That's So Deep

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are celebrating our 20th episode with 20 Questions with Phyllis and Julie!  We hope you enjoy it and get to know us a little better :)

 Find out:

1. What subjects Phyllis and Julie were bad at in school.
2. What Phyllis and Julie find hard that most people find easy.
3. What Julie’s pets would sound like if they could talk.
4. What Phyllis and Julie think are essential for a long term relationship.
5. Whether or not Phyllis and Julie think aliens exist.
6. And much more!

 Take-aways:

No real takeaways!  We just hope you enjoyed this conversation and maybe try some of these questions with some of your friends or acquaintances to take the conversation deeper.  Let us know if there are other questions you have for us that we didn’t answer.  We would love to hear from you and we will address your questions in upcoming podcasts!

 We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:

1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.
2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: 
   • Facebook: @sodeeppeeps 
   • Instagram @thatssodeeppod
3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884
4. Email us: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

Awkward Silence

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today’s episode is titled Feedback: It’s Everywhere…So Why Do We Get it Wrong?

Some deep things we cover:

1. Feedback is Life: Understanding feedback helps us grow and connect to each other.
2. First Understand Feedback: Don’t take feedback at face value.  Before reacting to feedback, ask questions.  
3. Three Categories of Feedback: Appreciation, Coaching and Evaluation.
4. Cross Transactions: When we are asking for one type of feedback and we get another type it creates conflict and disconnection.
5. Human Intelligence is Organized Around Stories: Computers manage and access data but human intelligence is organized around stories.  Beware: we often think our interpretation of data is the data itself.
6. Feedback is a Two-Way Street: Even if you package it well, it can be received poorly.
7. Phyllis’ Jekyll and Hyde Way of Giving Feedback: Phyllis unpacks how she tried to use appreciation to compensate for her hypercritical feedback.
8. Pushing vs. Pulling: Pushing happens from the feedback giver and may not create the change desired in the feedback receiver.  Pulling happens from within the feedback receiver and that is where the real change happens.
9. Honest Mirrors and Supportive Mirrors: We need both types of friends who reflect the truth but also provide us with the support we need to change.

Take-aways:

1. Take a Mirror Inventory: List the supportive mirrors and the honest mirrors in your life.  We need both types of people to help us grow.
2. Ask For What You Need: Use the 3 categories of appreciation, coaching and evaluation to ask for what we need when we are wanting feedback.  
3. Delay Judgment and Get Curious: Ask clarifying questions about the feedback you’re receiving so you can properly understand the story that the feedback giver is giving you.  

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:

1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.
2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: 
   • Facebook: @sodeeppeeps  
   • Instagram @thatssodeeppod
3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884
4. Email us: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Let's Talk: Make Effective Feedback Your Superpower: Huston, Therese
2. Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well: Stone, Douglas, Heen, Sheila
3. The Essentials: Giving Feedback - Women at Work | Podcast on Spotify
4. Dr. Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist)

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Unsolicited Advice Part 2: What Motivates Us to Give Advice?

 Some deep things we cover:

1. We are a Helpful Species: We made it this far because people know how to work together and collaborate.  Advice can be a way that people try to help.
2. But Sometimes We Can Be Unhelpful (oops!): There are times when we give advice out of our own neediness and our own powerlessness.  We may not feel like we have control or agency in our own lives so we give advice to feel a sense of power or emotional validation.
3. Let Me Give You Advice to Make You Stop Talking: Sometimes friends ruminate on a problem and we give advice in hopes of stopping the flow of complaints.  We discuss a more direct approach that may be worth a try.
4. Being Teacher All the Time: There are folks who want to be teacher ALL THE TIME.  It can be excruciating.  We share some thoughts on how to try to view them with compassion and also let them know that you don’t need their advice.

 Take-aways:

1. Relationship Balance: Ask yourself if your go-to people can also go to you and vice versa.  Are there people who come to you but you can’t go to them?  How does it make you feel in these relationships?  How do these relationships work for you?  If they don’t work for you, what needs to shift?
2. Check Your Motivations Before/During/After Giving Advice: Find friends who can help you grow in these areas.  If you find yourself spouting advice because your life is a bit chaotic and you’re feeling needy…acknowledge that, apologize and ask for help.  You can check your motivations at any point in the process.
3. Have Faith in People: Trust that others are on their journeys and they don’t need you to advise them every step of the way.  Try encouragement in lieu of advice.  You may find it might just yield better results.

