Our third principle is to be undefensive. Stand your ground! This means staying true to yourself come what may, and only changing on your terms based on your experience and insight.But how do you remain undefensive when your brain is screaming at you to protect and defend yourself? Well, you have to teach your brain through experience that doing nothing is often the best self-defense.I used to volunteer in self-defense classes for women, and it was there I learned the physical equivalent of what I’m about to talk about in this episode.Two games illustrate it well:King of the Hill: Loose and limp. Be a noodle. Relaxed and ready to strike at any time, the bully will never be able to use your own rigidity to push you over.Tug-O-War: There are two ways to win. Pull harder, or drop the rope. Which one sounds more like bully food to you? That’s right, when you keep pulling, you keep the game going. It’s fine to play tug-o-war with friends, family, classmates, but never with a bully. With a bully you win by ending the game as quickly as possible. Drop the rope! You might even make them fall on their A$$.If someone tries to push you over physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, whatever, you make it much easier for them to do so if you’re rigid, stiff, inflexible, locked into your plan, stuck in your head. Get loose, be willing to absorb the bully’s shoves without letting them knock you to the ground. Mock them and laugh at them instead of crying with frustration and rage. Pay attention to them, so you can anticipate their next moves. Don’t take them too seriously. Don’t take yourself too seriously.Rather than get locked into a plan or an opinion, set your boundaries and stick to them. Say, “I want to help but not like this.” “I want to hear you out, but not if you’re going to call names.” “I want to leave you alone, but not if you keep bothering me.” “I want to help you with your work, but not if you’re going to cheat off me/be cruel to me outside of class.”Be as authentic as you possibly can. There’s nothing to defend if you’re being the real you, and you’re really okay with who you are. Authenticity is not only undefensive, it’s also disarming and highly attractive. People want to see if you can handle yourself and take care of yourself, and often they will test you before getting closer with you. They do this to make sure you’re not overly dependent. Learn to wait it out. Sometimes it takes a while to tell the difference between a person who is only testing you and one who is actually bullying you.Let them cook their own goose. They are stressed too. And they’ll be even more stressed when they see you’re not going to take the bait. The will scramble, fumble and crumble, and all you have to do is let it happen. Get good at saying as little as possible. The person who talks less holds all the power. The bully will talk and talk, and dig a deeper hole for themself in the process.I know it’s difficult to hold your tongue when you want to set the record straight or give up mid game when you want to prove yourself, but remember this: People only defend what they believe is vulnerable. Immediate defensiveness translates as weakness, as if you think you’re in jeopardy. Conversely, when you don’t bother to defend yourself, you appear cool, calm, collected and carefree.Be ready for some people to resent you for standing your ground. Never explain, complain or apologize about having your own back.It’s never too late to say enough is enough and go on the defensive, but as I said earlier, you might find it easier and more effective to stand your ground with a more relaxed stance.Have a good week!

