👀The More You Know, The More You Know.

This is Part 1 (extended article). Let’s talk about…

* ❤️‍🩹How people can heal over Attachment wounds (disorganized, anxious….)

* 😫How some may be “getting worse” or not any better (part 2 coming)

* 🥇Why relationships are like a 3 Legged Race

* 🧐Compatibility V.S. Emotional Maturity

* 🏁Why emotional maturity is relationship glue

* 😵‍💫Anddd Neurological wiring, 📍“Emotional Borders”, and when it’s believed to start forming.

Relationships are a 3-Legged Race🥇

📋To keep (secure, reciprocal) relationships going, we….**

* Have to want to work on repair and grow together🕊️

* Have to want to try to understand and respect each other (and our needs)🙏🏼

* We have autonomy over our decisions and our chapters🌺; having outside relationships and hobbies- the opposite of codependency, not restricting individuals of their choices or trying to control their actions or behaviors

**Compatibility V.S. Emotional Maturity

📊There’s other factors that affect compatibility in our relationships. But that's not the same as emotional maturity.🧐

𐄷 We’re sticking with emotional-maturity-level themes because if we don’t have these “basics”✅, we won’t have strong enough glue to hold the connection together, even if we have the same values, beliefs, personalities, hobbies...

⏳🏁how many hours we have worked together, how much we both love baseball, that we belong to the same religious organization,🎙️ that we have the same political opinion, or love singing duet-karaoke together…🎤

Can’t make up the emotional distance in relationships.

Meeting each other on the same Maturity Wavelength where both our (or all parties) needs are being met is necessary for healthy relationships. **

📍Stuck in Arizona, and Can’t Cross the Border

🗺️Many people on the planet do not have what they need to cross their emotional borders. (😵‍💫neurological wiring (attachment theory) is known for beginning in childhood, but is now believed to be formed in trimesters before birth, taking on the attachment of the mother— some doctors believe neurological wiring really is formed before that, at the time of the mother’s (or mother’s mothers) birth. (how interesting is that🤓)

🧰 A great way of testing this in real time, is speaking your mind— Speaking out loud can help us judge if we are in a safe dynamic for ourselves.

🌷🧠this is called Theory of Mind ( Cognitive Behavioral Therapy )** :

Whether or not we have the ability to process and understand our feelings and thoughts (and others) quickly in real time and is crucial for building credibility in relationships because it creates continuity or alignment with our thoughts and actions in real time.

(**CBT- is getting aware of our current thoughts, discussing and writing them out, and facing our fears head on and doing what scares us—

Dr. David Burns has great examples in the book When Panic Attacks — he gives many situations of people struggling with lifelong phobias and traumas holding them back and healing themselves with the new perspectives, journalling and emotional processing tools he’d recommend.** )

Thank you for reading!

Part 2 is Ignoring Emotional/ Intuitive Integrity— shorter article, but longer podcast.

Ashley Reilly

Hello, have you missed me, missed all my emails??

I feel like I have been gone forever.

I feel life experiences are oftentimes a great mirror for what we need to be focusing on or somewhere we need to sharpen our skillsets, or somewhere where we need to dust out the cobwebs per se and bring in new energy.

I have hesitated coming back because I am apprehensive on what I am going to say: I feel like since I have been young I have always had experiences that shook my relationships or showed me I had different values or beliefs than others, and sometimes that makes me want to censor myself.

But… when I watch documentaries, I am pretty good at guessing behavior and tendencies and I remember I can predict behavior of some of my relatives so well it seems like I am psychic. (meditation really helps to tap into intuition)

But really it is that I don’t see any coincidences, only connections and intentions, typically from insecurities, when it comes to human behavior.

So, when people show you who they are, believe them like they say.

Anywayss, let’s get into some happier talk about how….

* I am feeling focused on moving forward, planning for the year

* I was excusing or rationalizing resentment I had for literally almost a year

* Resentment or hate can feel like healthy boundaries, but… it’s not

* The more painful something is, the better it is that we set it down and let go of resentment

* Talking about and sharing feelings or thinking out loud can give some perspective on what we may want in the relationship or areas we may be subconsciously feeling we’re lacking within ourselves

* It’s your decision to make for what the best kinds of relationships are for you and what feels healthy for you.

