Sunshine Parenting

Why do parents send their kids to summer camp? Is your kid going to camp this summer? Congratulations! You're giving them an experience that may have many life-long, positive benefits. You are giving them the opportunity to grow and develop skills and character traits that are often hard to develop in the comforts of home.…

The post Ep. 74: Why Summer Camp? appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.

That was my aim in writing the book- was both to offer reassurance, and then practical strategies for managing the stress and anxiety that will, invariably, come up. -Lisa Damour

In episode 73, I'm chatting with Lisa Damour, Ph.D., the New York Times best-selling author of Untangled- Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood.

In this episode, we talk about Under Pressure- Confronting The Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls.

Lisa is a clinical psychologist, in private practice. She shares some really encouraging insights about reframing the way that we think about stress and anxiety in ourselves and in our daughters and she also discusses ways that we can help ease the anxiety levels of our girls at home, at school, and in their social lives.

• Both stress and anxiety are normal and healthy functions that are actually beneficial to us.
• Anxiety is a normal system that keeps us safe. It's an alarm that alerts us to pay attention and notice what's going on around us, or inside of us.
• Stress builds capacity, so when we operate at our outer edge, that edge usually grows and we develop new abilities.

Audrey: "You have a great way of synthesizing the information and I think that's why people find your books so helpful. You have taken all this deep, heavy stuff about what's going on, and really put it down to the very simple to understand terms for those of us who work with girls, or have daughters."

Audrey: "I think a lot of times parents are feeling stressed themselves about what to do and how to parent, and I think what your book provides is a sense of relief and encouragement that there are these things going on and yes, anxiety is a big issue, however, there are all these things that we can do, in different areas, to relieve some of that."

Lisa: " The bottom line is that psychologists understand, and have long understood, that stress and anxiety are both normal and healthy functions. They both can reach troublesome degrees, and even when they do, we're really good at treating them. But, stress and anxiety are part of life, so stress is what happens when we operate at the edge of our capacities- any time that we take on something that requires us to adapt, to stretch, to grow, we will feel stressed by it."

Lisa: "Anxiety is a normal system that keeps us safe. It's an alarm that alerts us to pay attention, to notice what's going on around us- or going on inside of us."

Lisa: "Stress builds capacity. When we operate at our outer edge, usually our edge grows. We develop new abilities we didn't know we had."

Lisa: "The kinds of principles I'm putting forward in here- these are well-established, very long-standing, fully understood beliefs in psychology that somehow became divorced from where the popular culture is now, which is the sense that all anxiety is troublesome, and all stress is pathological and we need to get rid of both."

Lisa: "We run the risk now of raising a generation that is stressed about being stressed, and anxious about being anxious."

Audrey: "The message that I got is that one way to ease the anxiety is to normalize it and explain that, even as adults, we have it too."

Lisa: "That was my aim in writing the book- was both to offer reassurance, and then practical strategies for managing the stress and anxiety that will, invariably, come up."

Lisa: "Most feelings will run their course."

Lisa: "They (parents) have a lot of power and a lot of say and can make things go quite a bit more smoothly for their daughter, even under difficult conditions, if they can both validate, but not overreact at the same time."

Audrey: "The end goal is for our kids to be able to live as functioning adults, on their own, separate from us, and not to needing to ask us about how to handle every little thing."

Lisa: "The happiest girls have one or two friends, and our job, as adults, is to help them feel better about that."

Lisa: "A thread that runs through the whole book is for me to kind of grapple with really well-meaning guidance that adults give, that in my experience, does not actually work all that well for girls... is our guidance around how they negotiate, what they do and don't want to do in romantic settings- when things get physical."

Lisa: "We have to be mindful that there's a couple of scenarios that are highly likely to make it very, very hard for girls to follow our advice."

Lisa: "We have to equip her for other possibilities- which are probably more likely."

Audrey: "Enthusiastic agreement is what we want our daughters to be feeling before they're doing something."

