Sunshine Parenting

In Episode 82, I'm chatting with my friend Sara Kuljis, the owner and director of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. Sara is a 20-year veteran camp director and parenting trainer who has great insights and ideas about parenting and counseling kids. We're starting a new series, about sibling conflict and sibling rivalry, and today we're talking about how to manage the conflict that naturally occurs between siblings.

"I'm a mom of 2 kids, an almost 13-year-old girl and a just turned 8-year-old boy. My husband and I have both taught in public and private schools and we've been youth leaders in churches. Our current challenge is to help our kids with conflict resolution since it seems they tend to be in conflict fairly often at school and at home. Can't we just all get along?! The difference in age, personalities, and sexes has made it extra difficult."

"My biggest parenting struggle at the moment is sibling rivalry, bickering, one-upping, putting down, etc. I've read books, consulted experts, given the "Team [Family Name]" talk, etc., but nothing seems to work. It may be compounded by the fact that I have twins (age 9), but I talk to my mom friends with different age siblings and it seems pervasive. Curious to know if you have any words of wisdom from your own experience or your fellow experts."

Thank you for reaching out! It's definitely very normal for kids to go through phases where it's harder for them to get along, especially if their personalities clash or they're in different life phases. And it isn't easy! My kids have gone through their phases as well. :) I will say, now that most of them are adults they really do value the time they have together. It sounds like you have a plethora of experience working with youth as well, and I'm excited that you found my blog so that we can connect.

I also really think that the key lies in helping each child feel great about themselves - so a focus on their strengths rather than any comparison is good.

Finally (again, off the top of my head), I ignored a lot of my kids' smaller squabbles. That's just what siblings do.

• Children don't need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely.
• Parents need to be intentional about honoring the uniqueness of each of their children.
• Addressing each of your children uniquely shows them that they are special to you and loved by you.
• Sibling rivalry and sibling conflict are normal with children.
• Children tend to outgrow their sibling rivalry and conflicts when they grow up.
• Instead of giving each child equal time, give time according to each child's need.

Sara: "The chemistry and the personality and the interests of our children sometimes don't line up."

Sara: "It is good as a parent to determine my level of influence, how I influence, and what things do I just need to be patient for."

Audrey: "We have to look at the long-term picture. We're hopeful that the things we do as parents will at least promote long-term positive relationships. But even that is not guaranteed."

Sara: "As kids growing up, my sister and brother and I were constantly arguing. Constantly. We couldn't get along for more than a day. As adults, we really grew to like each other a lot. We always loved each other, but now we really like each other."

Sara: "Take a moment and see if outside the home they have good friends. And if they do have that capacity, they're going to be okay."

Sara: "Sometimes we just bring home the pressure and bring home the crankiness, and we spill them on those who are closest to us."

Audrey: "I remember several years where I was such a bratty little sister."

Audrey: "There are also cases where, realistically, siblings are so different, or your sibling has some kind of mental health issue or something that really does make them very difficult to have any relationship with. And that's something that's just life, right?"

Audrey: "If you don't get the positive relationship you need, you need to find it elsewhere."

Sara: "As parents, we should be really intentional about honoring the differences and the uniqueness of every child."

Sara: "When our kids can articulate it, let's ask. Because it might surprise us what it means to them for us to support them."

Audrey: "Addressing each child uniquely is really important to make them feel they're loved and they're special to you, even if they don't do the same things as somebody else."

Sara: "Just spend a little time entering his world and understanding what makes him tick around this."

Sara: "Space is a really good thing. Time to just quiet one's own heart."

Sara: "That argument right after school every day- I started taking snacks in the car when I picked the boys up and the first thing they did was eat. We actually decreased the squabbles, those little naggy squabbles, by a good fifty percent."

Sara: "All of us are going to have those really heated moments and a lot of pent-up energy. And having appropriate and safe ways to get it out I think is great! I think a punching-bag is great. Rather a punching-bag than each other! Or go for a run. Go for a bike ride. Let some steam off."

Audrey: "Give them some space. Don't try to force people to be together who are just not compatible at the moment or at the age."

Sara: "We can't demand closeness and we can't demand that they're best friends. But we can require respect."

Sara: "We can start teaching empathy to tiny little kids."

From Siblings Without Rivalry- How To Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: "As I half-listen from the next room, I am surprised at how relaxed I am. I realize how little emotional investment I have in the moment-by-moment temperature of their relationship. I know that the differences in interest and temperament that kept them from being close in childhood are still there but I also know that, over the years, I have helped them build the bridges to span the separate islands of their identities. If they ever need to reach out, they have many ways of getting there."