 We want to have a conversation with you!  Here's how to connect with us: 

1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.
2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on:  
   • Facebook @sodeeppeeps 
   • Instagram @thatssodeeppod
3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884
4. Email us: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 
Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced:

1. Let's Talk: Make Effective Feedback Your Superpower: Huston, Therese
2. Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well: Stone, Douglas, Heen, Sheila
3. The Essentials: Giving Feedback - Women at Work | Podcast on Spotify
4. Types of Unsolicited Advice That Cause Stress
5. How to Handle Unwanted Advice by Setting Boundaries

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Unsolicited Advice: The Thing We Love to Give And Hate to Receive.

 Some deep things we cover:

1. How do you feel when people give you unsolicited advice?
2. Relationship Triggers: Sometimes you can’t take advice simply because of the relationship you have with the person who is giving the advice even if the advice is sound.
3. Three Categories of Feedback: Appreciation, Coaching and Evaluation.
4. Love and Belonging VS. Growth: Sometimes these can be opposing forces inside our hearts and minds.
5. All Advice is Autobiographical: We inevitably give advice to others through the lens of our own lives.  It is unavoidable.
6. We see you New Moms!  People are talking at you all day everyday but we want you to know that you’re killing it!
7. Being a Friend to Our Friend’s Who are Stuck in a Bad Relationship: We talk about how tricky it is to speak truth, hold space and keep boundaries so we can help catch our friends when they are ready.

 Take-aways:

To the Advice Giver:
Remember that all advice is autobiographical.  You are approaching your friends from your lens and your life experiences and attempting to speak into their lives.  Try a more curious approach and try to understand their lens before jumping in. 

To the Advice Receiver:
Before sharing, think about what you need: When you share with a friend, you can sometimes open yourself up for advice even if what you need is just to process your feelings.  Try to figure out what you need before sharing so that you can ask for what you need and your friend can be a better friend to you.
Surround yourself with loving and encouraging people: Good friends encourage, support and speak truth.  Find those people and spend as much time as you can with them so that you can become the best you that you can be.

***

We want to have a conversation with you!
The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:

1. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884
2. Email us: [email protected]
3. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.
4. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: 
   • Facebook @sodeeppeeps
   • Instagram @thatssodeeppod 

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Let's Talk: Make Effective Feedback Your Superpower: Huston, Therese
2. Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well: Stone, Douglas, Heen, Sheila
3. The Essentials: Giving Feedback - Women at Work | Podcast on Spotify

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Complaining: Why do we do it?  And does it really make us feel better?

Some deep things we cover:

1. Complaining is Contagious: We all do it.  
2. Three Types of Complaining: We discuss the difference between venting, problem solving, and ruminating
3. Checking in with the “Complaint Receiver”: You often need to complain TO someone BUT are they in a head space to receive your complaining?
4. What is the difference between healthy venting vs. emotional dumping?
5. “I need to process this”: a way to shift your complaining into problem solving.
6. It’s not you it’s me: Our complaints are often about us and our triggers and not about others.
7. F Bombs in Journals: Phyllis shares how she emotionally dumps into a journal and how that helps her.

Take-aways:

1. When you find yourself wanting to complain to someone, first figure out what you need.  Do you need to emotionally dump?  Do you need appreciation?  Do you need to vent?  Do you need to figure out why something is bothering you?  
2. Before you complain, check in with the person who you are complaining to.  See if they are in a head space to receive your complaint.  
3. If they are, then ask for what you need.  If they are not, consider journaling or going for a walk.  
4. In general, the most healthful and helpful way to “complain” is to problem solve or "process."
5. Pay attention to how often you complain.  Pay attention to who you complain to.  Pay attention to if the conversations you are having are “complaint heavy” and if so, think about why and how you might have different conversations.

 We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:

1. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884
2. Email us: [email protected]
3. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.
4. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: 
   • Facebook: @sodeeppeeps 
   • Instagram @thatssodeeppod 

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Go Ahead and Complain. It Might Be Good for You. - The New York Times
2. The Difference Between Venting and Dumping | Psychology Today
3. Complaining, for Your Health - The Atlantic
4. Does Complaining Damage Our Mental Health? | Psychology Today
5. Is Complaining Good or Bad For You?

Hello So Deep Peeps!  
Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Finding Your Inner Mentor (Based on the work from Playing Big by Tara Mohr).
 
Some deep things we cover:

1. The Inner Critic is not the only voice inside of you.  There is a wiser and gentler voice and that is the voice of the Inner Mentor.
2. The Role of Imagination in Empowerment: You CAN become what you haven’t seen in the outside world.  You just need to see it in your inside world.
3. Outer Mentors and Inner Mentors: Society has no problem telling women that their own voices are not enough.  We have been trained to seek outside sources for the answers when the truest, most perfect answers are within each of us.  

