When we remember the humanity of another, there is no other, there is only us. Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another. These two quotes by Ann Voskamp, a wonderful author  really speaks to my heart and soul. So on today's podcast I will be talking about empathy. An important word in building community and connection. It is an art to connect with another. At FeSociety, it's all about the art of connection.

These two truths, 'when we remember the humanity of the other, there is no other. There's only us.' And 'empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another', encompass empathy. Empathy is caring for another's well being. The real giants of empathy I think, are those who can see and listen and feel even when the person they're listening to is one who might be a life irritant and more so if that person is an enemy. I think about Corrie Ten Boom. She survived the Holocaust, living in the concentration camps. She was speaking one evening at an  engagement where she was talking about forgiveness. As she was wrapping up, she looked down the aisle as someone was approaching her. She recognized the German guard who made she and her sister suffer so terribly while imprisoned. And here this man comes up to her, hand extended, seeking forgiveness.  And the feelings that she had toward him were not feelings that were positive, kind and loving. She says she really felt like God just spoke to her. 'Just reach your hand out to him and I'll do the rest.' And here this man came to Corrie, asking for her forgiveness. Corrie reached her hand out, God filled her with the ability to forgive and to empathize with what this man and what he went through, guilty of all his terrible crimes. Not Saying he was justified in what he did in the past, but wanting to focus on the fact that he experienced forgiveness and he received empathy from one who could truly give empathy. Corrie did just that.  Me? I'm a mustard seed of empathy. It's small. Far too often I get irritated with those closest to me. I find I have an agreement in my mind and it's unspoken as to how things should be. Thenwhen my loved ones don't abide by my unspoken agreement, I get annoyed. It has been said that familiarity breeds contempt. I also know that contempt destroys communion.

Or there are times where I am totally annoyed and sorely lacking empathy for someone who thinks are responds differently than I do. I can't begin to comprehend how they can think that they that way or or respond as they did. I'm not suggesting that we compromise who we are or our belief system. Empathy doesn't require us to do so, but what empathy does?... It looks beyond beliefs or alliances and and rather looks to the heart of the humanity before us. Just like Corrie ten Boom, looked at the humanity before her, in that German guard, she was able to extend forgiveness and empathy.

Empathy. It requires walking in the other person's shoes in a metaphorical sense. It requires thinking about the other person's story that they live with and their perceptions in which they abide. Because we all walk in wounds or with pain or sorrow. Empathy requires dumping our self centerdness and selfish thinking and thinking on the other person. This is empathy at work and yeah, it is work.

I believe empathy can be practiced and our ability to experience it increased. The key in part is practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness requires practicing being in the moment, in the present, aware of our feelings and our surroundings, but it also means being tuned in to those around us as well. How often do we go about our day without much tuning in and awareness for the moment it takes practice to be mindful.

For instance, taking the dogs out for a walk. Are we enjoying the out of doors, the sounds of nature, the people we might see or are we focused on what we have to do once we get this chore of walking the dogs done? Or what about driving in our car to our destination? I can't tell you how many times I've arrived and recall very little of my trip because I've pretty much been tuned out. It's a little frightening to think about, but this is not mindfulness because then we've missed the moments.

Jeff Vandermeer is quoted as saying, 'to be taken out of the moment is dangerous. That is when things sneak their way in and then there is no more present to return to.' So a huge part of the problem is our distractions, not being mindful, not being engaged in the moment in our society. We are far too often unplugged from community and plugged into cyberspace. We check our phones, our social media, fire up our computers or we turn on the television. Once these devices are on, mindfulness is almost always turned off. Sure there's a place for cyber work too, but by default we fall too easily to cyberworld and forget to build empathy.

We need to check in, tune in and engage in the moment with ourselves as well as be aware of the other person and their story. And with people we need to practice engaged listening. A great exercise I learned from a friend is called Imago. It looks something like this. It's active listening, but if there's an issue or something that you need to be addressed, you ask to have an Imago with that person. Facing one another you are able to for one minute, share what's on your heart with no judgements. The person who's listening, just repeats back what they heard or understood what was on your heart. This is continued till they get it right, until you know they've heard you, and then that's it. There's no coming up with a solution, and there's certainly no rebuttal on the other person's part. It's just tuning in and listening.