Lisa: "I think it is so good for girls to be in new settings, especially in settings where the technology goes away, to let their hair down, to get to explore sides of themselves that may not come up in their day-to-day at home."

Lisa: "I've watched kids who are really struggling socially come back to school after a summer camp and just have a whole new repertoire of social skills that they never could have developed if they had stayed in their exact same social track with their friends at school."

Highlight from Under Pressure- Confronting The Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls: "Much of what our girls learn about how to manage stress comes from observing how we manage it, as parents. Our daughters watch us for cues about how alarmed they should be by life's difficulties. When we let our own inner Chicken Little take over, and panic in the face of manageable challenges, we set a bad example. When we accept that stress often leads to growth, and help our girls do the same, we create a self-fulfilling prophecy for ourselves and for our daughters."

Lisa Damour writes the monthly Adolescence column for the New York Times, serves as a regular contributor to CBS News, maintains a private psychotherapy practice, consults and speaks internationally, is a Senior Advisor to the Schubert Center for Child Studies at Case Western Reserve University, and serves as the Executive Director of Laurel School's Center for Research on Girls.

Dr. Damour has written numerous academic papers, chapters, and books related to education and child development. She is also the author of two New York Times best selling books, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood and Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls.

Dr. Damour graduated with honors from Yale University and worked for the Yale Child Study Center before earning her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at the University of Michigan. She has been a fellow at Yale's Edward Zigler Center in Child Development and Social Policy and the University of Michigan's Power Foundation. She and her husband are the proud parents of two daughters.

Lisa's website: https://www.drlisadamour.com/

Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun

4 Ways to Focus on Our Kids' Strengths

Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths

Helpful Books for Raising Daughters

7 Ways to Help Your Daughter Become a Thriving Adult

In this episode, I am talking with Brett Grayson, author of What Could Go Wrong?: My Mostly Comedic Journey Through Marriage, Parenting, and Depression. Grayson takes on many of the tough issues faced by parents during the first few years of family life with a great deal of humor and vulnerability. We discuss what led him to write his book, start his blog and how he has enlarged the discussion by sharing from a dad's point of view. Grayson is a father of two young children and resides in New Jersey.

• Humor helps us move forward, especially when discussing difficult subject matters.
• Even though pregnancy is primarily a woman's experience, a man also goes through his own set of struggles and emotions when becoming a father, which aren't often discussed.

Audrey: "In this book, I think you have been able to combine difficult topics with humor and I'm guessing that is resonating with people."

Brett: "We've been through some rough things: my wife's first pregnancy, postpartum issues, topics that women discuss a lot. I hadn't seen too many fathers talking about it from their standpoint: what it was like for the father to go through; what our emotions were like."

Brett: "I really felt that the humor would be the way that the people would be able to relate to what I was saying and it would make it more palatable to read."

Audrey: "You're so right. The things that happen in pregnancy seem to be a lot more about the woman's experience but it's true the father has a lot going on, too. I think you did open up a great line of conversation and discussion for men."

Brett: "Men experience all kinds of struggles and emotions. It's okay to be open about it. You can still be a strong man and feel masculine in your own skin without feeling like you can't express yourself."

Brett: "It's amazing to me that if you have a heart problem, its totally okay to see a doctor; it's okay if you have a broken bone to see an orthopedist, but if you're going to see a doctor about an issue with your brain then it needs to be secretive in some sense. I've never understood that. Hopefully, we are breaking down those walls now."

Brett: "I think there needs to be openness in your relationships. I think if you can't tell your spouse that you're struggling, that's a problem. You need to be able to lean on each other and explain to each other that you're struggling."

Audrey: "I think you have a really important message to share. I think it's wonderful that you've put yourself out there and shared some difficult stories. I think your end result will be that more people will get the help they need -- that everyone needs at some point, if not throughout their lives."

