Happy Dia De Los Muertos! In the spirit of this celebration, where the veil between two worlds is lifted, join us as we dive in on the summer classic "Malibu Summer" even though it is now mid-fall and this book is definitely not a classic. Jess has decided that she needs Liz to spend the summer baby-sitting in Malibu with her because she is afraid to spend more than two seconds alone. Ol' Flat Face Lila Fowler is also there, leering at men she thinks are 45 but who are in fact, 15. The entire thing ends with an old Western-style flash flood endangering the life of a possessed child and a crazed stalker swinging around a knife. We don't know how we got here, either. But it is all definitely very spooky!

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Some more reading on Billionaire's Beach AKA the beach we are certain Liz is sleeping with one eye open on: https://laist.com/2015/07/06/billionaires_beach_access.php

Welcome to Book 24, “Memories” wherein we witness the return of loose cannon and former teen druggie of Sweet Valley Betsy Martin! Betsy wants Steven Wakefield to hang out with her all the time and reminisce over the death of her sister/Steven’s-former-teen-lover-with-leukemia, Tricia. Jess combats the untimely return of her own personal Bitch Eating Crackers by attempting to push Cara Walker onto Steven despite the fact that he prefers to spend his days staring at the endless stream of creepy hand drawn portraits Betsy keeps gifting him of Tricia.

In the B Plot, Liz is suffering from Baader-Meinhof syndrome and thinking she sees Todd everywhere. Turns out, it’s not Todd, but it IS another mega-douche dude who falls for some sort of Twin Trickery Volleyball Move at a charity volleyball tournament before never being mentioned in this universe again!

And somewhere in there, Jess is trying to become a movie star. (It doesn’t go as planned.)

Is Hunter Biden your own personal Bitch Eating Crackers? Hit us up and let us know! And don’t forget to please rate, subscribe and leave us a *nice nice nice* review on Apple Podcasts. xo!

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It's time for Book 23, “Say Good-bye” where before Todd leaves Sweet Valley forever, he tries on some Sister Wives bullshit. Jasmine is ecstatic! But Liz is sad, and deals with it by acting like a crazed early 2000’s N*Sync fan slash one of the letter-writing obsessed characters from The Notebook before rebounding hard with an inappropriately older man in the tech industry.

Over in the B plot, Jess is working at a dating service agency in order to pay back her parents for going nuts on their store account at Lisette’s. She deals with her office boredom by using the second computer to exist in Sweet Valley to try to turn Steven into a cub for cougars but the real story is that Jess has the hots for her brothers washboard abs and we want to hang out with her badass 27-year-old boss, Mary Ann.

In this episode you will learn the following highly nonessential information: the shape of the notebook Jess uses at work, what a “hometown honey” is, and the definition of the word “regatta” so that you may attend any fancy sailing event with ease as if you totally belong there.

Have you ever set your sibling up with someone super rich so that you could tangentially benefit from their wealth? Hit us up and let us know. And if you haven’t, make it up to us by rating, subscribing and leaving us a *glowing* review on Apple Podcasts. xo!

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Buy tickets to see Producer Candace perform at Splash House in JUNE in Palm Springs HERE: https://www.splashhouse.com/tickets/

Welcome to Book #22, wherein another teen who hasn't received their anti-dickmitization/HPV vaccine is doing the most and by doing the most we of course mean being a cringe-monster. DeeDee, a 2-D stand-in for Enid, is having trouble processing her parents divorce and decides the best way to cope with her core wound is to smother her chill boyfriend Bill with affection. Bill is highly not into it. Liz enlists herself in their problems in order to take credit for helping someone, while rolling her eyes the entire time. Meanwhile, Lila encourages Jess to make a dumb mistake for what we're pretty sure is just her own personal amusement and Toxic Masculinity Todd decides to try his hand at stand-up comedy. Yes, you read that right. Frankly, we're surprised he didn't get a network deal in the 80's.

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HOE-HOE-HOE! We have a special SPECIAL-ASS SURPRISE 4 U ALL!!! Welcome to Sweet Valley Highnesses Presents Special Christmas Christmas Special!! We made this BONUS CHRISTMAS EPI 4 U ALL (MOM) 'N TALKED ABOUT SWEET VALLEY HIGH SUPER EDITION #2, "SPECIAL CHRISTMAS" 2 GET U IN DA MOOD 4 X-MAS. SPOILER ALERT: IT SUX... ALSO WE POSTED IT LATE SO U WON'T B LISTENING 'TIL POST-X-MAS! Jasmine gave it a 2, Vanessa gave it a pity-4.5 (a real-life -2), & Producer Candace doesn't know what we're talking about. TBH, neither do we. STRAP INTO YOUR LIME GREEN TRIUMPH AND TRICK YOUR BFF INTO WEARING A TRASH BAG IN PUBLIC BECAUSE THIS EPISODE IS MERRY AF!!!

Also, if you like our "Deck The Halls" EDM trap remix featured heavily on this episode, you can thank #freefade on @soundcloud She is a BOSS who let us use her jam on our show, and u should download her shit and share it and show her love in any way possible! <3 MERRY CHRISTMAS U HOES!