The definition of empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Active listening, using something like the Imago technique, does help with this. Empathy is different from sympathy with sympathy important in its own realm. Sympathy means to feel pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune, but empathy really goes to the heart of the matter.

Empathy, the we, the US instead of them. Empathy unites, empathy draws close. Empathy is compassionate and loving. Empathy builds community and connection. The Art of connection. It does take practice, yet it is what we were created for and there's so much joy in this.

So until next time, this is Sandra Vernon with faces society.

On today's podcast, I'll be talking about the much ignored issue of shame, often ignored, very seldom spoken of, but it is something that is damaging our souls. We speak of anger and depression and anxiety, and it's good to deal with these powerful emotions and responses. We don't want them to control us, but let them be used as a signal or a sign posts for what is on our mind so we can address those issues and as important as these emotions are, I still want to address the silent issue of shame because it often disguises itself as other emotion. It stays out of the spotlight, and this is exactly where it wants to remain shames. Most important objective is to not be exposed because its very existence requires it to be left alone in the dark. Ignored. This is where shame thrives. It's a heaven. On today's podcast, I'll be talking about the much ignored issue of shame, often ignored, very seldom spoken of, but it is something that is damaging our souls. We speak of anger and depression and anxiety, and it's good to deal with these powerful emotions and responses. We don't want them to control us, but let them be used as a signal or a sign posts for what is on our mind so we can address those issues and as important as these emotions are, I still want to address this silent issue of shame because it often disguises itself as other emotion. It stays out of the spotlight and this is exactly where it wants to remain shames. Most important objective is to not be exposed because its very existence requires it to be left alone in the dark. Ignored. This is where shame thrives. It's a heavy load for our souls to bear and some of us carry loads so heavy heaped on us through the years bearing down on us in silence. Shame I've learned is strengthened in silence. Most often. Shame comes on slowly, often noticed, and as time goes on, it becomes stronger and stronger and the shame increases and we don't want to talk about it. Guilt and shame are often coupled together. We use them interchangeably, these words, but they are remarkably different. Author and psychologists agree that guilt and shame are profoundly different. Guilt focuses on our actions. On our words and on the choices we have made, guilt though uncomfortable in the midst of it can be used productively to move us along in our growth as individuals and in our relationships. Guilt as a sort of an evaluative tool, we can learn from our mistakes, whether by word or deed and with guilt. There is release as we acknowledge our responsibility in the matter. Yes, guilt has its own consequences if left, undone with but shame. Shame is debilitating and degrees we may have never fully understand and totally are on the other side of it, and the other horrible thing about shame, it tells us there's something profoundly wrong with us, that we are wrong. Wrongly created, wrongly being weird, unlovable, so we have to hide our shame and often isolate ourselves from others, so shame won't be found out. Shame is the opposite of acceptance and it prevents intimacy. Shame tells us that we are terribly flawed and unlovable, unworthy. Shame tells us there is no belonging for us, that we are rotten, that are rotten. Lot in life is to be expected because we don't deserve anything else. We are not worthy of anything better. Shame robs us of personal growth as we lose our sense of self and who we are. Shame is like an insidious we'd. It takes root and destroys or at least chokes our soul. It takes our on attributes that it is not like a chameleon to protect itself from being exposed. Rage, controlling perfectionism, buisiness, isolating ocd behaviors, depression, numbness, and sometimes we call it embarrassment, but really it's most likely an issue of shame. It's like a cancer to our soul, yet we don't talk about it or even name it. Unlike cancer lurking in undiscovered places in our bodies, shame lingers in the dark, unspoken parts of our thought life. Shame repeats a message to us until we begin to believe it to be true, and then because we have come to believe what's James Message has been saying to us, we don't talk about it. It's too shameful because what would people think if they really knew the depth of and you can fill in the blank of what our shame is and oftentimes we bury. The shame is so deeply because it is so painful and we are no longer conscious of it, yet it's residents in our soul impacts every area of our life. Shame convinces us that our core being that there is something wrong with us, that other people