That's So Deep

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is a first in a series where we explore our complicated relationship to our stuff.  Today we are talking about why we hold on to stuff and why it is so hard to let it go. 

Some deep things we cover:

1. Our Stuff Represents Memories: A loved one passing, a childhood memory, a time when you were happy.
2. Our Stuff Represents A Past Identity or a Future Self: Someone you once were or someone you hope to be.
3. Love Language of Gift Giving: Buying things for people is how you show and receive love. If you don't accept or keep the gifts then it shows disrespect and lack of gratitude.
4. Culture of Consumption: We are immersed in stuff and it is hard to avoid.
5. Money and Time: It is hard to face the money and time wasted on the things we bought.
6. Regret and Failure: Each time we see an item we no longer use, we see our own failures and poor decision making.
7. Not Wanting To Be Wasteful: Sometimes the things we have are perfectly usable even if they have been sitting on a shelf for 7 years so it feels wasteful to get rid of them.
8. Decision Fatigue and Overwhelm: Our ability to make good decisions can deteriorate over time because there is just so much to sift through.  It is easier to just shove items back in the closet than to continue.

 Take-aways:

Understand the Deeper WHY: We aren’t asking you to get rid of the items that you are holding on to but we are asking you to ask the deeper why.  

• Why are you holding on to these things?  
• Are you holding on to a past identity? 
• Do the items represent a fantasy self or a future self?  
• Do your things hold your hopes and dreams?  
• Are you not wanting to be wasteful?  
• Is it hard for you to face the time and money that you have spent on these items and you can’t quite stomach the failure?  

Understanding the deeper why is the first step in figuring out how to let things go.  Once you understand the deeper why, then you can begin asking yourself if holding on to these things align with your Core Values.  If the items don’t fit into the life you are wanting to create for yourself, then maybe it is time to graciously let them go and make space for the abundance that awaits you.

 We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! 

 Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Simply and Fiercely: https://www.simplyfiercely.com/blog/
2. Mari Kondo: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing (The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up) 
3. Maxwell Ryan: Apartment Therapy - Sample

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  Today we are CALLING ALL CONTROL FREAKS!

 Some deep things we cover:

1. What is the relationship between uncertainty and control?
2. What makes control freaks so freaky?  The answer: anxiety
3. Primary Control and Secondary Control:  Do you try to change the world to fit yourself or do you try to change yourself to fit the world?
4. How does our control make the people in our lives feel?  It makes them feel like we don’t trust them.  And if we can’t trust then how can we truly love?
5. Control vs. Surrender: AKA print out the Serenity Prayer, tape it on your mirror and recite it EVERY. DAMN. DAY.  (See resources below)

Take-aways:

1. Wait out the stress cycle instead of jumping in to control someone’s actions.  Try some of the tips on the Distress Tolerance Skills worksheet to help you get through it.
2. Remember that you have your own Thoughts, Feelings, Actions loop.  Allow others to have their own loop and allow people to go through their own process.
3. Make a Borrowed Rules list.  Do you still follow the rules you were taught?  Which rules continue to be worth following and which ones don’t?

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! 

Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Distress Tolerance Skills
2. 5 Ways to Stop Being a Control Freak | Savvy Psychologist
3. Control Freaks — Kelly Hanlin McCormick
4. Serenity Prayer Printable - Hungry Happy Home

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  Today we are: DECONSTRUCTING NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!

 Some deep things we cover:

1. Life is hard enough!  Let’s not make it harder with well intentioned but unrealistic resolutions!  Phyllis and Julie share some thoughts on reimagining the new year and setting us up for success. 
2. Go with the natural rhythms of life: Don’t go jogging in the snow if you live in the Midwest!  Maybe it’s time to hibernate and reflect.
3. Identifying our CORE VALUES and how they align with our goals.
4. Types of Resolutions: 1) Results  2) Habits  3) Holistic 4) Cessation
5. Abundance Mindset vs. Scarcity Mindset: How to let go of things to make space for what matters to us most.
6. Fresh Start Effect: It’s okay to restart as many times as you need.
7. Set Mini Goals: Focus on the next step, not the whole mountain!
8. Tweak your goals until you’re excited: Make it fun!
9. Threat goals vs. Challenge goals: Phyllis shares some stories about her demotivational parenting threats.
10. Accountability: Write your goals down or sign a social contract with a friend.  Scary but effective!

