J.E. Tucker’s A Christmas Carol
It’s the Bible Goes West Christmas Spectacular! Presented by Sexpot Comedy
We had such a good time last season that we here at J.E. Industries said, Let’s do it again!
Now drunk off the spirit of Christ, which is what Clarence calls his extra strength Egg Nog, we bring you:
J.E. Tucker’s A Christmas Carol Part 2
The Second ghost
Scrooge laid in his bed, scared shitless.
It was 1:59 am and scrooge prayed to a being he had long forgotten about. He prayed, Be there no second ghost.
The clock struck two. Ding! Scrooge pulled the covers over his head. Dong! He shivered under the blankets.
There was silence now. No ghost, no visions of the past. Then light escaped under the chamber door and one man’s huge laughter filled the dark room.
It was not frightful but Inviting. Scrooge got out of bed and moved toward his jolly guest.
Scrooge opened his door and saw a chamber full of food and gifts. Gold and silver tinsel on every decorum. Scrooge’s spirit was immediately lifted.
A large figure in the room noticed scrooge’s presences and turned to him, Come! And know me better man!
Hello, scrooge said back with a smile, who might you be?
I am the ghost of Christmas present. Come! And know me better man!
Why do you keep saying that?
I am drunk!
I see, scrooge replied. Are you to show me things which have come?
I am the ghost of Christmas present!
OK.
The large ghost stood up. He grabbed scrooges hand and said, We go now!
Suddenly scrooge was now in a market of busy commerce. Coins were being exchanged gleefully for geese and hams. Fruits for puddings and grains for cakes. The smell of baked goods covered with cinnamon filled the air.
I know this place, scrooge said.
You should! This market is Christmas day right outside your business door. But you’re all inside and stuff.
I would be counting money yes!
Money you could use to buy some delicious goose or scrumptious pudding! In fact I’ll be right back.
The ghost went over to a food stall and began to feast. The stall owner did not seem to notice his gluttony.
Scrooge spotted his employee Roberto.
Ah, Bob has realized his foolishness and came back to work. Good man!
Roberto went past his work entrance and toward an old woman with average size geese.
He bought a modest bird and went into the center of the square.
Gimpy Tim?! Where are you, gimpy?!
Scrooge was not sure whom he was calling out too. He looked around for the answer but saw his own nephew.
His nephew was running happily down the street.
Let’s follow him, ghost!
Scrooge leapt after his only family, strangely interested in the Christmas goings ons of Fred and his lovely wife clara.
The ghost was still stuffing his face.
Scrooge was now on Holly street, where Fred lived. Fred had now entered and greeted his clara with a kiss.
Hello my love!
Hello dear!
Everything smells so good!
Thank you. Is your uncle going to be joining us?
She said this with a fear in her voice.
No sadly. He will not be.
His wife was visible relieved. Clara began,
Good. I hate that man. The very thought of him gracing our table is an insult to the very good person we invited. I tell you what, if he were to die, I would feel nothing but joy his greed and meaniness vanish from the world.
Now dear. Remember Christmas?
His wife settled down. Fred continued.
Everyone on this earth is welcome at Christmas. Even if they are mean, greedy, old, smells bad, has a wort on his face…
Fred continued with a list of things they hate about scrooge, his wife laughing at each mean thing he said. The old man himself stood in ethereal sadness.
The ghost of Christmas present finally arrived, face covered in sweet, baked-good crumbs.
What is going on, he said.
Nothing, scrooge replied. Just my only family members having fun.
Fred and his wife both laughed together with much glee.
Looks like a lot of fun.
Yes. Spirit, can you take me to my employee, Bob?
I sure can. Let’s go.
The spirit took scrooge by the hand and he found himself in a dirty alley; rats as numerous as people.
Scrooge looked at his host, who had aged 40 years by his appearance.
Spirit where are we?
This is the home of your employee, Bob Crachet.
But it is so crappy.
Well, his employer is a harsh boss. This is what his family can afford.
The spirit entered the building. Scrooge followed.
Scrooge was appalled by the amount of soot on the walls. He hated the crappy chairs they sat on while around their small table. He saw no feast being prepared, like at his nephews.
Spirit, scrooge asked, why is their Christmas so bleak? Why would he want not to work when his house is in such shambles.
The spirit did not answer but look at the door. Scrooge followed his eye sight and Roberto opened the door.
I am home family! Gimpy Tim and I return from the market!
Roberto walked in and behind him hobbled a gimpy boy about the age of 10, carrying a small goose.