* Very importantly, Im super grateful for the incredible people in my life, and anyone supporting me here, reading any of my articles, or listening to the podcast; thank you so much for your time.♥️

Thank you for reading,

Ashley Reilly

⚠️We are harmed by people who harm themselves and don’t know it

🧲🧠The brain takes on other people’s beliefs of us when we hear them (subconsciously)

🧐🤨Correct people and tell them when they’re doing something wrong

🧐🤔🤕😁Reflect back on conversations and think about what was said and how it made you feel

Thanks for reading The Accountabilityy Hour! This post is public, share it with others here.♥️

6 Boundaries I am Bringing into 2026:

* 🧘‍♀️more time connecting with myself

* 😴taking on more rest, less stress

* 🤐Not overexplainging myself when I set a boundary

* 📚More reading

The Accountabilityy Hour is a reader-supported publication. Become a subscriber♥️

* 🛑🙈Not taking on or handling other’s emotional labor (when people are stressed, when they’re anxious, allow them to experience it)

* 📉🧌🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️Not over-entertaining individuals who disrespect or don’t value me. (When other’s don’t believe in themselves, they won’t have capacity to believe in you, and you end up taking on negative/false beliefs about who you are when you’re around them)

Thank you for reading!🤎💛

➡️ If something has resonated with you, 📣please leave a comment, 🗣️send me a message, 💖 or share this post and my publication with others!

Much Love,

Ashley

Everybody Gets Hurt with Excuses🤕

Excuses!📋 Probably my favorite and least-favorite word of all time, we have a hate-love relationship.🙂 Excuses are a slippery slope, and they often come in packs and pairs.🛝. ( plus Happy Holidays🎄🎁♥️)

We’re touching on….

* how excuses often sound reasonable📌

* or sounds like something from a movie, or a story you’ve already heard before 📺

* how excuses make you do the work, while some else does nothing😴

* how excuses help others break our boundaries😤

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It’s Always "They Don’t Have a Job, a Car” or “They’re Going Through a Hard Time”…⏳

Excuses for poor behavior = more poor behavior😵

* it’s our data that someone is not showing up accountable📓

* we choose to hold people accountable

* we teach and tell people how to treat us🫂

* we move forward when we’re not currently in alignment with other’s values

* how you should continue on regardless of other’s excuses or your own fears

It’s healthy to grieve what we have lost, the dreams for a relationship and who we wish someone really is…💔 However, people are the sum of their actions or excuses😳 That’s why it’s healthy to create distance with people who make you do their labor and make excuses.🗺️

Much Love,

Ashley

Sippin on Straight Chlorine…⚠️

* You don’t need a diagnosis to know someone is dangerous or unhealthy: your gut knows.🐞

* It is not just people in documentaries that are harmful📺: it is often the people in our lives that are not willing to listen to your feelings or consider how they’re affecting you☠️

A Jar of Hearts…🫙

Narcissists are….

* often the most interesting, attractive and harmful individuals in the room.😏

* They ask you intimate, interesting questions about your life, what you’re up to and how your family is👀

* or they do not like listening to you or getting into deep convos🙉

* They often have good values. 💛

* They feel bad and have empathy for others and other’s hardships😭 (and, you, too! sometimes.)😏🙃

* they adore and take good care of your pets 🐕🐾 (unfortunately, they’ll hardly lift a finger for you😴; possibly a pocketbook or an inauthentic gift on a good day.)🤑

* they’re often hardworking, creative, intelligent: top of their class, best at their job, “smartest in the room”

* They may have your coffee and favorite food order memorized🫖

* or they cannot remember what you like no matter how many times you’ve told them🤔🙄

Another One Bites The Personality…🔂

Personality is not simple to change. 😵‍💫

Like, you probalby benefit off of your bubbly, focused, calm personality.🫧

People reallyy like you!👯‍♀️

So, you probably don’t want to change your personality too much🥸

and neither does someone with narcissistic behavior because their personality benefits them.🧠

