Tales from the Drum

This week I get a bit personal to start the show, because sometimes you have to do that if you want to display real empathy and compassion.

In Ankh-Morpork, a visit to the Guild of Ecdysiasts, Nauchers, Cancanieres, and Exponents of Exotic* Dance leads some discussion of footnotes, H.L. Menken, and a rather surprising realization** about Sir Terry’s use of footnotes in early books. In addition, the results of Holly’s research into the etymology of the word canon are presented. 

This is all followed by some housekeeping, without, alas, the assistance of Mrs. Whitlow. ***

This week’s contest quote: “The origin of the Nac Mac Feegle is lost in the famous Mists of Time. They say they were thrown out of Fairyland by the Queen of the Fairies because they objected to her spiteful and tyrannical rule. Others say they were just thrown out for being drunk.” 

No choice of books this week. You’re on your own. 

E-mail your answer (or guess) as to the book from which that quote came to me at [email protected]. Also, if you email me by Friday February 7th, I will email you an MP3 of an exclusive bonus episode.  

The Discord server link is https://discord.gg/K9s6BSW. 

Portal’s Patreon page https://www.patreon.com/user?u=21210045 

As always you can reach me at [email protected], where you are also invited to send one-time PayPal payments. 

You can find the Portal blog, Gnomic Musings, at https://mindkindle.net/gnomic-musings-the-discworld-portal-blog/.

No animals or ecdysiasts were harmed in the production of this show. Remember only you can perform Random Acts of Kindness. As always, this episode is dedicated to the memory of Sir Terry Pratchett, OBE. Chelonian mobile. 

*That is exotic, not erotic. 

** Which realization is that there is only one in Color of Magic and Light Fantastic combined @, although in fairness it is one of the longest of them in all the canon. Collection. Catalogue.

*** She informed us she was “indisposed.” Indisposed, doubtless, to consent to housekeeping with a strange man.

@ Holly concedes she may have missed one. She had to check in short order, since the issue only came up right before airtime. 

We begin this week with a consideration of some of the social clubs of Ankh-Morpork, and proceed through a memo about dragon infestations on the Grand Trunk’s towers in Hergen, to an appreciation of the economies of areas outside the confines of Ankh-Morpork, with special attention to both Uberwald’s unusual exports, and to the Sto Plains and the most famous product of that region. There’s a reason it’s referred to as the “Cabbage Bowl of the Disc.”

This week’s contest quote: “To look at Fred Colon you’d see a man who might well, if he fell over a cliff, have to stop and ask for directions on the way down.” 

Is that quote from Thud, Jingo, or Night Watch? E-mail your answer (or guess) to me at [email protected]. The listener with the most correct answers on the season will win the Paul Kidby line drawing depicting the Disc from above. Remember, just for sending me an email, your name will be entered in the pool for the drawing of the second of the three Paul Kidby drawings being gnomishly colored as prizes for season 4: to wit, The Librarian in the moments just after his magical transformation. 

If you join the Portal’s Discord server by the end of season 4, you will automatically be eligible for a chance to win the third colored Kidby, which depicts The Fresh Start Club marching in Ankh-Morpork. Reg Shoe is leading his cohorts, carrying a sign that reads “Undead, yes. Unperson, no.” Reg is carrying the sign. Not his cohorts. That is, his cohorts aren’t carrying it. But Reg isn’t carrying his cohorts, either. 

The Discord server link is https://discord.gg/K9s6BSW. 

Also, remember to come take a look at the Portal’s Patreon page, at https://www.patreon.com/user?u=21210045where there is some nifty free content, and where you can also become a supporter of the show. The Portal continues to exist because of your generosity. 

As always you can reach me at [email protected], and remember you can find the Portal blog, Gnomic Musings, at https://mindkindle.net/gnomic-musings-the-discworld-portal-blog/.

As usual, no animals, Ankh-Morpork merchants, dragons, or even students were harmed in the production of this show. Remember only you can perform Random Acts of Kindness. As always, this episode is dedicated to the memory of Sir Terry Pratchett, OBE. Chelonian mobile. 

After a dip into the Medicine Makers and Purveyors section of Directory of Ankh-Morpork Merchants, Traders and Services, we give a nod to the city's three greatest culinary figures. Then we consider Harry King, and his transformation from King of the Golden River to the Disc’s first Railway Baron. Finally, we consider the speed with which Ankh-Morpork develops in the brief time between The Color of Magic and Raising Steam, and realize that really just doesn’t matter. All this, and another sausage inna bun. 

