The Amiel Show

The Amiel Show

By Amiel Handelsman: Executive Coach and Change ConsultantSociety & CultureBusinessCareers
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The Amiel Show episodes

  • Episode 40: Nancy Berns On Moving Beyond “Closure” [The Amiel Show]
    Your best friend at work leaves for another job. Your spouse gets fired. The great team you’ve been part of gets split up. Chronic illness keeps you from doing things you enjoy. You experience the death of a sibling, parent, or child.
    What do these things have in common?
    They are examples of loss.
    But that’s not all.
    They are also situations in which our culture (in the United States at least) encourages us to “get closure.”
    Getting closure makes sense, right?
    Not so fast, says Dr. Nancy Berns, Professor of Sociology at Drake University and author of Closure: The Rush To End Grief And What It Costs Us.
    The pressure to move past loss is harmful to our families, our emotional health, and our organizations.
    And there is a better way to grieve–indeed, many better ways, each appropriate at different times to different people.
    This week on the podcast, Dr. Berns talks about closure and what becomes possible when we choose other approaches for handling loss.

    Highlights

    *
    13:00  Why closure became popular in the 1990s

    * 16:00  Rituals help us feel part of something bigger
    * 20:00  The experience of infant loss
    * 25:00  Conversations Nancy had about the loss of her son, Zachariah
    * 28:00  Knowing who you feel safe sharing with
    * 33:00  Small acts of kindness
    * 38:45  Society’s expectations of how men and women should grieve
    * 43:00  Being part of someone’s death or burial

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    Closure is just a word we’ve made up. There’s no research showing that we need closure.


    –Dr. Nancy Berns   Tweet this quote


    When people hear the word ‘closure,’ they often hear, ‘You’re telling me I need to end my grieving.’
    –Dr. Nancy Berns   Tweet this quote


    Explore Additional Resources

    * Closure: The Rush To End Grief And What It Costs Us by Nancy Berns
    * Nancy’s TEDx talk
    * Nancy’s blog about closure
    * Brief Encounters, a support group for bereaved parents of pregnancy and infant loss

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    Subscribe to the Show on iTunes (It’s Easy!)

    * Sign into iTunes using your ID and password
    * Search the iTunes store for “Amiel Show”
    * Click on the Subscribe button. It’s in the upper left corner of the screen.

    Give Me a Rating or Review on iTunes (It’s Also Easy!)

    0 min
  • Episode 39: Elizabeth Doty On Making Only Promises You Can Keep [The Amiel Show] - The Amiel Show
    Elizabeth Doty is on a mission to focus leaders on their most critical commitments. In Episode 39 of the podcast, this seasoned consultant, author, and frequent contributor to Strategy + Business joins me to ask:

    * What if we were to take our commitments to each other so seriously that we made only the ones we knew we could keep?
    * What if companies recognized that the reliability of their promises to customers and society was central to their success?
    * What if teams stopped waiting around for new leaders to define direction and instead said, “Here’s a proposal for the next three months. Can you support this?”

    I think you’ll get great value from this invigorating, high impact conversation. Please share with your friends!

    Highlights

    * 5:00 “The company made me a liar.”
    * 7:20 When businesses drift from their promises
    * 13:30 Why scapegoating CEOs or “rogue employees” doesn’t improve outcomes
    * 16:30 Creating shared maps of different parts of the system
    * 18:00 The peril of new leaders ignoring existing commitments
    * 27:00 The measurable benefits of companies keeping commitments
    * 33:00 A “no harm” diamond company commits to a simple rule
    * 41:00 What teams can do during leadership changes instead of waiting for direction
    * 46:30 Why keeping your head down is risky
    * 48:00 The power of “irrational generosity” during downward spirals
    * 52:30 A hopeful story about promises, money, and career trajectories

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    There is an art in crafting commitments and being clear what we’re committing to.


    –Elizabeth Doty   Tweet this quote


    A recipe for stalling: change your leaders often or put your strategy into question.
    –Elizabeth Doty   Tweet this quote


    Explore Additional Resources
    Leadership Momentum, Elizabeth Doty’s company
    “Does Your Company Keep Its Promises”—Elizabeth’s post introducing her article
    Elizabeth’s working paper on commitment drift
    Elizabeth’s articles in Strategy + Business
    The Compromise Trap: How To Thrive At Work Without Selling Your Soul by Elizabeth Doty
    Liberating structures, a concept introduced by Bill Torbert
    Strategy maps—articles by Robert Kaplan and David Norton in Strategic Finance and HBR
    1 hr
  • Episode 38: Dr. Keith Witt On Creating A Marital Love Affair [The Amiel Show] - The Amiel Show
    For the past few years, I have identified a “personal hero of the year,” someone who has inspired me to be a wiser, more loving, and more courageous person. In 2015, my personal hero of the year was marriage expert Dr. Keith Witt.
    Dr. Keith is an integral psychotherapist, author, big thinker, and “therapist in the wild.”
    In this rich and entertaining interview, we talk about about creating marital love affairs, improving sex, and developing the skills of a self-regulating adult in relationship. Get ready for a very valuable hour!