And, who likes to change things so they are doing more work and getting less benefit? Probably not many… Not super appealing!😕

You’re better off, I’m Glad Their Gone… because…🙅‍♀️

* you are negatively affected by individuals who are not emotionally available

* you are likely physically affected:

* not cutting your hair💇🏻‍♂️

* not putting effort into your looks 💅

* not spending time with friends and family🏜️

* you will likely take on shame and negative beliefs because of the trauma from the relationship😤

* when someone puts you down, says you dont matter, you will take on the beliefs that you don’t matter and you do not have value🐭

* you dont want people to notice you, you’re trying to blend into the background😶‍🌫️

* you struggle growing in your career or being promoted quickly 😒

* or struggle advocating for yourself with others, telling people you want more money or more support or more of your needs met than is currently being offered 😔

* or you won’t go out or have fun without feeling guilty or give yourself grace with mistakes because you’ve been conditioned to feel horrible about your actions and yourself.😣

* Most importantly, you deserve a happy, growing, healing relationship away from toxic individuals so you can flourish💜🌺

Right Where You Left Me….🗺️

People showing up with narcissistic personality behavior will show up complacent in one way or another like…

* how they refuse to spend time with your family🥳

* they consistently lie about themselves (or others) or only have a million reasons for their own poor behavior

* refusing to exercise, go to therapy, take care of themselves

* probably hate their dentist, their doctor, one of their best friends or their neighbor and certainly cant be reasoned with by expert info, or any common sense to change the situation or relationship

* only personal experiences shape their beliefs

* ie: they feel theyre always unrecognized and left out in the cold

* or they feel it is someone else’s fault or due to painful experiences they are the way they are and they way they are supposed to stay

* they always know what is best

* refusing to spend time out in public or with your friends 🍽️

* they want you all to themselves (all the time)⛓️

* they are probably tracking your location📍 and expect you to always show up on time ⏰

* invading your privacy :

* going through your phone, your mail, your journals,

* needing to have a say over or having an opinion of all your relationships (you can’t have any by yourself, sorry, no autonomy, ok?)

* they probably want to make decisions for you and NOT with you like…

* bringing home people or animals without asking

* buying cars, extravagent gifts, vacations without consideration for your wants/needs

* telling you how to speak with other people about them or your relationship or asking you frequently (surveillancing) how you feel about them, if you think positively of them or negatively

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Baby, Run.🏁

* You will always have to adjust and devalue yourself around people who don’t respect you.

* Your subconscious knows you very well, and when you are unhappy and settling whether or not you admit it. 💔

* These relationships create unncessary stress to your nervous system 👵🏻👴🏻 (aka speeds up sickness, and creates autoimmune and other diseases)

* literally affects your entire family dynamic, how you show up in realtionships and for yourself, and your life purpose

* Most importantly, you deserve a happy, growing, healing relationship away from toxic individuals so you can flourish💜🌺

**Can youuu tell I love talking about thiss subject? If you’re feeling the headings are random, theyre all song title inspired.🙃

Does this sound like anyone you know or have experienced?

These are only a few examples of how narcissistic personality behavior shows up, and is discussed to show examples of deception with insecure individuals so you can consider and be made aware of the effects of dangerous relationships and the options of safe decisions for yourself and your well being . It is not to demonize or hate individuals or belittle their experience or personality🧂**

Thank you for reading🤎

Ashley

Childhood Classroom Beliefs

Let’s talk about….

* how shame creeps up in seemingly harmless experiences

* how it shaped my school experiences, attitudes and beliefs about myself

* Also, how casually I absorbed negative beliefs about the effects of crying

* and most importantly, how I let go of the belief in present time and detached it from my identity.✨

The Many Layers of Shame

There’s so many situations where shame can be created and it will be unique to you, your feelings, your experiences.

What damages one may not damage another: we all have different needs and desires and issues to repair, so it’s important to think of your own personal experiences where words or actions had really hurt or upset you.

