Teens, Tech God

We know that many parents are dealing with a son or daughter announcing that they are gay. In this episode, Dr. John shares critical insights from "Messy Grace" by Pastor Caleb Kaltenbach, and he'll offer some biblical strategies to bring together both the grace and truth of Jesus Christ. This episode will speak to those who want to know how to respond to the LGBTQ issue.

Caleb Kaltenbach is a pastor and founder of The Messy Grace Group where he helps churches love and create belonging for those who relate as LGBTQ without sacrificing theological convictions. Find more information at his website: https://www.calebkaltenbach.com/

What we talked about I. Did You Know. Stats come from the Williams Institute at UCLA. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/visualization/lgbt-stats/?topic=LGBT#density

II. Caleb Kaltenbach's 5 Don'ts. When your teen son or daughter announces they are gay, here are five things that author Caleb Kaltenbach says you should not do:

1. Don't look disappointed,
2. Don't get mad,
3. Don't throw out Bible verses,
4. Don't compare, and
5. Don't try to get them counseling.

III. Dr. John shares insights from his years of counseling and addresses these questions:

1. Have you found in your years of counseling that one of these 5 items is the biggest knee-jerk response of parents? (Dr. John: anger)
2. Which of the 5 don'ts seems to be the most difficult for parents to grasp? (Dr. John: counseling)
3. Are there any don'ts from your experience that you'd add to that list? (Dr. John: shaming)

IV. What if someone gives you an ultimatum, "Either you accept this part of my life or I will have nothing to do with you"? How do we respond in that situation to a friend or family member? Can we accept without condoning them?

• Ephesians 4:15, "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."
• Affirm the value of the relationship.
• We want to be compassionate without condoning.
• Proverbs 9:10, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."

V. Action Item. As a parent, how should you respond when a son or daughter announces they are gay? Dr. John says there is always one thing for you to do as a parent: Affirm your relationship with your teen.

Here are some other action steps for parents:

1. Recognize you will have strong feelings, but this is not the time to argue or get mad.
2. Seek counseling for yourself.
3. Be respectful and non-reactive. If you have already reacted, you may need to apologize.
4. Do your best to interact well, emulating Christ's character, and let that guide your attitude and approach.
5. Get on the same page with your spouse as quickly as possible.
6. You may want to round up some support of close, trusted allies.
7. You may have personal faith-questions. This can be a time of confirming your convictions.
8. It's ok to acknowledge your emotions and the need for time to sort them out.
9. Take the initiative to affirm your son or daughter.
10. Affirm continuing unconditional love.
11. Maintaining the relationship and maintaining godly influence.
12. Be conscious in your choice to approach the matter in a "discovery mode" and encourage your child to do the same, if possible.
13. Ask a few questions: What led you to believe that you might be gay? Have you ever experienced feelings of attraction to the opposite sex? When did you first become aware of your attraction to others of the same sex? What was your initial reaction to those feelings? How persistent are those feelings? Have you talked to someone about them?
14. You will want to know if they still view themselves as a Christian.

Quote from Caleb:

• "Jesus's command to 'love your neighbor as yourself' does not have an exception clause for a gay 'neighbor'—or, for that matter, any other 'neighbor' we might find hard to relate to."
• "Messiness is what happens when you try to live out God's perfect grace as a flawed person in a flawed world."
• "Ultimately it doesn't matter what you think. It matters what God thinks."
• "I want you to become a change agent, moving the culture of your local church in the direction of more openness toward people who are different from you."
• "Christians need to stop trying to convert people's sexuality. It isn't our job to change someone's sexual orientation. You and I are not called by God to make gay people straight."
• "Every person in one way or another needs to exchange a false identity he or she has for an identity in the risen Christ."

About the podcast: Teens, Tech & God is a podcast resource brought to you by Dr. John Thorington, director of Restoring Hearts Counseling in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and author of the book "Pure Teens." The podcast is dedicated to equipping parents with the tools and knowledge to raise kids committed to God's purpose for sexuality, the family, and the honorable use of all technology. For more information, visit the Restoring Hearts Counseling website: http://www.restoringheartscounseling.com

EPISODE 4

We must be clearly aware that there is a spiritual battle going on around us. We can better preserve the reality of holy sexuality if we realize that it is under attack in the spiritual realms. As Christians, we engage in the battle to help people because we care for them. This is not really a battle between political parties or cultural interest groups. It's a battle for God to be lifted high and win the hearts of people for whom He died.