    Highlights

    *
    5:00  How healthy marriages improve happiness, physical health, longevity, and children’s lives

    *
    9:45 Why it’s not surprising that marriage becomes less passionate over time

    *
    14:30 Why cheating on your spouse can seem to “appear out of nowhere”

    *
    18:30 When commitment shifts to “I’ll do what it takes”

    *
    20:00 Why some marriages get better after kids

    *
    24:30 White knuckle monogamy

    *
    29:00 Defensive states and the role of self-regulation skills

    *
    37:30 The role of sex in mending relationships

    *
    39:30 Getting in touch with you masculine and feminine core

    *
    45:00 How your attachment style as an infant affects your adult relationships

    *
    48:30 Using differentiation to improve sex

    *
    50:00 Improving sex – different advice from five leading relationship experts

    *
    56:00 Dr. Keith’s “two rules for guys” and “two rules for women”

    * 1:00:00 Makeup sex

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    Couples are not taught about defensive states or how to self-regulate


    –Dr. Keith Witt   Tweet this quote


     
    The martial love affair requires conscious attention
    –Dr. Keith Witt   Tweet this quote
    Explore Additional Resources
    Sessions: All Therapy Supports Relationships Integrating Towards Unity by Keith Witt
    Love maps
    Lust maps
    Romantic infatuation leads to intimate bonding
    Vasopressin gene expression and infidelity
    John Gottman
    Turning toward others
    The Gift of Shame: Why We Need Shame And How To Use It To Love And Grow by Keith Witt
    1 hr 4 min
  • Episode 37: Susanne Cook-Greuter On Leadership Maturity, Part 2 [The Amiel Show] - The Amiel Show
    In Part 1 of my interview with Dr. Susanne Cook-Greuter, she gave an overview of the stages of adult development and what they mean for our capacity to handle life’s complexity.
    This week, in Part 2, we explore how her model of Leadership Maturity reframes two everyday leadership challenges:

    * How do you approach your job or career?
    * What is it like to be in a pivotal or difficult conversation?


    Highlights

    * 6:00 How three conventional stages of adult development (Socialized Self, Specialist Self, and Independent Self) experience work and career
    * 20:30 Why people at the Relative stage often step outside of the rat race
    * 27:00 At the Interdependent stage, you make sense of historical patterns and construct integrated strategies
    * 31:00 Susanne and I disagree about membership criteria for the Denial of Death club
    * 32:30 How development stages approach pivotal conversations differently
    * 34:00 Why someone may interpret even the most skillful feedback as disapproval of him
    * 44:00 Helping leaders at the Independent stage see how they are not fully responsible when something goes awry
    * 45:30 At the Relative stage, you realize what you can gain by understanding others’ perspectives
    * 48:00 Why Millennials may seek out difference as part of conforming to the emerging culture’s norms
    * 50:00 When paradox becomes the norm–and then the main source of juice

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    The depth and capacity of what a person can notice can expand throughout life.
    –Susanne Cook-Greuter  Tweet this quote
    Explore Additional Resources

    * Chart showing the stages in the Leadership Maturity model
    * The Center for Leadership Maturity, Dr. Cook-Greuter’s consulting, training, research, and coaching firm
    * Intensive programs in the the Leadership Maturity Framework and Maturity Assessment for Professionals (MAP) instrument
    * Article summarizing Dr. Cook-Greuter’s developmental framework
    * Postautonomous Ego Development, Dr. Cook-Greuter’s landmark study of highly developed adults
    * White paper by Center for Creative Leadership advocating for vertical development
    * Robert Kegan
    * Bill Joiner on pivotal conversations
    * Spiral Dynamics

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    56 min
  • Episode 36: Susanne Cook-Greuter On Leadership Maturity, Part 1 [The Amiel Show] - The Amiel Show
    Often when things go haywire, we blame others or ourselves.

    * “If only I was smarter.”
    * “If only my boss gave me the right responsibilities.”
    * “If only I picked a better boss.”


