Tactical Living

Ashlie: (00:18) Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.

Clint: And I'm your co-host, Clint Walton.

Ashlie:

And in today's episode we're going to talk about why having the inability to disconnect from work is not just impacting you. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content. Ashlie: (00:38) a little over a year ago, I'll paint the setting for you. When Clinton, I would get home from work. I had managed a pediatric practice. Of course, Clint is a police officer. We'd usually eat dinner, workout, Ashlie: (00:56) And we would sit on the couch for hours until we went to bed. And this wasn't a moment where we were connecting, snuggling, watching a movie together. Instead it would look something like the news playing in the background, Clint playing a game on his phone and me reading and getting completely engrossed in a romance novel on my Kindle. Ashlie: (01:25) And in retrospect, I can remember countless nights that looked exactly like that. Ashlie: (01:34) And this is not the fault of either one of us, but this is the fault of both of us. What that led to was such a disconnection in our emotional state that it affected everything else. It affected our sex life, it affected our communication and it affected us to the point to where we were not growing at that point. Essentially we were stuck in a rut. We weren't in a place to where we were expanding and experiencing life anywhere near what's comparable now Ashlie: (02:13) so what's changed? First starters, we don't get home and plop on the couch and we have very intentional direction with regards to our marriage. We have rules and guidelines and goals that are set up on a consistent basis and we have many projects that we're working on. Even like this podcast that you're listening now to now that we work on together Ashlie: (02:43) and the reason that I'm pointing this out is because neither one of us were able to disconnect from work at the time. And I believe that that is the foundational premise for why that negative behavior started in the first place. And then [inaudible] backing up a little bit before we even got home, we would talk to each other on the phone and unload our day. Clint: (03:08) Yeah. Speaker 2: (03:09) Not in a way to where we were pointing out the things that worked to our favor for that day, but we were unloading all of the suck to one another. Ashlie: (03:18) And this in no way means that I do not believe that you should share these moments with your partner. Ashlie: (03:24) However, what I've discovered is that a majority of the time, none of that suck matters and the crop that you experience on a day to day basis should essentially be put up on the bookshelf, especially when you're on your drive home to hang out with one another and to be with your family, to be with your kids Ashlie: (03:45) and by having some of the practices that we've mentioned in the past few episodes and one that we're going to, ones that we're going to continue to build on during this month. Ashlie: (03:55) I just want to point out what a difference it can make in your life. Ashlie: (04:01) Having those negative conversations with one another meant that we were building on this negative energy before we even walked through the door to see one another. Clint: (04:11) And in that it really impacted both of us because we were feeding off that negative influence upon one another. And then subsequently we almost kind of tied that negative emotion towards each other. Cause that's all we were talking about, right? The first words we shared when we got off of work. And so it brought up those negative emotions in instead of just springing at the positivity of actually getting to come home and be with one another and share that space and open up a world of opportunity surrounding our days and our lives. Ashlie: (04:55) and as you sit there, you might be wondering, so how do you do that? And I just want to go over a very simple tool that I didn't learn from anybody. It came to me naturally during one of my meditations when I was having a difficult time relaxing my mind and just shutting off that inner chatter. Ashlie: (05:14) And if you could just hold onto this method and practice it during this week and send us a message on Facebook @leowarriors1 or Instagram @leowarriors. Send me an email. My email address is in the show notes, just explaining to me if you tried this and if you did, what impact it had during your week. And so the process is simple. As you get in your car and you're starting to drive home, I want you to pay very close attention to any moment that you have when a thought comes into your mind as it pertains to work at all. That could be something that you experienced throughout your day and inevitably it might have something more to do with what you have to do for the days coming forward. And when you do that, I want you to picture a balloon, picture what color that balloon is, and put that thought into the balloon any way that feels right for you. Ashlie: (06:15) Maybe you put that thought into your balloon and you see the energy. Maybe you can see a caption with that thought inside of the balloon and I want you to picture it being released up into the sky until you can't see it anymore. And as you're driving home with the very intentful awareness, continue to do the same thing. Anytime that you have a thought that creeps in about work, put it into that balloon, watch it fly away until it's gone and start to focus on something more impactful, something more impactful with regards to what it is that you're about to experience as you walk into your, to your home, to your family. And as you do that, I want you to fully start to embrace what that feels like. Create a mental to do list if you need to, for all of the things that you're about to experience when you come home. And furthermore, the things that you want to experience when you walk into the door. Ashlie: (07:12) As you sit there, it might look something like, I have to send this person an email. Put that email inside of your balloon. Picture the color of the balloon. Fill your hands. Is it unclenching the string? That's holding the balloon to you and let it go. Ashlie: (07:31) change that thought process into what it is that you're going to see and experience when you come home. Picturing the handle of your front door, picturing your dog as it's wagging its tail, excited to see you when you come home and everything thereafter that follows in that picture that you want to exist when you walk into the house and as you continue to drive home as new thoughts start to creep in, something that upsets you at work from the day prior. Put it into your balloon and let it go. And the reason this is so important is because it allows you to use intention and to use the cognitive powers that you have inside of you. You have this brilliant mind that's capable of doing much more than it has ever taught to us. Ashlie: (08:16) Then you have the capacity to be able to change your reality and all of that crap that suck that gets bottled up day in and day out is inevitably going to inevitably going to start to change what your day looks like when you get home. If you don't want to plop on the couch and sit with your cell phone until you go to bed, decide that with intention on your drive home. What does that new to do list look like for you? And if you're worried or feel that anybody that you live with might think that this is off the wall by disrupting the pattern. I commend you for that and what I encourage you to do is explain to the people that you live with, that it's time to change things and that you're not happy and comfortable with what the living situation looks like when you're at home together. Ashlie: (09:06) This will allow you to expand on the creative energy and the input from everybody that you live with and by doing that, that positive to do list that you start to create each day on your way home will make big impacts not only on you but on your family, especially on your spouse and on your kids. If that means that you're going to have a picnic out on your front porch because you've probably never done that before. Why not get creative and think outside of the box? This social norm doesn't have to be normal for you, and when you understand that and you know that you have the ability to create your own reality and to make the picture look like exactly what you always thought it would, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living

Balance. Optimize. Tactics.

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Ashlie: (00:18)
Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.

Clint:

And I'm your co-host Clint Walton.

Ashlie:

In today's episode, we're going to talk about the difficulty that many people struggle with as it pertains to their spirituality versus the religious beliefs that they might have grown up with their entire lives. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content. I had the privilege of taking one of my clients to his first Reiki session yesterday. As you sit there, if you're not familiar with what reggae is, it's essentially a form of alternative medicine and your Reiki master will use a lot of hands on touch when it comes to the physical healing through universal energy. There's a lot more that goes into this and that might sound woo for some people, but for anybody who's gone through the evolution of increasing their spirituality at some point or another, I believe that you start to go down this path of expansion.

Ashlie: (01:20)
I know for me, meditation was really the first step that led me into my growth spiritually all together and Clint had his own awakening, so to speak. When it comes to being able to further grow and expand on his religious beliefs based on diving into some new techniques that weren't necessarily taught or brought up in the church or in his own Christian methodology. When it comes to belief, and I point this out because as my client is in doing his session, Clint and I are in the waiting room and I can tell outside of the lobby there was a man trying to figure out where he was going. Our Reiki master has an office in a very difficult location. She's really hard to find the first time that you go there and that's another reason why I made sure that I met my client there during his first session. This gentleman makes his way into our lobby and he asks if this is where the Reiki has done. We greet him, we tell him how it is and he takes a seat and he just starts sharing his story with us

Clint: (02:25)
and it was really amazing just to see how open he became with us. Almost instantly he started talking about his past and his Christian beliefs and how it seemed like to him that the reggae or the energy healing kind of went against everything that he's ever been taught within the Christianity religion or within people at the church. And as he's talking to us about this, it was really interesting to see his, I want to say, not rationale, but his way of explaining it, the process through for himself. And he starts talking about vibrations and just the megahertz that we can feel within our bodies and, and they have some sort of healing technique.

Ashlie: (03:21)
And one thing he pointed out was the amount of research that he's done on Reiki and what led him to showing up yesterday as open and aware as he did his first experience with an energy healer was four years ago. And he felt something deep inside of him that he could not conceptualize. And because he could not conceptualize this, it started to create this amount of limiting belief and self-doubt. And he definitely created this argument within himself as it pertained to everything he was taught religiously. And I almost got this sense that he felt that some people might construe Reiki as a practice of witchcraft and it has nothing to do with witchcraft. And I think cleanser, right? He was demonstrating his own rationale and looking for acceptance. And I think the reason he was so open with us on the onset was because we were his people.

Ashlie: (04:18)
We were sitting in the lobby of the very, the very session that he was about to walk into himself and he explained that for the past four years he's been so diligent with his research and he pointed out that a long time ago when Mozart's music first came to be, that there were people that swore by the fact that his music had healing powers. And I am not too well versed on megahertz, but he explained that in those days the sound waves that were projected are not anything like how they are today. And he believes that there's a limitation that was deliberately placed on music or a certain awareness as it pertains to the things that we take in. And you wanted to further explore that. And it took him four years to come to the space to where he was ready to do that for himself

Clint: (05:13)
and as he continued to talk with us, he started citing Bible verses and really diving deep into what God or Jesus says within the Bible about vibrational patterns and explaining in those verses how it rationalizes it's okay to seek this type of healing

Ashlie: (05:40)
and I can tell that he was a little nervous and apprehensive and I could have talked to him for much longer than we had the opportunity to and my client and our Ric aid master had finished with my client session and came out and this gentleman stood up and I can tell how happy he was with our relationship. As the four of us just started talking about just the connection in general to one another, the Reiki master came out and immediately held my hand and we were just sharing energy and to be in such a love and warming environment. The question that I had posed to this man was, how could you take a practice like this and further incorporate it and embrace it in a way to where it expands on what your religious beliefs are? You see as you sit there, I don't believe that there is any sort of disconnect from having this level of spiritual connection and leaning into the God that you believe in, whatever that is for you and his argument, the main argument was how could this be something so impactful? And I know that it is because I felt it and yet it's not taught in the church. And he even shared with us that he prayed up until that very morning for God to give him the reassurance that he was doing the right thing and that he wasn't going against anything that he's learned biblically. And it was a very blatant how well versed he was when it came to being very educated on what the Bible has taught him throughout his life.

Clint: (07:19)
And it's really interesting to see because we've talked about the societal belief in what you should and shouldn't do. And he actually brought up that point of it's not looked at it as a common practice within society and he didn't know where to look for any positive response surrounding it. And so he leaned into it, he read about it more, he decided to just go through with it. And from what I saw, it's been hugely impactful for them.

Ashlie: (08:02)
And another thing I want to point out that I can remember from his conversation yesterday was one of his final comments where he said that even after praying to God this morning, he knew that he could not ask for the answer that he was seeking from any man here on earth. And that the only person, the only being the only higher power that he could seek an answer from was from him to be able to further lean into his spiritual practice and build that connection on his higher power by praying to God up until that very moment morning. And that led him to showing up in the space that he did yesterday, open to receive whatever gifts he might've received from his own Reiki session that morning. And I think it takes a really strong individual to be brought up in the church the way that he seemingly was. And to follow the, there's an air quote around that as you listen and then to experience something that doesn't necessarily abide by those rules in the sense that it was never taught to him. And then to go a step further into it, decide to explore that on his own, not because of curiosity, but because of something that he felt and experienced four years ago and that burning desire to want to revisit that in order to further expand on his spirituality.

Ashlie: (09:28)
And as you sit there, I wonder if there's any moments in your own life where you've conformed and abided by this certain standard, this structure, this set of rules, and then something sparked your interest, but there was this negative pull towards you to where you didn't know if that was the correct direction that you should go in or not because nobody else around you was doing it.

Ashlie: (09:51)
Have you ever leaned into that and further explored it on your own and solid through in a way to where you found comfort and you found the answers that you were looking for? It's really hard to be a black sheep. It's hard because society has conformed our lives in a way to where there's very specific things that we're supposed to do in order to live a wholesome and righteous life.