Take-aways:

Carve out 30-45 minutes to visualize your Inner Mentor.  Choose one of the meditations in the resources below.  Find a quiet space, take a deep breath and begin.  If you find your mind wandering or if you fall asleep, that’s okay, you’re just tired.  Try again another day.  You can prep yourself by taking a warm bath.  Pour yourself a mug of warm tea.  Do what you need to help you relax.  

Things to keep in mind from Playing Big:

• Explore and pay attention to symbols that come up.
• Don’t take the vision too literally.  If the vision shows that you are pregnant, it may not mean literally.  It may just mean opportunity or abundance lie ahead.
• Keep your inner mentor to yourself…at least for a while...it is precious and yours.

Post visualization journaling questions from Playing Big:

• Write about any images, feelings & words that came to mind as you visualized.
• What was her true name?  Look up the origin, root & meaning.
• What was her presence like?
• What did she look like?
• What was her home like?
• What was her parting gift to you?  

Take some time to journal and answer these questions.  Now that you know what your Inner Mentor looks like, allow this more fully expressed, authentic version of yourself to pull you forward into who you will become.

We want to have a conversation with you! There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:

1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.
2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on Facebook: @sodeeppeeps 
3. LIKE and FOLLOW us on Instagram @thatssodeeppod
4. Leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884
5. Email us: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 
Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Supplemental Exercises & Tips for Playing Big by Tara Mohr
2. A Future Self Guided Visualization - Meet Your Inner Mentor
3. Playing Big, Tara Mohr's Women's Self-Development Book
4. Simplify: Ken Page: Meet Your Inner Mentor
5. Lean In Book

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about What Your Inner Critic Sounds Like and How to Get it to Shut Up (Based on the work from Playing Big by Tara Mohr).

Some deep things we cover:

1. Inner Critics are like buttholes.  We’ve all got one!
2. Inner Critics are the Risk Aversion Department of your brain.
3. Inner Critics are more concerned with safety than truth: They’ll tell you anything to keep you safe from emotional risk.
4. What does the Inner Critic sound like?
   • Harsh, rude and mean.
   • Binary: Black and white thinking. No gray area.
   • Sexist 
   • Body Critical
   • A Broken Record
   • An Outer Critic that you have internalized: a parent, a sibling, a coach etc.
5. If your inner critic is getting hysterical, it may mean that you’re on the edge of a breakthrough.  Keep going!

Take-aways:

Now that we know what the Inner Critic sounds like, what are some ways we can get it to quiet down?  Here are some tips from Tara Mohr’s book Playing Big: 

1. Name and describe your critic:  Take a minute to breathe and journal.  Give your critic a name and identify their personality traits.  What are their features?  What kind of car do they drive?  What does their voice sound like?  How do they take their coffee in the morning?
2. Take the “I” out of the inner critic and talk about them in the 3rd person:  Instead of saying “I’m freaking out!” try “my inner critic is freaking out right now!”  The inner critic is “a” voice but it is not “the” voice.  
3. Ways to Minimize the Inner Critic’s voice:
   • Physically walk out of the room when your critic starts talking.
   • Locate the voice in your body and imagine it receding into space.
   • Pantomime putting all the criticisms in a box and moving it out of the room.
   • Imagine a volume dial in your mind and see yourself turn the volume down.

 We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! 

 Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Playing Big, Tara Mohr's Women's Self-Development Book
2. Shadow Work: Benefits, How To, Practices, & Dangers 
3. The Goop Podcast - How to Defeat Your Inner Critic
4. The Science of Happiness: Episode 2: Quieting Your Inner Critic

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about the Growth Mindset.

Some deep things we cover:

1. Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset: What is the difference?
2. Neuroplasticity: Your brain has the ability to change and grow new neural pathways!
3. Watch Out For Overgeneralizations: I am terrible at math!  I suck at sports!  We’ve all said things like this to ourselves.  These overgeneralizations assume that we are innately bad at something and hinders growth.
4. The Power of Yet: Adding yet to the end of the sentence is a tried and true trick used by growth minded educators everywhere - “I can’t do that…yet.”
5. Process Phrasing vs. Noun Phrasing: Instead of “You’re so smart!” try this “I can tell you’ve spent a lot of time learning about this subject.”
6. Acknowledge and appreciate how far you have come: Don’t compare yourself to others.  Instead, think about where you started and give yourself credit for how far you’ve come and all the progress you’ve made.