    What if the source of our troubles wasn’t something wrong with us–or others–but the fact that we haven’t yet developed to our full potential?
    When I first came across this concept 15 years ago, I felt a breath of fresh air. What an amazing idea that as adults, we haven’t yet reached the end of the line.
    This is the theory of adult development. You can’t look far in this field without running across the name Susanne Cook-Greuter. She is one of the world’s leading researchers, consultants, and coaches in adult development. In fact, many of the world’s leading experts in this area consider her their mentor.
    Recently, I had the privilege of spending two hours with Susanne talking about how and why adults develop and what this means for leadership and organizations. This week, join me in enjoying part 1 of that conversation.
    Highlights

    * 5:30 What Piaget taught us about child development
    * 13:00 Vertical development becomes mainstream
    * 16:30 The three waves of development: preconventional, conventional, and postconventional. See the chart we discuss here.
    * 24:00 The three stages where 80% of adults in the West live
    * 31:30 The impact of a CEO’s level of development on her organization
    * 33:00 Susanne’s advice for parents of teenagers
    * 43:30 What all adult development models have in common
    * 52:00 How stage models different outside of western culture

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    At each developmental stage, there are capacities that weren’t imaginable before
    –Susanne Cook-Greuter  Tweet this quote


    Explore Additional Resources

    * The Center for Leadership Maturity, Dr. Cook-Greuter’s consulting, training, research, and coaching firm
    * Intensive programs in the the Leadership Maturity Framework and Maturity Assessment for Professionals (MAP) instrument
    * Article summarizing Dr. Cook-Greuter’s developmental framework
    * Postautonomous Ego Development, Dr. Cook-Greuter’s landmark study of highly developed adults
    * White paper by Center for Creative Leadership advocating for vertical development
    * Robert Kegan
    * Bill Joiner on pivotal conversations

    New to Podcasts?
    Get started
    1 hr 1 min
  • Episode 35: Doc Parsley on How Sleep Makes Everything Better [The Amiel Show] - The Amiel Show
    Sleep helps you perform better at everything.
    Everything.
    At work. At home. And all the places in between.
    Now, what if you’re less interested in doing more than in being the best version of yourself?
    Sleeps helps there, too.
    This is the message of Doctor Kirk Parsley, known widely as Doc Parsley. He is a medical doctor, sleep and hormonal modulation expert, consultant to corporations and professional teams, and former Sleep Medicine expert for Navy Special Warfare.
    One other distinction: Doc Parsley is physically strong. Who better to disabuse us of the notion that “sleep is for the weak” than a former Navy SEAL and competitive athlete?

    Highlights

    * 5:00 What persuades people to pay attention to their sleep
    * 22:00 How our ancestors maximized slow wave sleep
    * 26:30 How REM sleep cements everything you learned that day
    * 33:30 How sleep can help you when starting a new leadership role
    * 39:30 Doc Parsley’s journey from competitive athlete to Navy SEAL to physician to sleep expert
    * 44:00 Navy SEALs with blood panels you’d expect in an out-of-shape 65-year-old man
    * 57:00 The great results you can get from one week of great sleep
    * 59:00 Sleep hygiene
    * 1:02:30 How catching up on sleep is like paying off credit card debt
    * 1:08:30 The ideal length of a nap
    * 1:12:30 Perimenopausal and menopausal women and their hormonal and sleep challenges

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    The time you get better at everything is while you sleep
    –Doc Parsley  Tweet this quote
    If I gave you $1M to make sleep your #1 priority for a week, could you do it?
    –Doc Parsley Tweet this quote
    Explore Additional Resources

    * Web site of Doctor Kirk Parsley (“Doc Parsley”)
    * Doc Parsley’s TEDx talk
    * Dr. Sara Mednick, author of Take a Nap!
    * “Dude, where’s my frontal cortext?” Article by Dr. Robert Sapolsky of Stanford
    * Sleep hygiene: tips from Doc Parsley and the National Sleep Foundation
    * Women’s Health Initiative: overview of hormone therapy trials and criticisms of the study

    New to Podcasts?
    Get started here
    Subscribe to the Show on iTunes (It’s Easy!)

    * Sign into iTunes using your ID and password
    * Search the iTunes store for “Amiel Show”
    * Click on the Subscribe button.
    1 hr 24 min
  • Episode 34: Disown Others’ Emotions, A Jedi Leadership Trick [The Amiel Show] - The Amiel Show
    Just as other people are not responsible for your emotions, you are not responsible for theirs.
    That’s the good news.
    The bad news is that you likely act as though you are.
    It happens every day. Someone on your team is angry they were passed over for a promotion. Your peer glares at you when you don’t have their back in a meeting. Your spouse gives you that “look” because you’re late for dinner again.
    About one tenth of a second later, you feel the impact in your body. “Oh crap,” you think to yourself. “I just pissed her off.”
    Nice thought. But you’re wrong.
    You can’t piss someone off. It’s not in your power. The person who is angry generated that emotion herself. She is responsible for the emotion. Not you.
    And once you embody this understanding, your life will never be the same again.
    So it’s time to stop taking responsibility for what is not rightly yours. It’s time to disown others’ emotions.
    That’s the name of this Jedi Leadership Trick and the theme of this 10-minute. Listen in.
    Listen to the Podcast
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    * Sign into iTunes using your ID and password
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    * Give it a rating. Bonus for a review