Ashlie: (10:18)
I almost feel like I'm spitting out that word righteous. It literally hurts. I can feel it in my chest to say that because righteousness does not have to be something that is single formed. I believe that righteousness is what you know to be pure and true for yourself and not necessarily what somebody tells you it's supposed to be. And with the evolution and expansion of everything that we have in terms of resources nowadays, I mean, we can look up a YouTube video and get into an incredibly deep state of meditation just by watching and clicking on a button and getting into that own space of our own. And that doesn't mean that we need to be surrounded by a cog congregation that's telling us that it's supposed to be a certain way. We all experience and feel lives in a different way based on our past experience and our own ambitions, our own intellect. There are a lot of things that compile into this magnificent brain source that we have. And I think it's a shame to not further explore that in any way that you deem fit

Ashlie: (11:29)
And when you had the strength to do that, and you allow yourself to open up in a way that you know feels right in a way to where you're creating your own righteousness and your own self being and one that drives you in a way to where you're allowed to fully encompass what it means for you to be spiritually connected to a higher power, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.

Balance. Optimize. Tactics. 

Hit that subscribe button so that you don’t miss a day of the added value that I am dedicated to sharing with you weekly. 

Let’s Connect! 

Facebook 

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Email: [email protected] 

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Website: www.leowarriors.com

Free Training: www.leowarrior.com

Ashlie: (00:18) Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.

Clint:

And I'm your co-host Clint Walton.

Ashlie:

In today's episode, we're going to talk about the difficulty that many people struggle with as it pertains to their spirituality versus the religious beliefs that they might have grown up with their entire lives. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content. I had the privilege of taking one of my clients to his first Reiki session yesterday. As you sit there, if you're not familiar with what reggae is, it's essentially a form of alternative medicine and your Reiki master will use a lot of hands on touch when it comes to the physical healing through universal energy. There's a lot more that goes into this and that might sound woo for some people, but for anybody who's gone through the evolution of increasing their spirituality at some point or another, I believe that you start to go down this path of expansion. Ashlie: (01:20) I know for me, meditation was really the first step that led me into my growth spiritually all together and Clint had his own awakening, so to speak. When it comes to being able to further grow and expand on his religious beliefs based on diving into some new techniques that weren't necessarily taught or brought up in the church or in his own Christian methodology. When it comes to belief, and I point this out because as my client is in doing his session, Clint and I are in the waiting room and I can tell outside of the lobby there was a man trying to figure out where he was going. Our Reiki master has an office in a very difficult location. She's really hard to find the first time that you go there and that's another reason why I made sure that I met my client there during his first session. This gentleman makes his way into our lobby and he asks if this is where the Reiki has done. We greet him, we tell him how it is and he takes a seat and he just starts sharing his story with us Clint: (02:25) and it was really amazing just to see how open he became with us. Almost instantly he started talking about his past and his Christian beliefs and how it seemed like to him that the reggae or the energy healing kind of went against everything that he's ever been taught within the Christianity religion or within people at the church. And as he's talking to us about this, it was really interesting to see his, I want to say, not rationale, but his way of explaining it, the process through for himself. And he starts talking about vibrations and just the megahertz that we can feel within our bodies and, and they have some sort of healing technique. Ashlie: (03:21) And one thing he pointed out was the amount of research that he's done on Reiki and what led him to showing up yesterday as open and aware as he did his first experience with an energy healer was four years ago. And he felt something deep inside of him that he could not conceptualize. And because he could not conceptualize this, it started to create this amount of limiting belief and self-doubt. And he definitely created this argument within himself as it pertained to everything he was taught religiously. And I almost got this sense that he felt that some people might construe Reiki as a practice of witchcraft and it has nothing to do with witchcraft. And I think cleanser, right? He was demonstrating his own rationale and looking for acceptance. And I think the reason he was so open with us on the onset was because we were his people. Ashlie: (04:18) We were sitting in the lobby of the very, the very session that he was about to walk into himself and he explained that for the past four years he's been so diligent with his research and he pointed out that a long time ago when Mozart's music first came to be, that there were people that swore by the fact that his music had healing powers. And I am not too well versed on megahertz, but he explained that in those days the sound waves that were projected are not anything like how they are today. And he believes that there's a limitation that was deliberately placed on music or a certain awareness as it pertains to the things that we take in. And you wanted to further explore that. And it took him four years to come to the space to where he was ready to do that for himself Clint: (05:13) and as he continued to talk with us, he started citing Bible verses and really diving deep into what God or Jesus says within the Bible about vibrational patterns and explaining in those verses how it rationalizes it's okay to seek this type of healing Ashlie: (05:40) and I can tell that he was a little nervous and apprehensive and I could have talked to him for much longer than we had the opportunity to and my client and our Ric aid master had finished with my client session and came out and this gentleman stood up and I can tell how happy he was with our relationship. As the four of us just started talking about just the connection in general to one another, the Reiki master came out and immediately held my hand and we were just sharing energy and to be in such a love and warming environment. The question that I had posed to this man was, how could you take a practice like this and further incorporate it and embrace it in a way to where it expands on what your religious beliefs are? You see as you sit there, I don't believe that there is any sort of disconnect from having this level of spiritual connection and leaning into the God that you believe in, whatever that is for you and his argument, the main argument was how could this be something so impactful? And I know that it is because I felt it and yet it's not taught in the church. And he even shared with us that he prayed up until that very morning for God to give him the reassurance that he was doing the right thing and that he wasn't going against anything that he's learned biblically. And it was a very blatant how well versed he was when it came to being very educated on what the Bible has taught him throughout his life. Clint: (07:19) And it's really interesting to see because we've talked about the societal belief in what you should and shouldn't do. And he actually brought up that point of it's not looked at it as a common practice within society and he didn't know where to look for any positive response surrounding it. And so he leaned into it, he read about it more, he decided to just go through with it. And from what I saw, it's been hugely impactful for them. Ashlie: (08:02) And another thing I want to point out that I can remember from his conversation yesterday was one of his final comments where he said that even after praying to God this morning, he knew that he could not ask for the answer that he was seeking from any man here on earth. And that the only person, the only being the only higher power that he could seek an answer from was from him to be able to further lean into his spiritual practice and build that connection on his higher power by praying to God up until that very moment morning. And that led him to showing up in the space that he did yesterday, open to receive whatever gifts he might've received from his own Reiki session that morning. And I think it takes a really strong individual to be brought up in the church the way that he seemingly was. And to follow the, there's an air quote around that as you listen and then to experience something that doesn't necessarily abide by those rules in the sense that it was never taught to him. And then to go a step further into it, decide to explore that on his own, not because of curiosity, but because of something that he felt and experienced four years ago and that burning desire to want to revisit that in order to further expand on his spirituality. Ashlie: (09:28) And as you sit there, I wonder if there's any moments in your own life where you've conformed and abided by this certain standard, this structure, this set of rules, and then something sparked your interest, but there was this negative pull towards you to where you didn't know if that was the correct direction that you should go in or not because nobody else around you was doing it. Ashlie: (09:51) Have you ever leaned into that and further explored it on your own and solid through in a way to where you found comfort and you found the answers that you were looking for? It's really hard to be a black sheep. It's hard because society has conformed our lives in a way to where there's very specific things that we're supposed to do in order to live a wholesome and righteous life. Ashlie: (10:18) I almost feel like I'm spitting out that word righteous. It literally hurts. I can feel it in my chest to say that because righteousness does not have to be something that is single formed. I believe that righteousness is what you know to be pure and true for yourself and not necessarily what somebody tells you it's supposed to be. And with the evolution and expansion of everything that we have in terms of resources nowadays, I mean, we can look up a YouTube video and get into an incredibly deep state of meditation just by watching and clicking on a button and getting into that own space of our own. And that doesn't mean that we need to be surrounded by a cog congregation that's telling us that it's supposed to be a certain way. We all experience and feel lives in a different way based on our past experience and our own ambitions, our own intellect. There are a lot of things that compile into this magnificent brain source that we have. And I think it's a shame to not further explore that in any way that you deem fit Ashlie: (11:29) And when you had the strength to do that, and you allow yourself to open up in a way that you know feels right in a way to where you're creating your own righteousness and your own self being and one that drives you in a way to where you're allowed to fully encompass what it means for you to be spiritually connected to a higher power, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.

Balance. Optimize. Tactics.

Hit that subscribe button so that you don't miss a day of the added value that I am dedicated to sharing with you weekly.

Let's Connect!

Facebook

Instagram

Email: [email protected]

LinkedIn

Website: www.leowarriors.com

Free Training: www.leowarrior.com

Ashlie: (00:18)
Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.

Clint: And I'm your co-host Clint Walton.

Ashlie:

In today's episode, we're going to talk a little bit about box breathing and why it's so important to not only improve your concentration but to also help to reduce stress anytime that you need it. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content. Clint, why don't you just start out by telling the listener a little bit about your interpretation of what box breathing is.

Clint: (00:49)
For me, the box breath consists of breathing in for five seconds, holding it for five seconds, releasing for five seconds and sitting on the release after you've released all the oxygen in your lungs for five seconds and starting that process over. And for me, it's been really helpful in those instances, especially when I'm getting ready to head home from work. I start up my truck and I start driving and really start disconnecting myself from the whole mindset of the go-go-go all day to where I can come home and be with you on a daily basis. It's something that has become a ritual for me and in focusing on the breath, it cuts off all other thoughts. Those thoughts arise and you just kind of let them go, but you're focusing on your breath and that alone, and you can count for the five seconds or not, but it's something that has really just put ease within myself on a daily basis and it really lets me start that disconnection from work to when I come home. I'm just very just in the moment and I'm not wrapped up in everything I have to do or didn't do or whatever else it may be throughout the day.

Ashlie: (02:20)
I would say that you and I are relatively calm people, but that doesn't mean that we don't have times where we're negatively triggered. As you sit there, and if you’ve listened to this show for a while, after I lost my mom, I really took on a great deal of responsibility as it pertains to things that I need to do in order to help my dad. In doing that, I know that there's a bigger purpose. There are so many times frequently when I'll start to feel that sense of agitation creeping and when that starts to happen, it's not just the one. It starts to lead to this snowball of thoughts and I know that for me, I have to stop that snowball before it even starts. And I'll give you a perfect example. My dad has a tendency to ask me to do things for him last minute.

Ashlie: (03:16)
He's the owner of a construction company and my schedule is very well planned out up until the time that I go to sleep until the moment that I wake up. There's no white space on my calendar as Grant Cardone likes to say. I have it like that with intention and when there are things that come in and create this pattern interrupt and they happen in a way that don't necessarily serve me, I start to feel that trigger and it's a bigger problem when it comes to trying to help out your family, right? Helping out my dad. He doesn't have anybody else to do the things that he asks me to do to help him and I never mind doing that... If it's an anticipation. If I know that he's going to need help with the payroll or creating a proposal or whatever, it may be.

But when he comes to him asking me to do something last minute, especially when I'm at the stage in my night, when I've sat down my cell phone, we try to incorporate the no cell phone rule two hours before we go to bed and then I'm asked to hop on my computer or to look something up or make an appointment or write an email like whatever it is… It starts to create some frustration.

Ashlie: (04:30)
And it comes to another stem of thoughts to where in my mind, I tell myself, okay, well this isn't urgent. It can wait until tomorrow…but I already know what tomorrow's plan looks like and I don't always want to alter what that plan is. And I also don't want to forget to do it. But for me it would require me getting up, going into my calendar, rearranging some things. And inevitably it seems easier for me to just do it in the moment and to disrupt my pattern than it is for me to add it on and tack it onto another to do list.