Take-aways:

The Journey to a True Growth Mindset:

1. Identify the areas where you have a fixed mindset: The first step is to get out of denial and get comfortable with confession.  It’s okay.  We’re all a mixture of both fixed and growth mindsets.
2. Identify when your fixed mindset is triggered: When you feel that pit in your stomach or the lump in your throat and the negative self-talk starts…it’s a sure sign that your fixed mindset is showing up.
3. Name your fixed mindset persona: Whether it is Bossy Betty or Freaked Out Phil, we all have a fixed mindset persona that shows up. Naming her/him helps us create a little separation so we can address that inner critic and start to minimize her voice.
4. Take your persona along for the journey of growth: Okay, Freaked Out Phil, you’re coming with me!  Thank your persona for her feedback and tell her that you’re on the path towards growth so hop on or get off the train!  

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! 

Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Carol S. Dweck: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle
2. Carol Dweck || The Latest Science of Growth Mindset - The Psychology Podcast | Podcast on Spotify
3. The Happiness Lab: How to Adopt a Growth Mindset
4. The Trouble With Bright Girls | Psychology Today

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is the third episode in a series where we explore Our Complicated Relationship To Our Stuff.  Today we are closing out our series with Core Values and Gratitude.

Some deep things we cover and some take-aways:

1. Values Lists: Find a list of values and journal about which ones resonate with you.
2. Highlights and Lowlights: Think about the highlights (values expressed) and lowlights (values suppressed) in your life and see if you can identify any core values in there.
3. People You Admire: Who do you admire and what values are they expressing?  What is it about them that draws you in? 
4. Big dreams: Who do you want to become and how will your values get you there?
5. Put On Your “Perspectacles”: Make the ordinary extraordinary by shifting your perspective.
6. Be Grateful for SPECIFIC things: They can be big or small but be thankful for the specific and see how it changes your mood and your outlook on life.

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! 

Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Dare to Lead List of Values - Brené Brown
2. Take the Upgrade: 26 - Identifying Your Core Values as in Brene Brown's Dare to Lead and Listener Q&A
3. Glennon Doyle wants you to stop being grateful, thank you very much 
4. Give Me Gratitude or Give Me Debt | Momastery
5. Personal Values Assessment
6. 5 Core Values Quizzes to Identify What's Important to You
7. Episode 44: Gratitude with Omar Brownson | Simon Sinek

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is the second episode in a series where we explore Our Complicated Relationship To Our Stuff.  Today we are talking about Why We Still Want More Even Though We Already Have Too Much.

 Some deep things we cover:

1. Blame it on Evolution: Humans have a scarcity impulse and we are wired for survival.
2. Buying Feels Good: Keep the dopamine hits coming!  Buying stuff lights up the pleasure centers in our brains and we can’t get enough.
3. We Feel Special: Our inner treasure hunter feels validated when we find an item that no one else has.
4. We Seek Novelty: We get bored and often want something new to keep our lives interesting.
5. We Are Vulnerable to Advertisers: Advertisers exploit our insecurities and know how to use products to make us feel inadequate and keep us wanting more.
6. The Target Effect: You know how it is.  You go into Target for some batteries and come out with a new pair of shoes and some sunglasses.
7. Control Restoring Activities: Instead of buying something to cheer ourselves up, what alternate activities could we choose to restore control and improve our mood?
8. How Touch Impacts Our Buying: Look with your eyes, people, not with your hands!
9. What is the relationship between Bargain Shopping and Being Frugal?  We unpack how these two behaviors are NOT one and the same.

 Take-aways:

1. Understand the Deeper Why Of Your Buying Habits: 

• Do you have a strong scarcity impulse?
• Are you a dopamine fiend?  Does the rush of a purchase feel good?
• Do you like the feeling of winning?
• Do you buy because you feel sad?

Understanding the deeper why is the first step in figuring out if your purchasing habits help you get more of what you want in your life.   

2. Try to Self Regulate. Before you make a purchase, ask yourself 2 questions:

• Do I need this item?
• Will I use it in the long run?

3. You don’t have to do this alone!  Grab a friend and listen to our podcast together.  Discuss, connect and grow together and then tell us all about it.  Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Want Stuff? Why We Are Driven to Buy More | Psychology Today
2. The Psychology of Bargain Shopping | PYMNTS.com
3. Old Spice | The Man Your Man Could Smell Like
4. Why does shopping feel so good? - BBC Worklife
5. Frugal Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster
6. Extravagant Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster