You might find this weird, but our little village has two Main Streets.

The brothers who founded the town had a falling out, and each built a Main Street.

So if you're looking for something on Main Street, you might need to walk over to Main Street.

We call them Benson's Goods and Mortimer's Bar, based on the grocery and the bar on those streets.

Main and Main is easy enough to find, that's where the village hall is.

And Winston Park.

As opposed to the other Winston Park.

(Which is further down Main Street... no, the other Main Street.)

I'm scheduled for major dental surgery next week, so I looked over the suggested foods list, removed the ones that aren't good for my other health issues, and went to the grocery store.

Milk, apple sauce, popsicles, soups, mashed potatoes, and other foods that are soft and mushy and cold.

Well, the soup will be cold after I cook it and then chill it.

When I got to the car, I realized I hadn't gotten pudding.

Do I go back in?

No way. I'll look like an idiot.

So, I went to the grocery store across the street for it.

I'm careless and stupid, and I don't stick to diets and exercise plans well.

Getting a cashback card for restaurants year-round was a huge mistake.

I go from size 36 jeans to size 42 and back again almost annually.

Since I don't have much closet space, I end up donating the ill-fitting jeans in Christmas drives.

At this rate, half the Houston homeless population wears my pants.

Well, the slightly overweight to very overweight average-height homeless guys.

I'm not a midget or a whale, you know.

I just feel like a whale... when the size 42s feel a bit tight.

Richard

Serendipidy

Lizzie

Duane

Norval Joe

Scribbling Wren

Planet Z

RICHARD

Speed

The blue lights in my rear-view mirror weren't exactly unexpected.

Sighing, I pulled over, wound down my window, and waited for the inevitable.

"Any idea why I've stopped you, sir?"

"I'm sorry" I said, "I know I was speeding, I'm late for an interview and thought I'd take a chance."

He seemed pleasantly surprised I'd 'fessed up, and following the obligatory breath test, which was negative, gave me the obligatory lecture and ticket.

With a final "Drive carefully, sir", he let me go.

Honesty is always the best policy. Especially when you’ve a dead body stashed in the back!

SERENDIPIDY

Physics is important!

For example -terminal velocity: The maximum speed you'll attain before you slam into the ground at over a hundred miles per hour. You'll reach that in less than ten seconds.

Knowing that, I just need to find a good, high, cliff to throw you off. No need for the hassle and expense of chartering a plane and bribing the pilot, in fact, nobody else would ever need to know.

That's apart from you, of course.

But, by the time you've figured out what I'm doing, you'll have less than ten seconds to think about it.

Happy landings!

LIZZIE

It was great to live in a remote village. No hurry. No stress. And no pollution, they told him, a stern look on their faces. He got rid of the car, of course. He wouldn't want to antagonize the villagers. One day, he dropped a knife on his foot (don't ask) and there was no doctor close by. It looked bad... He wrapped his foot up and they said "take this, it's fast". Well... not. The darn moped died three times on him. And when he reached the doctor, there was an odd bird hopping behind him. No stress, huh?

DUANE

“Test of the new light-speed drive is ready to commence. May what we accomplish today be a testament to the ingenuity of all humankind. Coordinates locked in and we are awaiting your command, sir”

“Engage.”

“We over shot the planet by half a parsec, sir. Adjusting for time differential. New coordinates locked in. Awaiting command.”

“Engage.”

“Ok, that was a bit much the other direction. Adjusting. I have new coordinates locked. Awaiting comm…”

“ENGAGE!”

“Uh, just a little further and we should be near the planet. New coordinates are locked and ready, sir. Sir? I’ll just go ahead and engage.”

NORVAL JOE

The bully didn't see Billbert flying toward him as he concentrated on throttling Sabrina. Billbert hit him, side on, at full speed, yanking his grip free from Sabrina's throat.

"Get out of here," Billbert yelled at the girls as he and the bully tumbled across grass, away from the sidewalk.