The boy slowly moved to the kitchen and helped dress the bird. Roberto’s wife went to her husband.
How is he today?
He is good. Christmas helps him forget about being sick. He asked to carry the goose and I could not refuse him. He felt alive and filled with joy. He is stronger than all of us.
Marget went to her son and gave him a hug. Scrooge noticed Roberto’s quivering voice and saw he was holding back a flood of tears.
Spirit?
The spirit had falling asleep.
Spirit!
Wha- sorry I was just resting my eyes. What is going on?
Spirit? What ails this small boy?
Not sure. I am a ghost not a doctor. But I know if Christmas continues in this house as it is, there will be an empty seat and a crutch in the corner.
The spirit stood up and starting to make his way outside. Scrooge followed close behind yet looked back at gimpy tim, his father, and mother.
Outside, the ghost leaned against a wall.
I think I drank and ate too much pastries. I am going to throw up.
The ghost began to hurl. Scrooge looked away as the size and gluttony of his host surely meant the explosion would be gross. However, as scrooge look he was no longer in the same alley, there was nothing but darkness.
The Third ghost
Scrooge was in complete darkness. He knew not time or space. He began to scream for the spirit but to no avail. Scrooge then saw smoke began to enter from the slits of a door he could barely see.
More and more smoke began to fill the darkness allowing scrooge to see the door. He entered the threshold into his living room. There was no feast. His entire house was on fire.
In the middle of the inferno stood a dark robed figure. Not an inch of skin could be seen under the robe’s long arms and over-baring hood. It raised its hand and motioned for scrooge to come closer. It never made a sound.
Scrooge moved past the flames and toward his grim guest. The inferno destroying everything scrooge had bought over his lifetime.
Are you the ghost foretold to me?
The being acknowledged nothing.
Answer me please, spirit. I beg you.
The spirit turned toward a door scrooge had never noticed before. The frame of the door twisted and bent; and the door off-kilter.
The being moved for the door, which opened without physical aid. Scrooge followed shortly behind.
Once the other side of the threshold scrooge found himself in a pawn shop. The clerk marked by pox and giving a broken smile to the two people in front of him.
2 cents? For this? This is a fine table cloth from that old geezer which lived in the big house.
Yeah. You do not like it? Put it on your table. Now piss off.
The holder of the table cloth left in a huff. Scrooge recognized the cloth from the textile pattern. It was a one from a fine cloth maker. The one he visited. Worth way more than two cents.
And what do you have? Asked the clerk.
I got his shoes!
The shoes made the clerk’s eyes widen. These where some nice kicks. Leather and thick. But soft and comfy.
I’ll give you 10 cents.
What? These are Nik—
Listen do you want to buy crack or not?
The shoe man nodded fast and the clerk threw him his money. The seller scurried out like a rat into the streets.
Scrooge knew those shoes. Who else in the area could afford them but him?
Spirit? Whose items were those?
Scrooge turned around to see the spirit walking through another door. Scrooge ran after the ghost.
On the other side he found himself at a funeral. Many people had gathered and all were crying. Even the priest could not help himself to the sorrow.
Scrooge scanned the crowd. No one he recognized. However, On the outskirts of the group was the sad screams of a familiar voice.
Scrooge went closer. It was his employee, Roberto.
Why!? Judge, Why!?
He was being consoled by his wife, who also had more sorrow in her heart then a sad rodeo clown.
Scrooge felt fear. He ran to the ghost.
Spirit? Is this the funeral of Gimpy tim? Tell me!
The spirit said nothing. Instead he moved from the crowd to a solitary, open grave on the hill. Scrooge followed.
Spirit, answer me!
The spirit stopped and turned toward the old man.
Was that the funeral of Gimpy tim?
The spirit nodded.
Where they not able to cure his sickness.
The spirit shook his head and moved, once more, toward the lone grave on the hill. Scrooge followed.
Once at the grave, the spirit stopped. Scrooge stood in front of the grave. Vines had already taken claim of the tombstone and the stone was surrounded by the poop of hundreds of dogs. It was obvious no one held found memories of the deceased.
Spirit, whose grave are we at? Whose tombstone is shown such disrespect?
The spirit moved the opening of his hood to scrooge’s face and a small but frightening laugh began to emanate from the hole.
It started as one, then split off into two. The being lifted its head and moved its hands to its belly. A third laugh began.
Scrooge stepped back from the being and fell into the grave. The being bent down into the hole and met scrooge face to face again.
Scrooge could see the face of the being this time. It was the face of his old partner, Jacob. Then it shifted to the first ghost, then second, then Gimpy tim.