Brett Grayson's Blog

10 Reasons I Heart Camp (mentioned in this episode)

If you enjoyed this episode, you might want to listen to a few of my other interviews with dedicated dads, including: Ep. 18: Adventures in Parenting with Tom Holland Ep. 5: Using a Growth Mindset with Jeff Cheley

Helping Kids Through Their "Low Point"

"The neuroscience is saying that when kids miss these developmental milestones, their brains aren't as interconnected as they would have been had they been actively participating in a wide variety of activities. They need a full sensory upbringing, not doing too much of any one thing." -Jenifer Joy Madden

In Episode 71, I'm chatting with Jenifer Joy Madden about the latest research on brain development and ways we can help our children grow healthy and "durable" brains.

Jenifer Joy Madden is an award-winning health communicator, author, and educator. She founded DurableHuman.com to encourage all people to cherish and maximize the curiosity, creativity, compassion, and so much else they alone possess as human beings.

• Jenifer defines durable as being "effective and strong in body, mind, and spirit for as long as possible."

• The "Bushy Broccoli Brain" -- Jenifer uses the Broccoli vs. Broccolini metaphor to show how the brain develops more interconnected, as synapsis fire from rich stimuli, whereas the broccolini is a stalky, more truncated structure, showing a lack of development. New research on the brain supports the idea that in order to be more durable, our children need 3D, multi-sensory, 360° experiences. The rich sensory environment at camp is a perfect example. Being outdoors and interacting socially stimulates the interconnections in the brain.
• If a kid is limited in their activity and they do one thing for a long period of time (such as playing a game online) it crowds out some of the other things they need to be doing during their day to promote full brain development.
• The brain develops over time so there are windows of opportunity throughout childhood to develop certain skills. Missing these windows can have detrimental effects, such as "Virtual Autism". In France and Romania, doctors have identified "Virtual Autism" in kids under age four who have free reign all day to be on a tablet. After days and days of being on the screen, they stop responding to their names and adults can't catch their eye. When kids return to a regular kid lifestyle and they're playing with physical objects and playing outside, that "virtual autism" goes away.
• After a visit to a treatment center for internet addiction, Jenifer determined that one of the primary causes of this kind addiction is a lack of attachment. Attachment starts a little before birth that the child starts attaching to the primary caregiver -- the mother. Kids who don't securely attach to a caregiver become agitated and insecure and have trouble coping. We need to feed their love mechanisms early on in life, otherwise, they'll be kind of shaky their whole lives. We need to make sure that babies' first images are not obscured by a device.
• Jenifer describes her course for new parents called New Parent's Confidence Kickstart.
• Recommendations for parents to help kids overcome addiction to their devices:
  • Give them chores. They must have a purpose and be responsible contributors to the household. Physical activity is key.
  • Help them develop skills, genuine relationships, curiosity ("The Triple Crown of Durability".)

Audrey: "There are all these basic needs that our kids have and to get this really bushy broccoli brain; a big part of it is the social connection. Talking face to face and making eye contact--all that great stuff--I think of that as making a bushier brain."

Jenifer: "A lot of our functions are being taken over by robots and AI, so we have to do what we do best as human beings. That is to be thoughtful, curious, and skilled. We need to use the senses we have and they don't. Compassion and intuition are special human functions."

Jenifer: "Human beings that are young need to have that attachment. They need continuous eye contact with others and to have others listen to them."

Audrey: "Giving kids chores is such a simple thing yet many people don't realize just how important. We know that while kids are contributing and having a purpose in your home or at camp, they are also learning really important skills."

Audrey: "When you think about kids growing up and their brains, whether it's language development, or curiosity and those skills automatic it has all happened from practice. So you need that 3D experience that you describe for those neurons to fire together and create all that great, bushy, full brainpower.

Jenifer: "I tell parents: Guilt be gone! Start to realize how attachment and developing boundaries around your technology can make a difference going forward."

