Tara and Andrew Versus The Scarecrow Video Movie Guide

Holy cow, what a change of pace from the last few episodes. The Apartment is a romantic comedy from 1960, directed by Billy Wilder, who you may recognize from movies like Some Like it Hot and Sunset Boulevard. This is a prime example of one of the reasons we're doing this podcast, aside from the fame and glory and endorsement deals and free swimming pools filled with gold doubloons. It's the kind of movie that neither one of us would gravitate towards naturally, in that no one gets exsanguinated (unless there's a director's cut that we're unaware of), but you'll just have to listen to the episode to find out how that works out for the two of us in this case. That's a pretty ham-fisted example of the ambiguity that we try to instill in these blog posts (as referenced in last week's entry), but what can we say? It's harder than it looks!

NEXT TIME: A movie that Andrew would otherwise not have willingly watched in a million years.

Fuuuuuck. Normally we try to make these posts a little ambiguous so that you have to actually listen to the episode to find out what we thought, but with Darkness Falls... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. You might notice that this episode is about ten minutes longer than most of our other episodes-- this movie is so bad, we seriously could not stop talking about how awful it is. "Aw c'mon," you might be saying to yourself right now, "how bad could it actually be?". Well, let us tell you this, friends: it's about an evil tooth fairy. That's how bad. See that thumbnail image for the trailer? That's a picture we took towards the end of the movie, but we had the closed captioning turned on from about minute two. We were yelling angrily at our television so much, we had to turn it on so that we wouldn't miss out on crucial pieces of dialog. That's how bad it is. 

So, in summation: movie bad. See ya next week!

NEXT TIME: A much better movie.

Look at that poster. No one wants to be in this movie. Even Dracula has this kind of "yeah, yeah, let's just get this over with" look in his eyes. Also, some of those people on the poster may not actually be in the movie. The character that's not featured prominently (or prominently enough) is the terrible bat puppet-- sure, there are some bats in the background there, but considering that she (he?) is the movie's second most likable character, they're sort of doing the movie poster equivalent of burying the lede.

ANYWAY, this is the sixth of nine Dracula movies that Hammer Films released between the years of 1958 and 1974, and it shows. The titular scars are only briefly referenced and have almost no relevance to what happens in the movie. If you're some kind of egghead you might be inclined to make a case for the scars being metaphorical, but even that would be a stretch. That bat puppet, though!

NEXT TIME: Windtalkers gets dethroned as our go-to reference point for terrible movies. It gets dethroned so hard, you guys.

This week we get a brief reprieve from horror movie sequels to watch 1970's techno-thriller (for lack of a better way to describe it) Colossus: "The Forbin" Project, and no, that's not a typo. Apparently, at some point prior to the US release, some brainiac decided that what the title was missing was a set of quotation marks which were not only completely unnecessary, but which also didn't make any sense. Like, AT ALL. They might have been able to get away with it if Charles Forbin, the movie's alleged protagonist, referred to himself as "The Forbin" throughout the movie, but he doesn't, which is surprising considering how much of a smug jerk he already comes off as.

ANYway, that's all besides the point. Colossus is about artificial intelligences outsmarting humans and enslaving us all, so basically it's a look into what our lives are going to be like in about five years. We, for one, welcome our new robot overlords!

NEXT TIME: One of Dracula's lamer deaths, to be sure.

What else is there to say about Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III that hasn't been said already? Well, a lot, actually, because no one really talks about this movie, and for (mostly) good reason. It seems as though public opinion has turned around on the second movie in recent years, but at the time the public wasn't exactly clamoring for a third entry in the series. Leatherface has its moments, but it's generally not a great sign when you find yourself rooting for Leatherface to saw up one of the protagonists three minutes into the movie. Oh shit, did we just tip our hand there? YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO LISTEN TO FIND OUT!

Next time: A movie that isn't a sequel, thank Chris.

Okay, first things first-- we have got to talk about the tagline on that poster. "Do you dare to walk these steps again?" Really? Who was in the focus group that they ran that past, a bunch of elderly people with poor motor skills? Even in the original Exorcist, those stairs are preeeeeeetty low on the scare-factor scale (patent pending).

The movie itself is, as was briefly mentioned in last week's post, not terrible. A ringing endorsement, to be sure!

NEXT TIME: An unsurprisingly terrible third entry in a horror movie franchise!

(this was the best we could do, trailer-wise-- sorry!)

Hoo boy. What a fun, fun movie this was! If you've ever wondered how miserable things were for people in post-WWII Berlin, this movie will do an excellent job of enlightening you. Spoiler alert-- things were very miserable.

NEXT TIME: A surprisingly not-terrible third entry in a horror movie franchise!

The Cup is a 1999 movie straight outta Bhutan about a bunch of young Tibetan monks in exile who are obsessed with soccer and the World Cup. It's a movie that's difficult to make any goofs about here, because it is just so genuinely nice and earnest. In addition to being about monks, it was actually made (for the most part) by monks, so you know it's legit-- in fact, it's probably the most legit movie you'll ever see about monks. That's a selling point, right?

NEXT TIME: A bleak neorealist vision of post-WWII Berlin. It's exactly as much fun as it sounds.

Episode 7! 

This is a really interesting movie in a lot of ways. It's not a good movie, exactly, but its ideas about energy consumption, the body-possessing subplot, and the design of Kronos itself make it stand apart from your typical schlocky sci-fi fare. Also, Andrew would like to apologize for hoping that Jeff Morrow was dead so that he wouldn't have to read the guide describe him as "lunky". In retrospect, being called lunky is still better than being altogether dead. 

NEXT TIME: An honest-to-goodness genuinely nice film. Don't worry, that won't last.

Episode five!

Have you ever thought to yourself, "I wonder if anyone has made a horror movie about an industrial laundry machine with blood lust?" Are you fond of goofy, supernatural chillers from the mid-90s? Do you like films with barely-explained "odd couple" pairings? Well, my friend, The Mangler might very well be the movie for you!

It's a funny coincidence that we're releasing this episode a few days after Tobe Hooper passed away. Texas Chainsaw Massacre chilled Andrew arguably more than any other horror film ever made, and Tara has an enduring fondness for the Poltergeist films. RIP Tobe Hooper.

As promised, here is a Kids in the Hall sketch featuring Mark McKinney's Tucker character, a dead-ringer for this movie's "protagonist".

NEXT TIME: Tara and Andrew talk more about professional wrestling than they ever have in their entire lives cumulatively.