“Rewiring” aka Creating Positive Beliefs about Ourselves

Rewiring the brain, Healing ourselves, is faster and easier than it sounds.

It’s looking at how badly experiences have truly damaged us so we can move on and take the good from the situation.

It sounds a bit strange: the pain fades away if you look and admit how bad it was? Absolutely.

(This is a common CBT Therapy concept: Dr. David Burns (I love the book When Panic Attacks) is my favorite for this work: especially anxiety, depression, fears… he has a podcast and free tools here) (I love the book When Panic Attacks; his books are thick but extremely thorough)

Treating Sickness so it Doesn’t Get Worse

The same idea that applies when you’re sick, you probably treat yourself for not feeling well, applies here! ❤️‍🩹

Emotional and psychological pain is no different. (this concept applies to many situations: dont avoid things you want and need to change in order to make yourself happy🎈)

When old negative beliefs come to mind and we start to shame, we can pause on our thoughts, because we are:

* breathing deeply & moving slow🧘

* aware of our thoughts🧠

* asking if these thoughts are true or helpful or generous

* (if the answer is no, it’s time to toss it 🗑️)

The negativity fog can start to lift of “Im not treating myself nicely, and it’s time to be kind to myself.” Sometimes that means I need to cry and really grieve this belief of myself that I have been carrying around which I am letting go of.

All this to say, you can create positive beliefs any time shame or negative thoughts come up for you.🤍

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The Best Way to Heal is the Way you Feel is Best

Give yourself grace. 🕊️

This is a basic personal reflection, and I want to address not all things can be healed in the same ways or needs more serious work, and healing is normally emotionally exhausting.

If you don’t feel you can apply these steps and feel like you’re suffering with negative and persistent thoughts, it’s important to reach out to loved ones, doctors, care team, healers and therapy you trust so you are receiving all the care and support you require and would like to have, because you are the most important.

Healing is a complex process and however feels best to you is the best way to go about it, and issues often need multiple tools to heal.🩵

Give yourself Grace, this winter, and everyday. 🤍

Much Love,

Ashley

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Let’s talk about….

* Setting 3 gentle intentions/goals for December (& leading into the New Year🎇)

* Uncomfortable conversations, and correcting people verbally in real time so it is not taken on as a new belief.

* How insecure people spin us off of our path 🙃

* And more boundaries, of course!

Gentle December🤍

* Now’s the best time to be present! 🎁

* As well as giving yourself grace during the Winter;

* to slow down and restore your energy for all the movement to come in the new year.

And, of course let me know your thoughts!

Much Love,

Ashley

I’m not going to Type on and on….

Because I dont feel this will be the last time boundaries will be discussed, so later we can talk about….

* applying boundaries (with yourself & especially with family, or in highly emotional or heated conversations)

* and, why we dont have boundaries or are struggling to keep the boundaries consistent or ongoing

* andd examples of boundaries in other kinds of relationships/ formal or casual conversations

* anddd there’s really sooo much to talk about with boundaries imo.

(Not Helping the Naughty List 🍭 def relates to boundaries…)

Sooo, to put it 🪩 superr plainly right now:

* Creating boundaries protects our physical emotional & mental well-being.

* Boundaries can change at any time when you feel safe to do so🧡 (or holding them firm because that feels safe for you. 🫶🏼)

* Boundaries are something to implement (use, apply) all the time you feel the need to no matter if others have difficult emotions or are upset to what you’re saying.

(I recorded this on November 23rd, so it touches on what we focus on in order to be safe and keep ourselves comfortable in our relationships.)

Thanks for coming!