The being’s face keep changing, becoming his nephew, Roberto, Margret, and Clara. They all laughed in scrooge’s face as he layed in his grave.
Spirit, show me mercy! I have seen the error of my ways and will live with Christmas in my heart. I will help the less fortunate and ease the suffering of the sick. Please spirit show me mercy!
The spirit’s laugh increased.
Scrooge grabbed at the ghost. He caught hold of his robe and pulled with all his might. The robes fell off of the ghost with ease and covered scrooge head to toe.
He now fought to uncover himself and the moment he freed his head he found himself on his bed tangled in his covers.
It was morning. It was Christmas day!
Epilogue
Scrooge leapt out of bed. He could not believe it! The spirits had given him a second chance! And he would not ruin it.
Scrooge ran to his window and burst it open for the first time in years.
He scanned the ground and spotted a small boy sitting on the sidewalk.
Hey you! What day is it.
Christmas dumbass!
Well what a foul mouth on you. God bless it! Can you do me a favor?
What old man?
Take my wallet and run down to the grocer. Buy the biggest fucking bird you can and bring it to this address!
Scrooge scrolled down Roberto’s address, put it in his wallet, and threw it down at the boy. The child picked it up, saw all the money in there and could not believe what was happening.
Now hurry! And keep the change for yourself and the butcher.
The kid slowly walked away, not sure if this was a sting operation and he was being set up.
Scrooge had so much energy and excite meant he left his house without getting dressed.
He ran, jumped, and skipped his way to Roberto’s like a man three quarters his age. For the first time since he became Jacob’s partner, he whistled a jolly tune.
He got to Roberto’s well ahead of the boy and the bird. He knocked on the door with much aggression. He had thought of quite the fun prank to play on Roberto.
The door opened and Roberto was shocked to see it was scrooge.
Scrooge walked in without saying a word. Forcing a frown on his face that he could barely hold. His joy was overtaking him but he held on. For the purpose of the prank.
What can I do for you sir?
Bob, I have been meaning to do this for awhile now. It is something that I needed to do for years but I just couldn’t do it.
What are you referring to?
Come the start of the new year, you will no longer be my employee.
This dropped Robertos heart.
But sir! I need this job.
I do not care. This is my business and I shall run it how I want.
Roberto’s wife overheard everything and came running into the room with a butcher’s knife.
That is it Mr, scrooge. You die today!
At this point scrooge began to laugh hysterically, only angering Margret more. She ran at him.
With him inches of scrooge she was stopped by the quick hands of Roberto.
Honey please don’t. Ill stab him. She gave him the knife and Roberto now began to chase a laughing scrooge around the eating table.
Bob! I do not think you want to stab me!
Why! I just lost my job. I got nothing to lose!
Well you have a business actually!
Roberto stopped.
Wha-wait what?
I am making you my partner. Bob?
What?
I am making you my partner, bob?
What?
This continued for some time until scrooge decided to break the loop.
Well obviously I can see my prank worked. You are going to be my business partner!
Oh my Judge! And to think Margret and I were both going to murder you and hide your body before Gimp Tim came back from church.
Scrooge laughed. He continued to laugh until Roberto and Margret joined in. They had never seen a man more filled with joy. And it was scary.
After ten minutes of awkward laughing there was a knock on the door. Scrooge answered it with great gusto.
It was the boy scrooge had thrown his wallet at!
I thought you might have just took off with my wallet young sir.
I was going to but then I thought this man is crazy. I am bored, lets see where this goes.
The butcher was behind him with the biggest bird in his store.
Holy shit you were not lying kid.
Scrooge then commanded Roberto, Margret, the kids, and the butcher out of the house. They picked up Gimpy Tim from church and marched him over to Fred’s. Scrooge and Gimpy led Christmas carols the entire way.
Fred answered the door and almost screamed with delight as he saw his old uncle scrooge at his abode. Mellissa freaked out when she saw the amount of guest she would have to now feed.
Scrooge looked at everyone and said. The feast is on me. And the butcher went into the kitchen with the largest bird any of them have ever seen.
What followed was the greatest Christmas any of them could truly remember. And afterward, scrooge was good to his word and then some.
When he died people said they could not name a more humble and generous man. Scrooge made the world better for everyone he knew.
Gimpy Tim spoke at his funeral but He was not called gimpy anymore. Just “The Tim formally known as Gimpy.”
He finished the funeral in the same joyous and loving way as he ended his first Christmas with scrooge.
Judge bless us, everyone.