What we talked about

[3:15] Juli Slattery states, "It's not enough to be vaguely aware of some spiritual battle in the 'heavenly realms' (Ephesians 6:12). How can we fight what we have not acknowledged? How can we stand against an enemy if we don't recognize his impact in our lives?" Dr. John weighs in.

[5:23] How does Jesus describe the enemy?

[6:28] Dr. John relates stories of clients who were exposed to pornography at around age 8 and talks about how that effects the mind.

[7:43] When Jesus began his public ministry, he read from Isaiah 61:1: "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners." What does his statement tell us about the world we live?

[8:33] John Eldredge commented in his book Waking the Dead, "If we are in an epic battle, then the language of the Bible fits perfectly. Things are not what they seem. We are at war. The war is against your heart, your glory." God created us for greatness.

[11:47] Juli Slattery wrote, "Satan has convinced us that sex can be separated from its inherent spiritual and relational significance. We buy his lies when we say, 'sex is just sex.'" Do you think that a current example is sexting?

[13:15] The four different kinds of love.

[17:05] What are some of the other strategies used by Satan? Russell Moore explains how the devil works: "The devil works in two ways: by deception, 'You will not surely die' (Genesis 3:4), and by accusation, 'who accuses them day and night before our God'" (Revelation 12:10).

[21:09] What insights might Daniel's life offer us some understanding on this topic of how we live between two worlds? Daniel offers us insight into the struggle of living in the world as a follower of Jesus in three areas: our worldview, our appetites, and our identity.

[24:48] Insight on this comment from Juli Slattery: "We fight the spiritual battle around sexuality because we care about God and about people. We are fighting for people, not against them."

ACTION ITEM: How can we help people come out of the dark shadows of their secrecy and shame?

Books mentioned this episode

Rethinking Sexuality by Dr. Juli Slattery (https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Sexuality-Gods-Design-Matters/dp/0735291470/)

Waking the Dead by John Eldredge (https://www.amazon.com/Waking-Dead-Glory-Heart-Fully/dp/0785288295/)

The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis (https://www.amazon.com/Four-Loves-C-S-Lewis/dp/0062565397/)

EPISODE 3

In this episode, Dr. John discusses more critical insights from the book "Rethinking Sexuality: God's Design and Why It Matters," by Dr. Juli Slattery of Authentic Intimacy, particularly in the area of sexual discipleship and the role the church should play in shaping sexual values.

Dr. Slattery's book can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Sexuality-Gods-Design-Matters/dp/0735291470/

Dr. Slattery's ministry, Authentic Intimacy, can be found here: https://www.authenticintimacy.com/

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DID YOU KNOW

Recent findings from The Porn Phenomenon… https://www.barna.com/the-porn-phenomenon

• 70% of Christian youth pastors have had at least one teen ask them for help with dealing with porn in the past 12 months. Most often the teens were: High school boys 92%; middle school boys 57%; high school girls 23%; and middle school girls 10%.
• 21% of youth pastors and 14% of pastors admit they currently struggle with using porn.
• 12% of youth pastors and 5% of pastors say they are addicted to porn.
• 87% of pastors who say they use porn say they feel a great sense of shame about it.

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WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT

2:58: What is the definition of sexual discipleship?

"I think part of our dilemma is that we don't have a sense of our sexuality being a part of our discipleship and followership with the Lord Jesus Christ."

5:14: How has postmodernism grown so powerful in determining the sexual values of the culture?

6:27: In your view, why has the church failed to speak to these issues when the culture has been more compelling and effective in getting its message out?

8:08: Is sexuality a territory to be reclaimed by the church rather than a problem to be solved?

10:12: Juli Slattery wrote, "We have a mission. It's not to convince people that sex outside of marriage is sinful…He told us to go and make disciples. Our mission is to exalt Jesus as Lord, Creator, and Savior of every aspect of our lives, including sexuality." How do you respond to her comment?