are not this way, that our situation is unique to us and that no one would understand. Shame us. There is something wrong with us and in us. Think about this. Are there some areas of your life, some hidden things you don't want anyone to know about? You can only imagine people's responses if they knew this about you. This my dear friends. This is shame. Shame if we live with it and in it for too long creates problems in our self image and our sense of worth shame does a devastating work with the burden of shame bearing down on us. We have become ineffective in working in our best potential feeling. We don't have anything worthy to contribute. Often social phobias, eating disorders, substance abuse rage, and some mental health issues, or just a few of the issues that may arise as evidence of harboring shame almost as a protective armor of sorts. We numb ourselves with these external practices and habits and addictions to prevent from hearing shames messaged to us because these things, the addictions and habits, though painful and often devastating to live with, these are more socially acceptable than to announce we have shame in our life and this whole issue of shame. Well, it's really not anything new. It happened at the beginning of time when Adam and eve were consumed by shame. How did this happen? Well, Eve was tempted by the serpent in the garden and gave into the temptation. Now With Adam and Eve's glory covering gone. They discovered their nakedness and felt shameful about it and they tried to cover their shame. Soon, blame shifting and finger pointing ensued. Instead of allowing guilt to do its work in relation to their action and letting them acknowledge their wrongdoing and returning back to their, their union with God, shame overtook them as the serpent who tempted them in the first place, now mocks them, yet God in his love and mercy covered Adam and eve and with his grace released them from the grip of shame. Shame is still a powerful tool used by our enemy. He taunts us and tempts us, and when we give in, he starts the finger pointing and the shaming the hell could you look what you've done. You are a terrible person and this begins at the spiritual level. At first, our soul is burdened by the shame and we feel and must cover so no one knows. We take the lies that shame tells us to our mind, and we parked there with these thoughts. Soon. Shame is mired in and we think of it as part of us, that it is us, our silent, hidden shame. It thrives in dark places and keeps us silenced with its weight. Shame has strengthened in keeping quiet. Not having it named this message is very heavy. I know, but hang in there with me. There is hope. I just felt very compelled to share this with you. So what is to be done with shame? Naming the shame, exposing it is the starting point like casting light in a very dark place. This is where we must begin and once shames, presence is acknowledged. We can start dredging up its tentacles, ripping it from its stranglehold on our souls, but be aware very often the habits or addictions we used in an attempt to to protect us from shame. Pain become even more prevalent because of battle ensues. Shame does not want to leave you, so we must relinquish the need to control and also accept responsibility for our actions. But dump shame. We are not horrible rotten people and we take responsibility. We can find. We have more choices. Talk therapy does help with this issue of shame. It is really essential because as I said, shame has got to have light shed on it so it can be removed from our light, our life, and in meeting with somebody, whether it be a therapist or a counselor or a trusted friend can do wonders in sorting out shame from its hidden recesses in our life medication. It cannot help with addressing the issue of shame, but if shame has led you into this spiral of depression or some other mental health, a challenge, it is a viable temporary piece of the healing, healing puzzle. Even psychologist and psychiatrist or acknowledging that medication has limited ability to help. It is necessary in some cases, but I don't want us to cling to this as this is the answer for everything. What is most helpful in dealing with shame once we've named it is we've got to realign our thoughts and this takes work and this is where having a trusted friend can be also be so beneficial. The power of words changing the words we speak to ourselves is powerful because what shame has done for us and to us is telling us that we are a horrible person, that there's nothing lovable about us, so we need to change those words because words, whether spoken words or the unspoken self-talk either speaks to build us up or shame us down. Take courage and be brave. It is so worth it. Step out of shame. Reset your mind's. Reset your minds on what it thinks about. Start thinking on the things that are true, the things that are good, the things that are good repute, speaking truth to your mind. So today's call to action because this message has been so heavy on my heart and it's been an issue I've been dealing with as well. I had to share this, but there is a call to action dumped the shame and live enjoy. Yes, it sounds very simple, but