stress-response, as if something's threatening or actually happening. And the thing that calms our nervous system down more than anything else, and allows us to return to that calm Green Zone state, is safety and connection."

Tina: "Sometimes Red Zone states of mind lead to really bad behavior."

Tina: "The quickest thing to calm the nervous system down is empathy and connection."

Tina: "The Red Zone becomes contagious."

Tina: "If you're screaming at someone, basically you're threatening them. When our brains detect threat, they go into a reactive state in order to survive."

Tina: "One way we can bring in empathy and connection is to sit in a really relaxed posture, below the child's eye level. And stop lecturing and say something empathetic, like 'Oh, buddy, you're so angry right now. You're having such a hard time and I can see how upset you are'. And also say 'I'm right here with you.'."

Tina: "The empathy piece allows the child to feel safe and allows their nervous system to go into a state of connection. And it reintegrates the brain and allows them to be sane again."

Tina: "Movement helps release some of that Red Zone energy."

Tina: "One of the best things we can do as parents if we're in the Red Zone, is to activate a different neural network by how we move our bodies, how we talk and use our voices.

Tina: "All of our books are written with the exhausted, blurry-eyed parent in mind, and they really are quick reads."

About Tina

Dr. Tina Payne Bryson is the co-author (with Dan Siegel) of THE YES BRAIN (Random House, 2018) and the upcoming THE POWER OF SHOWING UP (Random House, 2020), as well as two New York Times bestsellers -- THE WHOLE-BRAIN CHILD (Random House Delacorte, 2011), and NO-DRAMA DISCIPLINE (Random House Bantam, 2014) -- each of which has been translated into over thirty languages. Tina is also working on a new book, THE BOTTOM LINE FOR BABY. Tina is a psychotherapist and the Founder/Executive Director of The Center for Connection, a multidisciplinary clinical practice, and of The Play Strong Institute, a center devoted to the study, research, and practice of play therapy through a neurodevelopment lens.

Links

Tina's Website

Dr. Dan Siegel's Website

The Center for Connection

Other Books by Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Dan Siegel:

The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

No Drama Discipline

The Power of Showing Up (January, 2020) - I've already pre-ordered!

Related Posts, Podcast Episodes, & Videos:

Helping Kids Find Their "Green Zone"

The Yes Brain

Ep. 30: How to Raise a Durable Human with JJ Madden

Ep. 71: Growing Your Child's "Bushy Broccoli Brain"

10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down

Tina Talking about "The YES Brain at Camp"

Tina introducing The YES Brain (before the book release)

In Episode 96, I'm talking with my friend Brooke Cheley-Klebe of Cheley Colorado Camps. We cover a range of summer camp-related topics including longer camp stays, adjusting to camp and overcoming homesickness, what it's like for teenagers to have the much-needed break from screens, video games, and social media that traditional summer camp programs provide, and the life-long friendships that campers develop at camp.

Getting Unplugged at Camp (audio is in the intro for this episode):

BIG IDEAS

• It's as important to build the character of the youth as it is to educate them.
• Children return from a longer camp stay with freshness and with a new sense of confidence and independence.
• Unplugging for an extended period of time gives kids the opportunity to develop new habits.
• In a 27 day time period, kids really are able to jump into the camp experience, settle in, and make friendships.
• Twenty-seven days is long enough for kids to have to work through it if they are homesick or if there's somebody at camp that they don't get along with.
• A longer camp stay helps kids learn to appreciate their families and their siblings.

QUOTES

Audrey: "Cheley is very well respected and well-known all across the country and among camps as being an amazing, life-changing program with a very loyal following of long-time families."

Brooke: "Parents say that when they see their children return from camp, they see this new sense of confidence and independence, and just this freshness about them that maybe they didn't have when they left to go to camp."

Brooke: "With camp being 27 days, kids really have the opportunity to set new habits. They don't miss their devices. They really don't."

Audrey: "Your uniqueness in the length of stay is something that you're offering that other camps aren't."

Brooke: "To some people, 27 days sounds really long but the thing I hear most from parents when they come to pick up their children is that the times goes by so fast!"

Audrey: "I always feel like the first week is sort of getting settled and overcoming homesickness for kids who are anticipating the stay, no matter how long it is. Settling in and getting to know your group and feeling comfortable takes a little while."

Brooke: "There's been a lot of research about just how over-programmed our children are. So with the camp being 27 days, they have the opportunity to get enough sleep, and to have downtime."

Brooke: "We used to be really structured and then we came to this point where we said, 'Let the kids drive it. Let them be bored and see what they come up with.' And it's been really beautiful. The kids love it. It makes them feel that they are the ones choosing how they want to spend their time. And it also gets in touch with that part of the brain that doesn't get touched during the rest of the year."

Audrey: "Because of the length of stay, they do get more time to hang out with each other and more downtime. Whereas in shorter camp stays, camps try to pack in all the activities offered by longer camps. But you can't add in all that very valuable downtime, free time, letting kids just have that unstructured play."

Audrey: "It's just so beautiful to watch kids rediscover play. I think that that's one of the magical things about 27 days of camp."

Brooke: "We feel like we're up against the school calendars, the sports coaches that say you have to be back for this camp or you won't make the team, or this training, or whatever. But we are sticking to it. We feel like the design of our program and the things the campers get to do by the end of the term- they need to be there for that amount of time."

Audrey: "They say that everyone's overtraining in their one sport so going on a backpacking trip and getting that good cardio, climbing, being in the altitude, is probably great for almost every sport. Kids come back in better shape for sure."

Audrey: "Many of the philosophies of the people who started camps still hold true today."

Audrey: "Shifting a mindset is what we want to do with kids. Because it's not just that we want them to experience something that is good in the moment, we want them to have this (long term) shift in mindset from camp."

Brooke: "Teens like handing over their phones. They know that is good for their brains. They feel it. I think the connections they make at camp are so fulfilling and strong that it's what gets them through the school year."

Audrey: "Teenagers have always had just a pretty intense social experience, at school and in life. Now they have this whole other social experience (being on social media) that they have to manage. So they have to manage their day at school with people and then they have to manage this whole other social thing and it's really hard, and it's not good for their wellbeing."

Brooke: "The activities that we're doing are so challenging that they really have to push through. That gives them a basis to work off of in the school year. They get that they have the tools to do that."

Audrey: "I'm really excited about all the research we're seeing come out around the impact of camp on kids' development. What I've found really interesting is that they're finding that any length of camp stay is helpful for kids. But the benefits accrue for kids who come back to camp year after year."

Brooke: "Make sure that your kids are ready for the camp experience because you want that first year to be successful so that it sets the foundation for them to want to return. I think that the magic is definitely in multi-summers. We love watching these kids grow up!"

Audrey: "The things they've experienced in those 27 days translate to lifelong changes in the person's life."

Audrey: "If we all sat around waiting to be 'ready' we would never do anything. You can't really be ready until you've tried it."

Brooke: "I often talk to parents that aren't ready but the kids are ready. And in that instance, I think they need to come."

LINKS

Cheley Colorado Camp's website: www.cheley.com

You will also find Cheley Colorado Camp on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter

Cheley Camps YouTube Channel

Untangled by Lisa Damour

Audrey's website www.sunshine-parenting.com

Audrey's email: [email protected]

RELATED POSTS/PODCASTS

My 24 Hours Unplugged

Get Unplugged

Ep. 39: How to Handle Your Camper's Homesickness

Ep. 74: Why Summer Camp?

100 Questions About Summer Camp

In Episode 97, I'm chatting with Signe Whitson. We talk about her book, Parenting The Challenging Child: The Four-Step Way To Turn Problem Situations Into Learning Opportunities, which is based on her work at the Life Space Crisis Intervention, an organization dedicated to training teachers, counselors, and parents on how to appropriately respond to challenging behaviors from kids. The program helps us to better understand the conflict cycle that we can get into with kids when they are exhibiting bad behaviors and how we can help break that cycle.

Previously, in episode 66, I spoke to Signe about her research and article about distinguishing between rude, mean, and bullying behaviors in children.

After Signe's visit to my camp this summer to do training with our counselors, we now call each other by our camp names, Sunshine and Ginger.

Big Ideas

• One of the most important tools that kids have for calming down is deep breathing.
• Another important tool that kids have for calming down is movement.
• It's important for parents to be aware that their own kids trigger an emotional response in them that brings about quicker frustration or exhaustion than when they are with someone else's child.
• LSCI is an approach to working with young people that examines how a child's thoughts, perceptions, and feelings contribute to their behavior. While it has been used for 30 years to train professionals who work with kids, this book relates the concepts and strategies to help parents learn to help kids:
  • to calm their emotional brain during stressful situations and
  • to re-engage their thinking brain and problem-solve.
• The Conflict Cycle teaches us that before bad behavior ever occurs with a child, there is a set of thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and reactions from other people that grows within the child and leads to the behavior.
• With problem behavior with kids, we look at the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex of the brain. In stressful situations, the emotional part of the brain loses the ability to connect and communicate with the rational part of the brain and the children's emotions become dominant.
• Helping kids learn how to regulate their brain is a skill that we can and should be teaching them.
• Kids need adults to role model how to take a breath and handle things rationally and calmly, rather than acting on the emotions of the moment.

Quotes

Ginger: "I hope that this book is very practical for parents in terms of what is the garbage, nonsense behavior that we don't need to address right away, in the heat of the moment, versus, what needs to be done in a problem situation, and how to do that in a way that actually turns that problem into an opportunity for the relationship to get a little better, for the child to feel heard and understood, for the child to learn how to calm down."

Ginger: "What the conflict cycle shows is that by the time a problem situation happens, let's say between a parent and child, the problem itself is all we're focusing on--the misbehavior, the talking back, the rolled eyes, the thrown bottle--whatever it is. What the conflict cycle teaches us is that before that behavior ever occurred, there was this whole set of thoughts, perceptions, feelings, reactions from other people that grew, and grew, and grew, and led to that behavior."

Ginger: "If, as adults, we just go in and punish behavior or react to it, what we're missing is everything inside the child that is important and led up to it. We might be punishing the surface behavior, but it's bound to happen over again in the future because we didn't really address its roots."

Ginger: "To the child, their perception of the event is reality for them. We might see it completely differently, but as we say in the book, 'to the corkscrew, the knife is crooked' so the way the child is perceiving that event is real and it is driving this huge, emotional response."

Ginger: "Learning about the brain science behind behavior has been a total game-changer for me and my career. It takes us away from being angry and frustrated by kid's repetitive, challenging behaviors, and it takes us to a place of compassion where we understand that they are overwhelmed right now."

Ginger: "Helping kids learn how to regulate their brain is a skill that we can and should be teaching them."

Ginger: "Kids perceive things based on their own set of beliefs about themselves, about others, and the world. They have thoughts, feelings, and behaviors related to that set of perceptions. As adults, it really important for us to ask questions and examine those perceptions. Sometimes a child is dead-on and the way they perceive something is exactly right and sometimes not."

Ginger: "When a child tells you something that sounds awful, don't freak out. Just listen, let them tell their side of the story. But your face and all of your reactions should convey that whatever they're telling you is totally manageable. What we project really has an impact on how a child feels going into this problem-solving phase."

Ginger: "Number one, don't freak out. Number two, let a child know that you're sorry for the way they are feeling. Number three, thank kids for sharing what is happening."

Ginger: "We have to make kids feel like they have agency and power, and there's something that they can do. They're not waiting for an adult to rescue them, or another child to change."

Ginger: "Our emotional brains are wired to protect our kids...but it's our job to take a breath, to smell some lavender and vanilla, to go for a run, just to take a pause and engage the thinking part of our brain instead of the emotional one. Because most of the time when we make emotionally based decisions, we're not actually making the best decision. Kids need adults to role model that we can take a breath and handle things rationally and calmly, as opposed to just acting on the emotions of the moment."

Sunshine: "As kids get older they are exposed to some really crazy, sometimes dark, stuff from other kids and in the world. We want our kids to feel like they can come and talk to us about those things. It's so important that we stay calm, regardless of how bad it sounds."

Ginger: "There's been great research and a study that recently came out asking thousands of young people what is it that you want when you go to your parents. And, overwhelmingly, the kids said, 'I just want them to listen. I specifically don't want them to try to solve it. I just want them to listen.' So we are actually doing them a disservice when we rush in and try to solve. It's so much better to just listen."

Ginger: "As parents, we love our kids so much that we just want to fix their problems and make it all better. But first of all, that's not always what kids want. Second of all, when we rush in to fix it, we rob our kids of the opportunity to learn their own problem-solving skills."

Breathing Beads

Video Tutorial on how to make the "Breathing Beads" Signe and I talked about in this episode. It's linked from this article on Signe's website:

Images from Parenting the Challenging Child: The 4-Step Way to Turn Problem Situations into Learning Opportunities, by Signe Whitson

Great questions to ask about children's perception of stressful events and well as their thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and what they observed in others' reactions (pages 40-41):

Questions to Ask to Obtain a Good Timeline (about stressful events) (page 42):

Displacement in an SOS Situation (page 74):

"Displacement is the term used in LSCI training to describe situations in which a person takes his anger out on someone or something other than the actual target of his anger. The displacement of intense, uncomfortable emotions is a common self-defeating behavior among children and adults alike."