"Jesus went out of his way to encounter people whose lives were broken."

11:50: Do you think the church has been judgmental toward the issue of sexual sin and brokenness?

"You know what makes the church unique? We take the wounded and we shoot them."

"Our priority is expressing the kindness and the mercy of our God toward people who have lives that are broken."

15:00: How do you see the Bible addressing the issue of sexuality? Do you see anything especially noteworthy in the life of Jesus?

18:52: Are you suggesting that we in the church engage in sex education?

21:12: Let's stop treating sexuality as a taboo subject in the church.

22:56: A closer look at a quote from Russell Moore's book Onward: Engaging the Culture Without Losing the Gospel: "The sexual revolution, if we're right about the universe, cannot keep its promises. Unhinged sexual utopianism can only go so far before it leaves the ground around it burned over, like every other utopianism. We need to be ready, after all that, to point toward older paths, toward water that can satisfy."

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ACTION ITEM

How can parents help their teens to better understand the idea of sexual discipleship?

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

• The Porn Phenomenon, https://www.barna.com/the-porn-phenomenon/
• (Not mentioned, but worth exploring from PJ Media: https://pjmedia.com/faith/2017/01/28/barna-study-shocking-number-of-pastors-struggle-with-porn/ )
• Celebrate Recovery, https://www.celebraterecovery.com/
• Pure Desire, https://puredesire.org/
• Pure Desire Conqueror Series, https://puredesire.org/collections/conquer-series
• Russell Moore, https://www.russellmoore.com/ and also https://www.onward-book.com/
• Be Broken Ministries, https://2.bebroken.com/

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Teens, Tech & God is a podcast resource brought to you by Dr. John Thorington, director of Restoring Hearts Counseling in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and author of the book "Pure Teens." The podcast is dedicated to equipping parents with the tools and knowledge to raise kids committed to God's purpose for sexuality, the family, and the honorable use of all technology.

Episode 2: Who's discipling your youth: the church or the culture?

Teens, Tech & God is a podcast resource brought to you by Dr. John Thorington, director of Restoring Hearts Counseling in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and author of the book "Pure Teens." The podcast is dedicated to equipping parents with the tools and knowledge to raise kids committed to God's purpose for sexuality, the family, and the honorable use of all technology.

In this episode, Dr. John shares critical insights from the book "Rethinking Sexuality: God's Design and Why It Matters," by Dr. Juli Slattery. We can become a redeeming force in a world of sexual brokenness by promoting the concept of sexual discipleship within the church instead of continuing to allow the culture to disciple our youth on sexuality.

Dr. Slattery's book can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Sexuality-Gods-Design-Matters/dp/0735291470/

Dr. Slattery's ministry, Authentic Intimacy, can be found here: https://www.authenticintimacy.com/

**Episode outline

Did you know: 68% of teens in America don't believe that viewing porn is wrong, or as the Barna poll describes it: 32% say that viewing porn is wrong. Here are two links to the research:

https://www.barna.com/research/teens-young-adults-use-porn-more-than-anyone-else/#.VrNvv8dQlI5

https://www.barna.com/research/porn-in-the-digital-age-new-research-reveals-10-trends/#.VzawoVfHcsE

[2:08] The church must shift its approach on sex and sexuality. "The biggest problem that we in the church have is that we've been silent on this issue (of sex and sexuality). We have hurt a lot of people by not addressing this issue."

[3:03] What is God's design for sexuality, and why is it important for us to fully grasp His plan? "The very first miracle was the miracle of marriage."

[4:23] Why has the church been silent on sexuality? "Our kids and our families are being discipled by the culture, and not by the church."

[5:09] A closer look at Juli Slattery's book "Rethinking Sexuality: God's Design and Why It Matters."

[6:25] The dangers of allowing legalism to shape the church's approach to discussing sex and sexuality. What is the church doing to help the hurt and the broken? "We're all broken, sexually."

[8:55] Dr. John relates a story of one young man's struggle with sexuality and the sacred.

[10:48] Ultimately, every sexual question is a spiritual one. What does that mean? Dr. John explains.