Much Love,

Ashley

Happy November 23rd!💫 Let’s talk about….🪶

* how we view other individuals based on our fears that come up time to time🍂

* showing up as our “own parent”: thinking about why painful memories of our past bothered us and shape how we feel💞

* Leaving people when they’re at “ the ground floor”🐜

* (when people are not fully connected with themselves emotionally or their feelings, create space in the relationship)🕊️

* first step is feeling our emotions: get them on the table so we can dig deeper into the insecurities underneath that are not true but are holding us back 🏔️

* (Part 2 🔜 we’ll go into: what we are looking for 👀with people who are not showing up vulnerably⚠️, feeling out situations and how you know where you stand in relationships🌿, how can the dynamics change 🍭 and setting boundaries🚧)

Getting your Feelings Out on the Table 💝 (showing up emotionally available, honest etc)

Share with people what you’re comfortable with and where you stand so you’re keeping yourself safe in your relationships.🧡

* Get curious with yourself, and get curious with others🤔 🕊️

* so we can show up for ourselves better🦋

* say how you really feel about things so you are saying your boundaries💫📓

* (ex: do people sometimes predict your behavior or reactions better than you do? we may need to sit with emotions and process them with issues or fears coming up after they come up👀)

Andddd more, a part 2 because I am just scratching the surface.

Thanks for coming!

Much Love,

Ashley

This is a simple, but sinister one! 🍭☠️🎁🧶

Codependency👯: some statistics state 90% of the population in the U.S. is codependent, in codependent relationships with their partners, families, etc…

The sinister part ☠️ is we adjust our behavior to this naughty person subconsciously, without knowing we are doing it. And this effects our lives, however, if we don’t see it🔎 we won’t know it is there🤷‍♂️

This helps them keep behaving inappropriately,

and you are probably pulling out your hair 🫣 drinking shots and cocktails 🍸 stressing 😵‍💫 over controlling their behavior to be easy-going, normal. 🙃

( the behavior won’t ever change 🛑 until everyone is being honest & these actions and behaviors are addressed- this person needs a firm stand, but we will get to this…)

It’s a Relationship Addiction 💊

This is a form of addiction, it’s kinda hush-hush. However, detrimental to you showing up living your best, shackle-free life. **And we are confusing love for pity or rescuing the person, our self-worth is dependent on caring for others (we are a savior, a fixer, a superhero…)**

Codependency is something I have experienced myself in relationships in some degree or another, and it’s exhausting. It lead to resentment because I was taking on someone else’s baggage, their lack of boundaries or lack of getting to know themselves. I would in turn feel drained, would not put in the time for myself that I needed because all my energy was being poured into my partner who would seem to unravel if I turned my back.🧶

Does this sound familiar? Something you are or have experienced or like a relationship you know?💡 you should share this with them, they can’t fix 🛠️what they don’t know is broken.

I can tell you: it’s exhausting showing up, all the time in your relationship appeasing someone because they seem to be too fragile or not capable to handle their own emotions or problems or create boundaries on their own, stand up for themselves. This resentment in the relationship builds up towards your partner not showing up for themselves and their emotions, not taking control of their life and problems. Not to mention all the time and energy spent into managing someone else and not ourself.

Codependency has ended many of my relationships because relationships are a two part dance. If your partner is going to show up and step on your toes and trip you while you’re holding them up it is time to go 🚪 and take a break off of the dance floor, and eventually go find another partner. 🕺

If your partner or loved one is ⚠️ not taking a good look at what is hurting them and holding them back in their life⚠️, they will always drag you down to make up the difference.🧮 Someone has to be doing the emotional work and it will fall on you and you won’t be satisfied in the relationship because you cannot do the emotional labor for others, you can’t heal them they have to choose to heal themselves. 📓🕊️

The people you love that are hurting have to heal themselves.

They have to figure out they are valuable and worthy of a healthy relationship. Another person cannot give this to us, we have to give ourselves 🎁 this belief, create it by knowing our worth and making sure we are thinking and creating positive thoughts about ourself. And if we have someone there coddling us, tucking us in at night, we will never take the time to get to know ourselves properly so we can show up healthy, and authentic, happy with boundaries, in our relationships.

And I want that for people.

Happy, easy-going, individualistic relationships. You should be allowed to be yourself, and each individual do their own emotional work.

Is this making sense or sound familiar?

Are you interested in tools or boundaries for codependency and examples of how codependency plays out with individuals? Let me know your thoughts!

Much Love,

Ashley