    10 min
  • Episode 33: Own Your Own Emotions, A Jedi Leadership Trick [The Amiel Show] - The Amiel Show
    In this 15 minute episode, you will learn one of the keys to emotional mastery: taking responsibility for your own emotions.
    Why is it unhelpful to you and others to blame them for how you are feeling?
    What changes when you start taking responsibility for your emotions?
    Listen in as I answer these questions and describe the five levels of competence of owning your own emotions.
    Listen to the Podcast
    Subscribe to the Show on iTunes (It’s Easy!)

    * Sign into iTunes using your ID and password
    * Search the iTunes store for “Amiel Show”
    * Click on the Subscribe button. It’s in the upper left corner of the screen.

    Give Me a Rating or Review on iTunes (It’s Also Easy!)

    * Sign into iTunes using your ID and password
    * Search the iTunes store for “Amiel Show”
    * Click on “Ratings and Reviews”
    * Give it a rating. Bonus for a review

    16 min
  • Episode 32: Turn Toward Others, A Jedi Leadership Trick [The Amiel Show] - The Amiel Show
    In this 7 minute episode, I describe a simple and powerful method for increasing trust with others.
    Learn how to improve relationships even while disagreeing with others.
    And how to turn microscopic interactions into positive changes in your public identity.
    Listen to the Podcast
    Subscribe to the Show on iTunes (It’s Easy!)

    * Sign into iTunes using your ID and password
    * Search the iTunes store for “Amiel Show”
    * Click on the Subscribe button. It’s in the upper left corner of the screen.

    Give Me a Rating or Review on iTunes (It’s Also Easy!)

    * Sign into iTunes using your ID and password
    * Search the iTunes store for “Amiel Show”
    * Click on “Ratings and Reviews”
    * Give it a rating. Bonus for a review

    READ: Episode 26: Help Me Understand, A Jedi Leadership Trick [The Amiel Show]
    8 min
  • Episode 31: Hilary Bradbury On Women, Men, Power, And Eros [The Amiel Show] - The Amiel Show
    Ready for a candid and edgy conversation about power relationships between women and men in the workplace?
    Then you’ll want to download this episode and listen on your next car ride, walk, or flight.
    Hilary Bradbury joins me to discuss her provocative and inspiring new book, Eros/Power: Love In The Spirit of Inquiry, which you can purchase here.  In this book, Hilary and her coauthor, Bill Torbert, a previous guest on the podcast, use their own autobiographical stories to reveal important yet often hidden dynamics that trip up leaders at work and in the rest of life.
    Join me as I talk with this trailblazing leadership coach, organizational consultant, and professor.


    Highlights

    * First, second, and third person conversations (7:55)
    * The day Hilary got fired, then met Bill Torbert (18:00)
    * The “odd duality” women have about telling the truth (22:00)
    * Being an “eros bomb”, evoking confusion in Bill, and not realizing it (26:30)
    * Having crushes at work is different from acting them out (32:30)
    * Hilary and Bill’s most painful conflict with each other (38:50)
    * How Hilary’s Enneagram type–The Challenger–shows up in her work (48:30)
    * Bill’s great advice for Hilary on handling sexual harassment from a senior colleague of hers (55:10)
    * Hilary’s heartfelt apology and Bill’s graceful response (1:01.00)
    * Hilary’s angrily tells her life partner “I’m not your junior partner” (1:05.00)
    * Hilary and her partner’s weekly relationship-enhancing practice (1:11.00)

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    “It’s a tricky thing when women & men try to do this power dance with integrity”
    —Hilary Bradbury   Tweet this quote
    Buy Hilary and Bill Torbert’s New Book
    To purchase and/or review a copy of Eros/Power, click here.
    To learn more about the book, read a sample, register for a related workshop, click here.
    Explore Additional Resources
    Eros/Power: Love In The Spirit of Inquiry by Hilary Bradbury and Bill Torbert
    Integrating Catalysts, Hilary’s executive coaching and action research consultancy
    Bill Torbert
    Peter Senge
    Society for Organizational Learning
    Chris Argyris
    Advocacy versus inquiry
    1 hr 18 min

About The Amiel Show

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The Amiel Show provides people who are hungry to grow as leaders and human beings with cutting-edge conversations about leadership. What’s the one skill or quality you can improve that will build your…