In 2017 Gratitude Journal, I'm sharing the awful things I'm grateful for as I trust God. Read full blog: https://onlinediscipleshipforwomen.com/thanksgiving/
Thanksgiving Journal 2017
It’s November 23, 2017. I just came back from a Thanksgiving dinner with friends. As they poured Apple cider into glasses and we all prepared to toast, each person in the room had to share honestly what they are grateful for today. And I shared from the bottom of my heart something that later women started asking me questions about. I found out that what I was grateful for today resonated with many women.
So, I wanted to share it with YOU:
- I’m grateful for God whom I prayed to asking to rid me of myself and make me new and He did
- I’m grateful for the ministry God called me to and the 8,000 people He allowed me to reach with this podcast in the last 2 months in the US, United Kingdom, Ireland, Iceland, Canada, Spain, Italy, Ukraine, Kazakhstan, South Africa, and other countries
- I’m grateful for my ex-husband Michel who introduced into my life my favorite things such as Perimeter Church that became a home to me and Devotionals For Women that became the very foundation of my ministry
- I’m grateful for the beautiful dating relationship we had and for falling in love with Michel, for our amazing wedding in front of friends and family and for all the adversity that followed, because on this very painful journey I drew closer to Jesus and learned to finally hear from God
- I’m grateful for the first divorce Michel filed for a few weeks after our wedding because that season exposed my character deficiencies, caused me to seek Biblical counseling, and learn how to glorify God in the midst of crazy life circumstances and complete mental haze
- I’m grateful for the reconciliation Michel asked a few weeks after that 1st divorce filing because my acceptance of him showed me that I finally learned how to love unconditionally
- I’m grateful for the second divorce Michel filed 5 weeks after that reconciliation because his mental games caused me to dive into such deep depression and suicidal thoughts, that I finally witnessed that my very hope and identity were misplaced: I saw myself as Michel’s wife instead of a precious daughter of the King of The Universe and my hope was in Michel’s attitude toward our marriage instead of Jesus Christ who died for my salvation
- I’m grateful for depression and suicidal thoughts I experienced, because they caused me to be paralyzed, stay in bed, be quiet, cry out to God, be still, and finally listen to the Holy Spirit and actually HEAR
- I’m also grateful for those experiences because they allowed me to now relate to hurting women around the world in the way I would not have been able to otherwise, having experienced depression and suicidal thoughts and having received comfort from God, I am now equipped and qualified to comfort women who endured Narcissistic Abuse just like me and are suffering
- I’m grateful for having experienced mental cruelty from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Projection, Silent Treatment, and Reptilian Stare, because had I not experienced those things, I would not have believed that they exist, I would have not believed that mental cruelty is a thing
- I’m grateful for having endured mental cruelty that caused my brain capacity to shrink to nearly nothingness, because with my 4 diplomas and high honors from a Business school and a law school as well as a teaching college, I was always confident in my mental capabilities, feeling in control. Experiencing mental cruelty in my marriage daily, being manipulated in feeling crazy and worthless, caused me to finally learn that the only solid ground to stand on is God’s promises and not my skills or mental abilities
- I’m grateful for having experienced Narcissistic Gaslighting and Discarding in my marriage last year that caused me to feel worthless and useless, devastated, depressed, and suicidal, because I finally fell on my knees in desperation to seek what God says about me and who God says I am instead of seeking the approval of my husband at the time. That journey of studying the Bible led me to author 52 devotionals and produce Biblical affirmation for hurting women that today have already inspired and empowered 2.5K women around the world and I now produced Biblical wall art - canvases with those Biblical affirmations that will be available on Amazon next week
- I’m grateful for all the adversity and all the hurt and my bleeding, aching, shattered in microscopic pieces heart because out of that experience was born authentic intimacy with God and the 42 Biblical poems I authored about Love, Marriage, Forgiveness, Narcissistic Abuse and my personal Conversations with God that will be all available on Amazon starting next week as framed Spiritual poetry for a prayer room in your home
- I’m grateful for the divorce jury trial that lasted 4 days a few weeks ago, because there I learned how to love and forgive the man I love - every second of that trial, in the midst of public humiliation in front of our 14 jurors who dedicated 4 days of their lives to our divorce, Judge Dickinson who was very patient with us, our attorneys and all the general public
- I’m grateful for our premarital counseling mentors who came every day to love on me and to pray for me, even after their surgery, grateful for all the friends who drove to Forsyth County to testify and to pray, for my friends who came from out of state to support me, for every moment of that public humiliation where I had an audience of one - Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, who carried me through and helped me stay humble and kind.
- I’m grateful for the new motion Michel filed in October where he is now demanding that I pay $50K to his attorney to cover HIS fees - because this motion taught me to never ever say: THIS CANT BE. I now know that anything CAN be. Even unbelievable haze and craziness, even from a man who attended a seminary and worked at church.
This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for all my adversity, for this humbling journey, for God who is always faithful and has a plan to use MY pain and tears for good, the God who uses what He hates to accomplish what He loves, and who gave me a ministry and the ability to comfort hurting women. What a privilege.
I’m grateful to stand here today and say: I can’t, but God can, and I am trusting His promises.