Take-aways:

This week, let’s figure out our CORE VALUES and align them with our intentions and goals.  Time to bust out the journal or go for a reflective walk!

1. Reflect upon times you felt the most joyful, alive and present.  What were you doing?  What do you think was the core value?
2. Make a list of the things you value most (core values).
3. Make some mini goals or intentions for yourself this year. 
4. Cross check with your core values.  See if they align.  If they do, great!  If they don’t, toss ‘em! 
5. Tweak your goals until they feel exciting and fun!  
6. Revisit and restart as many times as you need!

 We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! 

 Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. 004 SP Why Your New Year's Resolutions Fail (and How You Can Change the Pattern) - The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health 
2. 276 - 4 Psychology Hacks to Help You Stick to Your Goals - The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health 
3. Simply and Fiercely: https://www.simplyfiercely.com/blog/

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  Today we are having a conversation about HAVING A CONVERSATION!

Some deep things we cover:

1. Interrupting means:
   • You DON’T care: Interruptions can mean poor listening and show lack of care.
   • You DO care: In certain cultures, interruptions and overlap can show engagement and that you do care about the conversation and relationship.
2. Monologuing - When people talk AT you instead of talk TO you, it can leave you feeling used, upset and lonely.
3. Talk Time Awareness: Are you aware of how much you are talking compared to how much the other person is talking?
4. Mutual Curiosity: You can only build deeper bonds with people if there is MUTUAL curiosity and interest in one another.
5. Check-ins and Rewinds: If you find yourself talking a lot, you can always check-in and rewind.  Let your friend know you feel self conscious about talking too much and see if you can bring the focus back on them.
6. Generosity: Sometimes Phyllis’ mind is like a “disorganized house” and she finds she can be more generous in conversation when her house is in order.
7. Small Talk SUCKS! Let’s stop talking about the weather and start talking about our favorite smells! 
8. Conversations are the little knots that build the bridge of relationship: Relationships take patience and are built one conversation at a time.  
9. TMI: When is sharing too much just too much? If you experience what Brene Brown calls the “vulnerability hangover” then it is a sure sign that you have shared too much.

Take-aways:

Try having ONE good conversation with ONE person this week.  Practice the following: 

1. Ask good questions
2. Get curious
3. Bring awareness to your talk time
4. Try not to make the conversation about yourself
5. Try a wacky conversation starter: Free Gift — Awkward Silence

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! 

Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Love, 

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Glennon Doyle: We Can Do Hard Things Episode 22 | Momastery : Real Talk: How can we begin to use conversation as a key to unlocking each other?
2. Steven Benbow: 20 Benefits of Conversation — Awkward Silence
3. Adam Grant: Adam Grant Status
4. Dr. Ellen Hendrickson: How to Deal With Loneliness
5. “vulnerability hangover” - Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | TED Talk

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  In this episode, we talk about CONFLICT.  There was a lot that we covered in this episode so the list is longer than usual.  Hope you come away with some take-aways!

Some deep things we cover:

1. Phyllis sees conflict as an opportunity for connection and understanding yourself.
2. Julie is a lover not a biter: Julie talks about how she would respond when her younger sister would bite her.
3. Responding vs. Reacting: What is the difference?
4. Reconciliation: What does it mean to reconcile with a person?
5. Four Types of Conflict: Aggressive, Passive, Passive Aggressive and Assertive.  Which type are you?  Which type should we aspire to?
6. Timing is everything: Phyllis shares how her anxiety can hijack the timing of a conflict.
7. Apologies are the key to reconnecting.
8. Conflict is a skill: You can practice and get better at it.
9. Unified Detachment: Shifting our perspective from oppositional to collaborative.
10. Soft Feelings vs. Hard Feelings: Which ones do bring into a conflict?  