Ashlie: (05:06)
And so after incorporating box breathing, what I've found is when I start to feel that trigger and I feel like it's going to lead me down this rabbit hole of negative thoughts that I don't want to feel because I don't feel that negativity towards my dad, I feel that negativity towards the situation in the moment. And I'm able to really center my concentration and to really decide how I want to feel. And that doesn't come from something with cognizant intention. And I say that because when you practice box breathing long enough, you know that there's this mindless capability that comes in to where the thoughts of the ego and the thoughts of the frustration or whatever it is that you're dealing with in that moment, they don't necessarily matter as much because you're in a different state. For me, I like to do a rep of five, so I'll do the box breathing and I'll do it over and over and over again for a total of five times.

Ashlie: (06:04)
I don't know if that's because five is my lucky number, but it works for me. And as you start to incorporate this practice into your own life, you might find that the number is less or more. But the key is whatever suits you and works for you best. And this doesn't mean that if you have problems, it's going to make all your problems go away. Everybody has problems. But what it is, is it another tool that you can use to sending yourself and to create some more balance during those moments when something happens that you didn't expect and it starts to offset what life should look like in your viewpoint. And I love that. I love it because it doesn't cost any money. It's something you can use over and over again. And it's really simple. It's easy to teach, it's easy to teach and instruct to someone else.

Ashlie: (06:56)
If I had kids, I couldn't imagine teaching them how to do it, we should probably teach my little nephew how to do it. And it would help a lot when it comes to balance and even some of those chaotic moments in life. And I think when you have any tools like this that you can incorporate on a routine basis, it's just another ability for you to be able to really decide how it is that you want to feel in the moment and not allow someone else to control your emotions, your ego, and for you to just ground yourself in a way that you're very direct and intentional with your concentration, your emotions and your feelings. And by having that as a simple tool, there are so many breathing exercises. If you just go onto YouTube and check them out for yourself and find at least one that you can constantly turn to.

Ashlie: (07:43)
And it's not a, it's not a mere matter of just practicing at once. You have to practice it so much to where every time you start to feel that negative emotion, it starts to become like second nature. To utilize this as a tool that you're going be able to carry with you for the rest of your life. And if you have more than one of these mental tools to be able to use, it really allows you to be that calm person. And people ask us all of the time questions pertaining to the way that we are independently and the way that we act when we're around each other and that's not because things are perfect, it's just because Clint, I had decided with intent, how we want to feel about the control of our minds and most importantly, at least in my viewpoint, is how much we don't want other people to have control over our minds and over our thoughts.

Clint: (08:37)
Yeah, and that's a great point. It's something that both of us have really dialed in to the fact of why should anybody else control our emotions or how we react to any instance and in focusing on the box breath or the other techniques that we've learned over this time, it's, it's so helpful. It alleviates any tension or stress that you're holding. If you get cut off in traffic and instead of yelling at the person, you just kind of let it go. That's something that has helped me tremendously. I've never really been a yeller at other vehicles, but internally it, it pisses me off. But I don't let that dude, I don't let them do that to me anymore.

Ashlie: (09:29)
It took a long time for me to come to terms and to come to grips with having that emotional concept to be acceptable for me because I always had this theory of like if people are so stupid that they're going to cut you off and jeopardize your own safety essentially is what it comes down to for me. Like they need to know about it and I would lay my horn down on them and I would let them know like what a piece of shit I thought they were for doing something like cutting me off. But in presencing myself during times like that, and this isn't something I'm perfect at by no means, but by doing this for the past year or so, that emotion that was triggered in me during situations like that, I don't have that. And I can say that with certainty like at all anymore.

Clint: (10:18)
And especially I look at it as in the morning on your drive to work, something happens. You're already setting yourself up for anger and frustration for that whole date. And all of us for the most part commute to work and deal with one or multiple stupid drivers. But you're setting yourself up with that intention starting out your day of, of negativity instead of just being your normal happy self.

Ashlie: (10:51)
And when you think about the fact that anytime somebody does negatively stimulate you in some way you're mad at them, you've identified that that's your inner ego telling you that there's something that you don't like about that person. But that's not the reality of the situation. And a lot of the times, especially when it comes to the driving situation, we don't know the reality of the situation, why that happened, what that person's life looks like, what their day look like. And by understanding that you have the ability to control your own cognizant awareness and how you want to feel and how you don't want to feel. And by having something such as simple as a breathing tool that could take you just minutes to be able to complete and run through on your own, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.

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Ashlie: (00:18) Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.

Clint: And I'm your co-host Clint Walton.

Ashlie:

In today's episode, we're going to talk a little bit about box breathing and why it's so important to not only improve your concentration but to also help to reduce stress anytime that you need it. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content. Clint, why don't you just start out by telling the listener a little bit about your interpretation of what box breathing is. Clint: (00:49) For me, the box breath consists of breathing in for five seconds, holding it for five seconds, releasing for five seconds and sitting on the release after you've released all the oxygen in your lungs for five seconds and starting that process over. And for me, it's been really helpful in those instances, especially when I'm getting ready to head home from work. I start up my truck and I start driving and really start disconnecting myself from the whole mindset of the go-go-go all day to where I can come home and be with you on a daily basis. It's something that has become a ritual for me and in focusing on the breath, it cuts off all other thoughts. Those thoughts arise and you just kind of let them go, but you're focusing on your breath and that alone, and you can count for the five seconds or not, but it's something that has really just put ease within myself on a daily basis and it really lets me start that disconnection from work to when I come home. I'm just very just in the moment and I'm not wrapped up in everything I have to do or didn't do or whatever else it may be throughout the day. Ashlie: (02:20) I would say that you and I are relatively calm people, but that doesn't mean that we don't have times where we're negatively triggered. As you sit there, and if you've listened to this show for a while, after I lost my mom, I really took on a great deal of responsibility as it pertains to things that I need to do in order to help my dad. In doing that, I know that there's a bigger purpose. There are so many times frequently when I'll start to feel that sense of agitation creeping and when that starts to happen, it's not just the one. It starts to lead to this snowball of thoughts and I know that for me, I have to stop that snowball before it even starts. And I'll give you a perfect example. My dad has a tendency to ask me to do things for him last minute. Ashlie: (03:16) He's the owner of a construction company and my schedule is very well planned out up until the time that I go to sleep until the moment that I wake up. There's no white space on my calendar as Grant Cardone likes to say. I have it like that with intention and when there are things that come in and create this pattern interrupt and they happen in a way that don't necessarily serve me, I start to feel that trigger and it's a bigger problem when it comes to trying to help out your family, right? Helping out my dad. He doesn't have anybody else to do the things that he asks me to do to help him and I never mind doing that... If it's an anticipation. If I know that he's going to need help with the payroll or creating a proposal or whatever, it may be.

But when he comes to him asking me to do something last minute, especially when I'm at the stage in my night, when I've sat down my cell phone, we try to incorporate the no cell phone rule two hours before we go to bed and then I'm asked to hop on my computer or to look something up or make an appointment or write an email like whatever it is… It starts to create some frustration. Ashlie: (04:30) And it comes to another stem of thoughts to where in my mind, I tell myself, okay, well this isn't urgent. It can wait until tomorrow…but I already know what tomorrow's plan looks like and I don't always want to alter what that plan is. And I also don't want to forget to do it. But for me it would require me getting up, going into my calendar, rearranging some things. And inevitably it seems easier for me to just do it in the moment and to disrupt my pattern than it is for me to add it on and tack it onto another to do list. Ashlie: (05:06) And so after incorporating box breathing, what I've found is when I start to feel that trigger and I feel like it's going to lead me down this rabbit hole of negative thoughts that I don't want to feel because I don't feel that negativity towards my dad, I feel that negativity towards the situation in the moment. And I'm able to really center my concentration and to really decide how I want to feel. And that doesn't come from something with cognizant intention. And I say that because when you practice box breathing long enough, you know that there's this mindless capability that comes in to where the thoughts of the ego and the thoughts of the frustration or whatever it is that you're dealing with in that moment, they don't necessarily matter as much because you're in a different state. For me, I like to do a rep of five, so I'll do the box breathing and I'll do it over and over and over again for a total of five times. Ashlie: (06:04) I don't know if that's because five is my lucky number, but it works for me. And as you start to incorporate this practice into your own life, you might find that the number is less or more. But the key is whatever suits you and works for you best. And this doesn't mean that if you have problems, it's going to make all your problems go away. Everybody has problems. But what it is, is it another tool that you can use to sending yourself and to create some more balance during those moments when something happens that you didn't expect and it starts to offset what life should look like in your viewpoint. And I love that. I love it because it doesn't cost any money. It's something you can use over and over again. And it's really simple. It's easy to teach, it's easy to teach and instruct to someone else. Ashlie: (06:56) If I had kids, I couldn't imagine teaching them how to do it, we should probably teach my little nephew how to do it. And it would help a lot when it comes to balance and even some of those chaotic moments in life. And I think when you have any tools like this that you can incorporate on a routine basis, it's just another ability for you to be able to really decide how it is that you want to feel in the moment and not allow someone else to control your emotions, your ego, and for you to just ground yourself in a way that you're very direct and intentional with your concentration, your emotions and your feelings. And by having that as a simple tool, there are so many breathing exercises. If you just go onto YouTube and check them out for yourself and find at least one that you can constantly turn to. Ashlie: (07:43) And it's not a, it's not a mere matter of just practicing at once. You have to practice it so much to where every time you start to feel that negative emotion, it starts to become like second nature. To utilize this as a tool that you're going be able to carry with you for the rest of your life. And if you have more than one of these mental tools to be able to use, it really allows you to be that calm person. And people ask us all of the time questions pertaining to the way that we are independently and the way that we act when we're around each other and that's not because things are perfect, it's just because Clint, I had decided with intent, how we want to feel about the control of our minds and most importantly, at least in my viewpoint, is how much we don't want other people to have control over our minds and over our thoughts. Clint: (08:37) Yeah, and that's a great point. It's something that both of us have really dialed in to the fact of why should anybody else control our emotions or how we react to any instance and in focusing on the box breath or the other techniques that we've learned over this time, it's, it's so helpful. It alleviates any tension or stress that you're holding. If you get cut off in traffic and instead of yelling at the person, you just kind of let it go. That's something that has helped me tremendously. I've never really been a yeller at other vehicles, but internally it, it pisses me off. But I don't let that dude, I don't let them do that to me anymore. Ashlie: (09:29) It took a long time for me to come to terms and to come to grips with having that emotional concept to be acceptable for me because I always had this theory of like if people are so stupid that they're going to cut you off and jeopardize your own safety essentially is what it comes down to for me. Like they need to know about it and I would lay my horn down on them and I would let them know like what a piece of shit I thought they were for doing something like cutting me off. But in presencing myself during times like that, and this isn't something I'm perfect at by no means, but by doing this for the past year or so, that emotion that was triggered in me during situations like that, I don't have that. And I can say that with certainty like at all anymore. Clint: (10:18) And especially I look at it as in the morning on your drive to work, something happens. You're already setting yourself up for anger and frustration for that whole date. And all of us for the most part commute to work and deal with one or multiple stupid drivers. But you're setting yourself up with that intention starting out your day of, of negativity instead of just being your normal happy self. Ashlie: (10:51) And when you think about the fact that anytime somebody does negatively stimulate you in some way you're mad at them, you've identified that that's your inner ego telling you that there's something that you don't like about that person. But that's not the reality of the situation. And a lot of the times, especially when it comes to the driving situation, we don't know the reality of the situation, why that happened, what that person's life looks like, what their day look like. And by understanding that you have the ability to control your own cognizant awareness and how you want to feel and how you don't want to feel. And by having something such as simple as a breathing tool that could take you just minutes to be able to complete and run through on your own, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.

Balance. Optimize. Tactics.

Hit that subscribe button so that you don't miss a day of the added value that I am dedicated to sharing with you weekly.

Let's Connect!

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Email: [email protected]

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Website: www.leowarriors.com

Free Training: www.leowarrior.com

Ashlie: (00:18)
Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.

Clint: (00:23)
And I'm your co-host Clint Walton.

Ashlie: (00:26)
I have a funny story before we get started in today's episode. Clint and I have our studios upstairs in our house, not studios. We have one studio. And as we were walking up the stairs, he asked me if I want to know a fun fact and I said, sure. And he says, did you know that during the Superbowl there are more toilet flushes than there are any other time during the year? My response was silence.

