The Adventures of Donald McQueen, Bibliographer

In this final, bumper, double number of Volume I of Professor McQueen's Adventures, the tragic story of the seven old ladies locked in the laboratory reaches its grisly climax, and the Professor finally remembers to check the smurf trap in the gardens of Timor Mortis College at Noxford.   Cherrytop the Sarcastic Horse again fails to put in an appearance, but he has supplied the following review of this chapter: "Oh, it's wonderful, hilarious stuff! My sides are still aching! And what a pile of wisdom! That Professor McQueen is every inch the genius he fancies himself to be!"  Thank you, Cherrytop.

Parental advisory: While there is no bad language in this chapter, the story of the seven old ladies will be, like Murdoch's Plutonium Coffee, too strong and dark for some stomachs.

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Professor McQueen returns to Timor Mortis College, Noxford, and muses on the history of that "City of leaning spires and ghostly biscuits", before encountering the strange gods, tragedies and robots of Noxford. Cherrytop the Sarcastic Horse again fails to put in an appearance, but Elton John turns up at the last moment ... 

Professor McQueen is missing his cat, so decides to leave the Duodecimo Club (in London's Bibliography Quarter) and return to his lodgings at Timor Mortis College, Noxford. But on the train he meets his nemesis, the worst man in the world, the organizer of half that is evil and nearly all that is undetected in the city of books, the Napoleon of Bibliographical Crime. There is, however, still no sign of Cherrytop the Sarcastic Horse!

In this chapter of his adventures, Professor Donald McQueen wrestles with a great moral and intellectual dilemma – should he use The Ear-Trumpet of Death for entertainment, or reserve it only for academic purposes? A telephone call to his sponsor can help to identify the sauce of all knowledge and wisdom, and the answer to his great question results in McQueen losing himself in the final episode of that flabbergasting science fiction drama The Venus Probe.  For the second time, Cherrytop the Sarcastic Horse fails to put in an appearance ...

Who printed the Codex Assinorum of Scrotus? And when? And why? These are the questions which plague Professor Donald McQueen of Timor Mortis College, Noxford. But his concentration is broken by tales of the cruel and mysterious Mr Lavender, and by visions of murderous Scotsmen, elderly lady detectives, Darth Vader and a radio-controlled cat, to say nothing of Cherrytop the Sarcastic Horse (who does not appear in this chapter).

Professor McQueen continues his sojourn at the Duodecimo Club in Pall Mall, where he just misses the opportunity to meet Death in person. Who will be the next President of the Bibliographical Society? How could a Scottish music teacher possibly be misunderstood by the girls of Whittering's School in Hampshire? What is the mysterious accent employed by Dr Chopper Hopper aboard the Starship Venus? Will any of the Club members ever speak to Joanna Lumley again? Enquire within for the answers to some of these questions.

Professor McQueen arrives at the London club patronized by the cream of the world's bibliographers, The Duodecimo Club, where he meets some old friends and Joanna Lumley, before being sucked again into another absurd episode of the 1970s TV science-fiction masterpiece "The Venus Probe" ... Be warned. These are dangerous penguins!

Professor Donald McQueen (Bibliographer!) tries to leave Timor Mortis College for his London club, in search of a little peace in order to continue his researches into the Codex Assinorum. But he is waylaid by a series of real and spectral visions, and gets caught up in an absurd episode of the 1970s television series The Venus Probe ...

Professor McQueen recalls the dispute which arose over the mystery of the Codex Assinorum, and the teeth it cost one of the protagonists, before being distracted again by the Ear-Trumpet of Death and hearing of the tragic end of the world's most fragrant vampire ...

Professor Donald McQueen learns to control the Ear-Trumpet of Death, and tries to pursue the mystery of the Codex Assinorum. But he is distracted by the doings of his embarrassing older brother Starwheel (who wishes to be a star of the musical theatre), the continuing saga of the world's most fragrant vampire, and the thoughts of his beloved cat ... among other adventures!