we know it's not easy. It is a challenge and it does take work, but it is worth it. Use Words of truth to build yourself back up. Shame leaves a hole in our souls that need to be filled, and some of us have huge ones that have a lot of filling to do so what we need to fill that hole with his truth. The only place to start filling our mind is speaking truth to our soul, and I'm not talking about our contemporary culture's definition of truth for I've heard it often said that this is my truth, but the fact of the matter is truth is unchanging and it stands for all eternity, so it can't be your truth and my truth. It is the truth. What we call today, our own truths are really our stories and our perceptions, and while these are very important, our stories and our perceptions are not truth, but our experiences to deal with shame. We must speak truth. Speaking truth to our souls is essential and necessary speaking God's truth into our lives. All that he says about us in his word, what his word says, we are in him. What his word says about us in relation to his son. These are the truths we need to speak to ourselves every day. Checking in on our stories and our perceptions with the plumb line of truth, and in speaking these truth, we also need to affirm the gifts and talents that make us unique and so necessary, so needed in this world because shame has kept us locked down from using these to their fullest potential, so we need to affirm our unique gifts. I want to leave you with a few book recommendations. Ones that have really helped me along my journey. One is recalculating walk away from negative thinking with the course correcting power of words by Kathy Anderson. What people say to us or about us impacts us, but what we speak to ourselves also makes a huge difference. We can't control what people say, but we can control what we say to ourselves. Tried writing down. If even for one day the messages you speak to yourself throughout the day, I think you'll be surprised. Do thoughts or words such as that was so stupid of me. You're so dumb. Why did you do that? It is a sobering reality check, so it's really time and much needed time for a mind reset. The other book that I'd like to recommend is the four eight and it's for Colon, eight, principal by Tommy newberry. It's a terrific book on this subject of mind reset. He speaks of extreme self care, like taking the oxygen mask and putting it on yourself before you begin to help another and also this book gives you practical exercises for the mind reset, but I really liked the extreme self care because as we go through this whole process of dealing with shame, we've got to be compassionate and caring to ourselves and finally Brenae Brown's book. Actually probably anything she's either spoken on and Ted talks or her writing, but the book I most like is the gifts of imperfection. It's a must read on my list. She is a researcher dealing with shame and has terrific resources for this journey of removing it from our life shame. It is worth working through and dumping this burdensome weight, but it does take courage to face it. It's essential to find a trusted friend or two to share with because we are never meant to go it alone. Telling a trusted someone about the shame often very quickly diminishes as its power. It's quite miraculously really so today my friends get rid of the shame and start enjoying life again to its fullest. It'll be worth the work we do these things we never thought we would do, and I'm not saying this has to be the heinous things of crime shows, but things that in our nature we would never have imagined doing. We do these things to get the need for love met or to numb us into not feeling the pain of abandonment and the lack of love in our life. We think things we never thought we would think perhaps becoming so negative that we find people avoiding us and that we don't keep friends or relationships very long and the feeling of abandonment seems to follow us wherever we go. Shame is quick to step in and place, telling us, see, you are unlovable. No one can stand to be around you or some such message and these things we try to do to get love and feel acceptance. We do more and more with more frequency and intense his intensity, and soon we wonder what happened to my life. We realize that we have become someone we never expected we'd be, and oftentimes with shame in the mix. It keeps our tender soul in hiding our attempts at getting needs, uh, for loved Matt in ways that were never meant for us. Fall flat. Each time, leaving us more vulnerable, more causing to hide, and more insert searching and seeking out love. We fill our mouths and our stomachs with food that has nothing to do with fuel. We fill our minds with things that numb the pain and the sorrow we feel we fill our airways with volume to block out the quiet ache of our souls crying for help, longing for love. We pursue every avenue possible to receive love and acceptance, but the way the creator intended, and now it all seems pretty hopeless, but the wonderful fact is we are just one step away from change. There is hope and now for some truths, because really love and truth come together. If you love well, you can speak the truth and the truth should always be spoken with love, so for some truths we cannot change the past, but we can start a new story. There is hope we cannot redo history, but we can turn and walk in love and live life out loud. This is where we have hope. We cannot go back to yesterday or yesteryears and change anything. The past has P•A•S•S•E•D, but the truth is we can make a change that will allow us to receive love, know acceptance. We can not feel abandoned or not good enough any longer. The truth is we are just one step away from change, one step away to begin to live loved. It sounds simple and it is, but like with most things, it's not necessarily easy to implement. There is no quick fix, but there is lasting change. The change of which I speak has four components, surrender, forgiveness, truth, which then yields to abounding, enduring love. Now, this first word surrender. It sounds scary, doesn't it? Because our contemporary culture has a concept of surrender that makes it sound like giving up without hope, without power. This surrender sounds like brainwashing, checking your brain at the door type of thinking. But the surrender of which I speak is life giving and life changing. It's trading a messed up life for a new life and a new beginning. This surrender of the old way of doing things for a new way of doing things and getting rid of the old and receiving the new sounds great, doesn't it? How often do we bag up and surrender our old clothes? We no longer like and go purchase new and think about this too. Every time we get in a car, do we not surrender unconsciously to the car makers skill, trusting that the car will perform as expected. Surrendering to the functionality of the vehicle and it's designed to get you or me to your destination safely. This is surrender to and we do these types of surrender every day in different ways beyond driving or getting new clothes, and we do it without thinking. The surrender of which I speak is powerful. It unburdens and unchains our souls. It allows us to walk in the freedom of what we were meant to be. It allows us to use our unique gifts to their fullest potential, and this surrender is to God and His way to surrender to the One who created us in His image to reflect His character in our gifts and talents. The Bible speaks of surrender,and also forgiveness. We must also live in forgiveness, not forgetfulness, but active forgiveness. We may say we have no wrongdoing to which we need forgiveness. Perhaps, but are we speaking truth to our soul each day? And the words we speak whether spoken out loud or the unspoken words? Are they true, are they loving words, kind and encouraging? Always? The truth is we all need forgiveness as we live full on in our beautiful imperfections, forgiving others as well as receiving forgiveness ourselves. And here's another truth. We're just one step away from this forgiveness. There's no series of steps, not any work needed to do to get forgiveness. It's only a receiving of what has already been done for you. Then extending to others the forgiveness you received from the One who created you. The Bible also speaks of truth and I love it. That truth is unchanging. Our stories and our perceptions are ever changing. Contemporary Culture may call them truths, but they're not. They are our experiences and they color the stories and perceptions of our life. Truth is constant, static, unchanging, and that's really good news. Amidst life's chaos and mess, we can cling to unchanging truth, much like shelter in the cleft of a rock. In the midst of a storm, we can find shelter and foundation for life in truth. This truth allows us to embrace something better, to embrace and live a lovely life, a loved life, living loved. Isn't that awesome. One step away from change, from turning and coming to life as it was supposed to be. One step away from enjoying living life on purpose, out loud, using all of our gifts and living loved, love, getting our soul filled with the love we have always longed for. I think of Jesus on the cross for me and for you. His arms wide open and surrender to God the father, His arms wide open to receive those who received Him and this life of love is not one about restrictions or regulations or religion that is no love life. This love life is about relationship. A relationship with the One who loves perfectly. His life in us is a grand awakening to all we are created to be. His life in us is abounding joy and adventure and this life given us until death do us part. We soon learn that His love has never let us go. That one step. It may be just turning around back to Him or it may be stepping into the invitation He has given you by His life for you. This is where our soul is nourished in love. Take that one step. You're not alone. You've never have been. Truth tells us the issue and gives us a solution. Surrender is that step for reconciliation to God. Where we received the love or heart longs for our best life is up ahead. His letters to us tell us that He has a new name for us, a new life and invitation to join Him on this magnificent journey in eternity, which starts now. So call to action. Let's go. There is so much more to this life.