Audrey: "I think parents are so worried about what they're doing wrong. No one is going to get everything right but you can make little course corrections along the way. If you're noticing something with your family its never too late to do a reset. If you need to do more chores or have less screen time, those are all doable things. We all go through phases when we need to sometimes reset."

Jenifer: "Numbers of autism diagnoses have skyrocketed in the last 25 years: 1 in 40 kids. The implication is that some of those kids have been affected by environmental factors. If can identify and at least try to mitigate them, we could at least see how the child responds. Having them not watch TV and removing them from screens is healthy for them so why not?"

Audrey: "Instead of focusing on what not to do, let's think of things that we can do: going outside for an evening walk, going to the park, reading books together, playing cards or games. Try to find fun things to do instead of being on screens. That's an easier way to introduce more time away from the screens that kids can get excited about."

Jenifer: "You've got to slow down, keep your eyes open and keep observing your children so you don't miss those vital cues from your kids."

Book: How To Be a Durable Human: Revive and Thrive in the Digital Age Through the Power of Self-Design

Durable Human website

American Academy of Pediatrics Family Media Plan/Media Time Calculator: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx

http://durablehuman.com/fighting-tech-with-tech-online-tool-helps-families-reclaim-time/

Tina Payne Bryson and Daniel Seigel and their works The Whole Brain Child, No Drama Discipline and The Yes Brain.

Ted Talk, "Neurons That Fire Together Wire Together" by Dr. Joe Dispenza on YouTube.

The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age

Article on virtual autism study in France/Romania: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-fallible-mind/201706/there-is-new-link-between-screen-time-and-autism

Reset your Child's Brain by Victoria Dunckley

New Parent's Confidence Kickstart

Tech management resources (scroll down the page)

Durable Human books

Durable Human post on Virtual Autism

VIDEOS:

TEDx "Durable Humans are Smarter Than Their Phones

TEDx/Broccoli combo explainer: (1 min)

"Lead a balanced life" Broccoli video

Baby Broccoli and Parent video

Broccoli and Sleep video

If you liked this episode, listen to episode 30, my interview with Jennifer on her book How to Be a Durable Human.

Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with our Families

Five Reasons to Unplug

Why Family Dinner is Important

7 Reasons to Get Outside

"It is not about creating some outcome for the kids. It's just about us coming together to figure out what values are really important to us, what type of adult we would like to launch, and how we can help them to get to that place."

Amy Carney

In Episode 70, I'm chatting with Amy Carney, author of Parent on Purpose: A Courageous Approach to Raising Children in a Complicated World.

In the course of raising triplets and another daughter just one year younger, Amy found herself simply "surviving" motherhood and came to the realization that she needed to be more proactive, instead of reactive, as a parent. Her intentional parenting philosophy contributed to her family's courageous decision to disconnect from their busy lives and travel around the U.S. in an RV for seven months. With their children approaching ages 13 and 11, Amy and her husband felt that life was speeding by and an overhaul was needed. Their goal was to reclaim time together, to solidify the foundation of their relationships, and connect with their kids before they left home. So in 2014, they pulled out of the typical American life they led and went on a journey to find more happiness and unity.

In the book, Amy shares the lessons learned to help parents:

1. LEAD -- Visualize the end, determine your values and claim your authority. Pause and figure out your destination. As a family, ask yourselves: Where are you headed? Where do you want to go?
2. LOVE -- Play, disconnect to reconnect, create timeless traditions.
3. LAUNCH -- Prepare kids for adulthood by teaching them how to work.

• Make time for kids to volunteer and work outside of the home. A part-time job in a restaurant, retail store, or family business can be excellent training grounds for the real-life skills that kids need.
• Kids also need to do their share of work in the home, to contribute as part of the family. As they get older, they can take on more responsibilities such as cooking dinner and running family errands.
• We discuss ways parents can build their relationships with their children by doing less. Amy encourages parents to get off the sidelines of their children's lives and create a culture that children will want to come back to, with fond childhood memories.

Amy: "Being stuck in a small space with a family of six forces you to work things out, to communicate -- where at home if you have arguments, everyone could go to their rooms. That wasn't possible. So we really learned how to communicate, to apologize, to come together, move on and become more flexible."

Amy: "People ask if I homeschooled them. I 'unschooled' them. Our whole point was to get away from the stress and pressure and see there is so much more to the world. There are other things that are just as important as their formal education."

Audrey: "I think in life we tend to not be intentional enough. Even with our own personal values. Often times we haven't articulated them to ourselves or taken the time to reflect, so that we can, in turn, share them with others."

Audrey: "It's about bringing it into congruence. When your values and your actions aren't matching up is when you don't feel good about your life. But when they do, you feel much more at peace. This is where we want to be."

Amy: "I see a lot of parents launching their kids with guilt and regret. Because their kids are gone and they didn't do all the things they had hoped to do. I think if we look more to that end and parent today with that in mind, we will be able to launch them with a little more peace."

Audrey: "I think that is what we all want, to launch our kids with core values that will help them have a really happy, healthy, successful life, full of good relationships, and to keep that connection with home, so they'll want to come back and reconnect with their siblings."

Amy: "I think it is really important that if kids are carrying cell phones and driving cars that they are working to contribute to those costs...We have to raise contributors, not just consumers."

Read my post, One Simple Thing, for monthly parenting challenges for a happier, more connected family.

Listen to my podcast episode 68 to hear more about my 12 Parenting Tips.

Another great podcast is my interview with Jessica Alexander on The Danish Way of Parenting.

Amy lives with her husband and five children in Paradise Valley, Arizona. Follow Amy Carney:

Amy Carney -- Parent on Purpose

Amy Carney on Facebook

Amy Carney on Twitter

Amy Carney on Instagram

Buy her book, Parent on Purpose, on Amazon. As a foster and adoptive parent, Amy donates proceeds from her book to benefit children living in the foster care system.

In Episode 69, I'm chatting with Karen Lock Kolp of the We Turned Out Okay website and podcast. We talked for the first time back in Episode 38: We Turned Out Okay with Karen Lock Kolp.

Karen is an early childhood development expert and parent coach. On her website and podcast, Karen helps worried and hovering parents by bringing reassuring, helpful advice and conversations. Her new book, 10 Secrets Happy Parents Know: How to Stop the Chaos, Bring Out Your Child's Good Behavior, and Truly Enjoy Family Time.

The Amazon description of 10 Secrets says:

"Often parents feel so lost. We want to say and do the right things in the moment to connect with our young children, but sometimes we can't even get them to just listen, and respect us.

10 Secrets Happy Parents Know helps with that, and more.

Drawing on her vast knowledge of child development, her many interactions with coaching clients and participants in her Ninja Parenting online community, and her own experience raising two boys, Karen developed her book, 10 Secrets Happy Parents Know.

The book is comprised of two parts:

1. Finding the good behavior within your child.
2. Truly enjoying Family Time.

Karen highlights some of the "Secrets" found in her book:

• Secret #1: Communication cuts through chaos! For some families, she suggests spending 10 minutes a day together, screen-free. This relaxed family time together can be the key to connection.
• Secret #3: Words Matter. Karen shares Magic Words in her book and online in a weekly post to her Facebook parenting group. They are productive, helpful phrases or single words to use in the moment so that you maintain connection with your child. Using Magic Words can help parents to avoid saying something in frustration that they may regret later.
  • A Magic Words example: When you want your child to know that you love them you can say, "What can I do for you right now?" You'll be surprised by the responses you might get. You may be asked to watch their video game or even just to give them a hug.
• Secret #8: You're only preliterate once. Children's academic and developmental progress shouldn't be rushed. Help them when they ask for it. Appreciate and respect each child's individual journey.
• Secret #9: Celebrate every day. The holidays can be so stressful for families. Karen suggests celebrating every day as a way to mitigate the pressures of celebrating special occasions. Kids can find something joyful in every day and that is something parents can learn from their kids.