The LSCI Conflict Cycle "Flipping Your Lid"

Dr. Daniel Siegel's Hand Model of the Brain:

Resources/Related

Life Space Crisis Intervention (LSCI) Website

Parent Courses (LSCI)

Signe's Website

Ep. 95: Raising a "YES Brain" Child

Ep. 66: Is it Rude? Is it Mean? or Is it Bullying? with Signe Whitson

Join Audrey for her Summer Read-Along of her new book, Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults on the Happy Campers Facebook group this summer, as she goes through one secret per week, each week of July and August. For information about Audrey's summer read-along of Happy Campers, visit her website at www.happycampersbook.com. While you're there, click on the Book Hub link for tons of downloadable resources that go along with the book.

You can pick up your copy of Audrey's book, Happy Campers, 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, IndieBound, Books a Million, Kobo, or wherever books are sold.

In Episode 94, I talk about why I wrote my new book, Happy Campers- Nine Summer Camp Secrets For Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, why I changed to a 'less is more' style of parenting, how the book is set up, who I wrote the book for, how I want people to use the book, and what we're going to be doing in the Happy Campers Book Club this summer!

Why I wrote Happy Campers

I wrote Happy Campers because I've had a lifelong interest in child development and positive psychology, and just understanding what makes people flourish.

A lot of the things we do at summer camp can be taken home and used at home to help kids just connect with each other and with their parents, and have a lot more fun at home.

I realized, about five years into parenting, that I needed to bring more of my camp techniques home. And really simple things that we train our camp counselors to do, parents can easily bring home.

I've been noticing in the past few decades, it just seems like kids and parents are struggling a lot more with all kinds of different things.

You don't have to do any crazy big changes in your family to get some really positive outcomes.

I tried to synthesize into this one book some of the higher-level ideas and really simple strategies that I really think that parents and teachers, and really anyone that works with kids, can use to build a stronger relationship with kids and help them develop the character traits and skills that they need in order to be thriving adults.

Why I changed to a "Less is More" parenting style

Even the volunteer thing can go awry when you do too much of it.

Working parents are trying so hard to do everything well that we do a little too much of everything.

One of my fundamental philosophies that I've learned is that less is more, and the famous put on your own oxygen mask first.

I'm so glad that I learned before it was too late, that to be a great parent doesn't mean that you have to be doing this stuff all the time.

Read more about my philosophy in my post 10 Ways to do LESS and be a MORE Effective Parent.

How is Happy Campers set up?

The first chapter is Connection Comes First and that's the foundation of the book.

The last secret is Coaching Kids To Better Friendship Skills, so the bookends of the book are both about connection and relationship.

We've learned at camp that kids won't listen to us or even follow our advice, unless they first know that we really care about them as people.

Sometimes we get so fixated on all the things our kids need to do, and we want them to do, and we forget that in the end what's really important is that we just have this great relationship that will last.

One Simple Thing, at the end of each chapter, is really just about a change in yourself in either something that you can try to think differently about or a little thing that you can do that will help you relate better to your kids.

I've found that oftentimes writing a note is more effective than repeatedly saying something. And it's not overwhelming or daunting to write a sticky note.

I wanted to make the book just really simple little things that are really do-able and don't feel too daunting. And I also really don't want people to try everything in the book.

Listen to my interview on the Mom Writes podcast where Abby shares her sticky note story.

How do you want people to use Happy Campers?

The way that I want people to use this book is the way that I've read some of my favorite books, which is- I just keep them around as a resource. I don't think even that this is necessarily the kind of book you need to read cover-to-cover.

I'm hoping that it will be a book that will resonate with people.

The secret that "Kids Are More Capable Than Parents think they are" talks all about responsibility and having kids get more involved with household chores and things like that.

The book is about things that I've learned at summer camp that can be applied in other settings.

Who I wrote the book for

I really want teachers to read this book. I know from a lot of the teachers who I know that their time at camp, as camper counselors, and their experiences working in the setting of camp, really helped them be amazing teachers.

I really wish that every parent would have the opportunity to spend at least one summer as a camp counselor.

Join the Happy Campers Book Club

In the Happy Campers Book Club Group, we'll be sharing bonus videos, downloadable resources, article and book recommendations. Most importantly, we'll have the opportunity to share ideas and collaborate with each other.

Step 1: Pick up your copy of Happy Campers wherever you buy books:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

IndieBound

Books-a-Million

Kobo

Step 2: Download your Summer Read-Along Schedule and Discussion Guide from the Happy Campers Book Hub.

Step 3: Join the Happy Campers Book Club!

I invite you to join me to read the book this summer and as we read along just learn from one another and collaborate on even more ideas that we can all share, to help raise this generation of kids to overcome the issues that a lot of kids are facing.

"We really want our kids to be super resilient and able to make it through the ups and the downs and the challenges they're inevitably going to face.

The 9 Summer Camp Secrets

Watch the video version of this episode: Want to hear me talk more about Happy Campers? Check out these interviews on other podcasts!

TiLT Parenting

Best of Both Worlds

Campfire Conversation

We Turned Out Okay

Dr. Sears Family Podcast

Author Accelerator's Mom Writes

The Pickup Line

In Episode 93, I interview Dr. Alicia La Hoz, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Founder, and Executive Director of Family Bridges. Dr. La Hoz works with the Latino community in the Chicagoland area, where she leads her team in developing and coordinating Family Bridges comprehensive marriage and relationship programs. Away from the office, she spends her time with her two inquisitive children and devoted husband, exploring nature, visiting museums, and building lego-masterpieces.

We talk about why she started Family Bridges USA and about the incredible work that they are doing to solve problems of the culture by helping people learn relationship skills.

BIG IDEAS

• People need to learn to develop relationship skills and good attachment to others in order to lead healthy, happy lives.
• Family Bridges inspires individuals, couples and families to invest in their relationships' wellbeing. Marriage and relationships really do matter.
• Instilling a message of self-efficacy is very helpful for people living with difficult circumstances. By having goals in mind, you can overcome the obstacles you face in life. The power is within you to reach your potential.
• Family Bridges and their affiliates offer these services around the U.S. and the world. They provide relationship education workshops in schools, businesses and churches, and throughout the community. They are also active on social media, sharing messages on relationship topics from forgiveness to communication to conflict resolution, in English and Spanish.

QUOTES

ALICIA: "We ask, 'What can we do that would be preventative to help young people know what they want for their life? What's their North Star?'"

ALICIA: "There are a lot of very simple things that we can apply, amazing research and tips. How do we get it into the hands of people before they end up in the foster care system or victims of domestic violence?"

AUDREY: "I love that. Get people set up so that their relationships that start off well, with healthy attachments."

ALICIA: "We would love people to aspire for something bigger than themselves and so we're trying to promote a message of hope. We all need hope."

ALICIA: "We want to be able to get a message of hope out there. Yes, maybe current circumstances are dark but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just continue to persevere. We want to be able to tell that story through the lens of so many people that have come before us that have overcome one thing after another. And in spite of their dire circumstance, they're stronger for it."

ALICIA: "We can feel encouraged, built up and just have a sense that things can work out. Then that, in turn, can have a ripple effect in our communities."

AUDREY: "While lack of hope is related to mortality, drug overdose and suicide, an optimistic outlook impacts marriages, finances, and less risk-taking behaviors. I so believe in that message of promoting more optimism, even among people who aren't naturally optimistic. We can help our kids develop that."

AUDREY: "When you feel like you can do something, you can overcome. That hope is very powerful."

ALICIA: "What we mean by self-efficacy is that there are different hurdles in life that you're going to face, yet you can overcome them by having some goals in mind. It is within your realm of control to achieve them."

AUDREY: "It is so encouraging that you're not only doing your own workshops, but you're empowering more people and spreading the message through your training model."

ALICIA: "If we run ourselves out of a job in that city or community, then we are doing a good job!"

RESOURCES Trainings Available through Family Bridges

A Better Me "A Better Me" training provides resources, lessons, and activities for teaching children how to make smart decisions, problem-solve and communicate effectively. Tailored for children ages 4 to 12, this curriculum teaches kids how to apply social-emotional learning skills and ethical values in everyday situations.

GROWTH: Professional Development This curriculum provides companies with solutions for relational wellness by empowering employees with valuable skills and boosting their morale. Our curriculum provides training that encompasses team building, problem-solving, conflict resolution, communication skills, stress management, and leadership development.

Strong Parents, Strong Schools This curriculum motivates parents to raise successful children and teens by teaching them strong character development skills, relationship smarts, giving them a desire for community-engagement, and instilling an aspirational vision for them to succeed academically.