Clint: (00:58)
Her response was, that's old news and

Ashlie: (01:01)
And then he went on to try to redeem himself. Then he says, did you know that the average toilet lifespan is 50 years?

Clint: (01:11)
You have two toilets in your life if you live to a hundred

Ashlie: (01:14)
And I said, no, I didn't know that. And it's funny because our toilets…our house was built in 2005 and the toilets here are not the newer ones, which are called hard flush toilets and we're getting ready to do some work on our house and we're having them replaced. So I don't think that 10 or the 50 year rule applies quite the same for everybody. But I digress. In today's episode we're going to talk about how difficult it is for some people to disconnect even when they're on vacation. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content.

Ashlie: (01:54)
I had a listener that I was able to meet up with in person last week. She is the girlfriend of a police officer and she's so sweet. She came back from a trip to Hawaii after seeing her family. She was born in Hawaii. She moved here when she was eight years old and her and her boyfriend went there just for a short vacation. She brought me back some chocolate covered macadamia nuts. They're absolutely delicious. Yes they were. We regretted eating them though, as soon as we put them in our mouth. She's telling me about how beautiful her trip was and you see her and she's glowing. You can tell she just was on vacation hanging out by the beach. She starts talking about her time with her boyfriend. They're in a very committed relationship and she loves him to death. You can just tell by the way that she talks about him…Her respect for him, her respect for his profession. She says that there was a moment when they were sitting there on the beach and it's just beautiful and as you listen, I'm not sure if you've ever been to Hawaii, but it certainly looks exactly like the photos and it's a dream vacation.

Ashlie: (03:14)
She looks over at her boyfriend and his playing on his phone. And I say playing, I'm not really sure what the context was or what he was doing on his phone, but I can't imagine that whatever he was doing was more important than sharing that moment in Hawaii with the sunset on the beach with his girlfriend.

Ashlie: (03:39)
And so she asked me some questions about why he might've done that. Why was it more important for him to be on his phone than to share that moment with her?

Ashlie: (03:49)
And we got into a pretty deep conversation. I started talking to her about a lot of stories that I've heard when it comes to the first responders that we work with or first responders that I talk to on a routine basis. And what happens is they're so used to being in a realm where they're constantly triggered and they're waiting for the next thing to happen. You have that built up anticipation. You're waiting to go on the next call. Somebody is always calling you. There's a radio always on. You're always hearing this chatter. You have the inner chatter in your own head and it never stops. And there's even been some studies that are diving into the possibility of PTSD and depression being related to first responders constantly having that stimulus and then when they go home, being in a surrounding where they're at such a low that they're constantly seeking out that stimulus some more, even when they're not on the clock.

Ashlie: (04:54)
And I pointed that out to her and I was explaining how being on his phone was probably not a disregard towards her. And they got into an argument over it. And I can tell by the way that she was talking that the argument built up in a way to where it was obviously something that meant enough to him for him to be triggered emotionally based on her response and action when she pointed it out.

Ashlie: (05:22)
And Clint, I just wonder what your take is?

Speaker 4: (05:25)
You know, as you're talking about this, I think back to the stories I hear of the old days where officers, they didn't have our computers in their cars. They just had to call dispatch over the radio. They would have to find the nearest payphone. They carried a pocket full of dimes or had tons of dimes with them and they would go to a pay phone and have to call dispatch to find out more circumstances revolving around the call. Revolving around what goes into it and in that I look at nowadays we have so much technology that we're wrapped around. I mean during my typical Workday, I'm tied into my phone all day and it's not playing games or checking Facebook. It's talking to community members, talking to business owners, talking to my bosses and having that level of connection all day long, 10 or 12 hours a day.

Clint: (06:29)
It becomes almost an attachment to you and you're checking your emails and what you see on a daily basis is you're always looking for the next thing that's coming. What do I have to do next? What do I need to look for? What is it that is popping up in society right now? Was there an officer shot? Was there another active shooter somewhere? Do I need to have my guard up because of something that may be going on somewhere else? In looking at that when I'm off duty, I kind of do the same thing. I have my phone with me, I check my work email. I ask myself what I have to do tomorrow? What's going on? How is this going to impact me at work? How is this going to impact policing in general? And it's something that I've recognized. It's hard to get away from that stimulus. Like you said, it is always there and it's just something that triggers you and when there's nothing going on, you think in the back of your mind, well, this is just the calm before the storm. And so us as police officers, we really want to focus on being prepared for that storm, not waiting for the storm to hit, then reacting to it. We like being proactive and that's how I look at that situation as you want to prepare yourself for what's to come next.

Ashlie: (08:05)
You touched on a lot of great points there and my response to her was probably not one that she wanted to hear. I just discussed with her the importance of taking a step back and understanding that as a police officer, as a long-term boyfriend, it takes a lot of learning when it comes to the dynamics of being in a relationship with the first responder. Essentially, his action of being in one of the most beautiful places in the world and feeling the need to look at his cell phone instead of the picturesque view in front of him is essentially built up in his human nature. He's trained to be that way and when you understand that there's nothing wrong with him for doing that, then it allows you to take a step back and breathe. Then recognize what is it exactly that you would have wanted out of that situation?

Clint: (09:02)
For me personally when it comes to having my cell phone on vacation, we've talked about this at length before is I take my cell phone and turn it off. The first couple of days are always hard because you had that craving, that addiction to look at your email, to talk to people, to, to keep remaining in touch with those friendships, those, those partnerships that you formed and after that, that day or two of really having it off your body recognizes it's almost not a part of you anymore and you're able to separate yourself from it.

Ashlie: (09:41)
That's a great point because we are not our cell phones. We think that by engaging through them that it gives us that human connection to what's on the other side. But in this situation, and I don't know this officer, but I really don't believe that that's the case. I don't believe that he associates himself and his identity with his phone. But I truly believe that he wasn't aware of what was happening in the moment until what was happening with her boiled up to the point of release and it turned into an argument. And I get that because I've been there before. We've been there before. We've been sitting on the couch and trying to just enjoy a moment. And I've made mentioned to you, you know, several years back, of how you're just watching your phone, like why do you need your phone right now? Or having a conversation and then you mindlessly pick up your phone in the middle of a conversation.

Ashlie: (10:37)
Like who cares? It's always going to be there. Whatever it is that message, that voicemail, chances are if someone's not banging on your door, then there's not a real emergency going on. And of course there's many times where you've been called into work for emergencies in the middle of the night, but chances are that doesn't happen on a regular basis for most people, whether you're a first responder or not. And in recognizing that there was a problem and it was something that she didn't like…my best advice to her and to anybody as you listen if you're experiencing or have experienced something similar, is to analyze a situation and present your opinions with some grace. And I say that from a place of really knowing how to format the conversation. And we've had these so many times throughout our marriage. We've been married now for almost 12 years and I can think of many times in recent time where the preface for the conversation would go something like, ‘you know, we're in a good space.’

Ashlie: (11:49)
Usually that good space for whatever reason is when you're doing something mindless together, like driving in the car and you're both in a good mood. Maybe there's some good music on and you just stop for a second and you say, ‘I want to talk about something. I don't want to create an argument or anything. We're both in a cool frame of mine. So is it okay with you if we just talk about what happened when we were in Hawaii and we got into an argument that way?’ You're putting the ball in the other person's court and they don't feel threatened or like you're coming to attack them in any way and by laying the precedents for it and having it in a good setting to begin with. There really should be nothing off limits or off the table because you're in a relationship to where that communication needs to continue to grow.

Ashlie: (12:34)
And that's one of the easiest ways to do it. And by not attacking the other person, but still being true to yourself and understanding how important it is to fill up your own cup first. To have your own wants, your own desires, your own needs, and to be able to convey them to your partner in a way to where they're going to reciprocate in a respectful way. They should reciprocate in a respectful way and if their response is anything short of that, the hard truth is that you might want to reconsider that relationship. Those are some cold words to hear some times. And as you sit there, if those are words that are stabbing you in your chest, then maybe deep down you know that those words might be true for you. And the flip side of that is that excitement and that anticipation in knowing that you can have your own space to air the topics that are most important to you in a way to where it progresses, the relationship. And those arguments don't blow up in a way to where you don't want to sit next to each other on a flight home. And when you understand that you have the ability to still control your own wants and desires, even if you're in a relationship with somebody else and you have the ability then to share the opinions and to lend an ear and to be open-minded to whatever they share with you in return, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.

Balance. Optimize. Tactics. 

Hit that subscribe button so that you don’t miss a day of the added value that I am dedicated to sharing with you weekly. 

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Ashlie: (00:18) Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton. Clint: (00:23) And I'm your co-host Clint Walton. Ashlie: (00:26) I have a funny story before we get started in today's episode. Clint and I have our studios upstairs in our house, not studios. We have one studio. And as we were walking up the stairs, he asked me if I want to know a fun fact and I said, sure. And he says, did you know that during the Superbowl there are more toilet flushes than there are any other time during the year? My response was silence. Clint: (00:58) Her response was, that's old news and Ashlie: (01:01) And then he went on to try to redeem himself. Then he says, did you know that the average toilet lifespan is 50 years? Clint: (01:11) You have two toilets in your life if you live to a hundred Ashlie: (01:14) And I said, no, I didn't know that. And it's funny because our toilets…our house was built in 2005 and the toilets here are not the newer ones, which are called hard flush toilets and we're getting ready to do some work on our house and we're having them replaced. So I don't think that 10 or the 50 year rule applies quite the same for everybody. But I digress. In today's episode we're going to talk about how difficult it is for some people to disconnect even when they're on vacation. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content. Ashlie: (01:54) I had a listener that I was able to meet up with in person last week. She is the girlfriend of a police officer and she's so sweet. She came back from a trip to Hawaii after seeing her family. She was born in Hawaii. She moved here when she was eight years old and her and her boyfriend went there just for a short vacation. She brought me back some chocolate covered macadamia nuts. They're absolutely delicious. Yes they were. We regretted eating them though, as soon as we put them in our mouth. She's telling me about how beautiful her trip was and you see her and she's glowing. You can tell she just was on vacation hanging out by the beach. She starts talking about her time with her boyfriend. They're in a very committed relationship and she loves him to death. You can just tell by the way that she talks about him…Her respect for him, her respect for his profession. She says that there was a moment when they were sitting there on the beach and it's just beautiful and as you listen, I'm not sure if you've ever been to Hawaii, but it certainly looks exactly like the photos and it's a dream vacation. Ashlie: (03:14) She looks over at her boyfriend and his playing on his phone. And I say playing, I'm not really sure what the context was or what he was doing on his phone, but I can't imagine that whatever he was doing was more important than sharing that moment in Hawaii with the sunset on the beach with his girlfriend. Ashlie: (03:39) And so she asked me some questions about why he might've done that. Why was it more important for him to be on his phone than to share that moment with her? Ashlie: (03:49) And we got into a pretty deep conversation. I started talking to her about a lot of stories that I've heard when it comes to the first responders that we work with or first responders that I talk to on a routine basis. And what happens is they're so used to being in a realm where they're constantly triggered and they're waiting for the next thing to happen. You have that built up anticipation. You're waiting to go on the next call. Somebody is always calling you. There's a radio always on. You're always hearing this chatter. You have the inner chatter in your own head and it never stops. And there's even been some studies that are diving into the possibility of PTSD and depression being related to first responders constantly having that stimulus and then when they go home, being in a surrounding where they're at such a low that they're constantly seeking out that stimulus some more, even when they're not on the clock. Ashlie: (04:54) And I pointed that out to her and I was explaining how being on his phone was probably not a disregard towards her. And they got into an argument over it. And I can tell by the way that she was talking that the argument built up in a way to where it was obviously something that meant enough to him for him to be triggered emotionally based on her response and action when she pointed it out. Ashlie: (05:22) And Clint, I just wonder what your take is? Speaker 4: (05:25) You know, as you're talking about this, I think back to the stories I hear of the old days where officers, they didn't have our computers in their cars. They just had to call dispatch over the radio. They would have to find the nearest payphone. They carried a pocket full of dimes or had tons of dimes with them and they would go to a pay phone and have to call dispatch to find out more circumstances revolving around the call. Revolving around what goes into it and in that I look at nowadays we have so much technology that we're wrapped around. I mean during my typical Workday, I'm tied into my phone all day and it's not playing games or checking Facebook. It's talking to community members, talking to business owners, talking to my bosses and having that level of connection all day long, 10 or 12 hours a day. Clint: (06:29) It becomes almost an attachment to you and you're checking your emails and what you see on a daily basis is you're always looking for the next thing that's coming. What do I have to do next? What do I need to look for? What is it that is popping up in society right now? Was there an officer shot? Was there another active shooter somewhere? Do I need to have my guard up because of something that may be going on somewhere else? In looking at that when I'm off duty, I kind of do the same thing. I have my phone with me, I check my work email. I ask myself what I have to do tomorrow? What's going on? How is this going to impact me at work? How is this going to impact policing in general? And it's something that I've recognized. It's hard to get away from that stimulus. Like you said, it is always there and it's just something that triggers you and when there's nothing going on, you think in the back of your mind, well, this is just the calm before the storm. And so us as police officers, we really want to focus on being prepared for that storm, not waiting for the storm to hit, then reacting to it. We like being proactive and that's how I look at that situation as you want to prepare yourself for what's to come next. Ashlie: (08:05) You touched on a lot of great points there and my response to her was probably not one that she wanted to hear. I just discussed with her the importance of taking a step back and understanding that as a police officer, as a long-term boyfriend, it takes a lot of learning when it comes to the dynamics of being in a relationship with the first responder. Essentially, his action of being in one of the most beautiful places in the world and feeling the need to look at his cell phone instead of the picturesque view in front of him is essentially built up in his human nature. He's trained to be that way and when you understand that there's nothing wrong with him for doing that, then it allows you to take a step back and breathe. Then recognize what is it exactly that you would have wanted out of that situation? Clint: (09:02) For me personally when it comes to having my cell phone on vacation, we've talked about this at length before is I take my cell phone and turn it off. The first couple of days are always hard because you had that craving, that addiction to look at your email, to talk to people, to, to keep remaining in touch with those friendships, those, those partnerships that you formed and after that, that day or two of really having it off your body recognizes it's almost not a part of you anymore and you're able to separate yourself from it. Ashlie: (09:41) That's a great point because we are not our cell phones. We think that by engaging through them that it gives us that human connection to what's on the other side. But in this situation, and I don't know this officer, but I really don't believe that that's the case. I don't believe that he associates himself and his identity with his phone. But I truly believe that he wasn't aware of what was happening in the moment until what was happening with her boiled up to the point of release and it turned into an argument. And I get that because I've been there before. We've been there before. We've been sitting on the couch and trying to just enjoy a moment. And I've made mentioned to you, you know, several years back, of how you're just watching your phone, like why do you need your phone right now? Or having a conversation and then you mindlessly pick up your phone in the middle of a conversation. Ashlie: (10:37) Like who cares? It's always going to be there. Whatever it is that message, that voicemail, chances are if someone's not banging on your door, then there's not a real emergency going on. And of course there's many times where you've been called into work for emergencies in the middle of the night, but chances are that doesn't happen on a regular basis for most people, whether you're a first responder or not. And in recognizing that there was a problem and it was something that she didn't like…my best advice to her and to anybody as you listen if you're experiencing or have experienced something similar, is to analyze a situation and present your opinions with some grace. And I say that from a place of really knowing how to format the conversation. And we've had these so many times throughout our marriage. We've been married now for almost 12 years and I can think of many times in recent time where the preface for the conversation would go something like, 'you know, we're in a good space.' Ashlie: (11:49) Usually that good space for whatever reason is when you're doing something mindless together, like driving in the car and you're both in a good mood. Maybe there's some good music on and you just stop for a second and you say, 'I want to talk about something. I don't want to create an argument or anything. We're both in a cool frame of mine. So is it okay with you if we just talk about what happened when we were in Hawaii and we got into an argument that way?' You're putting the ball in the other person's court and they don't feel threatened or like you're coming to attack them in any way and by laying the precedents for it and having it in a good setting to begin with. There really should be nothing off limits or off the table because you're in a relationship to where that communication needs to continue to grow. Ashlie: (12:34) And that's one of the easiest ways to do it. And by not attacking the other person, but still being true to yourself and understanding how important it is to fill up your own cup first. To have your own wants, your own desires, your own needs, and to be able to convey them to your partner in a way to where they're going to reciprocate in a respectful way. They should reciprocate in a respectful way and if their response is anything short of that, the hard truth is that you might want to reconsider that relationship. Those are some cold words to hear some times. And as you sit there, if those are words that are stabbing you in your chest, then maybe deep down you know that those words might be true for you. And the flip side of that is that excitement and that anticipation in knowing that you can have your own space to air the topics that are most important to you in a way to where it progresses, the relationship. And those arguments don't blow up in a way to where you don't want to sit next to each other on a flight home. And when you understand that you have the ability to still control your own wants and desires, even if you're in a relationship with somebody else and you have the ability then to share the opinions and to lend an ear and to be open-minded to whatever they share with you in return, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.

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Ashlie: (00:18)
Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.

Clint: I'm your co-host Clint Walton.

Ashlie:

In today's episode, we're going to talk about the fight or flight response and why it's so difficult in today's modern world to break free from that and to be fully engaged with life. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content. Clint and recently went to Universal Studios Horror Nights. If you've never been there, I would highly recommend it. It's like the epitome of every haunted house that you've ever been to in your life or everyone that you've ever wanted to go to, to where you're paying money for people, people to deliberately scare you. And I'm making mention of this because we went with several friends and the reason that we like to go is not necessarily because we get scared, but it's because of that ‘Oh crap’ moment when someone spooks you and you didn't expect it.

Clint: (01:19)
And it's really funny when you see someone get spooked. It’s hilarious to watch.

Ashlie: (01:26)
Yeah. And we set it up in a way that when you go through these different mazes, which essentially are like different haunted houses throughout the park…We went with one of Clint’s partners and his girlfriend. There were times where we made him go in front of us deliberately so that we could watch him get scared before anybody else.

Clint: (01:48)
And this friend of mine, he's like the man's man. He’s very stern. Very kept together. It's hilarious to see him get scared.

Ashlie: (02:00)
Yeah. Clint, I think you've talked about a lot of people who make comments about his resting bitch face. He works out a lot so he's this really buff guy that doesn't look like he would be fazed by anything. But I can attest to the fact that he definitely gets triggered when something comes his way that he wasn't expecting. And likewise for all of us. We all get into that space. But the cool thing with this is you're literally paying money so that you can either experience it yourself or in our case, watch people that you're with experience it right in front of you. By the end of the night, my jaw was hurting. I don't know if you've ever experienced that as you sit there to where you've just had a night where you can drive home and you're just smiling back at yourself just thinking about everything that transpired throughout the night.

Ashlie: (02:51)
But that was really what the entire evening was like for all of us. There was many times where Clint and I also got spooked and startled and people were just laughing at us because we shouldn't have been scared in that moment. We weren't expecting it. And the reason I bring this up is because in a situation like that, it was deliberate. It was intentional. We knew what we were getting ourselves into. But throughout the motions of our normal day to day, there are many times where our fight or flight response is triggered and we might not even know it. And I've read an article from www.verywellmind.com and they talk about how what this essentially is is just an acute stress response and when this happens and you're in that moment of ‘Oh crap this scares me’ or something that you weren't expecting, there's a release of hormones that take place.

Ashlie: (03:48)
And if you can think about that moment where you've experienced that yourself and you can think about the sort of flush that you feel, that's the hormones that are being released in such a quick amount that that's what's creating this inner instinct that's coming up in you. And it all relates back to this primitive nature of us being able to seek out pray, to hunt or seeking out a mate to procreate. And that's really what it boils down to. It's something far deeper and far more primitive than just going to an amusement park and being startled. And the problem that I see with that is when it comes to modern technology, we're constantly stimulated to some extent, dozens, if not hundreds of thousands of times throughout the day and throughout our week. And this could be something as simple as having notifications turned on on your phone. I know for me, that ping that you hear when you get a text message, there's something that's triggered.

Ashlie: (04:51)
I can feel those hormones being released inside of me and then even if we try to portray it as like, Oh, we'll just pass it up and check it later. It's not that important in the back of our mind. It still exists there and we feel like we have to tend to it and it's just the same as going on a hunt and turning around the corner to see what's on the other side of a tree and it's really hard to turn that off and without the full intention of it. We don't realize what it's doing to us on a subconscious level and also on a physical level when we're constantly disturbed that way. And it's a lot different than just being in a silent, dark, quiet room, which is nearly impossible in today's day and age. There's little led lights on everything nowadays, whether it's you know, the television or even having alerts that are on silent that are creating light inside of your bedroom when you're sleeping. It constantly puts us on alert and on edge. And I think it's important to point out how important it is to really tune that out as best as you can.

Clint: (06:01)
And something I've discovered recently and Dave Asprey said this in one of his blog posts talking about the fight or flight response and how it actually negatively affects your body in the aspect of on a daily basis. We're experiencing this fight or flight response throughout our body. And that's led to the ongoing issues of heart disease as well as heart attacks because your body has a chemical reaction when you actually are faced with that response. And we're training ourselves to really start going towards that fight response or that flight response. And it's amping us up every time and in our own bodies

Ashlie: (06:54)
For sure. And we're in our early thirties… closer to mid-thirties for one of us... But when we think back to just 10 years ago or even going back further to where we have a vivid understanding of how life looked 20 years ago, it was so different. Even in that short amount of time and going back even further hearing from our parents and you know people in our circle or even not when you're just conversing with people around you. People didn't have all of this stimulus that we do today. You drive down Main Street nearby where we live and there are constant lights. There are humans standing with signs, wiggling them to try to prompt you to go inside of shops. You know, the lights that we have…even to pump gas now. Everything's digitalized and of course we have social media. So even picking up our phone, it's not just to dial a phone number anymore.

Ashlie: (07:54)
It hasn't been that way for a long time and four years ago we took my dad to buy his first iPhone…he had a flip phone longer than anybody that I knew and we tried really hard to find him another flip phone because I thought it would be nearly impossible to try to gravitate him into something that was more than just a flip phone. That's all he needed to run his business. Everything he does is through word of mouth and referral and it wasn't useful for him. And when we got there, there was only one that was available, but it was, it was like some kind of walkie-talkie or something. It wasn't just a phone and it made things even more complex. And we finally got him to get an iPhone. Even doing that and seeing the constant struggle. Now, my dad would always have his flip phone just shoved into the shirt pocket and he has that thing in his hand nonstop now.

Ashlie: (08:55)
And the funny thing is that I don't even have his email or anything set up on it. He doesn't have any social media accounts. It's merely for the ability of internet access and being able to talk to Siri…which he does quite often. We also got him a couple of Echos and he talks to Alexa all the time too. But these are the things that have been implemented in our lives as evolution goes on and it just goes to show how difficult it is once you have that as a crutch to be able to just set it aside and I think that your cell phone is the biggest indicator when it comes to having that trigger of those hormones being released on a much more frequent basis than what would be deemed healthy. I think in the eyes of most health professionals, my biggest tip would really be to, of course, turn off the notifications on your phone if you don't already have them turned off.

Ashlie: (09:57)
The only thing that we have turned on on our cell phones is of course our text messages and we have surveillance cameras all around our property and we have that turned on just to make sure that there's nobody at our house when there shouldn't be. But apart from that, we've gotten in the habit of turning our phones upside down to where they're face down anytime that we shouldn't be looking at them. We typically have a two hour rule where we will stop using our phones altogether two hours before we go to bed. And that taps into some of Dr. Michael Breus’ tips and techniques on being able to regulate your circadian rhythm and being able to tap into some of the REM sleep and getting into a more healthy sleep cycle overall.

Ashlie: (10:46)
And we try to keep things relatively quiet in our space when we're not supposed to be stimulated. And if that means keeping the TV off and not having that white noise. I know a lot of people really rely on that to go to sleep. I know when Clint’s aunt stays at our house, whenever we travel, she has the television on all the time. And I understand that and I understand that because there was many, many years when Clint and I worked completely opposite schedules and I would have the TV on because I was scared. I was frightened to be in the home by myself and at the time, I lived right next door to my mom and dad. Like, there was essentially no reason for it. I lived in the home next door to the house that I grew up in and lived in until Clint and I got married when I was 20 years old. But by having that cognizant awareness and being able to decide that you want to take back some of your own physiological makeup and not allow any external forces to have that control over you, I think it's so important. As we continue forward, I only see it getting more and more difficult to be able to have that disconnect for yourself and to really just be able to identify when you're having those triggers. And if we stop and we're cognizant and we use intent to be able to identify when those triggers are happening, it's easier to identify them and then you'll see that they happen throughout the day. And as you listen to this, if that's the only takeaway that you get, is to be able to be aware of the fact that you can take control of that fight or flight response and essentially maybe add on some time to the years that you have here on this earth, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.

Balance. Optimize. Tactics. 

Hit that subscribe button so that you don’t miss a day of the added value that I am dedicated to sharing with you weekly. 

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Ashlie: (00:18) Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.

Clint: I'm your co-host Clint Walton.

Ashlie:

In today's episode, we're going to talk about the fight or flight response and why it's so difficult in today's modern world to break free from that and to be fully engaged with life. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content. Clint and recently went to Universal Studios Horror Nights. If you've never been there, I would highly recommend it. It's like the epitome of every haunted house that you've ever been to in your life or everyone that you've ever wanted to go to, to where you're paying money for people, people to deliberately scare you. And I'm making mention of this because we went with several friends and the reason that we like to go is not necessarily because we get scared, but it's because of that 'Oh crap' moment when someone spooks you and you didn't expect it. Clint: (01:19) And it's really funny when you see someone get spooked. It's hilarious to watch. Ashlie: (01:26) Yeah. And we set it up in a way that when you go through these different mazes, which essentially are like different haunted houses throughout the park…We went with one of Clint's partners and his girlfriend. There were times where we made him go in front of us deliberately so that we could watch him get scared before anybody else.

Clint: (01:48) And this friend of mine, he's like the man's man. He's very stern. Very kept together. It's hilarious to see him get scared.

Ashlie: (02:00) Yeah. Clint, I think you've talked about a lot of people who make comments about his resting bitch face. He works out a lot so he's this really buff guy that doesn't look like he would be fazed by anything. But I can attest to the fact that he definitely gets triggered when something comes his way that he wasn't expecting. And likewise for all of us. We all get into that space. But the cool thing with this is you're literally paying money so that you can either experience it yourself or in our case, watch people that you're with experience it right in front of you. By the end of the night, my jaw was hurting. I don't know if you've ever experienced that as you sit there to where you've just had a night where you can drive home and you're just smiling back at yourself just thinking about everything that transpired throughout the night.

Ashlie: (02:51) But that was really what the entire evening was like for all of us. There was many times where Clint and I also got spooked and startled and people were just laughing at us because we shouldn't have been scared in that moment. We weren't expecting it. And the reason I bring this up is because in a situation like that, it was deliberate. It was intentional. We knew what we were getting ourselves into. But throughout the motions of our normal day to day, there are many times where our fight or flight response is triggered and we might not even know it. And I've read an article from www.verywellmind.com and they talk about how what this essentially is is just an acute stress response and when this happens and you're in that moment of 'Oh crap this scares me' or something that you weren't expecting, there's a release of hormones that take place.

Ashlie: (03:48) And if you can think about that moment where you've experienced that yourself and you can think about the sort of flush that you feel, that's the hormones that are being released in such a quick amount that that's what's creating this inner instinct that's coming up in you. And it all relates back to this primitive nature of us being able to seek out pray, to hunt or seeking out a mate to procreate. And that's really what it boils down to. It's something far deeper and far more primitive than just going to an amusement park and being startled. And the problem that I see with that is when it comes to modern technology, we're constantly stimulated to some extent, dozens, if not hundreds of thousands of times throughout the day and throughout our week. And this could be something as simple as having notifications turned on on your phone. I know for me, that ping that you hear when you get a text message, there's something that's triggered.

Ashlie: (04:51) I can feel those hormones being released inside of me and then even if we try to portray it as like, Oh, we'll just pass it up and check it later. It's not that important in the back of our mind. It still exists there and we feel like we have to tend to it and it's just the same as going on a hunt and turning around the corner to see what's on the other side of a tree and it's really hard to turn that off and without the full intention of it. We don't realize what it's doing to us on a subconscious level and also on a physical level when we're constantly disturbed that way. And it's a lot different than just being in a silent, dark, quiet room, which is nearly impossible in today's day and age. There's little led lights on everything nowadays, whether it's you know, the television or even having alerts that are on silent that are creating light inside of your bedroom when you're sleeping. It constantly puts us on alert and on edge. And I think it's important to point out how important it is to really tune that out as best as you can.

Clint: (06:01) And something I've discovered recently and Dave Asprey said this in one of his blog posts talking about the fight or flight response and how it actually negatively affects your body in the aspect of on a daily basis. We're experiencing this fight or flight response throughout our body. And that's led to the ongoing issues of heart disease as well as heart attacks because your body has a chemical reaction when you actually are faced with that response. And we're training ourselves to really start going towards that fight response or that flight response. And it's amping us up every time and in our own bodies Ashlie: (06:54) For sure. And we're in our early thirties… closer to mid-thirties for one of us... But when we think back to just 10 years ago or even going back further to where we have a vivid understanding of how life looked 20 years ago, it was so different. Even in that short amount of time and going back even further hearing from our parents and you know people in our circle or even not when you're just conversing with people around you. People didn't have all of this stimulus that we do today. You drive down Main Street nearby where we live and there are constant lights. There are humans standing with signs, wiggling them to try to prompt you to go inside of shops. You know, the lights that we have…even to pump gas now. Everything's digitalized and of course we have social media. So even picking up our phone, it's not just to dial a phone number anymore.

Ashlie: (07:54) It hasn't been that way for a long time and four years ago we took my dad to buy his first iPhone…he had a flip phone longer than anybody that I knew and we tried really hard to find him another flip phone because I thought it would be nearly impossible to try to gravitate him into something that was more than just a flip phone. That's all he needed to run his business. Everything he does is through word of mouth and referral and it wasn't useful for him. And when we got there, there was only one that was available, but it was, it was like some kind of walkie-talkie or something. It wasn't just a phone and it made things even more complex. And we finally got him to get an iPhone. Even doing that and seeing the constant struggle. Now, my dad would always have his flip phone just shoved into the shirt pocket and he has that thing in his hand nonstop now. Ashlie: (08:55) And the funny thing is that I don't even have his email or anything set up on it. He doesn't have any social media accounts. It's merely for the ability of internet access and being able to talk to Siri…which he does quite often. We also got him a couple of Echos and he talks to Alexa all the time too. But these are the things that have been implemented in our lives as evolution goes on and it just goes to show how difficult it is once you have that as a crutch to be able to just set it aside and I think that your cell phone is the biggest indicator when it comes to having that trigger of those hormones being released on a much more frequent basis than what would be deemed healthy. I think in the eyes of most health professionals, my biggest tip would really be to, of course, turn off the notifications on your phone if you don't already have them turned off.

Ashlie: (09:57) The only thing that we have turned on on our cell phones is of course our text messages and we have surveillance cameras all around our property and we have that turned on just to make sure that there's nobody at our house when there shouldn't be. But apart from that, we've gotten in the habit of turning our phones upside down to where they're face down anytime that we shouldn't be looking at them. We typically have a two hour rule where we will stop using our phones altogether two hours before we go to bed. And that taps into some of Dr. Michael Breus' tips and techniques on being able to regulate your circadian rhythm and being able to tap into some of the REM sleep and getting into a more healthy sleep cycle overall. Ashlie: (10:46) And we try to keep things relatively quiet in our space when we're not supposed to be stimulated. And if that means keeping the TV off and not having that white noise. I know a lot of people really rely on that to go to sleep. I know when Clint's aunt stays at our house, whenever we travel, she has the television on all the time. And I understand that and I understand that because there was many, many years when Clint and I worked completely opposite schedules and I would have the TV on because I was scared. I was frightened to be in the home by myself and at the time, I lived right next door to my mom and dad. Like, there was essentially no reason for it. I lived in the home next door to the house that I grew up in and lived in until Clint and I got married when I was 20 years old. But by having that cognizant awareness and being able to decide that you want to take back some of your own physiological makeup and not allow any external forces to have that control over you, I think it's so important. As we continue forward, I only see it getting more and more difficult to be able to have that disconnect for yourself and to really just be able to identify when you're having those triggers. And if we stop and we're cognizant and we use intent to be able to identify when those triggers are happening, it's easier to identify them and then you'll see that they happen throughout the day. And as you listen to this, if that's the only takeaway that you get, is to be able to be aware of the fact that you can take control of that fight or flight response and essentially maybe add on some time to the years that you have here on this earth, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.

Balance. Optimize. Tactics.

Hit that subscribe button so that you don't miss a day of the added value that I am dedicated to sharing with you weekly.

Let's Connect!

Facebook

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Email: [email protected]

LinkedIn

Website: www.leowarriors.com

Free Training: www.leowarrior.com

Ashlie: (00:18)

Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host Ashlie Walton, and today I am joined by a very special guest named Melissa Watson. Melissa, how are you?

Melissa:

I'm doing well, thank you. How are you doing?

Ashlie:

I'm good. Thank you for asking. Thank you for joining me today. You're taking the seat of Clint who is currently outside throwing around my nephew in the pool. I appreciate you coming on, Melissa, and the reason that I invited you onto our show was because you have such a rich history as it pertains to your family experience and relationships with law enforcement.

You also hold a story of what I believe to be an incredible hero who was lost and Iraqi Freedom. You are probably one of the only people that I know personally that has lost 145 pounds. I just blows my mind and you've even survived what I believe is an incredibly physically abusive relationship in your past and getting even deeper than that. You shared with me that there's a layer to your story, which involves you being married to a man adopting two children and then later finding out that that wasn't his path and having to let go of those kids.

Melissa:

Yes, that is all correct.

Ashlie: (01:38)

That's a lot, and it's even heavy for me even saying that and recounting that, and it's not my story. The whole purpose for the listener is for us to just be able to give a space to really show the transformation of how much strength a woman can have and how going through the journey of some of the most difficult elements of life could really transpire into something beautiful.

Which I believe is what led you to meet Kevin, who you're with right now. And we'll get to that in a second. Melissa, I just wonder if you could just take us back. I know you're 38 years old, can we go back to that space where you're 21 and you're just getting into a relationship with somebody who you would have never imagined, would have turned out the way that you would thought?

Melissa:

Um, okay, so it's 21. I met Miguel and we had a pretty good relationship and then he just started turning violent.

Melissa: (02:46)

I mean, the first time he was, he was violent with me was, when he told me he didn't ask me, he just literally ordered me to give him his glass of water, which was right next to him. And I was on the other side and I said, it's right next to you. Why don't you get it? And he turned around and he just slapped me and he said, if I tell you to do something, you do it. The breaking point was one night he was sitting on his doorstep. I was with him, I had my best friend with me and he was, for lack of better words, cleaning his weed. I just flat out told him, if you cared about me half as much as you cared about your weed, we'd have a better relationship.

He put everything down, he got up and He told me to stand up and I thought he was going to hug me and he punched me in the face. He knocked me down, he started kicking me and I thought I was going to die. I was in so much pain and I heard the, the unmistakable sound of a gun, you know the clicking, it was being cocked and I thought, this is it. I'm going to die. And it was my best friend. And he told, him that if you touch her one more time and I'll blow your head off.