Audrey's website: www.sunshine-parenting.com

Audrey's email: [email protected]

Sara teaches parenting workshops in Southern California. Contact Sara to have her come speak to your group on parenting topics including: • Positive Behavior Shaping • Effective Affirmation • Pace of Life • Listening Skills

https://sunshine-parenting.com/2017/04/ep-7-family-pace-space-sara-kuljis/

https://sunshine-parenting.com/2015/05/5-steps-to-help-kids-resolve-conflicts/

Recommended books: Siblings Without Rivalry- How To Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, the authors of How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk.

Quick reference guide: The chart that summarizes Siblings Without Rivalry that we referenced in this episode in at The Montessori Notebook: https://www.themontessorinotebook.com/siblings-without-rivalry/

Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness - 10 Steps to Peace in Your Household (download) -

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Audrey's book, Happy Campers- Nine Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, is coming out on May 7th. It's available now for pre-order. Go to www.happycampersbook.com to find links to all your favorite book retailers where you can pre-order your copy. Audrey will send you some fun freebies, and an invitation to join her private Facebook group once you've completed the pre-order form.

Camp Champions is located in Marble Falls, Texas, and is a camp for boys and girls from kindergarten through 12th grade. Sessions range from one through six weeks. This Happy Campers Interview is with Camp Owner/Director Susie Baskin. Video: Happy Campers Interview with Susie Baskin, Owner/Director of Camp Champions Camp Champions – A Summer…

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Carmel Valley Tennis Camp is located in Carmel Valley, California and is camp for boys and girls ages 10-18. Sessions are one or two weeks. This Happy Campers Interview is with Susan Reeder and Steve Proulx, the owners and directors of Carmel Valley Tennis Camp. Video of the interview Carmel Valley Tennis Camp is…

The post Happy Campers: Carmel Valley Tennis Camp (CA) appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.

Camp Chippewa for Boys is located in Cass Lake, Minnesota and is camp for boys ages 8 – 17. Sessions are four or eight weeks. This Happy Campers Interview is with Camp Directors Mike and Mary Endres, who have a long history with Camp Chippewa. Video of the Camp Chippewa interview with Mike &…

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"My great passion around camp is to get more kids there, because I really believe that every kid should go to summer camp." In Episode 81, Travis Allison and I discuss the power of one person to make a huge impact on a child's life, not only at summer camp but also in the home.…

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In Episode 80, I'm chatting with Maureen Healy, author of The Emotionally Healthy Child: Helping Children Calm, Center, and Make Smarter Choices We talk about embracing the discomfort of handling challenging emotions and raising emotionally healthy and happy kids. BIG IDEAS It's okay to be uncomfortable with a feeling. We need to learn how to…

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In Episode 78, I'm chatting with Jessica Joelle Alexander, author of The Danish Way of Parenting. We talk about how the Danes raise happy kids who become happy adults.

• Denmark is one of the happiest countries in the world.
• Danish people are happy because of the way they're raising their children.
• Happy children become happy adults.
• Free play is really important for children.
• The Danish way is simple and common sense.
• It's really important for students to have a feeling of belonging and connectedness.

Jessica: "I have always actually been living in different countries and interested in cultural differences and studying cultural differences. My background is psychology."

Jessica: "When my kids were born I became really fascinated by Danish children."

Jessica: "I was reading the newspaper and I saw that Denmark had been voted as one of the happiest countries in the world- again. And that it had been for forty years in a row always in the top three."

Jessica: "I had this lightbulb go off in my head and I thought "Oh my God! They're happy because of the way they're raising their children."

Jessica: "I had to write this book because this style of parenting had helped me so much."

Audrey: "It's not just about the parenting. It's the lifestyle and the way they choose to spend their time and live their life that is getting these really positive outcomes."

Jessica: "The biggest beneficiaries of this time together are the kids and you really see how much they love being with their families and there's no drama and there's no negativity."

Audrey: "We have to work a little harder and think a little more about doing the things that we all need for our wellbeing. This connection piece."

Jessica: "Play, free play has been an educational theory in Denmark since 1871. And for them, it's the most important thing a child can do. It's considered learning. It's nothing about can they read, can they write, can they do these things early? Because they know they will learn those things."

Jessica: "Just these simple things--like playing, being outside, or simplifying--is really what we need."

Jessica: "One of the hardest things is how to shut out all that pressure and believe in the simplicity."

Audrey: "In the end, what is more important is being a happy person with good relationships? And that leads to success."

Jessica: "Self-esteem is how you feel about who you are."

Jessica: "You can do anything if you believe in yourself."

Jessica: "The book is very much education. It's focusing more on schools, but it's also at home. A bit like talking about what you can take home from camp."