I have a story to illustrate the essence of what it means to own your “mistakes”.Years ago a student of mine said something I’ll never forget. The kids were all washing up in the bathroom, and some of them started making fun of the pants he had on. This kid was no fashionista. He wore little kid sweats long after the others had switched to more grown up clothes.Anyway this kid stood there and took the berating, but after they had finished the torment, he simply said, “These are my pants.” It was brilliant!He later told several of us teachers the story, and we all took what he said as a symbol of owning your style, choices, successes, mistakes. Whatever is true for you, that’s your pants, and you have to say, “These are my pants!”Now of course you can’t actually say, “These are my pants,” or it won’t make any sense. However, the concept is the underlying essence of being cool.When you own your truth, you’re cool.So how do you go out and say, “These are my pants,” to the bully and the rest of the world? AND MEAN IT!? Here we go.First you must prepare for the new attention. People will react in one of three ways to you when you start being true to yourself.ONE: They won’t notice.TWO: They’ll like your style.THREE: They’ll cut you down in some way for being different.When I say you must prepare, it’s for these people. The benefit of being yourself in front of everyone is endless—the cost is some people will be big jerks about it.The plan is to respond to whatever they say just as my student did: “These are my pants.” “This is my hair.” “This is how I feel.” “That’s my favorite song.” “These are my friends.” “This is my choice.” “This is my identity.”The only catch is you cannot flinch. You have to stand your ground no matter what they say. They will try to knock you down.Be unapologetic. That means you won’t change for them. You won’t explain yourself to them. And you’re not sorry.The second step is to practice being yourself more boldly and without hesitation. Show the bully you don’t give a rip what they think. And all the others they can trust you because you’re trusting THEM!Hesitation is the kiss of death in this game. You can get away with being outrageous, ridiculous, silly, moody, funny or a total mess as long as you know how NOT to hesitate. Hesitation gives it all away because it comes from self-consciousness. People want to get caught up in your enthusiasm and courage. They don’t want to see you doubt yourself in these moments. That kind of vulnerability, we can talk about later, is for close friends you trust.The way to beat your own hesitation is to work your way up slowly. Only take on what you can handle without second-guessing yourself. Only take on what you can do without self-consciousness. And whenever anyone gives you a hard time, use “These are my pants.”Here are some good ones to try:Wear a piece of clothing you actually like, but you think others will find uncool.Raise your hand in class and say the wrong answer (Remember no explaining, no apologizing, no changing your answer). You can also pretend to go blank and say, “I forgot.”Say the first thing that comes to mind (as long as it’s kind). No self-editing to make it better or perfect.Do one little random dance move for no reason (no eye contact, no checking to see what others think).Do a tiny misbehavior, like talking when the teacher is talking. See what happens. Let yourself go through the process of being in light trouble.Less is more when it comes to practicing mistakes or being different. Remember hesitation kicks in when you get in over your head, and nobody likes a show-off.

Lowering your own bar means getting yourself used to resisting the pressure to always be right and good when it comes to following rules and your own performance. Studies show those who are bullied are more likely to be anxious. Anxious people tend to focus on following rules because they care about getting things right. This tendency can also show up as perfectionism. Bullies, on the other hand, are the opposite: They are much more comfortable with breaking rules and wrongdoing. This allows them to exploit a form of bully food we haven't talked much about, and that's predictability. Being predictable gives the bully an advantage because they can count on what you will do. They know you'll follow all the rules. They know you'll try to be perfect. There's nothing more predicable than always doing what everyone expects you to do, which is the first reason I'm asking you to consider lowering the high bar you've set for yourself. The second reason is you can use their main advantage against them by joining in on a little bit of rule-breaking. They'll never expect you to turn the tables on them by speaking their language, which brings us to the third reason: Using some of their behaviors and words can get your point across in a way they can understand. The fourth reason is most people will understand your need to step around the rules to deal with the bully, and the bully themself will find out you're not going to let a few rules get your way. The fifth reason is you'll feel better about making mistakes because as you learn about bouncing back from them. The only disadvantage bigger then rule-breaking when it comes to being bullied is perfectionism. Why? Think about how bad you can feel when you try to be perfect. Some people worry so much about being perfect it stops them from trying anything new. Not only does perfectionism make you feel bad, it can make the others around you feel bad too. It can seem to them like you think you're better than everyone. Your self-consciousness can come across as self-absorption and your unwillingness to make mistakes as no fun. Worst of all, nobody can make a mistake around someone who values being perfect.The combo of making mistakes and blowing off a few rules here and there will help you and everyone around you. You'll be more relaxed, which will lead others to feel relaxed too. It will be clear you fully accept yourself with all your "flaws" and are okay with others knowing the real you. People support those they like and relate to. Get out there by being yourself, and you'll see who truly admires and respects you. Those are your real friends, and they will come to your side when you need them. Even before these friends come along, you'll be less isolated from being true to yourself. Loneliness comes more from being fake than from being alone. Lower your bar to be less predictable and more yourself. You don't want the bully to know your every move, and freeing yourself from impossible standards of perfection will help calm your anxieties. Even the bully will come to respect you, when they can see themself in your behavior. I'm not saying you need to become like them. It's more like they might want to be more like you when they see you aren't always so perfect too. Next time we'll talk about getting better at being worse. For now, watch your classmates and peers for those who are more comfortable with some level of imperfection. Observe how this might be an advantage for them. Have a good week!