Take-aways:

1. Unified Detachment: Start with a shared goal.  When you are in a conflict, instead of seeing the conflict as something that is coming between you and your person, think about being on the same team and tackling it together.
2. Listen to Understand: Instead of preparing your own remarks, soften your heart and set your thoughts aside momentarily.  Be present for your person.  Try to listen to understand what they are trying to convey to you.  
3. Choose Words that are Worthy of the Light of Day: It's hard to filter when you are in the heat of the moment but take the time to find words that communicate your feelings but also honor the relationship.  It's hard to un-say words once they are said.  

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it! 

Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, FOLLOW US, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming,

Phyllis and Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. How to Stop Avoiding Conflict | Savvy Psychologist
2. Unified Detachment: UNHEALTHY CONFLICT VS. HEALTHY CONFLICT
3. Reconciliation Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster
4. We Can Do Hard Things Episode 07 - FIGHTING WELL
5. Armored Versus Daring Leadership - Brené Brown
6. Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is the second of a two part episode on BOUNDARIES and PEOPLE PLEASING.  If you missed the first episode on BOUNDARIES, feel free to go back and listen to it.  In today’s episode, we tackle the topic of PEOPLE PLEASING.  

Some deep things we cover:

1. What is People Pleasing? - Phyllis and Julie discuss whether or not they are people pleasers.  Any guesses? 
2. Back Talk vs. Self Advocacy - How Phyllis allows her kids to negotiate with her and sometimes has flexible boundaries.
3. Being honest vs. making excuses - Why do we do that?  
4. Phyllis and Julie go through 10 Signs You're a People-Pleaser (Psychology Today) - See if you relate!  Find out which mannerism Julie has picked up from Phyllis :) 
5. False Choice - Dry hamburger or refreshing sushi?  How false choice sets us up to become people pleasers.
6. Borrowed Beliefs - Uncovering how much of our childhood and adulthood is about pleasing our parents and learning how to find out who we are and what we want as humans.

Take-aways:

Beliefs List - Take a piece of paper and divide it into 3 columns.  In the first column, write down BORROWED BELIEFS.  In the second column write down DEVELOPING BELIEFS. And in the third, write down ACTUAL BELIEFS.  Take a moment to think about the beliefs you were raised with and write them down in the first column.  Now, think about your actual beliefs that you hold true for yourself and write them down in the third column.  And for any beliefs that are still evolving, write those down in the second column.  What did you learn about yourself while doing this exercise?  Were there any surprises?  Call us or write to us and let us know!

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it! 

Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Yours in Becoming, 

Phyllis and Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. People pleaser Definition & Meaning from Merriam Webster.
2. “Thank you for waiting” vs. “I’m sorry I’m late”: We pulled this idea from Kristen Bell and Monica Padman’s podcast called We Are Supported By.  
3. Disappointing ourselves or disappointing others: Glennon Doyle has very developed and thoughtful ideas surrounding disappointment.  You can hear more of her thoughts on her podcast We Can Do Hard Things.
4. 10 Signs You're a People-Pleaser: This is the article from Psychology Today that we were referencing.

Hello So Deep Peeps!  

Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  In this episode, we tackle the topic of BOUNDARIES.  This is the first of a two part episode so stay tuned for our next episode where we talk about BOUNDARIES and PEOPLE PLEASING!  

Some deep things we cover:

1. Where did Phyllis and Julie first learn about boundaries and personal space? Julie discusses what it was like growing up in a big family and sharing one bathroom.  Phyllis shares some cultural values of growing up with parents who immigrated from Hong Kong.
2. How do Phyllis and Julie define boundaries?  
3. What is a “one-sided friendship”?  And how do boundaries come into play?  
4. Phyllis comes to the defense of nurturers.  Why it is hard to have boundaries when you’re a nurturing person.
5. What are our non-negotiable boundaries?  Phyllis discusses what a non-negotiable boundary looks like surrounding conversation about her daughter’s body.

Take-aways:

1. Think about what your “non-negotiable” boundaries are and write them down.  Why are these your non-negotiables?
2. Think about what your more “flexible” boundaries are and write them down.  Why are you willing to be more flexible surrounding these boundaries?

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it! 

Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, give us a LIKE or a SHARE and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Love,

Phyllis and Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. 10 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries by Nicole Arzt, LMFT

Hello So Deep Peeps!  
And welcome to Part 2 of SELF CARE.  In this episode, we go one layer deeper and begin to explore the reason behind our need for self care.  

Some deep things we cover:

1. Why do we need self care to begin with? Phyllis and Julie unpack the concepts of  “mental load” and “invisible labor”. 
2. Why do we so often choose efficiency over community? 
3. When we make our work look effortless, it erases our labor: How can we make the invisible labor visible to our partners and our family in a constructive way?
4. Do the same dynamics pop up in a same sex marriage?  Julie shares her experience with her partner Amy.
5. Is it meal planning or is it nutritional management? Phyllis takes a deep dive into her children’s preferences for how they like their broccoli prepared.
6. Self Care and Privilege: Is self care only afforded to those who can afford it?

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it! 

 Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, give us a LIKE or a SHARE and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  

We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Love,

Phyllis and Julie

Things we referenced in the episode:

1. Octonauts - The Midnight Zone | Full Episodes | Cartoons for Kids: My kids love this show and this particular episode references the midnight zone.
2. You should've asked by Emma is an excellent comic that helps explain the “mental load.”  
3. What Is The Mental Load? Women's Invisible Labor
4. Stop Calling Women Nags — How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality
5. The term “emotional labor” was first coined by sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild in her book The Managed Heart by Arlie Russell Hochschild - Paperback
6. The Tyranny and Misogyny of Meal Planning - by Virginia Sole-Smith - Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-Smith
7. Dude Perfect: My kids love this show with these 5 fun-loving friends who do trick shots and engage in all sorts of silliness.  

In this episode, Phyllis and Julie discuss the topic of SELF CARE.  We thought this topic deserved more than one episode so this is Part 1.  Next week, we will continue our conversation on self care but with a different twist.

 **TW: Julie talks briefly about the passing of a pet in this episode.  Take care of yourself if you have experienced this recently and are not ready to hear this episode.** 

Some deep things we cover:

1. Phyllis’ love/hate relationship with the term “self care”: Just add it to the list of things I am failing at...sigh.
2. How “self care” has become about our “outsides” and not our “insides” 
3. Self Care looks different for everyone and changes from season to season
4. Healthy Habits: Could this be the rebrand of self care?
5. We love you.  We see you.  You matter.  Period.

We want to have a conversation with you!

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it! 

 Here is how you can reach us:

Voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email: [email protected]

If you liked this podcast, give us a LIKE or a SHARE and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode drops.  

We love you and can’t wait for our next deep conversation!

Love,

Phyllis and Julie

Things we referenced in the episode:

1. Fitbit: We would seriously love for you to sponsor us, Fitbit :)
2. 21 days to form a habit...Myth Busted! We mentioned this in the podcast but then fact checked ourselves.  The long and short of it is that it takes 21 days “minimum” to form a habit and most people conveniently drop that “minimum” part...as did we!  To learn more, link to this article from Refinery 29: https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2020/01/9183127/21-day-rule-form-a-habit-in-21-days

In this episode, Phyllis and Julie discuss the topic of FRIENDSHIP!  It's a big topic so we don't cover everything but we do get to some deep things.  

SOME DEEP STUFF WE DISCUSS:

1. Holding space for friends: What does that mean?  How do we do it?
2. Advice giving: When is it appropriate?  Is it ever appropriate?
3. The Upstairs and Downstairs part of the brain: How to be a good friend by bringing your friend a blanket when they’re stuck in the basement of their brains.
4. People are sparkly disco balls: How social media can fool us into thinking we are seeing “whole” people.

WE WANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU:

The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it!  Here is how you can reach us:

Leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884

Email us: [email protected]

We would love to hear from you!  Thank you so much for spending time with us.  We are grateful for you.  Give us a LIKE and a SHARE if you enjoyed our time together!

Love,
Phyllis and Julie

Notes: 

1. Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by: Dr. Vivek Murthy
2. Listen to Glennon Doyle’s Podcast “We Can Do Hard Things” anywhere you get podcasts.
3. The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.