Audrey: "Let's get the whole world to be the Danish/summer camp way!"

Audrey's book, Happy Campers: Nine Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults comes out on May 7th and is available for pre-order now. Visit www.happycampersbook.com to find links to all your favorite book retailers where you can pre-order your copy.

Download the Hygge Oath and sign up for Jessica's email newsletter at www.jessicajoellealexander.com

http://thedanishway.com/

Jessica on Instagram

The Danish Way of Parenting by Jessica Joelle Alexander

The Village Effect by Susan Pinker

Human beings are not designed to be excellent at everything. -Sara Kuljis Show notes at https://sunshine-parenting.com/2019/03/ep-77/ In Episode 77, I'm chatting with my friend, Sara Kuljis, as we continue our series Encouragements for Parents. You can listen to our previous episode, Ep. 75: Begin with the (Parenting) End in Mind here. Big Ideas Human beings…

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One of the things that parents need to recognize is, just like with their school, it needs to be a partnership, and not every day is going to be great. – Audrey Today's podcast, Episode 76, was recorded live at the American Camp Association National Conference, in Nashville, Tennessee on February 18, 2019. The panel…

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In Episode 75, I'm starting a new parenting series with my friend, Sara Kuljis. We're tentatively titling our series "Encouragements for Parents." In this first episode, we talk about reframing how we view success for our children and the concept of "beginning with the end in mind."

• There are many different paths to success.
• It's important to be clear about your end goal and about what success looks like for you and your family.
• What success looks like for you will probably not match the messages that are coming in.
• Our relationships and our social connections are most important.
• We need to be able to be vulnerable and share with the people we're getting close to, in order to develop deep relationships.
• Having a faith of some kind is very meaningful and valuable for a flourishing life. And having core values that you stay consistent with is an essential part of faith.
• It's a good idea to build faith into the daily flow of family life.

Sara: "Sometimes with parenting, when I have felt overwhelmed or exhausted or at wit's end, it's hard to keep my eye on the end result and I sometimes operate out of anxiety or fear, or I'm reacting instead of really anticipating and laying out where I want to end up."

Sara: "It's such a wonderful feeling to know that we could be intentional about the process, rather than reactive."

Sara: "The measure isn't what's out there in the world. The measure is so much more what's inside of them."

Sara: "Now I consider beginning with the end in mind. And that is 'What is my definition of success for my children? What is my husband's definition? Are we on the same page?'."

Audrey: "Sometimes the information in the parenting world is giving people a list, or saying you must do this thing for your child to turn out okay. And that is just absurd to think that there is a list of classes or curricula or activities that are going to guarantee your child's success. And I almost think it could do the opposite if you overwhelm yourself or your child with trying to keep up with all of these so-called things that we must do."

Sara: "What would be the top three things that I would consider being a success for my children, as adults?"

Audrey: "What leads to a happy, healthy, flourishing life?"

Sara: "We have tried to stay committed to creating space and hang out times so our kids can deepen friendships on their own, in their own way, where parents are not meddling."

Sara: "I think carving out time can feel unproductive, but it's absolutely essential."

Sara: "There's a lot of friendship building at summer camps and those skills are absolutely essential to growing into adulthood, to the workplace, and certainly to family life and married life."

Sara: "Creating space is huge, and I think also modeling- for us as parents to be role models."

Audrey: "If you don't have a family where you feel that connection, make one somewhere else."

Audrey: "If we value healthy, deep, and enriching relationships, that might mean that we do things differently than our neighbors, or maybe some other people."

Sara: "We can continue to choose to work out relationships and accept others for who they are and model forgiveness and model generosity and hospitality- even when it's not easy."

Audrey: "You've got to have a few people where you can be really real and kind of raw with."

Sara: "Meaningful work doesn't have to be a very glamorous, big deal. It could be something that's very quiet but brings us joy. It could be something that's even boring but produces something important and impactful. "

Audrey: "To help our kids to start seeing those little sparks of time where they are fired up and they fire other people up, or they help in some way, that is just magical! That's the big magic!"

Audrey: "A lot of research shows that having a faith of some kind is very meaningful and valuable for a flourishing life."

Audrey: "We're living in a time where people mostly are not connected with any faith and there's a lot of negative press about religion."

Why Summer Camp May be the Secret to a Longer Life (Susan Pinker's TED Talk in this post) Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths with Audrey & Sara Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis

Margaret Feinberg's The Joy Cast Podcast

Pam Roy Blog

Outer Order Inner Calm by Gretchen Rubin

The Village Effect by Susan Pinker

Brene Brown

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert