Sweet Sister

This cold Sunday morning I went to a Pilates class. It’s in a studio above the stables of the equestrian center up the block from me. I live in a very unique place that allows me the slow paced life I denied myself for a long time. It grants me a pedestrian experience as I can walk to almost anything I might need, even a hospital. I have a train station and a bus stop just a short walk from my home. There is a supermarket, pharmacy, dentist, restaurant, the most amazing state park with bridle and bike and waking paths and a brand new coffee shop I’m obsessed with. And once upon a time I wanted to leave, I thought a life abroad leading retreats was the life for me.

The property that belongs to my siblings and I became the point of contention between us when I wanted to try to run a women’s hostel/homestead and it hurt so much to not have their genuine support. It was after my ugly divorce so the pain felt compounded, one thing after another. I even began to believe that my body was betraying me because low back spasms sent me into the hospital followed by 2 years of chronic pain. I know now that my body did not defy me but warned me. I was headed into a tumultuous situation and it did in fact drag me into karmic cycles that could have been avoided. A hard head makes a soft butt!

That heartache can be helpful though, if we let it, especially in retrospect because hindsight is 20/20. Not everyone believes we owe anything to each other. So many people are individualistic, it’s about what and how they can get what they want. Our culture rewards this way of living, we call it ambition and success. The next shiny thing to hold our gaze that can possibly advance a career or status gets the diminishing attention span of some of the people in our lives. We sit wondering why we got left behind and watching as they run after another golden sunset. All the fighting did teach me something. Don’t be scared to push back, or let go, or start over.

So I did. I committed to a life of learning, to slowing down and saying no. I committed to being Single and Happy and to figuring out for myself this game called life. I let myself be as I was, as I am- with all my insecurities and imperfections. I dared to see myself and to be seen, even if not yet fully evolved. I don’t have a relationship with my siblings anymore, I don’t have the work I used to have or some of the friendships and lovers I thought would last forever. You know what I do have? A blank canvas to paint in a new way. And if I’m being honest, it’s not that blank anymore. So many things have worked out for me too, so much of what did work out in my past masterpiece is serving as backdrop now. I have a collage in the works, some of the old, a lot of the new and a big open space in the center that is resistant to quick, fast, cheap and fake.

It means the world to me to have a yoga practice and business that sustains me, a walking practice in a park with trees that listen to me unconditionally and swans that teach me about diving deep and paddling with grace. The more I commit to myself and the truth of my heart the more life opens up to me. Once upon a time I dreamed about this life and now I have it. An independent, self sustaining slow paced single and happy life. Everyday I get more hyper local, I dedicate myself to creative time, alone time,

I walk to yoga, walk to the coffee shop, and all is well.

Life is what we make of it. Become like an artist and use what you’ve got to make it a masterpiece.

When it comes to healing and holding boundaries, we have to be vigilant. One could easily miss it when co-dependency and low self-esteem leave the building only to sneak back in through a broken window in the basement! It’s the foolish notion that healing can ever be “done” and it can trick us into believing all is well or things are as good as they can ever be. We forget that healing, just like a house, needs regular and consistent upkeep.

If shadow work is the tedious and boring clean up that helps you find the broken window in the basement than light work is how you fix it! It is craftsmanship, skills developed over time and through lived experiences that teach us and help us become wise. Shadow work is first finding and then accepting responsibility for your own patterns and triggers, it’s about seeing clearly how you defy and deny yourself. You can’t skip over the embarrassing parts that show you your mistakes. Light work is when what you know informs what you do and how you do it. It means changing the parts of yourself that keep you repeating silly mistakes. A healing journey is using pain and suffering to make a difference in how you feel and how you live. We know the world isn’t all love and light but that’s why people like me work with it. Light work is restoring integrity! And it only begins when we are in the dark.

Sometimes we let the window in the basement go too long without repair because we are stuck in the kitchen playing host to some b******t…

This, lovely reader, is where boundaries come in. If you let yourself grow through the lessons of life, it can work like a magical unfolding map. As we learn and adjust our behavior another piece of guidance shows up like mile markers on the path or the luck of placing your foot on a stable stepping stone. Boundaries help develop trust for the inner compass.

Remember that your beautiful soul is housed in that perfectly imperfect body of yours and healing has a lot to do with keeping your body/house clean and clear of the dangers of fake s**t. You are here for something uniquely your own. When you go off on detours they can be spontaneous and fun or silly self sabotage but either way the GPS reroutes you to your ultimate destination. Relax, you’re always headed where you’re going. That’s the good news! This summer I advise these three things… drink water, mind your business, enjoy the process of getting what you’ve always wanted while noticing the subtle ways the ego tries to sabotage . It’s your job to clean it up, to fix what’s wrong and to be a little picky about who you let in. Balance the shadow and light, sweet one. Integration of both, you hear me? Don’t allow division by listening to the internet tell you light work is delusional but do heed the warning about bypassing important lessons. Healing is a “yes and” process, it’s a “and also”, ok? We need you whole, shadow and light, all your so called good and bad is beautiful.

For a collection stories that help us heal, please consider buying my book. See you next time and Every Friday, with love

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A talk about a lot of thoughts, feelings, some silence and a good song at the end. I took this episode to the park with me. See if you hear something sweet. I hope it reminds you of something. I would say this is a story about women listening to trees and birds. It’s about reclamation of the path. Another collection of episodes as I cultivate the patience necessary to edit-it may never happen so here we go. Then again, why edit. We all make mistakes.