Miguel said, go ahead and do it. I don't fucking care. My best friend said, you know what? She's more important than you. He picked me up, put me in his car, and he took me to the hospital. Surprisingly, regardless of what I told everybody in the Er, they were like, did you fall? Did you do this? And I said, no, my boyfriend did this to me.

I ended up having a concussion. I had two broken ribs. One of them was slightly fractured and law enforcement surprisingly didn't do anything. After that I did not see Miguel again. I stayed away from him and I just, I tried to live my life as much as I could.

On the dreadful day of September 11th, he showed up at my house and he basically just put me against the wall and he tried to choke me and I had one of my friends on the phone and I said, you need to get here, get here now. I had called 911, and they said, because of what's going on right now, we can't send anybody over there. So my friends showed up, he took off and I went to stay with my friends. He didn't know where they live so he couldn’t find me. But from what my parents say, he kept going to the house looking for me.

Melissa: (06:08)

After that, I just did my best to stay away from him. He finally forgot about me. His family did too, so I was okay. I was good, he did kind of stick with me a little bit. If I went out on a date, he knew about it, but after a while he just, he let me go and I found out a few years ago, he is now a registered sex offender. He tried to forcibly rape somebody and was abusive so they filed battery charges on him and rape charges and now he is his sex offender and I couldn't be happier about that because he has reported every year. And that means hopefully everybody else is safe from him now.

Ashlie: (07:14)

Melissa, I can tell the emotion as you're recounting this story and I couldn't agree with you more in knowing that at least when we have this title on somebody, as disgusting as it sounds like Miguel was. At least when they're in the system, they're traceable, they're trackable, he has to check in. There's something consistent about his whereabouts at all times. There's limitations on those things. I wonder if you could just share with the listener how it felt when you found out that he was registered in this system and at least there was some sort of container surrounding him in what he could potentially do to you or somebody else.

Melissa: (08:06)

I was relieved because he can be traced. You can be watched, but at the same time, some what I know about him and what I've learned as far as, you know, studying criminal justice, it can still happen and victims are likely to stay silent because they're just afraid. They're afraid he's going to come back. Me being a victim of him, I was very open about it, but nobody did anything and that really, really hurt. But knowing that he is registered now and he has to check in, it doesn't mean he can't hurt anybody, but hopefully it has just calmed him in a sense and he's not going to do it. But I do, I do hope that he doesn't because nobody needs to go through that. Nobody.

Ashlie: (09:23)

Yeah, absolutely. Melissa, what are some recommendations that you would have for anybody else? Being a man, a man, or a woman in a potentially physically abusive relationship who maybe feel like they are alone and don't have that courage to, voice what's really happening.

Melissa: (09:45)

The best thing I can say is find your strength and get out and know it's hard. I put up with it for over a year. There are so many resources out there. You are saved as soon as you reach out, you are saved. Law enforcement will help, hopefully you have people as a support circle that will help you just like I did.

Melissa: (10:16)

But the best thing to do is just get out because your life is infinitely more valuable than a relationship with somebody who is willing to hurt you.

Ashlie: (10:28)

That speaks right to the center of my chest because I think that a lot of people are still living in these homes and in these relationships. So silently because of that fear. And I think that message of just knowing that they're worth it and more important and to just get out is the best advice that somebody who has experienced this before will give. So I thank you for sharing that.

Melissa: (10:52)

No, definitely. I mean it was, it was hard for me, but knowing that I had my friends, I could definitely get out of it and it took a while, but at some point you realize your life is, worth it. The relationship is not, you know, if you have kids, if you're just dating, it's, it's not worth it to go through the pain. You can save your kids, you can save yourself. I mean, if I could, I'd reach out to everybody that's in that relationship and let them talk to me, let me help them. But I know there's so many relationships that are abusive, whether it's a husband, a boyfriend, a wife, a girlfriend, it's difficult to reach out.

Ashlie: (11:45)

Yeah, for sure. So at that time, when, when you were healing or, or at least starting to walk away from history with Miguel and growing away from that and building your independence as a young woman in your young twenties take us to that point where you came across private first-class Sean Tharp, what was that like? What was that interaction like? When that friendship first happened.

Melissa: (12:11)

That was back when AOL was a big thing.

Ashlie: (12:17)

Right. For you as you listen is if you do not know what AOL is, that makes both Melissa and I undoubtedly feel way older than we are, but all in all it was an instant messaging service. Very comparable to what those young kids today would compare to Facebook messenger.

Melissa: (12:35)

Yes. And he chimed in on somebody just being stupid on the Messenger. And I said, why don't you, you know, private message me? And he said, okay. And we just kind of started our friendship and I will never forget his handle for all. It's Merv engineer, M E R V engineer. I asked him about that and he was telling me about all this military stuff. He was, he was really into military.

His mom and dad were a retired military and man we just, we clicked, we became friends and there was so many times where we would spend hours on the phone, you know, just talking and laughing or he would share any kind of grief he was having. I would share it with him, what I was going through. We just knew that we were soulmates. He was undoubtedly the best friend I could ever have.

Melissa: (13:47)

He told me he wanted to enlist in the army and I told him, I said, considering what you've gone through, what you've done to yourself, I don't know if they'll take you, but I, you know, if that's what you want to do, then you know, I support you and then he called me one day. He said he spoke to a recruiting officer and he enlisted in the army and I felt just so down deep inside my soul that I was going to lose him.

I told him, I said, if that's what you want to do, then I support you but, you need to come back home. And he went through his training. He, he did AIT, he wrote to me from basic training through AIT. I have his last letter he sent me. Then he told me when he was being deployed and he deployed in February of 2006 and he would call me and his mom every other day.

Melissa: (15:02)

He would spend about 15 minutes on the phone with me and 45 minutes with his mom. The last time I talked to him, he spent 30 minutes on the phone with me and I said, you need to call your mom. And he said, no, I want to spend some time talking to you. He told me a few days before that he almost got blown up and I said, I don't want to hear that, please. And he said, it's just, it's crazy out here.

What's going on and at the end of our phone call, I told him, I hope you know me and your mom are very proud of you and I want you to know that I love you. And he said, I love you too, Melissa. And I said, you just be safe. Please come back home. And he basically said the same thing to his mom. A few days later he was shot by an insurgent and somebody from his unit told me, “I’m sorry,” and a fellow soldier told me that he held Sean while he was lying there and he told this soldier, please tell my mom I love her and I'm sorry. And tell Melissa I'm coming home, but not alive. And they had just sent out,

Melissa: (16:58)

I just sent a care package to him and a couple of weeks after he was shot, it came back to me. I still have the letter I put in there and it just, it killed me. I reached out to his mom and she said that all he ever did was talk about me and how much I meant to him. And his mom's pretty much become like another mother to me and we just, we have this bond. It was because of Sean. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. He, was this huge light in my life. And one of the favorite things that I remember about him, I told him I had, you know, a couple of guys that were, you know, kind of hitting on me and flirting with me. And he told me, I don't get why they want you.

Melissa: (18:10)

You're not like a supermodel or anything. And I hung up on him and he called me back and I said, what do you want? And he just started talking about like the Russian military, the German military, and that was his way of apologizing and that's something, you know, I will take with me forever because that’s his way of apologizing. It just, it makes me laugh now. But then I was really mad at him and every year, memorial day and his birthday, I have a milkshake for him. His favorite was strawberry, but I can't do strawberries. So I do chocolate and I call his mom and we just, we just share our times, our times with Sean. He was, he was such an amazing, amazing man and we had this really deep connection.

Melissa: (19:14)

One of the last things he told me was I will always be with you and I will always protect you. And after he was shot, I remember being in my room at my parents' house and I was crying and it looked like he was standing right there. He was just leaning against the wall. And I know he is with me there so many times. I just talked to him like I'm, for lack of better words, like I talked to the stars and I know he's there and it never fails. Whether it's summer, spring, fall, winter, there's always this green humming bird... I mean, this bird has been showing up since I lost him.

Melissa: (20:23)

I know it's him. I miss him so much. One of the things, sadness about him was just him being stoic, just so proud of what he was, but being very open with me about his depression. He was going through so much and important to me to always be there for him. And in turn, he's always there for me, even though he's not, he's not here physically, but I know he's here. He's with me. So many times I've just reached out to him and telling him, please help me. And somehow I find the strength, I find happiness. I find just a comfort with whatever's going on.

Melissa: (21:37)

I just, I don’t know, I will always love him. Yeah. And I know he will always love his mom. He will always love me. No, he was, he is. He is my hero and he is my soul mate. He's my best friend and I am so grateful that just by chance we met. you use so man some so strong just to get through what he went through fighting these demons and confided in me about his demons. Just being able to do what he did to enlist in the army, do what he wanted to do. He told me he was, you know, the fastest in the mile in his unit in basic training and he wanted to go to training for a paratrooper, but he got deployed and he was so close to home. He was, in Fort Hood and I wanted to see him. I wanted to go there and just, you know, see him one last time because I knew he wasn't going to come home and it's just, I don't know. He's my, he will always be my soul mate. There's no doubt about it and I will always love him.

Ashlie: (23:27)

Melissa, as you share this, the amount of strength that it's taking me to hold back my emotion does not even compare it to the amount of strength that it took for you to share everything that you just shared with us.

Ashlie: (23:45)

I thank you for that. As you listen, if we could just pause for a moment, pause for a moment to realize all of the gifts that we are given on a daily basis based on the sacrifice, the sacrifice of heroes like private first class, Sean Tharpe, the sacrifice of friends, of mothers, of fathers and siblings. Melissa, I am so grateful and proud of you for sharing that story, but I am so honored to be able to showcase a story like Sean's and I hope that you can share a message with his mom, his family, and just let them know how proud we are to live in a country that we do. To know that there are people that are just like Sean that are Sean, that have lost their lives, defending our freedom,

Melissa: (24:53)

His mom, knows we talk often and she always tells me, thank you for keeping this memory of life, but I wouldn't do it any other way. I was asked once, if you could go back and do it all over would you have any friends that you have enlisted? In a heartbeat. We weren't meant to know each other and there were so many times we both, we literally saved each other's lives and his mom, like I said, she's another mother to me. She was at my wedding. We had a little table set aside just for Sean. It was the fallen soldiers table and there's photos of us just standing there hugging each other crying because we miss him so much. He's such a huge part of my life, even though it was just a moment in the grand scheme of things because he's such a huge part of my life. She knows that he brought me and his mom together and we, we do rely on each other. Sometimes it gets hard and we just reach out and we're there. We're there for each other.

Ashlie: (26:41)

It's a beautiful misery to see what a special relationship came from something so tragic. And again, private first class, Sean Tharpe died in Iraqi Freedom on March 28th, 2006 and we are forever in his debt for his service and his loss of life. Well Melissa I know how heavy this is and if, if you want to stop here, I'm fine with that too. But if not, and if you want to continue forward a little bit past everything that had transpired in 2006 and your move to Sacramento and what had taken place when you started to uncover those emotions and try to move on after the death of Sean


Melissa: (27:43)

I'm totally okay with moving forward. After I was notified about Sean's death, my really close friend who was like a sister to me, I called her and I told her. She came up to my house, I was absolutely in no state to drive. And she picked me up and she just let me cry. I don't think, I don't think I will ever heal because that's just, that's a wound that somebody can't heal from. You know, you're, losing your best friend. His mother lost her oldest son, her only child. It's a wound you don't heal from, but you just, you just kind of put a band aid over it that you carry it you’re your life. A few months after his passing, I got engaged to a truck driver, which was not a smart move on my part, but I think I was just trying to get over the loss. This person, this man, I don't even want to call him a man because he's not, he apparently had a bunch of girlfriends along his route, you know, throughout Texas, Alabama and California. And he was engaged to I think seven other women.