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Develop your ability to recognize the difference between bullying and other kinds of unpleasant behavior others throw your way. Kids are amateur adults, who are new to the task of more adult social interactions, so they make hurtful mistakes. It's crucial to tell the difference between mistakes and intentional harm. Nobody who makes and innocent mistake wants to be accused of bullying, and any bully would be emboldened by it. Call the bully a bully, and you might as well tell them their plan is working.

In this episode we go through defining differences between bullies and those who are unkind for a different reason. Luckily what works is the same in each case, and we go though that as well.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind I am a teacher, not a therapist nor healthcare provider. It's my pleasure to provide lessons here to teach young people about the pattern of bullying and successful ways to approach it. I ask all young listeners to reach out to trusted adults and parents before implementing the lessons in their personal lives. This content is not meant to replace advice from a therapist or provider. Listening and learning here is your choice, as is any decision you make to act on what you learn. I do not know all of you personally, so I cannot provide personalized instruction during the episodes. However, I'm here to help and support you, and I want the best for you.

Taking responsibility for the solution is NOT taking blame for the problem, and it is crucial to your success. The bully is to blame for their negative behavior, but dealing with the problems they cause in your life is YOUR responsibility. Dealing with the messes they cause can be a time to reflect on what's happened. You can separate yourself from the situation to recognize its ridiculousness and the humor or even anger you feel. This will open you to seeing what your next move should be. Find what you may have done to provoke the bully. It's a tough question, but it will help you in the end: What made the bully pick on you in the first place? Once you answer that, you'll have a powerful choice to make. Either you'll take their negative feedback to heart, realize you have done something to irritate them, and make a gradual change that will only benefit you. OR you'll realize the bully is annoyed by something that's central to who you are. In that case you will double down with self-acceptance both internally and likely externally too. As long as the bully is no danger to you, you can go right ahead and rub this part of who you are in their face if you want. Being yourself, unapologetically, is the direct opposite of bully food, and it works just as well to be subtle as it does to be loud and proud of who you are. How you express yourself is always your choice, and the bully will move over when they see you'll never give up on yourself.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind I am a teacher, not a therapist nor healthcare provider. It's my pleasure to provide lessons here to teach young people about the pattern of bullying and successful ways to approach it. I ask all young listeners to reach out to trusted adults and parents before implementing the lessons in their personal lives. This content is not meant to replace advice from a therapist or provider. Listening and learning here is your choice, as is any decision you make to act on what you learn. I do not know all of you personally, so I cannot provide personalized instruction during the episodes. However, I'm here to help and support you, and I want the best for you.

Principles give you purpose in every situation, and today's principle is: Less is more. Bullies always want more. More attention, more power, more conflict, more drama from you will build the social capital and status they want. When you put energy, time and focus into them, they get more bully food. Giving them less not only diminishes what they get, it also lessens their importance in your mind. The kids who aren't getting bullied by the bully, put very little energy into them. Those are the kids to copy. Less is more means LESS for them is MORE for you. Here's the steps to enacting this principle: 1-Make less of an effort for those who are inconsiderate, unkind or negative. 2-Open your mind to the fun of this principle. It's fun to deprive the bully of their negative pattern. Enjoy withholding the bully food. 3-Imagine scenarios where you back off, saying less and less, caring less and less perhaps flat out saying, "I don't care," and meaning it. 4-Less doesn't mean nothing. It means the least amount possible. Doing nothing is viewed as giving up. Doing the least amount will suck the life out of the interaction, and shows you don't care about them. 5-REPEAT: When they push back, simply do the same thing again. One small thing even if you do it imperfectly will do the trick. You'll deal with the bully will little effort, so there's plenty left over for yourself and the great people around you. Challenge the bully's behavior by cutting them off from your attention. It's good for you, and it's good for them too.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind I am a teacher, not a therapist nor healthcare provider. It's my pleasure to provide lessons here to teach young people about the pattern of bullying and successful ways to approach it. I ask all young listeners to reach out to trusted adults and parents before implementing the lessons in their personal lives. This content is not meant to replace advice from a therapist or provider. Listening and learning here is your choice, as is any decision you make to act on what you learn. I do not know all of you personally, so I cannot provide personalized instruction during the episodes. However, I'm here to help and support you, and I want the best for you.