The Discord server link is https://discord.gg/K9s6BSW. 

Please come take a look at the Portal’s Patreon page, at https://www.patreon.com/user?u=21210045 where there is some nifty free content, and where you can also become a supporter of the show. The Portal continues to exist because of your generosity. 

As always you can reach me at [email protected], and remember you can find the Portal blog, Gnomic Musings, at https://mindkindle.net/gnomic-musings-the-discworld-portal-blog/.

This week’s contest quote: “Clear my appointments this morning, will you? I will see the Guild of Town Criers at nine o’clock and the Guild of Engravers at ten past.”

“I wasn’t aware they had appointments, sir.”

“They will have,” said Lord Vetinari.  

Is that quote from Monstrous Regiment, The Truth, or The Fifth Elephant? E-mail your answer (or guess) to me at the above email address. 

As usual, no animals, Ankh-Morpork merchants, goblins, or even grags were harmed in the production of this show. Remember only you can perform Random Acts of Kindness. As always, this episode is dedicated to the memory of Sir Terry Pratchett, OBE. Chelonian mobile. 

As we begin to consider the economies of the Discworld, we would do well to remember Ankh-Morpork’s National Anthem: “We can rule you wholesale…” 

We take a first look at the influence each of these men has had on Ankh-Morpork’s economic development, as well as taking a peek at Ankh-Morpork businesses overall (35 pages in the complete Ankh-Morpork, and 149 entries under “Ankh Morpork businesses” in the l-space wiki. More to come, certes, on all of this.

The correct Discord server link is https://discord.gg/K9s6BSW. Thanks to Sebastian for helping me get that working properly (fingers crossed.)

There’s some new free content on the Patreon page, https://www.patreon.com/user?u=21210045

As always you can reach me at [email protected], and remember you can find the Portal blog, Gnomic Musings, at https://mindkindle.net/gnomic-musings-the-discworld-portal-blog/.

This week’s contest quote: “Mr. Dibbler can even sell sausages to people who have bought them off him before… And a man who could sell Dibbler’s sausages twice could sell anything.” 

Is that quote from The Truth, Night Watch, or Moving Pictures? E-mail your answer (or guess) to me at the above email address. 

No animals were harmed, etc. Random Acts of Kindness Now! (Reg Shoe’s latest battle cry, maybe?) As always, dedicated to the memory of Sir Terry Pratchett, OBE. Chelonian mobile. 

This week we consider the Agatean Empire and Borogravia as examples of dysfunctional societies—at least dysfunctional if you’re an Agatean peasant or a Borogravian citizen who tries to abide by, much less keep up with, the abominations Nuggan proclaims. 

This week I also announce our new, improved and expanded season 4 contest. There will now be three different Paul Kidby line drawings, each lovingly hand-colored by the Gnome, up for grabs instead of one. You can win the colored drawing of the Disc from above by getting the most quotes identified correctly. You get your name in the pool for the colored drawing of the Librarian, moments after he has become an orangutan, just by sending an email with a guess as to the correct book, even if you’re completely wrong. And finally, if you are a member of the Portal’s Discord server, or become one by the end of Season 4, your name will go in the pool for the colored drawing of Reg Shoe and the other members of the Fresh Start Club marching down the street in Ankh-Morpork, with Reg holding a sign which reads “Undead Yes; Unperson No!”

Please note that is theoretically possible to win all three of these colored drawings, and to win two even if you don’t get a single quote right. Now that’s what I call a deal. Trust me.

You can always reach me at [email protected]. Our Discord server may be found under the name “Friends of the Discworld Portal” on www.discord.com. The Portal’s Patreon page is at https://www.patreon.com/user?u=21210045. The Gnome is on reddit as Portal_Steward. There is a nascent Portal YouTube page at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCh2HGerNeQ9kkv3WvZnyzVQ/featured 

Finally, don’t forget the Portal’s pages at mindkindle.net, which you may arrive at by going to https://mindkindle.net/from-a-dream-world/the-discworld-portal/.

Happy New Year and best wishes for this Year of the Condescending Carp. 

As always, no turtles, cats, or carp were harmed in the making of this week’s episode. De chelonian mobile. 

Wherein we learn of Susan’s ability to deal with domestic monsters, and hear how Death (as the Hogfather) deals with the children in the Hogfather’s Grotto in Chumley’s, in the Maul, Ankh-Morpork

How does the Hogfather deal with un-belief? Well, if he’s actually Death disguised as the Hogfather, it may be in an unpleasant, although undoubtedly effective way. You could ask Aaron Fidget, of Ankh-Morpork, for his take on it. 