Melissa: (29:43)

He drained my bank account. He left me with $24 and 17 cents. I never heard from him again after that. I was done. I was done with where I lived. I was done with dealing with people who were toxic. I contacted my then friend and I said, I need to move. And she told me to move to Sacramento, you can live with me

Melissa: (30:21)

She said to just pay me 300 a month for rent. I said, okay, I'll do it. Just give me a month to tie up loose ends here. Much later. It was the end of September.

Melissa: (30:39)

I packed up my car, put my cat in the car and I made my journey to Sacramento and I started my new life.

Melissa: (30:58)

Shortly after that I met my ex-husband. At the time he, he courted me. He just swept me off my feet. In 2009 I moved in with him. Our relationship just took off from there and he proposed to me in front of my grandparents. He asked my grandfather for his permission. He wanted my grandfather if it was ok for him to propose me. When he proposed to me, I was just beside myself. I was crying and I said yes. And my grandparents were so happy. Probably about a year, year and a half later is when we got married.

Melissa: (32:11)

Looking back at the wedding, I honestly regret it. I don't have many regrets in my life that I regret marrying him. We found out about six to eight months after the wedding that I wasn't able to conceive children. So we started the adoption process and he would go back and forth. He was like, I don't want to do it. Let's do it. I don't want to do it. The third time he said, okay, let's, let's go through with everything. I told him flat out, if you change your mind again, I'm leaving. You can't keep playing with my heart. You can't keep, you know, being a puppet master. I'm not going to put up with it. He told me no, he was sure he wanted to have a kid. He wanted to be a dad and it took about a year. We went through the whole adoption process. They do background checks, they do inspections of the home, they do interviews, they ask like really deep personal questions.

Melissa: (33:42)

It was in November, we got called, they told us they had a brother and sister or another child and they wanted us to choose the other child. It's that that kid's family was kind of vying for custody of him. We went through the history of the two kids that we ended up deciding on and it took a couple of weeks and we just, you know, we debated, do we want these kids who comes from an abusive home? I mean she was five years old taking care of an infant in. We just stated. Yes. That's,  usually the kids we went and we were told, you need to get down here or I'm sorry, you need to get up here to where they're at and you're going to take them home. And it was just like such a quick, just, I don't know is, it was almost weird, but we had to drive up to northern California, to pretty much the state line between Oregon and California.

Speaker 5: (35:17)
We met these two beautiful kids. They were staying with their aunt and she told us, you know, he's nonverbal, he's violent, he does this, you can't take them out into public. And I refused to believe that, you know, we met these beautiful kids and they look just like us and we took them out to go eat. We spent time with them. We took them to the beach and they were just, they were perfect, perfect angels. And we brought them home and they got to meet my mother. They've got to meet my ex husband's stepmother.

Melissa: (36:13)

Within a month we had the little boy talking. He was, you know, just extremely verbal. And he would tell us everything from what he wanted to eat, to what he wanted to watch. We were told that he would not be potty trained until he was six, if that, if we were lucky within a few months he was potty trained. We had to take we had to take him in to be tested as far as his mentality goes. And they scored him in the 98th percentile that he was extremely smart and his sister would help me with him. She would teach him the alphabet, how to read numbers, and both of them were extremely smart and I just, I love to be with them. They both had their emotional issues from what they had been through, but they were my kids there, my son and daughter. And when it came time to officially adopt them, I asked her, what do you want your name to be?

Melissa: (37:46)

She had been watching Grey's anatomy with me and she said, that lady is so pretty. I like her name. And she was talking about Addison and I said, well that can be her middle name, baby girl. And she said, I like that. So we, you know, we had filled out the paperwork, we were weeks away, two or three weeks from going to court to make it a hundred percent official. And I came home from the gym, it was the day before my birthday and my ex-husband said I needed to talk to you. And I thought the kids had done something because whenever they were alone with him, they apparently always acted up, never listened. And I said, what happened? And he told them to go to their rooms and watch TV and close their doors. And I thought, oh my gosh, they had to have done something really bad. And he looked me dead in the eyes and he said, I can't do this. I don't want to be a father. I never have and I never will. You need to contact the adoption agency and get rid of the kids. And it just shattered me.

Melissa: (39:29)

I hated him after that.

Melissa: (39:34)

I was berated and accused and yelled at by the adoption agency when we had our meeting with them after he said that it really hurt. They do not find fault in him, but they questioned me. They said, if your marriage was so bad, if he didn't want this, why did you do this? And they just, they, they accused me and I told them I love these kids. If I could, I would keep them. I would walk away from him if I could support them, but I couldn't because he would not let me work. And they asked if divorce was an option and before I could say anything, he said, no it's not. And I looked at our case worker and her boss and I said, it's on the table and they asked if I would be able to support the kids and I said, I can't, not alone.

Melissa: (40:53)

Eight days later, okay. They were there to pick up the kids and they moved them to Redding with another foster family who ended up adopting them the night before they picked them up, they were over to explain to them what was happening. My little girl, she came into the den and she said, Mommy, can I ask you guys a question? And my ex got up and left the room and I said, of course you can ask me anything. And she said, why don't you love us? And I fell apart and I hugged her and I said, I do. I do love you guys.

Melissa: (41:49)

For her being so young to look me in the eyes and tell me, why don't you divorce him and keep us, that just, that broke my heart. You know, she was crying, I was crying, her brother was crying and I hugged them and I said, I love you guys and if I could, I would keep you guys. I will always be your mommy. I will always be there for you. And I'm sorry this is happening. Then both of them looked at me and they said, we hate him and all I could do is hug them and I love those kids and I miss them, but I know they're in a better place. They're with a family that's going to take care of them. I know they’re happier because the fact that my ex was jealous of the attention I gave them there's no way they would've had a happy home with us and for him to tell me that he didn't like that I was paying more attention to them than him and for him to tell me a month later if they had been our children, if you had given birth to them, it would have been different.

Melissa: (43:36)

That's what I knew I was officially in. Totally done.

Melissa: (43:42)

I was done with him. I could not be married to a man who was that narcissistic that he would get jealous over a mother's love for her children and things went downhill really quickly. From there. He got even more so emotionally abusive. He would get basically to the point where he was about to be physically abusive, but because of what his job is, he wouldn't do that. He would back me into corners and yell at me. He would slam his fist on the counters. He would, he would just basically tell me I was worth nothing. And if it wasn't for my small circle of friends, I probably wouldn't be here today.

Ashlie: (44:59)

Wow Melissa. And going through what had happened and you moving to Sacramento and thinking that everything that had happened after Sean passed away and you meeting your ex husband and him sweeping you off your feet the way that he did. And then getting the opportunity to meet these two angels, the son and daughter, and having them in your home and raising them as your own for a year. And then the devastation of what transpired with your ex husband.

Ashlie: (45:34)

How did you pull yourself about that after the divorce?

Melissa: (45:42)

My friends helped a lot. My best friend Austin, my best friend that was here, um, my sister, I call her my sister Cathy. She was a huge role in making sure that I was okay. Her husband, her, her kids, my friend Becky and her husband, everybody just kind of rallied around me. My ex husband had called a bunch of people and told them it was my fault and I did lose a few friends, but they were also his friends and it just, it opened my eyes to who was really, really my friend and I had met, I had met Kevin and I think one of the pivotal points in me deciding to walk away from my ex was I have to fly to Texas because my, my grandmother had passed away and the entire time I was there,

Melissa: (47:15)

my ex would call me and just complain about the kids and you need to talk to them to tell them to listen to me. You need to do this. They're not listening. They're screaming and they're doing this. But Kevin checked on me. He asked how I was holding up. My ex never asked. He just called to complain. Kevin checked on me, my friends checked on me. They asked how I was holding up, how I was doing, if there was anything they could do, what my ex never did. All he did was complain in that. That was when I knew, you know, I had been thinking of it before, but that's what I knew I needed to divorce him and that that's what made my decision was he didn't care that I was hurting, that I had lost somebody so dear to me and all he could do was just complain.

Ashlie: (48:29)

So Melissa, let's fast forward a little bit. We were in 2014 to 15 you lost 145 pounds. Just from seeing your feed on your Instagram, seeing the pictures and the transformation, I can see the level of confidence and self ownership that had taken place during that time.

Ashlie: (48:50)

Talk to me a little bit more about how the relationship between you and Kevin, who you are still with today transpired since 2015.

Melissa: (49:04)

Kevin was his a rock for me. He um,

Melissa: (49:12)

yeah, him and a couple other people would cheer me up by telling me I could do this.

Melissa: (49:22)

I met him shortly after I had lost a hundred pounds and he was, he was blown away that I had done that in seven months. And then along the way I lost another 45 pounds and that just that totally change my mentality because it wasn't,

Melissa: (49:47)

I was almost 300 pounds. I was this woman who was just trapped in the shell and just assuming everything that came her way was because of her. I flourished. I had so much confidence and I decided I was going to become a trainer and my friend who's a retired marine, he was cheering me on. He said, you can do this, you're going to be an awesome trainer because you can definitely relate to people who want to lose weight. And Kevin was the same way. My friend Dee at the time, she  was cheering me on everybody, but my ex was supportive and I became a trainer. I was certified and that just made me so happy that I was able to help so many other people change their lives and lose the weight that they wanted to and just become happier with ourselves. And that was just so rewarding to me because people saw me, they knew what I had done and they realize that they're capable of doing it too and me helping them along. Just that, that's what made me happy, was being able to help other people and through thick and thin three people were always by my side.

Melissa: (51:49)

My friend who's the retired marine, my best friend, Adrian and Kevin, they were always by my side and they encouraged me so much and the three of them even asked me for advice on how they could lose weight gain muscle and I was wanting to happy to help them and I'm glad that the three of them are still a huge part of my life.

Ashlie: (52:21)

Oh, Melissa, I know as you listen, this has been quite a heavy show, quite heavier than most of our episodes, but I am so honored and proud and privileged to know you and to see the journey that you have come through really in such a short amount of time. And I just wonder, Melissa is as you sit there for the listener, if anybody is dealing with something like domestic violence or the loss of a loved one or having to cope with, with even the loss of a child or whether or not to adopt, there are so many elements to your story that are relatable. If you can leave the listener with one solid piece of advice, what would you give them?

Melissa: (53:08)

It gets better. You will make it through

Melissa: (53:13)
and if somebody needs to reach out, I am always there. They can definitely find me on, on Instagram

Melissa: (53:25)

I know there's a lot of people that are afraid, whether it's domestic violence, whether it's those in somebody's, whether they should adopt, shouldn't coming to terms with not being able to have kids. Yes. If they need to, they can always find me on Instagram and I will gladly be there for anybody.

Melissa: (53:53)

A veteran just recently reached out to me on Instagram and he had told me that there's so many times he wanted to take his life and then just talking to him, he's told me that he feels like there's something worth living for now.

Melissa: (54:11)

But for anybody out there that's going through anything, whether it's sorrow, whether it's pain, it will get better. It will. I'm living proof that it will get better.

Ashlie:

Such an inspiration. Melissa, I just, I don't want to forget this, but if you could share with the listener what your Instagram handle is

Ashlie: (54:38)

It is @the_Camaro_wolf. Perfect. And I'll go ahead and I'll put that in the show notes too as you listen to, if you're interested in reaching out to Melissa with any questions, even sharing how her story might've inspired you or touched you, always reach out and just drop that comments. It means so much Melissa to us, for you to be able to come on this show and share this space with us and most importantly to share the story of your friend Sean Tharpe. We thank you for sharing that with us. We thank him and his, his family for his service and the sacrifice that they ultimately made in order for us to preserve our freedom. It's something that we are indebted for forever. And I think as you listen, if there's one piece of advice to take away from this is to know that as we live our day to day and we're privileged to drink a cup of coffee every morning go to work.

Enjoying time with the family and, and friends that we hold dearest. Even listening to shows like this popping on Instagram or Facebook, it's all because we have such heroes fighting for us and ultimately giving their lives to be able to have that freedom. And I think when you understand that and you live by that, and you're able to acknowledge that on a day to day basis, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living. 

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