[12:22] Don't be afraid to talk with your kids about God's design for sexuality. If you don't, the culture certainly will.

Action item: Parents, start the conversation by spending a few moments talking to your children about the joys and struggles of your own marriage.

**Talking Points

Here are some other points Dr. John has on this topic:

• We must understand the main ideas that propel postmodernism and humanism. This is no time for continued silence or judgmental pronouncements.
• We must define sexual discipleship within the church and equip ourselves to follow the Lord in every aspect of our lives, including sexuality.
• We can only turn the tide by helping parents and teens base their sexuality in the biblical narrative, integrate it into their daily lives, and pass this message on to others.
• We must become a safe place for people who are struggling sexually. There is hardly a family not in the grips of some sexual woundedness or brokenness.
• This is not a problem to be solved but an important arena to be reclaimed.
• Jesus went out of His way to bring healing and restoration to the sexually broken. Hurting people want hope.
• The Bible provides concrete help for those who are hurting sexually.
• It is time for the church to grow up. This means, as Paul says, for us to be so rooted and mature in our faith so as not to be swayed by the culture.
• We shouldn't be silent about something that God was delighted to create for His children. Sexuality is a precious and wonderful gift!

**Quotes related to the topic:

Juli Slattery, "We have a mission. It's not to convince people that sex outside of marriage is sinful…He told us to go and make disciples. Our mission is to exalt Jesus as Lord, Creator, and Savior of every aspect of our lives, including sexuality."

Francis Shaeffer, "Where is the clear voice speaking to the crucial issues of the day with distinctively biblical, Christian answers? With tears we must say that largely it is not there and that a large segment of the evangelical world has become seduced by the world spirit of this present age. And more than this, we can expect the future to be a further disaster if the evangelical world does not take a stand for biblical truth and morality in the full spectrum of life."

Juli Slattery, "The body of Christ is in desperate need of mature Christians who are rooted in both God's unchanging truth about sexuality and His life-changing love toward humanity?"

Russell Moore, "The sexual revolution, if we're right about the universe, cannot keep its promises. Unhinged sexual utopianism can only go so far before it leaves the ground around it burned over, like every other utopianism. We need to be ready, after all that, to point a toward older paths, toward water that can satisfy."

If you need to schedule an intensive or get counseling for your teen or yourself, call us at 719-644-5557.

Teens, Tech, and God is a podcast resource brought to you by Dr. John Thorington, director of Restoring Hearts Counseling in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and author of the book "Pure Teens." The podcast is dedicated to equipping parents with the tools and knowledge to raise kids committed to God's purpose for sexuality, the family, and the honorable use of all technology.

In this introductory episode, Dr. John lays a foundation for recovery from sexual addiction and shares more information about the mission of the podcast and Restoring Hearts Counseling.

Episode outline

1:25, Dr. John shares more about his background and what drives him to help clients who may be struggling with addictive behaviors and the addictive qualities of Internet pornography.

3:24, The podcast is designed to be a resource to help parents and ultimately teens who are caught in the cycle of addiction.

5:28, How did we get to where we are now with the porn epidemic? Dr. John shares his thoughts.

6:39, Dr. John offers insights to trends he's seen over the past 15 years or so.

8:08, What does the Bible say about addiction? We can find an answer in the book of James.

10:36, Are there people in the Bible who appeared to suffer from some sort of addiction, or faced a sexual temptation? Dr. John talks about the stories of Samson and Joseph.

13:39, Let's not forget about the story of King David.

14:41, We also read about sexual issues within the early church, which can be found in First Corinthians.

15:25, The effects of sex on the brain.

16:36, Kids today are exposed to more pornography in their early lives than many older people saw in an entire lifetime.

18:56, Technology is the "wine" of the 21st century (see Ephesians 5:18).

19:41, The growing number of people hooked on pornography is at an increasing and even higher rate among females.

21:22, Dr. John shares more information about the mission of Restoring Hearts Counseling.

23:16, The action item for this episode: Study the story of the woman caught in adultery from John 8.

If you need to schedule an intensive or get counseling for your teen or yourself, call us at 719-644-5557.