Sabrina didn't waste any time and ran back toward the school office.

Linoliamanda stood there, looking confused.

Knowing the element of surprise would wear off, and the bully would pulverize him, Billbert ran to Linoliamanda, grabbed her around the waist, levitated a few inches and shot back down the street.

SCRIBBLING WREN

I believe...

Reuben had been working on his project since March. He was about to prove that Father Christmas was a hoax. It was the big night, Christmas Eve, all quiet in the house except a little mouse stirring his midnight cup of tea.

Reuben had fallen asleep but the Spy Cam was set up and trained on the Fireplace, where a pair of boots appeared and then the man himself.

With a brisk efficiency Santa drained the sherry glass, enjoyed the mince pie, stashed presents in stockings, straightened a picture, deleted the evidence off the camera and returned up the chimney.

PLANET Z

Every few months, I clean out the vacuum cleaner.

No, not the bags... it's a bagless vacuum.

And I empty out the vacuum's container after every use.

I clean out the agitator bristles and rollers, cutting tangled threads,

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

Every week, I post a topic for the Weekly Challenge, where you come up with the stories and I collect them up and share them.

Want to give it a try? The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is PICK TWO Put that thing down, Spycam, Pew, Evidence, March, Thick

Write a 100 word story on that topic. Then, send it in an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following:

The text of your story.

A topic or topics for future Weekly Challenges.

A website where people can learn more about you and your writing, include the URL to that website.

A recording of your story. Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.

https://oneadayuntilthedayidie.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/thenexttopicisCHRISTMAS2022.mp3

I put the episode together on Sunday morning. But, if you need more time, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always... keep it brief.

JAN 1 Horror on the subway!

JAN 8 Exposed

JAN 15 Your honor

JAN 22 Diet

JAN 29 Point, Heat, Carrots, Rust, Wafer-thin, Creep

FEB 5 Superhero

FEB 12 Host

FEB 19 Scroll

FEB 26 Style, Figure, Balance, Schism, Flower basket, Double

MAR 5 Range

MAR 12 Together

MAR 19 Block

MAR 26 Cracked pavement, Double dip, Goth, Educator, Overheating, Metrics

APR 2 Shenanigans

APR 9 Blinded

APR 16 As far as the eye can see

APR 23 Intake

APR 30 Forward, Oblique, Exterior, Black hole, Videotape, Stakes

MAY 7 Satisfied

MAY 14 Collection

MAY 21 Frozen in time

MAY 28 Recovery, Falling, Rotten egg, Some guy/girl I met online, Hopeless, Fog a mirror

JUN 4 Moisture

JUN 11 Stand

JUN 18 Canyon

JUN 25 Reviewal, Painfully shy, Rats, Translation, Crack of dawn, Shine

JUL 2 Old Videos

JUL 9 Riot of color

JUL 16 Split

JUL 23 Potato eyes

JUL 30 Photograph, Buttery, Tramlines, Vast, Unit, Trying

AUG 6 It's a dirty job

AUG 13 Fine

AUG 20 Overhead

AUG 27 Why should I?, Rhymes with..., Grasp, Heinz 57, Loop, Unleashed

SEP 3 Mass

SEP 10 Mustard yellow

SEP 17 Basic

SEP 24 Opportunity, ABC, Thermostat, Diddums, Sponsor, Old Master

OCT 1 Afford

OCT 8 Blue sky

OCT 15 Part

OCT 22 Rat stew

OCT 29 Points, Vision, Fuel, It's a pattern, Cheers, Refreshment

NOV 5 Detail

NOV 12 Stolen

NOV 19 Bread

NOV 26 Brand awareness, Lot, Random, Envision, Dozen, Secretary

DEC 3 Contact lens

DEC 10 Trailers

DEC 17 Eaten by lions

DEC 24 The lion that ate cherries

DEC 31 Aurora, Hard to believe, Contribution, Crew cut, Dealers, Dirty

Pillows

Pester

Crack

Bookcase

Verdict

Sprint

Crisp

Vulgar

Pregnant

Position

Benefits

Car crash

Free gift

Long live The King

Hit

Scribble

France

Waterfall

Across

You'll never believe...

Register

Stations

Urge

Infinitesimal

Scratch

Signal

Broken dreams

Arcade

Values

Total security

Train

Still

Officer down

Random Action

One two three...

Pure

You never know

Outsider

Has-beens

All our tomorrows

Express

In my hand

Expected

Cut and dried

Desiccation

Blocker

Blood is thicker than water

Shark

Plain

Spread

Semantics

Cheers

Pots and pans

Landslide

Fret

Crystal

Sponsor

Screen

Red wine

Pebbles

Shiny

A monkey's wedding

Footlights

Listen

Birthday cake

Now and then

Cat's pajamas

Rose

Role model

Beep

Curious

No annual contract

Conference

Ballet

Unsafe

Package

Icing on the cake

Wasp

Lost in translation

Incapable

Wish

Chainsaw

Too long

Full of

Finding

Banana split

Classical music

Throwaway

Flight

Once more, with passion!

Blood pressure

Engine

Roast

Safe

Blood test

Mind

Scorpion

Walking on eggshells

Turn

High pitched

News

Craftsmanship

Arrested

Mister Right

Gift card

Thousand

Silly hat

Brave

The old classic

Challenge

Passed out

Visual

It's me

Clinic

Postal bomb

Cork

Teach

Comments

Taradiddle

Aviator

Caught in time

I don't understand why a judge's office is called chambers.

Everybody else's office is called an office.

Why not call it the judge's office?

And besides, the judge only has one office, so why not call it a chamber?

It sounds like some Dungeons and Dragons kind of thing, a chamber. A creepy chamber.

Like the judge is a monster, and the adventuring party is sneaking in to kill it and steal its gold.

Maybe that's what they do in the chambers... they fight to try to steal the judge's gold.

No wonder why they bring their briefcases with them.

I've been having gastro issues for a week or so, and after a runaround by the clinic, I've gotten a virtual visit, some bloodwork done, and an ultrasound scheduled to check out my organs.

But in order to have the ultrasound scans, I can't eat or drink anything after midnight.

What am I, a gremlin? You can't feed me after midnight or I'll turn into an evil version of myself?

I guess I can go take a hot shower before the exam... and as the water hits my skin, it begins to bubble and pop out little balls of fur.

The truth is, Frosty the Snowman doesn’t really need that magician’s top hat to come alive.

If you look closely in Frosty’s mouth, you’ll find a holy scroll commanding him to life.

Consecrated by an old rabbi from Warsaw, it wills the snow to follow its master’s commands.

Unlike the Golem of Prague, Frosty does not go out and murder the community’s enemies.

Instead, he plays with children every winter and lives with Santa at the North Pole the rest of the year.

Sometimes, Santa ponders stuffing his Naughty List in Frosty’s mouth.

Sure would beat a lump of coal.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate.

He gave red Santa caps to all of his shipmates.

"It's Christmas," said George. "It'll help us get into the holiday spirit."

He also decorated the mast and rigging with strings of colored lights.

You'd think that this would make it hard for the pirates to sneak up on their intended prey.

But other vessels thought that George's ship was some kind of Goodwill donation vessel.

And instead of plundering and looting, George's men asked for donations to poor orphans.

"Well, most of us were orphans," whispered George, winking.

These days, if you really need to abandon a baby, you are supposed to do it at a fire station or a police station.

You're not supposed to toss them in a dumpster or leave them in the bathroom at the junior prom.

And you're especially not supposed to leave them in a Christmas manger scene in front of City Hall.

Not only is it dangerous out there, with wild dogs and coyotes, but it's probably going to be really cold out there in December.

Unless it's Florida. Then it might be warm.

For the newborn baby. And the alligators.