The Hogfather crashed a Hogfather display in the Hogfather’s Grotto in Chumley’s, and quickly found out who had been naughty and who had been nice. In addition to hearing about this, we learn how Susan Sto Helit, whilst making her own way in the world (as a governess) finds her more-than-human ancestry a distinct advantage when she is dealing with the monsters that show up under the beds of her young charges, Twyla and Gawain. 

And that, dear listener, uses up episode 2 of the special Hogfather edition of the Portal. It also uses up 2019, so let’s be getting out there and doubling down on the random acts of kindness in the weeks and months to come. 

This week’s quote is “They opened the ledger. They looked at it for a very long time.

Then Mort said, “What do all those symbols mean?”

“Sodomy non sapiens,” said Albert under his breath.

“What does that mean?”

“Means I’m buggered if I know.”

Is this exchange from Reaper Man, Mort, or Guard, Guards? Send your answer to me at [email protected], and you may win this season’s grand prize, a copy of the line art Discworld seen from above, by Paul Kidby, and lovingly hand-colored (just like a medieval manuscript) by your guide and host for expeditions through the Portal.

You can also find our Discord server, Friends of the Discworld Portal, at discord.com. On the server you will find exclusive content as well as opportunities for chat with your fellow Portal listeners.

Patreon will also be host to some exclusive content in January. More than usual, that is. If you are a Patreon subscriber you already know you get exclusive content through the Portal’s Patreon page, but in January we will be dropping a couple of free-to-all goodies, as a Happy New Year wish to all of you. 

As always, no cats, turtles, or other sapient species were harmed in the making of this episode. And remember: De Chelonian Mobile. Don’t let anyone tell you different. 

Both on the Disc and in Roundworld there is a seasonal song about a portly gentleman who wears red, comes to your house once a year to leave you presents (or perhaps something less pleasant), and is said to be omniscient when it comes to the behavior of children. This song begins with the words, “You Better Watch Out.”

As we explore the magic of the (Hogswatch) holiday season, it is best to keep the above in mind. 

We are talking holiday season here, and Hogswatch is a mash-up of New Year’s Eve, Christmas, and the Winter Solstice. It is also much, much more. During this and next week’s show, I’ll be trying to describe what that “more” is. I’m going to do this without giving any spoilers. We’re going to get a cosmic view of ritual and belief. At least one of the above statements is probably true.

This week, the contest quote is “It is said that someone at a party once asked the famous philosopher Ly Tin Wheedle, ‘Why are you here?’ and the reply took three years.” This week though, I’m giving you three books to choose from. The answer is in one of the three books, so even if you don’t know you have a one in three chance of getting it right. 

The choices are Thief of Time, Light Fantastic, and Small Gods. Good luck!

Remember you can go to https://www.patreon.com/user?u=21210045 to find out all about subscribing to the Portal’s Patreon campaign, as well as finding a few free-for-everyone posts by ye olde Medieval Gnome. And our Discord server is found at “Friends of the Discworld Portal” at discord.com. The Discord server is the way to stay current on all things Portal.

Happy Hogswatch—however you celebrate. And remember, chelonium mobile (thank you Jen.) 

Come along as we journey with members of the Guild of Trespassers in an excursion around some of the Disc’s geography. We learn about the basic similarities between Roundworld and Discworld geography thanks to the assistance of Dr. Pedanta of Brazeneck University. He also provides us ample food for thought about Discworld-Roundworld analogues; legendary/fantastic, historical, and not-really-any-era-in particular examples are shared by the good Doctor. 

Next week’s show will be a special Hogswatch episode of the Portal

Check out the most happenin’ place on the ‘net, The Portal’s Discord server (Friends of the Discworld portal.) Ok that may be a slight exaggeration. But it is definitely happenin’. Recent posts from Gnome-land include a panoramic photo of the Portal’s research desk, and a candid shot of Ivy helping with production this morning. Ivy was slacking, and may have bribed Ivy to help, but she did a fine job.

Last week’s answer to the quote challenge was Color of Magic. These week’s quote is “We haven’t even practiced together properly,” said Imp. “We’ll practice as we go along,” said Glod. Welcome to the world of professional musicianship.

As usual, no cats, turtles, or professors of Cruel and Egregious Geography were harmed in the making of this episode.

Chelum mobile. 