Has anyone told you to "just ignore" the bully? Of course they have! It's good advice, but people rarely explain how to do it correctly. Bullies take negative action against others, and when they come after you, you need to play it off. When people tell you to "ignore", they mean to play it off. Your goal is to make light of or to make less of the bully. We will go through five non-verbal signals or cues you can use to subtly show others the bully doesn't matter to you and you're ignoring them. The five cues are the shrug, the fake smile, the three-second stare, the cringe and the wrinkled nose. Each cue conveys a unique meaning and holds a hidden power of reversal for you. As long as you don't overplay it, you'll send the message loud and clear.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind I am a teacher, not a therapist nor healthcare provider. It's my pleasure to provide lessons here to teach young people about the pattern of bullying and successful ways to approach it. I ask all young listeners to reach out to trusted adults and parents before implementing the lessons in their personal lives. This content is not meant to replace advice from a therapist or provider. Listening and learning here is your choice, as is any decision you make to act on what you learn. I do not know all of you personally, so I cannot provide personalized instruction during the episodes. However, I'm here to help and support you, and I want the best for you.

The first Bully Food principle is to make it boring. Principles help you in moments when the tips and tricks don't easily fit. Any of our principles will guide you to deal with the bully in general because it's how you roll versus what you do in any one case. What's so special about boredom? Bullies want to have a big effect on people. They would never want to be unmemorable or boring. Boring people have little influence over people, so you take a bully's power by making them, and what they do, as boring as possible. You not only want to make them look boring, but you also want to bore the bully. Boredom comes with confusion and repetition. You can easily confuse the bully by doing what they least expect: not care about them. This will throw them off and make them feel dumb. The other thing you can do is repeat yourself. Say nothing new to attack and nothing new to defend, and they will eventually get bored enough to move on. Bullies hate to feel bored because, without entertaining distractions, they then have to face their own unpleasant emotions and Use boredom to play off whatever they say and do, and they will run.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind I am a teacher, not a therapist nor healthcare provider. It's my pleasure to provide lessons here to teach young people about the pattern of bullying and successful ways to approach it. I ask all young listeners to reach out to trusted adults and parents before implementing the lessons in their personal lives. This content is not meant to replace advice from a therapist or provider. Listening and learning here is your choice, as is any decision you make to act on what you learn. I do not know all of you personally, so I cannot provide personalized instruction during the episodes. However, I'm here to help and support you, and I want the best for you.

Nonverbal communication is the preferred method for communicating with bullies because it's low-risk, low-effort and more effective than words could ever be. In this episode we'll go over four categories of nonverbal communication: gestures, expressions, sounds and scripts. I'll give you one strategy from each category to begin with. Our theme emotion this time will be boredom, and we'll learn others in future episodes.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind I am a teacher, not a therapist nor healthcare provider. It's my pleasure to provide lessons here to teach young people about the pattern of bullying and successful ways to approach it. I ask all young listeners to reach out to trusted adults and parents before implementing the lessons in their personal lives. This content is not meant to replace advice from a therapist or provider. Listening and learning here is your choice, as is any decision you make to act on what you learn. I do not know all of you personally, so I cannot provide personalized instruction during the episodes. However, I'm here to help and support you, and I want the best for you.