The Bind with Greg Flynn

CW: Themes of sexual violence and abuse.

This is a different kind of episode from what I've done in the past. While I typically talk about male conditioning and issues around masculinity, this one is quite specific: talking about male survivors of sexual violence. Not perpetrators (though, as mentioned, there's often confusion around that), but survivors.

My guest is my friend Jim Struve, the Executive Director of Men Healing, a non-profit dedicated to supporting men and male-identified folks who have survived sexual violence as children or as adults. Surprisingly, the data shows that about 1 in 6 men are such survivors. That's no small number.

You'll hear about how Jim and his team (many of them survivors themselves) work with these men, helping them reclaim their lives and passions. We talk about why, although it's been useful, perhaps it's time to move on from the terminology of PTSD. We talk about the idea of "invisible deprivation," and how building community can help men heal.

If you or someone you know are a survivor and are looking for support: contact Men Healing. They are waiting for you.

Please let me know what this episode stirs in you. You can always reach me at greg@gregorybflynn or on IG at men.connecting. I'd love to hear from you!

Some links for things mentioned in this episode:

• Men Healing Video Resource Library - there are tons of videos here, including stories of survivors to help you see that you're not alone.
• Reframing Trauma - Men Healing's video on reframing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder to Injury. 
• Men Healing on Instagram
• Men Healing on Twitter
• Men Healing on Facebook
• Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah - Jim mentioned the work MH is doing with this great non-profit. Human survivors supporting animal survivors.

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A follow up to last week's episode: why is it  that we often behave that way? What was going on in me that I'd be such a dick sometimes to my friend?

As I said in this episode: I chalked it up to masculinity, and I chalked it up to the friends I was spending time with. But I didn't include something kind of important: I was tearing myself down regularly. 

This is the inner critic at work.

Let me know how this lands for you. Feel free to message me. 

Email: [email protected] 
Instagram: @men.connecting

Thanks for listening!

A nice and short one for spring!

We had a great Seattle Men's Circle Happy Hour this past Monday, which was refreshing after the first one we did in February. In this episode I chat a bit about why that might be—what we did differently that made it feel much better this time.

Disrupting the typical experience of men getting together takes some intention. And it's worth it.

What's your experience getting together with other guys? Let me know!

I'm always interested in your feedback. Find me at [email protected].

Or, on Instagram: @men.connecting

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Some links for things mentioned in this episode:

• Seattle Men's Circle MeetUp Group - in the area? Come and join us!

I truly enjoyed having this conversation with Efraín—someone I’d met so long ago and recently connected with. His journey into his own personal work around felt familiar, yet deeply different to me.

Efraín brings in a part of the discussion that can often remain at the edges: how has the gender binary itself shaped (and harmed) us?

A couple of the questions that we broach here: As men, what can we learn from our gender-non-conforming friends? How can we learn to expand our definitions of what’s possible for us by looking at the way those who live outside of the gender binary for inspiration?

There’s a lot more as well.

How does this land in you? What happens in your body when you hear this episode? Please let me know!

You can always reach me at [email protected]. Also on Instagram: @men.connecting (DMs are open)

– Hey guys: sign up for Step Zero!

If you’re a guy who isn’t quite ready to take the step of joining a men’s group or getting into coaching, this is the thing for you.

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Some links for things mentioned in this episode:

• Efraín Gutiérrez on LinkedIn - connect with and track Efraín here.
• Bayo Akomolafe - A remarkable teacher that both of us follow closely.
• bell hooks - If you haven’t read any of hooks' work before, you should. I especially recommend The Will to Change for listeners of this podcast.
• Sophie Strand - Writer, poet, and speaker, Sophie’s take on the myths of the masculine are remarkable.
• Octavia Butler - Black science fiction writer. Her work points us toward ways that we can work with our race and patriarchal material.
• Carol Gilligan - Feminist author and researcher. Her work has a huge impact on understanding the ways that conventional masculinity harms all of us.
• Alok - Trans, non-binary performer, educator, and activist. Alok has become a sort of spiritual teacher for both of us. I recommend their interview on the Man Enough Podcast
• Francis Weller - Writer and teacher who works with grief. His book The Wild Edge of Sorrow is a wonderful entry point for looking at grief as a practice.
• Martín Prechtel - Another teacher who works with grief. If you want to go a bit deeper, check out his book The Smell of Rain on Dust.

This is a very special episode of The Bind (appropriate for #20, eh?).

I’ve mentioned in the past that my friend Christian invited me to join him at the his inaugural event–an event that will be held quarterly on the Equinox or Solstice–to share my work and weave in some of his poetry.

We had a great conversation. _And _I have to say, I was blown away that it was an audience of basically just men. It was really wonderful.

Christian shares a wonderful and touching story about an experience he’d just had. It was quite moving.

I’ve edited out the two places where we asked the men in the room to have a conversation either among themselves or with us. Otherwise, you get every minute!

As always, I’d love to hear how this lands for you. Please email me at [email protected]

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Hey guys: sign up for Step Zero!

If you’re a guy who isn’t quite ready to take the step of joining a men’s group or getting into coaching, this is the thing for you.

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Some links!

• Christian’s Website - you can learn more about Christian and his writing here.
• Christian’s Hypnosis Practice - Christian provides a suite of services to support folks at his office in West Seattle.
• The Flowering Wand by Sophie Strand - A beautiful book that looks at the ways we might consider re-shaping masculinity in our world.
• Man Park by Saturday Night Live - it’s funny because it’s true!

So, another short one. Yet, one that touches on something I’ve been thinking a lot about: what does it look like to just feel what we are feeling?

Not try to change it. Not try to “fix” it. Not try to get over it.

Just feel it.

It’s a skill I’ve been working on for years. I’ve still got a ways to go.

And it’s one of the most important things we can learn to do. I think, anyway.

How about you? How is it for you? Let me know! You can always reach me at [email protected]

I’d love to hear from you.

—

Hey guys: sign up for Step Zero!

If you’re a guy who isn’t quite ready to take the step of joining a men’s group or getting into coaching, this is the thing for you.

📆 10 days
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Some links from things mentioned in this episode:

Bright-Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich - It’s all in the sub-headline: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America.

Jeff Perera on The Bind) - this was a great conversation. The link, btw, is for Apple Podcasts. You can easily find this episode in whatever podcast app you’re using.

Credits: 🎶 by Alex Weinstein at Alex Weinstein Music

Rejection. Or, at least, perceived rejection. How do you experience it?

That’s where I went in this episode. First, however, I had to pay tribute to the fact that I’m hitting the three year anniversary of starting the men’s group that got all of this (points wildly around here inside The Bind) going. It was an impulse at the beginning of the pandemic, and it led me to this moment.

The group is meeting for the first time in person, and we have had a lot of conversations about what it means to come off of Zoom and into the ‘real’ world. As part of that, we discussed how we navigate rejection, among other things.

So, how about you? How does rejection land in you? How do you experience it? What are the ways you come back from it? Who helps you?

I’d love to hear! Drop me a note at [email protected]

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Hey guys: sign up for Step Zero!

If you’re a guy who isn’t quite ready to take the step of joining a men’s group or getting into coaching, this is the thing for you.

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Some links for things mentioned in the episode:

Gabor Mate on what trauma is

Sam Obisanya turns down Edwin Akufo’s offer - Ted Lasso, Season Two

Credits: 🎶 by Alex Weinstein at Alex Weinstein Music

A short and sweet one. Well, definitely short. Not sure how sweet.

There are some things in here that I’ve been wanting to say for a while, but haven’t quite been sure how to. There’s a lot more to unpack about it for sure. For now, I wanted to respond to the question (asked of me by an acquaintance), “why do you think men aren’t stepping into leadership roles in non-profits?”

In a lot of ways, this is a first draft. That said, I think it’s important to invite in the conversation about the ways that it can be (and certainly feel) tricky to be a man in the world today.

How does this one land? Have thoughts? Want to challenge something I said? I super welcome that. Shoot me an email at [email protected]. You can also DM me on Instagram at @men.connecting.

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For folks in Seattle:

My friend Christian Skoorsmith invited me to join him in an evening of exploring issues related to men and the world we can create together. It’s free! Join us!

Breaking the Man Box: An Evening with Christian Skoorsmith and Gregory Flynn 

Tuesday, 3/21, at 6:30pm 

Community of Christ Fellowship Hall 

8611 11th Ave SW, Seattle, Washington, US, 98106

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If you’re a guy who isn’t quite ready to take the step of joining a men’s group or getting into coaching, this is the thing for you.

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Credits: 🎶 by Alex Weinstein at Alex Weinstein Music

How do you advocate for yourself? I mean, really?

I’ve been wanting to have Whitney on the podcast from day one. He’s a good friend, and brings a great perspective to this work. We’ve had many hours of conversations about what it is to sit in men’s circles, what it means to be a man, and the like. We’ve even co-facilitated my Understanding Whiteness program. He’s good people.

So when he told me he wanted to talk about advocating for himself—this deep learning space he’s been in—I had a feeling it’d be juicy. He brings in the personal, and the live inquiry. I really enjoyed the chat.

I hope you do too.

How’d it land for you? Let me (and Whitney) know. Shoot me a note at [email protected].

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Hey guys: sign up for Step Zero!

If you’re a guy who isn’t quite ready to take the step of joining a men’s group or getting into coaching, this is the thing for you.

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Some links for things mentioned in the episode:

Contact Improv - Whitney mentioned this as part of his practice in getting more somatically connected to his needs.

Missoula Contact Improv - for those in the Missoula, MT area, this is a group run by Whitney and his partner JP. Check it out!

Holistic Resistance - Anti-oppression group that Whitney and I have trained with (founded by Aaron Johnson and Porsha Beed, both of whom are mentioned in the episode).

Seattle Men’s Circle - The 4th Monday men’s circle that I run with Jordan Ferretti.

Betty Martin - Developer of the Wheel of Consent.

Whitney on Instagram

Colo Design Studio - Whitney’s not quite live website.

Credits: 🎶 by Alex Weinstein at Alex Weinstein Music

I met Thomas through a mutual friend, and immediately enjoyed the conversations we were having. He’s a Belgian therapist living in Portland, OR, and doing some similar things to what I’m working on here in in Seattle.

We decided to just see where this conversation took us, and it went in some interesting (at least to me) directions. Most notably was the conversation about the decisions we make as boys to turn away from nurturing, caring, connecting friendships to join the pack. Who do we end up leaving behind? What do we leave behind? And what’s the ultimate impact on us?

This one got pretty personal pretty fast.

Both of us would love to hear what comes up for you when you hear this conversation. Did you have this experience? Did you witness it in others around you? How are you working with that material?

Please reach out to [email protected] to let us know.

Hey guys: sign up for Step Zero!

If you’re a guy who isn’t quite ready to take the step of joining a men’s group or getting into coaching, this is the thing for you.

📆 10 days
📪 5 emails
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Links for things mentioned in the episode:

Thomas Ameel on LinkedIn

Mendays - Thomas’s 8 week drop in men’s group in Portland, OR. You can get on the mailing list on this page.

Close - Belgian film that shares the story of two boys who feel the pressure to conform to what it means to be a ‘man’, and the impact that has on their friendship and their lives.

Terry Real - Family therapist who also writes and talks a lot on men’s issues. We’re not being paid to mention him. :-)

Credits: 🎶 by Alex Weinstein at Alex Weinstein Music