I don’t need much excuse to do a bonus episode, and when I received an email this morning announcing that the Portal had surpassed 10,000 plays I immediately set to work on this bonus episode.

Ten thousand plays in 7 ½ months seems to me like something to celebrate. And, in this bonus episode the Portal goes back to its roots. Season 1, episode 1 was titled Welcome to Ankh-Morpork, and we spend a good deal of this bonus episode exploring the Disc’s greatest city more fully, in part by a walking tour described for us in the Compleat Ankh-Morpork City Guide. 

I also want to share the news that the Portal has picked up its fourth patron via Patreon. Bjornar has joined Bethany, Luke and Tony in the ranks of those who have put their money where their ears are, so to speak. Thanks again (and again!) to the four of you. Although s/he didn’t say so explicitly, I would guess by the name that s/he is probably Norwegian. Since I had a message from Sebastian, a new listener in Germany this morning as well, both sides of my ethnic heritage have been heard from in less than 24 hours.

Speaking of Patreon, I’ve added a new level of membership. Perhaps you’d like to support the show, but are a poor UU student, lance constable in the Watch, or cabbage farmer on the Sto Plains. If so, I hope you’ll consider subscribing as a patron at the $1 a month level. Every little bit helps, and you will receive value for your dollar above and beyond the regular episodes of the show. I will send you a personal thank you message. And I do mean personal. No cut-and-paste nonsense here. Each listener is unique, and so is each thank-you message I send out. In addition, members of the Canting Crew (that is, subscribers at a dollar a month) will also have a 10% chance each month of accessing one of the Patreon-only audio episodes. I’m not feeling constrained to stick to a twenty-minute timeframe on these, and I’m being guided by patron feedback in terms of subject matter, so these are good value for your money, if I do say so myself. https://www.patreon.com/user?u=21210045 will get you to the show's Patreon page. Alternatively, just go to Patreon.com and search for us. 

Also, remember that the Portal is on Discord now. Friends of the Discworld Portal, to be exact. We now have an expanded server with quite a few different discussion and other channels. Membership is free and anonymous, so click here if you want to get involved. https://discord.gg/K9s6BSW If the link doesn’t work just go to discord.com and search for us.

I have a nascent presence on Reddit in the discworld subreddit as Portal_Steward. More to come there. 

Finally, thanks to Luke and other listeners who are doing their best to spread the word about the Portal via social media. It must be working. Season 4 episode 1 had 231 plays in the first 48 hours—almost twice the previous record. 

These are some long show notes, but I had a lot of things I wanted to get out to you. Remember you can read the Portal blog at https://mindkindle.net/gnomic-musings-the-discworld-portal-blog/ and you can reach me via email at [email protected]. As ever, no turtles or cats were harmed in the making of this episode.

Footnote: The episode’s title is meant to be an homage to Thief of Time as well as a rather tortured pun. Myra LeJean in Thief of Time becomes Myra L’Auditrice here. The name could be rendered Legion of Auditors—Legion meaning, classically, ten thousand of something, and Auditors, remember, can mean listeners as well as accountants. 

The Portal is back for a fourth season, wherein we begin an exploration of the societies, cultures, and education system of the Disc. This week we focus on Ankh-Morpork’s institutions but, as always, there’s more to come.

Season 4’s contest is to name the Discworld book for the quote given. This will be a progressive contest—the quotes will get tougher as the season goes on. This week’s quote is: “Bravd became aware that he had fumbled the initiative.”

The winner of this season’s contest will get a mandala hand-colored by none other than The Medieval Gnome. No, seriously. He’s a gnome of many talents. Send your answer to this week’s question to [email protected].

The Portal is looking for submissions for an e-paper of news of the Disc. If you've ever thought it might be fun to try your hand at fan fiction, here's your chance. News, sports, weather, editorials-- even adverts. Please send your items to the Gnome at the usual address.

If you would like to have access to the latest Portal information and get involved in discussions of the Discworld books, characters, and just Disc-ly stuff in general, as well as be able to chat with the Gnome and with your fellow listeners (including voice chat, if you’re feeling adventurous), the Portal’s Discord server is the place to be. Just go to discord.com and search Friends of the Discworld Portal, or use this link: https://discord.gg/sk36B2p

The Portal acquired two new Patreon patrons during over the hiatus. Thank you, Luke and Bethany for supporting the Portal. It makes me feel great to know that you enjoy the show enough to make a financial commitment to it. 

Finally we need to remind all of you, as always, to commit at least one random act of kindness in the coming week. No turtles or cats were harmed in the making of this episode.