To request a training for your business or organization call 877-412-7434.

https://www.facebook.com/familybridges Listen to Audrey's interview on the Family Bridges Podcast: The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting: "School's Out"

The Dibble Institute

Family Bridges YouTube Channel

Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

RELATED POSTS & PODCASTS

If you enjoyed this podcast, listen to Ep. 31: Listen: 5 Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges

Ep. 86 Conflict Resolution Skills for Siblings (and Everyone Else!)

Coaching Your Child to Better Social Skills

Join Audrey for her Summer Read-Along of her new book, Happy Campers:

Audrey invites you to pick up a copy of her book, Happy Campers, 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults and join her, on the Happy Campers facebook group this summer, as she goes through one secret per week, each week of July and August. For information about Audrey's summer read-along of Happy Campers, visit her website at www.happycampersbook.com. While you're there, click on the Book Hub link for tons of downloadable resources that go along with the book.

You can pick up your copy of Audrey's book, Happy Campers, 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, IndieBound, Books a Million, Kobo, or wherever books are sold.

In Episode 92, I'm chatting with educator and parent coach, Helaina Altabef, founder of Tame the Teen. We talk about building up the attributes parents need to form strong, caring relationships with teens.

BIG IDEAS

• There is a lot of disconnection between parents and their kids.
• It is possible for parents to learn how to communicate effectively and connect with their teens.
• Our current society has become increasingly isolated, and it is sending a collective message of fear to parents.
• Some parents of teens tend to become isolated, thinking that their issue is only theirs.
• All parents struggle with connecting and communicating at some point in their child's development.
• Community helps us to stay grounded and to relate to other people.
• Our children should not be how we measure our success as people.
• What good coaching does is take you out of your perspective and offers another one.

QUOTES:

Helaina: "I realized that a lot of what was going on with parents and teens was a lot of disconnection between parents and their kids. And I became a liaison between the parents and the teens."

Helaina: "It became apparent to me that whatever I had as a teacher, that I could access teens successfully, was teachable to their parents."

Audrey: "Parents need to feel less fear about teens. Sometimes your anticipatory fear about something being hard actually makes it harder."

Audrey: "Parents, in addition to their fears, have also gotten very isolated, thinking perhaps that their issues are only theirs when we know that everybody has different struggles with their connection and communication with their kids at some point in their development."

Helaina: "Our society has become increasingly isolated. Many of us don't have families nearby. We feel so encumbered with just the responsibilities of daily life. And daily life has become busier. That is objectively true. Community helps us stay grounded, and helps you relate, and helps you realize that it's not just you."

Helaina: "There's so much guilt- parent guilt and mom shaming. This is a new thing that's just such an ugly part of the experience."

Helaina: "Children should not be how we measure our success as people."

Helaina: "Take the judgment out of the room and just open to the experience of 'these are just human beings'. Who is sitting in front of you? What makes them tick? What are they actually saying? When you remove all those barriers, you get to know the person in front of you, who you care about more than anyone."

Helaina: "Help your child understand that new experiences bring with them a normal mix of excitement and a little fear of the unknown, some anticipation. Speak with children in that way and presume that they're smart enough to understand that because they will. But when you label everything under the blanket of anxiety, they just presume that now this is actually anxiety. Embolden them to do things even if they feel fearful."

Helaina: "If your kid is expressing the jitters, get in there with them and help them to make concrete the things that feel abstract. Try to understand what their jitters are about. Really hear them out and help them."

Audrey: "To grow you have to get a little bit outside your comfort zone. If we just stay doing the same thing forever, you don't grow. But when you're growing, you feel stress."

Audrey: "We need to be aware of where we're coming from and not just make it all about the kid. We're part of the relationship and we bring our own things to it."

LINKS

Helaina's website: www.tametheteen.com

10 Ways to Make Campers More Confident by Helaina Altabef

Check out Audrey's book, Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults

Resources/Related

7 Ways to Help Kids Through Their Teen Years

Ep. 27: Raising Teens Who Thrive with Stephen Wallace

Why Teens Need Summer Camp More Than Ever

Ep. 65: Raising Engaged and Happy Kids

In Episode 90, I'm being interviewed by my friend Anne Driscoll at her bookstore, Branches Books and Gifts, where we celebrated my book launch. We talk about the inspiration behind Happy Campers- Nine Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults and I share some of the book's insights and resources for parents.…

The post Ep. 90: Happy Campers Book – Interview at Branches Books & Gifts appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.