Audrey: "It's a huge gift when someone just listens and isn't distracted while they're talking to us. Giving kids your full attention – even if it's just a few minutes a day – can be so valuable. Many times, kids act out because they are just trying to get our attention, to share something with us."

Karen: "A lot of times what parents have trouble with is knowing the right thing to say in the moment. How do you not lose it? Or say something that you'll regret? The 'magic words for parents' is all about that."

Karen: "Magic words work. They really work. This is what I keep hearing from people. They have to be specific, but there is a sort of formula to it. The first thing you should do is validate their concern by saying something like, 'Wow, that sounds really hard for you' and it isn't telling your children what to do."

Karen: "Wherever your child is in their development, whether it is true pre-literacy, like if they are actually pre-verbal, or if they are teenagers and they just don't have the life lessons yet that you want them to have, I think this idea really carries through because it's more about them being able to look around and be curious about things, and celebrate the every day. Understand that where they are is a really good place to be."

Karen: "No matter what age, letting them be "pre-literate" – whatever that means to them – and letting those questions bubble up for them. Then when they ask, 'What do I do? How do I start?' That's when you can help them along. You are there to help them look for resources."

Audrey: "When kids are young, it's easy to become fixated on milestones or various stages of development, like potty-training or learning to read. It is helpful to have friends in your community whose kids are different ages and a few years older. Listening to their perspectives can help calm nerves of first-time parents. With a wider view of their growth, you are more relaxed, accepting their path, whatever it is, and more likely to enjoy the journey."

Audrey: "What kids remember from their childhood is more often the day to day, simple things that families can do together. Small, simple traditions often make the biggest impact. It doesn't have to be big and fancy to be memorable."

• Ep. 38: We Turned Out Okay with Karen Lock Kolp
• Ep. 22: Jedi Mom Tricks with Maria Horner (Part 1)
• Ep. 33: Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 2)
• Ep. 42: Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 3)
• If you liked this episode, you might want to read my post, Giving Kids Our Full Attention.
• Listen to Karen's We Turned Out Okay podcast interview with me, Give Your Child The Magic of Summer, episode 224.

• Follow Karen Lock Kolp:
  • Website: https://weturnedoutokay.com
  • FB and twitter: @weturnedoutokay
  • Learn more about the (NPC) Ninja Parenting Community.
  • Join the We Turned Out Okay Facebook group, where each Monday morning Karen shares Magic words for parents.
  • She is also available to work privately with families in the Boston, Massachusetts area.

Learn how to be your own Life Coach by understanding what's working in your life – and what's not – and become consistently proactive about making positive changes. As you become the Expert of You, you'll gain clarity over your bigger picture dreams, and have ongoing support for making them happen. Kelly Pietrangeli In Episode 67, I'm talking…

The post Ep. 67: Working Together to Find a Happier Life Balance – Project "We" with Kelly Pietrangeli appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.

It is really important to shine the light on actual bullying behavior when it is toxic, relentless and cruel. But if we mistake things that are rude, joking or even mean and over-label them as bullying, then we are going to stop paying attention to bullying just as fast as it came into the spotlight.…

The post Ep. 66: Is it Rude, Is it Mean, or Is it Bullying? with Signe Whitson appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.

Kids need time in adolescence to answer the questions: Who am I? Where do I belong? Am I normal? They need reflective spaces, quiet time, time for daydreaming, time to listen to music on the couch, not having anywhere to be. We need to protect this time for our kids. Mary Hofstedt, Challenge Success …

The post Ep. 65: Raising Engaged, Happy Kids with Mary Hofstedt appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.

I think when you're talking about your kids coming home for a longer period of time, whether it is for Christmas or summer, setting that expectation up is really important because otherwise, you get frustrated with them on the couch and we don't always use our best parenting skills when we are frustrated. Maria Horner…

The post Ep. 64: Home for the Holidays: Preparing for Your College Kid to Come Home appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.