Do you know someone who's so difficult to disagree with that it's just a waste of time? Do you find yourself agreeing just so that you don't have to argue, even if you know you're in the right? Or, do they have a reputation of 'always being right' to a point where it's just easier to agree? This is not ok. This is not normal. In an intimate relationship, this is abuse.
Intellectual Abuse can be defined as an overall disrespect for another's intellectual interests, talent, way of thinking, or learning styles. This goes beyond just disagreeing with someone's ideas or having a different worldview. Remember, when we're talking abuse, we're talking a pattern of behavior that belittles, demeans, or shifts the power/control dynamic between partners.
This particular series of podcasts is my own experience with abuse. The definitions and characteristics that I use are drawn from the Power and Control Wheel, specifically Sarah McDougal's version.
Some indicators of intellectual abuse include:
--Demanding perfection
(Can look like........Nothing can ever be right, nit-picking tasks, ideas, texts, or communication)
--Insists on proof of your right to opinions
(Can sound like......'Prove it,' 'Who says?' 'Who do you think you are? 'You think you're smarter than everyone else now?' 'You're just saying that because so-and-so thinks that') This is a tricky one because often disagreements involve asking for authority or validity to support opinions; this is normal. What's not normal, is belittling someone's opinions or not even allowing for someone else to even have an opinion. It's an attitude that everyone else is wrong, their opinion is right, and there's really no room for argument.
--Insults intellect, education level, or ability to think
(For me, this sounded like 'Well, I don't have a fancy Master's Degree like you.' In public, he would brag about how smart I am and how educated I am, but in private, I would be called a 'lazy banker's daughter' who had no right to an opinion, no intellectual value, or ability to think independently.)
--Dumbs victim down
(Can sound like......'Even you have to agree that xyz is wrong' 'Wouldn't you agree that you're not the best decision maker?' 'Just because you have a *insert education or training* doesn't mean you know everything.')
--Intimidated by your mind
(Can sound like........'I guess I'm just not as smart as you.' Can also look like a refusal to talk about anything that could have multiple interpretations.)
--Refuses to allow you to disagree
(This is where arguing is pointless. They're always right and there's no room for discussion. Ideas are never addressed - only superficial topics because those are subject to the abuser's final opinion. Black and white thinking and circular logic helps to accomplish this.)
--Invalidates others if they point out abuse
(Can sound like......'they just think they're better than us.' 'They have no idea what they're talking about.' 'Who do they think they are to talk like that?' 'Even you'd have to agree that so-and-so is a hothead.')
When researching intellectual abuse, the internet grouped it into emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse rather than intellectual abuse in itself. My next episode will be on spiritual abuse, but for now this gives some clarity as to what intellectual abuse sounds, feels, and looks like.
As always, you're not crazy, you're not alone, you deserve healthy love, and you're safe here.
